VelvetSledge
Moderator
- May 24, 2007
- 17,456
- 35,178
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- Essendon
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- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
- Moderator
- #1
15 degrees maximum, partly cloudly with light wins and 10% chance of rain. It's going to be so cold that you could cut diamonds on your nipples. Will probably have the roof on.
I've run out of ways to cleverly work Jane Bunn into these weather forecasts, so just have a photo of her.
SportsBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.96
NORF KANGAROOS: $1.88
CrownBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.88
NORF KANGAROOS: $1.95
UBET:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $2.00
NORF KANGAROOS: $1.85
I'm going to be abusing Ben Brown incessantly because the big prick is going to slot 6 so I've closed the market on me doing so at $1.01
ESSENDON BOMBERS
You know when you wake up early in the morning, super snug and warm in your flanny sheets, nice and well rested, before looking over at the clock and seeing that it's only 6am on a Sunday and you have nowhere to be and nothing to do? And you can easily relax and keep sleeping? Last week was the footy equivalent of that.
A first half blitz saw West Coast, at one point, 49 points down. Who could have seen that coming?
Stringer with 3 goals in the first quarter created early carnage, with the Eagles never able to come back from it.
At the end of the game, the Eagles had two more scoring shots, which is slightly concerning, though our immense pressure through all parts of the ground saw the plucky Eagles never take off.
McDonald-Tipungwuti continued his mid-season revival, tearing through the West Coast defense with relative ease.
Adam Saad made me convert to Islam. What a performance.
Matt Guelfi is just one of those finds. Great pick up.
Saad and McKenna running off the flanks was the stuff of a Grade-A porno. Absolute sex.
Tom Bellchambers > Nic Naitaniuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuiuilui.
Mason Redman's injury was a deadset downer on an otherwise incredible night.
Kyle Langford/Dyle Longfark is proving all the doubters wrong. He is playing fantastic football, and is one of the first names in the team. Sign him on, Woosh.
Watching the game after we went up 49 points up was glorious. You had this small amount of worry in your head that we would utensil it up but you could afford to be pleased with it.
Listening to Basil Zempilas and his 8" nose fumble his way through the names of all players, calling Smith "Stringer" at least four times was cringey at best.
The free kick count. 33 to 17 at the end of the game, West Coast's way. The West Coast fans can say that it's simply them "getting to the contest earlier", but that's bullshit. We smacked them around the ground all night, and the final score absolutely flattered them. The incompetence of Marghetts was clear for all to see, and his WA friends were unashamed in their bias.
Turns out, we're a better team than we thought.
We didn't Essendon it. Hngggg.
WEST COAST EAGLES 6.16 52 def. by ESSENDON BOMBERS 12.8 80
BEST: Saad, Smith, Heppell, Hooker, Hurley, Merrett, Goddard
GOALS: Stringer, Smith 3, Bellchambers, Brown, McDonald-Tipungwuti, Baguley, Guelfi, Langford
INJURIES: Redman (Ankle)
REPORTS: Nil
--------
NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS
Played arguably one of their worst games so far in 2018, leaving it to the final 20 seconds to trump the Bulldogs at Etihad.
A strange effort by Norf, with the lead fluctuating throughout the entirety of the match; the Roos were behind by four goals in the second term, but pushed back to lead by 10 early in the last. Billy Gowers took the lead back for the Dogs with two minutes left before Ziebell popped up just outside the goalsquare to snatch victory from the Bulldog's jaws.
Ziebell playing forward was an exercise in futility for the first half, with the captain only managing to get four touches within the opening two quarters.
Sideshow Bob slotted 5 goals and set up the final goal for Ziebell, and he was far too strong and athletic for the Dogs defenders.
Shaun Higgins is a seriously good player. His 2018 season has quite easily been his last, and the small man with the insanely deep voice ended up with 32 touches and two goals.
Ben Cunnington has an easily exploitable name. He also footballs good.
The lack of Ben Jacobs in the Norf engine room was outstandingly obvious, and his replacement in Billy Hartung wasn't much better off, after limping from the ground with a hamstring injury.
That Norf "V" guernsey actually looks great.
WESTERN BULLDOGS 11.9 75 def. by NORTH MELBOURNE 12.5 77
BEST: Brown, Higgins, Daw, Cunnington, Dumont, Goldstein
GOALS: Brown 5, Ziebell 3, Higgins 2, Anderson, Atley
INJURIES: Jacobs (Concussion replaced by...), Hartung (Hamstring)
REPORTS: Nil
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
James Stewart, Josh Green, Kobe Mutch, Aaron Francis
LOL NORF EMERGENCIES
Luke Davies-Uniacke, Paul Ahern, Ben McKay, Cam Zurhaar
--------------------------
ESSENDON INS: Patrick Ambrose, Travis Colyer
ESSENDON OUTS: Mason Redman (Inj), Josh Green (Omitted YAAAS)
LOL NORF INS: Ben Jacobs, Ryan Clarke
LOL NORF OUTS: Billy Hartung (Hamstring), Paul Ahern (Omitted)
Still no Francis. He's been arguably the best player for us in the VFL for a while now. We must really be desperate for him to get the match fitness up, because that man is about to burst into the AFL scene and obliterate some pricks. Or, just maybe, Woosha and the selection panel want to give us all blue balls.
Josh Green, his cobras, and his mouth (DERO ) have been eliminated from the side this week, as his effort last week was, frankly, pig s**t. It was too selfish, too slow, and just plain bad. Much to the delight of 99% of the BigFooty board, he will be playing in the VFL this week. Mason Redman, on the other hand, has been forced out with a bad ankle injury, that will see him back in 6-8 weeks. Just as he was finally starting to get into the swing of things. Replacing them are Patrick Ambrose, who is returning from injury, and, after 290 days, Travis Colyer is back in the seniors. His selection is a little confusing, considering his VFL form has been limited and not overly impressive, but we will have to see how he goes. He is a legitimate tank now though, with deltoids the size of cannonballs. It will be very interesting to see how he goes when he gets into the contest this time, and whether his disposal has improved. Please, dear god, let his disposal improve.
Norf has unlucky Billy Hartung out with an almost instant hamstring injury, with the devastatingly rough-lucked Paul Ahern dropped to the magoos after a relatively lax effort last week. Returning to the side is the league's best tagger in Ben Jacobs, and Ryan Clarke, whose hairline looks like a Carlton backline. It's retreating, and retreating hard.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #2 - TOM BELLCHAMBERS
Long dubbed the great white hope, Bellch has been continuously let down by his body and form over his 150-something-game AFL career. This year, he looks to have taken his game to a whole new level, and is properly dominating games throughout the middle of the ground. Last week, he embarrassed the far more athletic Nic Naitanui with his game sense, presence around the ground, and pure physicality. Two foot Tom (because of his enormous schlong) has been one of our most consistently damaging players all season, and even if our mids don't get first touch to it post the bounce, then he will be running hard and imposing himself on any nearby inside mids playing for the opposition. Floating forward of the ball in the attack, and running loose off his man off half back to set up another foray forward for our running defenders; he is doing it all this season. His reward of another two year deal signed during the week is well deserved, and another huge test awaits this week with Todd Goldsteinkratzenberg. Two players, like for like in their game style, with huge bodies and great tap work. Run em ragged Tommy!
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #21 - DYSON HEPPELL
I could talk about the brilliant style of play he's brought to his game in the last two months. I could talk about the outstanding leadership he has shown to the group in these recent troubled times. I could even talk about his recent efforts that have seen him enter the All Australian discussions, mid-way through the year. But I won't.
On Friday, Dyson shaved his now infamous beard off for awareness of the disease Scleroderma; a disease that took his Grandmother's life a few years ago, and a disease with very little to no recognition or awareness in the big scheme of things. The now 26-year old skipper raised $38,250 for the cause, and had the beard shaved off with his little mate Harrison. Harrison is a 6 year old mad Essendon supporter, who is the youngest ever Australian to be diagnosed with Scleroderma; a disease characterised by hardening and thickening of the skin. Harrison, unfortunately, has the rarest strain of the disease; Disabling Pansclerotic Morphea. There is no known cure. Hep has spent countless hours working on this campaign, months growing the beard, and weeks of effort in order to raise funds to find a cure for this disease, and has left no stone unturned to help make Harrison's life a little better. All of this, halfway through an AFL season, as the captain of one of the biggest clubs in the league. This is an incredible effort, and should not go understated by anyone. Managing a workload like he has with this magnificent act of compassion and humanity is something we seldom see nowadays, and he deserves every ounce of respect he can get.
What an absolute superstar.
LOL NORF - #10 - BEN CUNNINGINGINGNINGNIGNGNTON
There's really no argument that Cunninggingigngognoigndgdognton is Norf's best player. The true engine room inside the North midfield, the contested beast in Ben Cunnington is the most intense part of the gameplan that Brad Scott's group bring each week. His contested possession numbers are mind-boggling, and the pure athleticism and effort he brings to the contest every single week is staggering. He is the number one player, perhaps aside from Sideshow Bob, that we need to stop and slow down.
Alongside that, I've just freaked out because I thought he was in his 30s AND HE'S MY AGE. The hairline ain't helping Ben, trim the feathers my friend.
LOL NORF CHEERSQUAD
Help me I'm choking
I'm coming off a pretty good week this week. We won over in Perth, and look to have steadied the ship that we were on from a 2018-esque Costa Concordia to an RMS Olympic. Sure, we're getting where we need to be, but we might have done it a little too late. From the horrendous loss to Carlton, who I'm watching right now as we speak (and are playing relatively well, therefore rendering this point somewhat redundant), to the epic win against the Eagles, Essendon's season this year is a tale of two teams.
If you look at the team that played in Round 8 compared to the team that lines up against the Roos today, there's only 6 players difference; names such as Laverde, Parish, Stewart etc are all either injured or playing in the twos, and we have Guelfi, Langford, and Colyer all up, ready for action. It's been a remarkable turnaround by all involved at the club, and all it took was a loss to the pathetic ****ing Blues to get us there. On that, our game plan was completely non-existent on that fateful day. There were navy Blue jumpers everywhere, behind the ball, in front of it, running towards all Essendon players consistently. The Blues used that as their Grand Final (or perhaps their only ****ing game that they decided to show up for), and the pressure was immense consistently. It's the same for us now. Pressure, pressure, pressure. With our fitness base being as high as it is right now, the full load of Essendon pressure and effort is there for all to see against teams like West Coast, where we didn't give them an inch. The Eagles weren't able to get into their game at all, right up until the fourth quarter, when the game was done.
What's changed? It can't have just been Mark Neeld and his drudgery throughout the club. Surely, the boys didn't rock up for the game, saw Neeld and then straight away decided to piss it away. You would have to wonder if it's a mindset change; whether after Neeld departed, Woosha and the coaching staff sat the team down and then just immediately blasted them with what it should mean to wear this jumper. Whatever happened, and whatever was said, the new Essendon was born, and our performances since then have been, save for the Richmond game, pure sex. Speed, power, pressure. Exactly how we were meant to play from the get go this year. The implementation of Devon Smith through the midfield and down forward. The revival of Jake Stringer; from those articles berating Essendon for paying as much as we did for him, to the multiple-goal performances and gut-busting runs every single week. The Dyson Heppell variance in form. He started brilliantly, harshly dropped off, and now is brilliant once more. The Tom Bellchambers effect, being in career best form. The enormous void left by Joe Daniher, who will miss the rest of this season with OP. The understated efforts of Zach Merrett, who has, somewhat inconsistently, kept up the lofty standards he has set for himself. This will be a season where the Bombers will look back and simply think "What if we had done more earlier"? We could quite easily be in the top four at this point if we had made the harsher calls earlier. The fact that we didn't is disappointing, but is just another chapter in the footy club we all love. Earning back respect and doing it in grand style. Let's just hope that we can get some more back today.
Go Dons.
-VS
There was really only one choice for a rant this week, given our opponents. Jade , take it away.
---------------
Irrelevant;
adj.
1. Not relating to, or pertinent to the matter at hand. Not important
2. Norf Melbourne
Here it is. The yearly Grand Final that all thirteen little norfie hearts are just bursting for. The pinnacle. The peak.
Or as it’s known in Essendon-land, the shitty Sunday game before we play a real side the week after.
Look I get it. We need a variety of opponents to maintain a league, and we can’t spend every week playing real sides like Carlton, Collingwood, Hawthorn, Melbourne, Richmond, St Kilda, Brisbane, Gold Coast, Sydney, GWS, Adelaide, Port Adelaide, West Coast, Fremantle, Bulldogs and Geelong. But geezus if it isn’t tedious.
I must admit though, I do get some mild amusement watching the handful of norf members rock up to the ground, approach the person sitting at the end of the row and proclaim “excuse me sir, I believe you’re sitting in my aisle”. No, dumbass, you don’t get an aisle to yourself in the big boy leagues. The confusion only intensifies when they can’t figure out where to put their plastic bag of belongings when the seat to either side of them is occupied. #norfproblems
But seriously, it must be hard being a norf fan. Watching player after player turn down astronomical wages because no amount of money can pay your way out of the fact that you’d be playing for norf. Hell, I hear Nick Hind turned down a list spot with norf because he ‘didn’t want to take a step backwards at this point of his career’. I mean fair enough, bloke wants to play AFL, not special needs AFL.
For god sake, even norf don’t want to be norf. Kangaroos Football Club? The * is that? Point out ‘Kangaroos’ on the map for me will you? I suppose it does make sense in a through the looking glass kind of way – I mean, seems legit that a nothing football club would be from nowhere. I’m not quite sure what was sadder though, the fact they thought that was a good idea, or that no one seemed to notice. Something tells me that an eyebrow or two might be raised upon the announcement of the Tigers Football Club...
Watching norf do norfie things is kind of like watching a snot nosed kid trip over its own feet and faceplant. You laugh, but you feel a bit bad about it.
Let’s get this over with please, and try not to get too much norf on your boots.
-----------------------
Perfection.
If you would like to nominate for a guest spot as a ranter, please PM me!
ROUND 18, 2017
Etihad Stadium
22/7/18
ESSENDON BOMBERS 20.12 132
def.
LOL NORF 16.9 105
---------
ESSENDON BEST: Hooker, Heppell, Merrett, Parish
ESSENDON GOALS: Hooker 5, Fantasia 4, McDonald-Tipungwuti 3, Heppell, Daniher, Stewart 2, Zaharakis, Parish
LOL NORF BEST: Brown, Garner, Gibson, Dumont
LOL NORF GOALS: Brown 6, Waite 4, Swallow, Gibson, Mullett, Garner, Dumont, J. Williams
---------
CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Zaharakis, Watson, Parish, Gleeson, Hartley, Daniher, Kelly, Laverde, Stewart
ESSENDON INS: Dea, Saad, Smith, McKernan, Brown, Stringer, Langford, Guelfi, Ambrose
LOL NORF OUTS: Gibson, Garner, Swallow, Durdin, Mullett, Waite, Mountford, J. Williams, Nielson, Zurhaar, Larkey
LOL NORF INS: Turner, Tarrant, Wood, Murphy, M. Williams, Ziebell, Anderson, Goldstein, Jacobs, Wright, Macmillan
MELBOURNE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: 3AW, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 1.00pm AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AWST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
Since I've been tipping against us, we've been winning. I'm not superstitious at all, but then again, if the crotchless chaps fit...
Norf by 4.
Etihad Stadium
22/7/18
ESSENDON BOMBERS 20.12 132
def.
LOL NORF 16.9 105
---------
ESSENDON BEST: Hooker, Heppell, Merrett, Parish
ESSENDON GOALS: Hooker 5, Fantasia 4, McDonald-Tipungwuti 3, Heppell, Daniher, Stewart 2, Zaharakis, Parish
LOL NORF BEST: Brown, Garner, Gibson, Dumont
LOL NORF GOALS: Brown 6, Waite 4, Swallow, Gibson, Mullett, Garner, Dumont, J. Williams
---------
CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Zaharakis, Watson, Parish, Gleeson, Hartley, Daniher, Kelly, Laverde, Stewart
ESSENDON INS: Dea, Saad, Smith, McKernan, Brown, Stringer, Langford, Guelfi, Ambrose
LOL NORF OUTS: Gibson, Garner, Swallow, Durdin, Mullett, Waite, Mountford, J. Williams, Nielson, Zurhaar, Larkey
LOL NORF INS: Turner, Tarrant, Wood, Murphy, M. Williams, Ziebell, Anderson, Goldstein, Jacobs, Wright, Macmillan
MELBOURNE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: 3AW, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 1.00pm AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AWST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.00pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, Triple M
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOX Sports 3 (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 2.30pm ACST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
Since I've been tipping against us, we've been winning. I'm not superstitious at all, but then again, if the crotchless chaps fit...
Norf by 4.
