(DCFC note: The concept is each of the sixteen AFL teams ranked sixteen through one, with a little form comment from me about how they've been going of recent times. I have been posting these weekly elsewhere, and thought I'd give them a BigFooty debut.)
16 - Fremantle (0-12, 16th): "Hi, you've called the Fremantle Dockers. If you're a promising Victorian junior that wants to warn us off from taking you early in this year's draft, press '1'. If you're a highly rated coach that wants to turn down our job offer, press '2'. If you are looking for the football department, I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."
15 - West Coast (2-10, 15th): I don't care how bloody shocking they are - they're fifteenth until the Shockers actually win one. Mick Collica was pretty good on Friday.
14 - St Kilda (3-9, 14th): They're a 'Blight' on the competition. Okay, so I didn't put a lot of thought into that one. Took three and a half quarters to beat a side that just does not know how to win, and the big three will miss most of the year. Ugly times ahead.
13 - Melbourne (5-7, 12th): The worst of the middle bunch. Yeah, they might have been 6-7 last year, but you just can't see them leapfrogging five teams this year. Wizard must start kicking goals on his return.
12 - Adelaide (6-6, 10th): Hard call, since the form isn't too shabby, but it's pretty even from seven through thirteen. Still lacking an edge and a reliable goalkicker. Can someone shut Robert Walls up about the kick out strategy? He's making Neil Kerley sound like the Gary Ayres Fan Club.
11 - Geelong (5-7, 11th): Undid all of the good work in beating the Hawk Hoo-doo by burning a seven goal lead against the Doggies at home. Ben Graham - he's alright, but should he be your second best player? Game breakers thin on the ground at Kardinia Park.
10 - Sydney (6-6, 9th): Another team who fell after a big win. Started Port's slide with a belting on the toy ground, but came to Melbourne and looked completely lost. O'Loughlin and Goodes need a reliable foil. Put your hand down Troy. You too Dale.
9 - Kangaroos (5-7, 12th): One tackle from making it six out of seven. Carey, King, Harvey, Stevens, Archer, Grant, Simpson, McKernan, Martyn, Pickett, Blakey, Burton. Dismiss at your peril.
8 - Hawthorn (9-3, 2nd): Harsh, but it's tough at the pointy end at the moment. If Holland and Barker can get on the paddock at the same time they'll improve.
7 - Port Adelaide (8-4, 4th): Ditto on the harsh, but two losses in this company and you're back in the field. Now, it might have seemed like a good idea to send Stuart Dew out to look for Shane Woewodin, but now they're both lost. Can we send an Essendon player this time?
6 - Western Bulldogs (7-5, 8th): Wouldn't you love your team to play like this mob? They're still rubbish on paper - Kingsley Hunter, I ask you - but they keep finding ways to win. Who outside the eight has the balls to knock them off?
5 - Brisbane (7-5, 7th): Gifted a home game by Melbourne, which they won in familiar fashion. Another night at home beckons, but the Hawks beat them up there last year. Kudos to Alastair Lynch, who doesn't get the wraps he deserves in Melbourne.
4 - Richmond (8-4, 5th): Fully recovered from their nasty dose of PEST (Post Essendon Shock Trauma - copyright Reggi from the Unofficial AFL Ranting Board), and ready to reclaim their top four position. Still have their best two players - Richardson and D Kellaway - to return. This might just be a real footy team. It's still got Nick Daffy in it though, so you'll allow us some doubt.
3 - Collingwood (7-5, 6th): Yes, it was only the Eagles, but they put them away like a good side should. Captain to return, and have games against Hawthorn and Richmond to go. Top four? Not impossible. Don't want to lose Fraser through injury though, as the rucking stocks are wafer thin.
2 - Carlton (8-4, 3rd): Still the number one contender.
1 - Essendon (10-2, 1st): Still boring the vast majority of the nation rigid. Bloody hell, when's Kev going to have a brain explosion?
16 - Fremantle (0-12, 16th): "Hi, you've called the Fremantle Dockers. If you're a promising Victorian junior that wants to warn us off from taking you early in this year's draft, press '1'. If you're a highly rated coach that wants to turn down our job offer, press '2'. If you are looking for the football department, I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."
15 - West Coast (2-10, 15th): I don't care how bloody shocking they are - they're fifteenth until the Shockers actually win one. Mick Collica was pretty good on Friday.
14 - St Kilda (3-9, 14th): They're a 'Blight' on the competition. Okay, so I didn't put a lot of thought into that one. Took three and a half quarters to beat a side that just does not know how to win, and the big three will miss most of the year. Ugly times ahead.
13 - Melbourne (5-7, 12th): The worst of the middle bunch. Yeah, they might have been 6-7 last year, but you just can't see them leapfrogging five teams this year. Wizard must start kicking goals on his return.
12 - Adelaide (6-6, 10th): Hard call, since the form isn't too shabby, but it's pretty even from seven through thirteen. Still lacking an edge and a reliable goalkicker. Can someone shut Robert Walls up about the kick out strategy? He's making Neil Kerley sound like the Gary Ayres Fan Club.
11 - Geelong (5-7, 11th): Undid all of the good work in beating the Hawk Hoo-doo by burning a seven goal lead against the Doggies at home. Ben Graham - he's alright, but should he be your second best player? Game breakers thin on the ground at Kardinia Park.
10 - Sydney (6-6, 9th): Another team who fell after a big win. Started Port's slide with a belting on the toy ground, but came to Melbourne and looked completely lost. O'Loughlin and Goodes need a reliable foil. Put your hand down Troy. You too Dale.
9 - Kangaroos (5-7, 12th): One tackle from making it six out of seven. Carey, King, Harvey, Stevens, Archer, Grant, Simpson, McKernan, Martyn, Pickett, Blakey, Burton. Dismiss at your peril.
8 - Hawthorn (9-3, 2nd): Harsh, but it's tough at the pointy end at the moment. If Holland and Barker can get on the paddock at the same time they'll improve.
7 - Port Adelaide (8-4, 4th): Ditto on the harsh, but two losses in this company and you're back in the field. Now, it might have seemed like a good idea to send Stuart Dew out to look for Shane Woewodin, but now they're both lost. Can we send an Essendon player this time?
6 - Western Bulldogs (7-5, 8th): Wouldn't you love your team to play like this mob? They're still rubbish on paper - Kingsley Hunter, I ask you - but they keep finding ways to win. Who outside the eight has the balls to knock them off?
5 - Brisbane (7-5, 7th): Gifted a home game by Melbourne, which they won in familiar fashion. Another night at home beckons, but the Hawks beat them up there last year. Kudos to Alastair Lynch, who doesn't get the wraps he deserves in Melbourne.
4 - Richmond (8-4, 5th): Fully recovered from their nasty dose of PEST (Post Essendon Shock Trauma - copyright Reggi from the Unofficial AFL Ranting Board), and ready to reclaim their top four position. Still have their best two players - Richardson and D Kellaway - to return. This might just be a real footy team. It's still got Nick Daffy in it though, so you'll allow us some doubt.
3 - Collingwood (7-5, 6th): Yes, it was only the Eagles, but they put them away like a good side should. Captain to return, and have games against Hawthorn and Richmond to go. Top four? Not impossible. Don't want to lose Fraser through injury though, as the rucking stocks are wafer thin.
2 - Carlton (8-4, 3rd): Still the number one contender.
1 - Essendon (10-2, 1st): Still boring the vast majority of the nation rigid. Bloody hell, when's Kev going to have a brain explosion?
