- Apr 30, 2015
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Do yourselves a favour and check The Chaser's twitter account. They ain't pullin' no punches. Exhibit A:
Dear Staff,
Her Royal Highness Her Majesty The Queen has just passed away, so it's vitally important that this newsroom remain RESPECTFUL when talking about royals in the coming days.
Remember Charles is the new monarch so it’s VITALLY IMPORTANT we don’t mention that time he told Camilla he wanted to be her tampon. Let’s keep that under wraps.
When talking about The Queen’s legacy, don’t focus on the paedophile son that she protected. And it goes without saying that Diana never existed. We don’t want the website to crash (with complaints about puns about her).
Instead perhaps concentrate on all the children she had that were normal and well adjusted (can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find some). Edward perhaps? Is he still a thing?
Actually, maybe skip her children and focus on the grandchildren. Yeah - that’s it. Just DON’T MENTION THAT PEGGING INCIDENT BETWEEN WILLIAM AND ROSE HANBURY. Kate’s still upset about that. And try to pretend Harry and Meghan don’t exist.
Thinking about it, maybe don’t focus on her children at all. Talk about The Queen’s love of animals (except for the ones she shot in all those hunting parties, of course). Actually scrap that. Talk about her love of breeding horses. She loved breeding horses apparently (and no, John, I’m not referring to Anne).
Most importantly of all, don’t mention that she leaves at a time when Britain is literally falling to pieces and thousands of old people will freeze to death this winter, even while the private companies providing that heat reap hundreds of billions in extra profits.
It would be completely unseemly and impolite at a time like this to mention that The Queen presided over a system so unequal that while homeless wandered the streets outside her ******* palace dying of exposure, she owned numerous castles (not to mention half of Sussex) and she still took hundreds of millions of pounds from the public purse to “cover her expenses”.
Monarchs aren’t supposed to be held responsible for the system they sit on top of. Especially not today. Instead, if you need to mention any of that, blame welfare cheats.
Hope this helps. Good luck today. Let’s milk that nostalgia for a Britain that doesn't exist anymore for as much as it’s worth! Fingers crossed this will do even better numbers than Diana’s funeral!
Yours in respectful mourning,
Charles Firth
Publisher
The Chaser
Notice to all Chaser staff about coverage of the Queen's death
Dear Staff,
Her Royal Highness Her Majesty The Queen has just passed away, so it's vitally important that this newsroom remain RESPECTFUL when talking about royals in the coming days.
Remember Charles is the new monarch so it’s VITALLY IMPORTANT we don’t mention that time he told Camilla he wanted to be her tampon. Let’s keep that under wraps.
When talking about The Queen’s legacy, don’t focus on the paedophile son that she protected. And it goes without saying that Diana never existed. We don’t want the website to crash (with complaints about puns about her).
Instead perhaps concentrate on all the children she had that were normal and well adjusted (can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find some). Edward perhaps? Is he still a thing?
Actually, maybe skip her children and focus on the grandchildren. Yeah - that’s it. Just DON’T MENTION THAT PEGGING INCIDENT BETWEEN WILLIAM AND ROSE HANBURY. Kate’s still upset about that. And try to pretend Harry and Meghan don’t exist.
Thinking about it, maybe don’t focus on her children at all. Talk about The Queen’s love of animals (except for the ones she shot in all those hunting parties, of course). Actually scrap that. Talk about her love of breeding horses. She loved breeding horses apparently (and no, John, I’m not referring to Anne).
Most importantly of all, don’t mention that she leaves at a time when Britain is literally falling to pieces and thousands of old people will freeze to death this winter, even while the private companies providing that heat reap hundreds of billions in extra profits.
It would be completely unseemly and impolite at a time like this to mention that The Queen presided over a system so unequal that while homeless wandered the streets outside her ******* palace dying of exposure, she owned numerous castles (not to mention half of Sussex) and she still took hundreds of millions of pounds from the public purse to “cover her expenses”.
Monarchs aren’t supposed to be held responsible for the system they sit on top of. Especially not today. Instead, if you need to mention any of that, blame welfare cheats.
Hope this helps. Good luck today. Let’s milk that nostalgia for a Britain that doesn't exist anymore for as much as it’s worth! Fingers crossed this will do even better numbers than Diana’s funeral!
Yours in respectful mourning,
Charles Firth
Publisher
The Chaser
