Sellout Scully
Club Legend
- Jun 7, 2012
- 1,585
- 3,509
- AFL Club
- Melbourne
**Story may or may not be entirely based off a Simpsons Episode
Charlie Dixon wants to write his own name into a giant bag of cocaine on the streets of Alberton, thinking one day he’ll be famous to future generations. Unbeknownst to him, David Koch witnesses the whole thing and drags him to his house, about to give him a big speech about Port Adelaide pride.
“Li Dix Char Son,” yelled Kochie. “What were you doing? Don’t you have any pride for your own football club?
“可卡因,” replied Dixon.
Kochie shook his head, preparing to give Li Dix Char the biggest lecture of his life.
“Listen Li,” he said. “When you kick that ball, you’re kicking Port Adelaide. When you grab that mark, you’re marking Port Adelaide. When you snort that coke, you’re snorting Port Adelaide.”
Dixon interupted, "When you 开始说话, you're embarrassing Port Adelaide."
“This club is a part of us all,” said Kochie. “A part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all.”
Dixon later explores Alberton, from the fish markets to the lighthouse, from the bridge to the dolphin river cruises and discovers that perhaps Port Adelaide as both a club as a city ain’t so bad after all.
He walks past Ollie Wines and Hamish Hartlett (23) manning a makeshift stand selling Toump juice for 4 cents a Toump. Nearby Nathan Krakouer tells Dixon that he only bought a glass of Toump out of sympathy.
“Oh no,” exclaims Wines. “We’re out of Toump juice. To the Tree of Toump!”
Wines, Hartlett and Dixon run across plains, swim across lakes and climb an assortment of hills to reach the fabled Tree of Toump where the Toumps grow.
“Ah it feels so nice to be the Power,” exclaims Dixon as he bites into a ripe Toump. Nearby a group of Melbourne players up to no good yell “Port sucks!”
“Hey,” yells back Dixon. “Stop talking trash about Port Adelaide. You’re a campaigner.”
“Oh yeah,” yells back Tom Bugg. “Well you’re a sh*t footballer.”
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
“Hey,” yells Wines to Jack Viney. “Stop being such a hardball winner. We invented that!”
“No,” said Viney. “You copied us.”
The Melbourne players then try to leave, carrying with them a basket of assorted Toumps. To stop them from running away, the Port players start throwing Toumps at the Dees players. One throw by Hartlett catches Bugg in the eye. Bugg becomes enraged.
“Hey, you just got Toump juice in my eye. You’ll pay for that Port Adelaide!”
A few days later the Port Adelaide players are shocked to discover that the Tree of Toump has gone missing, and was stolen by the Melbourne players and recruiting team.
The Port players decide to sneak into Melbourne to bring the Tree of Toump back home. They soon encounter the Melbourne players and hide behind a bush. Wines gets angered when he overhears Viney say the word ‘contested ball’ noting that he is the one that says ‘contested ball’.
Back at home Kochie is horrified to learn that Li Dix Char is going to cause more mayhem for the club in Melbourne and alerts the rest of the football department to go after him. Kochie and Ken Hinkley meet to discuss a plan of action.
“Listen Kochie,” says Hinkley. “You can’t blame all of Li Dix Char’s problems on that one little speech. If anything turned him bad it’s that time you let him kick a person instead of a football. AND let’s not forget that little speech.”
Meanwhile back in Melbourne, Dixon decides to go undercover to with the Melbourne players to try find the Fabled Tree of Toump. Bugg demands Dixon write about his disdain for Port Adelaide on the top of Mt Hotham using a spray can. Instead Dixon reveals his colours and writes with a spray can ‘Never Toumpas Apart’.
After an elaborate escape, the Port players discover where Melbourne had hidden the tree of Toump. The players and coaches unite together to try get the Tree of Toump back.
Port Adelaide attempt to negotiate the terms of a Toump homecoming with Melbourne’s staff.
Hinkley: This Toump Tree has been in South Australia longer than Port (ESTABLISHED 1997!!!) was even a club. Give us back our Tree of Toump or we’ll take it as a free agent!
Goodwin: Take it as a free agent? You must be stupider than you look!
Hinkley: Stupider like a fox! [Hinkley tries unsuccessfully to climb into Melbourne’s training ground]
Goodwin: Don’t you get it Port Adelaide? You lose!
In a total insult to injury, Goodwin bites into a Toump, his eyes watering as the Port players weep. Copious amounts of Toumpotential started dribbling out of the Toump that Goodwin was biting on.
Later that night the Port team sneak back in via getting their booze bus impounded. They hook up the Tree of Toump to their bus and head for South Australia. Unfortunately the bus is too heavy to move with the tree on top so they have to throw some draft picks and Kennedy Karrots out the window, but they escape nonetheless.
Melbourne had lost it. The Tree of Toump had been brought home to South Australia, for all the players and fans to enjoy in.*
Interstate in Melbourne, Biffinator explains to the Dees players and fans that Melbourne had banished the Tree because it was useless.
“….and that is how Melbourne tricked Port into taking the waste that was the Tree of Toump,” he said. “Now to celebrate, let’s all drink our Melkshakes.”
*Unfortunately at the end of the year the tree was chopped down because the Toumps it produced were saltier than a Weagles fan after Round 14. Not only this but after a few weeks Toumps started excreting the moment someone put a finger on them. To this day the Port players claim the tree was ‘Melbourned’, while the Dees claimed they planned it all along into tricking Port into taking their shonky tree back and acquire the Kennedy Karrots that fell off the wagon and some steak knives.
Charlie Dixon wants to write his own name into a giant bag of cocaine on the streets of Alberton, thinking one day he’ll be famous to future generations. Unbeknownst to him, David Koch witnesses the whole thing and drags him to his house, about to give him a big speech about Port Adelaide pride.
“Li Dix Char Son,” yelled Kochie. “What were you doing? Don’t you have any pride for your own football club?
“可卡因,” replied Dixon.
Kochie shook his head, preparing to give Li Dix Char the biggest lecture of his life.
“Listen Li,” he said. “When you kick that ball, you’re kicking Port Adelaide. When you grab that mark, you’re marking Port Adelaide. When you snort that coke, you’re snorting Port Adelaide.”
Dixon interupted, "When you 开始说话, you're embarrassing Port Adelaide."
“This club is a part of us all,” said Kochie. “A part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all.”
Dixon later explores Alberton, from the fish markets to the lighthouse, from the bridge to the dolphin river cruises and discovers that perhaps Port Adelaide as both a club as a city ain’t so bad after all.
He walks past Ollie Wines and Hamish Hartlett (23) manning a makeshift stand selling Toump juice for 4 cents a Toump. Nearby Nathan Krakouer tells Dixon that he only bought a glass of Toump out of sympathy.
“Oh no,” exclaims Wines. “We’re out of Toump juice. To the Tree of Toump!”
Wines, Hartlett and Dixon run across plains, swim across lakes and climb an assortment of hills to reach the fabled Tree of Toump where the Toumps grow.
“Ah it feels so nice to be the Power,” exclaims Dixon as he bites into a ripe Toump. Nearby a group of Melbourne players up to no good yell “Port sucks!”
“Hey,” yells back Dixon. “Stop talking trash about Port Adelaide. You’re a campaigner.”
“Oh yeah,” yells back Tom Bugg. “Well you’re a sh*t footballer.”
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
Dixon: That’s what you are, but what am I?
Bugg: A sh*t footballer
“Hey,” yells Wines to Jack Viney. “Stop being such a hardball winner. We invented that!”
“No,” said Viney. “You copied us.”
The Melbourne players then try to leave, carrying with them a basket of assorted Toumps. To stop them from running away, the Port players start throwing Toumps at the Dees players. One throw by Hartlett catches Bugg in the eye. Bugg becomes enraged.
“Hey, you just got Toump juice in my eye. You’ll pay for that Port Adelaide!”
A few days later the Port Adelaide players are shocked to discover that the Tree of Toump has gone missing, and was stolen by the Melbourne players and recruiting team.
The Port players decide to sneak into Melbourne to bring the Tree of Toump back home. They soon encounter the Melbourne players and hide behind a bush. Wines gets angered when he overhears Viney say the word ‘contested ball’ noting that he is the one that says ‘contested ball’.
Back at home Kochie is horrified to learn that Li Dix Char is going to cause more mayhem for the club in Melbourne and alerts the rest of the football department to go after him. Kochie and Ken Hinkley meet to discuss a plan of action.
“Listen Kochie,” says Hinkley. “You can’t blame all of Li Dix Char’s problems on that one little speech. If anything turned him bad it’s that time you let him kick a person instead of a football. AND let’s not forget that little speech.”
Meanwhile back in Melbourne, Dixon decides to go undercover to with the Melbourne players to try find the Fabled Tree of Toump. Bugg demands Dixon write about his disdain for Port Adelaide on the top of Mt Hotham using a spray can. Instead Dixon reveals his colours and writes with a spray can ‘Never Toumpas Apart’.
After an elaborate escape, the Port players discover where Melbourne had hidden the tree of Toump. The players and coaches unite together to try get the Tree of Toump back.
Port Adelaide attempt to negotiate the terms of a Toump homecoming with Melbourne’s staff.
Hinkley: This Toump Tree has been in South Australia longer than Port (ESTABLISHED 1997!!!) was even a club. Give us back our Tree of Toump or we’ll take it as a free agent!
Goodwin: Take it as a free agent? You must be stupider than you look!
Hinkley: Stupider like a fox! [Hinkley tries unsuccessfully to climb into Melbourne’s training ground]
Goodwin: Don’t you get it Port Adelaide? You lose!
In a total insult to injury, Goodwin bites into a Toump, his eyes watering as the Port players weep. Copious amounts of Toumpotential started dribbling out of the Toump that Goodwin was biting on.
Later that night the Port team sneak back in via getting their booze bus impounded. They hook up the Tree of Toump to their bus and head for South Australia. Unfortunately the bus is too heavy to move with the tree on top so they have to throw some draft picks and Kennedy Karrots out the window, but they escape nonetheless.
Melbourne had lost it. The Tree of Toump had been brought home to South Australia, for all the players and fans to enjoy in.*
Interstate in Melbourne, Biffinator explains to the Dees players and fans that Melbourne had banished the Tree because it was useless.
“….and that is how Melbourne tricked Port into taking the waste that was the Tree of Toump,” he said. “Now to celebrate, let’s all drink our Melkshakes.”
*Unfortunately at the end of the year the tree was chopped down because the Toumps it produced were saltier than a Weagles fan after Round 14. Not only this but after a few weeks Toumps started excreting the moment someone put a finger on them. To this day the Port players claim the tree was ‘Melbourned’, while the Dees claimed they planned it all along into tricking Port into taking their shonky tree back and acquire the Kennedy Karrots that fell off the wagon and some steak knives.
