VelvetSledge
Moderator
- May 24, 2007
- 17,468
- 35,205
- AFL Club
- Essendon
- Other Teams
- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
- Moderator
- #1
15 degrees, cold as a witches tit, and with 60% of some rain throughout the afternoon and leading into game time. Won't be a problem at the stadium because there's a roof, but if you're walking, pack your brolly like Jane.
Probably wise to wear sleeves, too.
SportsBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.81
SYDNEY SWANS: $2.00
CrownBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.82
SYDNEY SWANS: $2.00
UBET:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.83
SYDNEY SWANS: $2.05
I am terrified that we are favourites.
ESSENDON BOMBERS
A game in which you will not ever tell your Grandkids about, because it was about as exciting as sticking a toothpick under your big toenail and kicking a wall.
A win, regardless of how we got there, is still four points.
Heartbreaking scenes when Shaun McKernan went down with what looked like a serious hamstring injury; judging by the way he grabbed at it it's looking like a season-ender.
Orazio Fantasia is now our most important player. He plays deep and crumbs goals, but can run up to the 50 and take a mark on the lead with his pace and smarts. Pure genius. 5 goals and 19 touches in a best on field performance.
Devon Smith. I'm running out superlatives because he's just getting better each week. Easily the recruit of the year, for any side. He leads the league in tackles with 145 for the year; Dayne Zorko and Clayton Oliver equal second on that list with 119. Amazing.
Michael Hurley made a very welcome return to form, rebounding out of defence with ease and cutting off the Freo forays forward without breaking a sweat.
That ******* goalkick, Jesus H Christ. 34 scoring shots to 15, and we only won by 29 points. Disgraceful. You'd hope the boys would put some serious time into that this week.
Mitch Brown is really stepping up. Another 3 goals this week, and really made his presence felt after McKernan was forced from the field. A beautiful kick of the footy at distance, too.
Baguley has re-invented himself and it's fantastic to see. A true battler has come back as a defensive small forward and is in the form of his life.
David Zaharakis returning from a ****ed shoulder/collarbone really put the purple punces to the sword, dominating out of the midfield and showing us what we've missed.
Free don't play great footy; they suck you down to their level of shite and make you play that way. Unfortunately, we did that for the majority of the game until the final quarter, where we started to finally get our arses into gear.
Myers with a ludicrous goal of the year contender pulled directly out of his rectum was another highlight in an otherwise bland game of footy.
ESSENDON BOMBERS 13.21 99 def. FREMANTLE DOCKERS 11.4 70
BEST: Fantasia, Smith, Zaharakis, Heppell, Merrett, Hurley
GOALS: Fantasia 5, Brown 3, Smith 2, Baguley, Zaharakis, Myers
INJURIES: McKernan (Hamstring)
REPORTS: Nil
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SYDNEY SWANS
Well holy ****ing s**t, no-one saw that performance coming.
The Swans have really been performing poorly at the SCG this year, but surely they would do a number on the fledgling Suns? A team struggling to get any result whatsoever? Apparently not.
Going on record as the second biggest upset in AFL betting history, the Suns were, at quarter time, paying $151.00 to win. But win they did.
A shockingly lazy performance from the Swans saw the plucky Suns over-run them after quarter time, keeping them borderline goalless for the rest of the match.
The Swans were the only team to have not lost to the Suns in their short history, but they snapped an eleven game losing streak to shock the AFL world.
Evidently, the lack of players such as McVeigh, Rohan, Hannebery, Melican, Mills, Reid and Naismith is starting to take it's toll on the Swans at home.
Oddly enough, they are a supremely strong side away from the SCG, and play Etihad extremely well. Which blows chunks.
Skipper Josh Kennedy was fantastic for the Swans, with 33 touches and 10 clearances, while Luke Parker and Aliir Aliir rounded out the three decent players for the Swans last week.
Dane Rampe continued to play as one of the most underrated players in the competition. Does his job every single week.
Very, very few positives.
SYDNEY SWANS 8.16 64 def. by GOLD COAST SUNS 12.16 88
BEST: Kennedy, Parker, Aliir, Florent, Rampe, Cunningham
GOALS: Papley 3, Parker 2, Jones, Florent, Hayward
INJURIES: Nil
REPORTS: Nil
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
Travis Colyer, Matthew Leuenberger, Jake Long, Ben McNiece
SYDNEY EMERGENCIES
Darcy Cameron, Harry Marsh, Daniel Robinson, Dean Towers
--------------------------
ESSENDON INS: Jake Stringer, Conor McKenna, AARON MOTHER****ING FRANCIS
ESSENDON OUTS: Shaun McKernan (ins), Ben McNiece, Travis Colyer (Both omit)
SYDNEY INS: Heath Grundy, Jordan Dawson
SYDNEY OUTS: Darcy Cameron, Harry Marsh (Both omit)
MILESTONES
#28 - ESSENDON - MITCH BROWN
50 GAMES
Akin to an early-2000s WWE Promo starring The Rock, FINALLY. THE FRANG. HAS COME BACK. TO THE AFL.
Aaron Francis, king of the gingers, has finally made his return to the senior side, after dominating the VFL for the past few months. Fingers crossed he is finally past all of his horrible issues and mental health problems he has suffered for the past few years. Arguably the most talented player on our list, the big ginge is a pure footballer in the purest sense. Pure. I'm tentative to write anymore, because every other time I've done that, he's played decent for a quarter and disappeared. Based god. Returning to the side are the Irish speedster Conor McKenna, who has overcome an... Injury? Of some sort? The man made out of pebbles and raw steak, Jake Stringer, has also returned to rip some Swan's wings off and then piss on them before getting a tattoo of his victory and making it match with Orazio Fantasia or some s**t. Travis Colyer has played like a bag of dicks since he's come back in, and desperately needs more time in the VFL to re-develop, while Ben McNiece could consider himself seriously stiff to not be in considering how well he played last week. Shaun McKernan's season is sadly over after he properly destroyed his hamstring, which means I can't photoshop his neck to be 50' feet long.
The Swans have dropped both Darcy Cameron and Harry Marsh, and have brought in experienced campaigner Heath Grundy to counter the PURE ATTACKING POWER OF MITCH "THUNDERCOCK" BROWN. Also someone called Jordan Dawson.
Ye
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #28 - MITCH BROWN
If you had told me that Mitch Brown was an integral member of our forward set up in Round 19, 2018, I would have told you to **** a cactus. The anger we felt when he was awarded a spot in the senior line up, got injured, then came back without us once thinking it was deserved was an extremely interesting start to his season. I'll admit when I'm wrong though. He has absolutely played his role this year. His hgih marking, evasive play through the forward line has been strangely effective, and he is easily one of our best set shots for goal. The wiry, moustachioed ex-Cat is a serious player, and rightfully deserves his spot in the team. This week we will see him combating both Heath Grundy and Dane Rampe down in the Swans seriously strong backline, and while they may edge him on strength and game smarts, he just finds ways to make his presence felt two or three times a quarter; either pushing the ball forward into the deeper attack or by taking a shot on 50. Alongside the returning Jake Stringer, Brown will provide a seriously interesting forward set up for the Dons this week, with high marking and calmness in pressure right on the menu. 50 games up in the career, and if he continues in this vein, we will see plenty more from Mitch. A great effort.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #25 - JAKE STRINGER
The returning Jake Stringer will probably arrive back into the league with an extra 2kg on him, which will be entirely comprised of the liters of ink he has had injected into his skin over the past few weeks out. With his now superhuman calf and body comprised almost entirely of pulled chiptole beef and granite pebbles, the Package is back and ready to dismember some birds. A seriously strong willed competitor and true clubman, Jake has been a revelation this year. With most writing him off as a bad egg over the simply pathetic PR exercise pissed all over him from his former club, the big bad tattooed bloke from Maryborough has been a sight to behold in red and black, simply dominating the Essendon forward line in bursts; all that needs to be fixed now is his consistency. The pure power and exuberance that eminates from Package and his enormous ballsack is a true joy, and if he gets on a run tonight, then I'll probably crack a stiffy.
I would write a piece about Frang, but I don't want to jinx him.
SYDNEY SWANS - #23 - LANCE FRANKLIN
This prick.
Every single ****ing year, this long dog-box looking flog decides to save his best game for the year against us. Kicks them from 70, from the boundary, over his head, over our heads, through our legs, and he'll even find a way to kick them from the ****ing carpark. This prick.
While he's getting on years now, Buddy will still find a way to school us, even when he's on his 24th year of his 82 year deal with the Swans, at the age of 48. Don't quote me on his age and contract length, because the chance that those two numbers correlate is very little to almost non-existent.
This prick.
While our defensive unit of Hooker and Hurley has been overwhelmingly successful these past few months, there are just some things that the twin towers can't stop. There's a 9/11 joke to be made there, but I won't. Because you've just done it in your head.
This prick.
**** you Buddy. I hope your socks are slightly wet and cold when you put them on and you find out that someone scraped your car while you were in Melbourne and didn't leave a note.
This prick.
SYDNEY SWANS - #5 - ISAAC HEENEY
Yet another one of those players that saves their best performances for us, Heeney is a serious talent. A contested beast who loves to get in and under the contest, you'd be hard pressed to see a pack in the middle of the ground without a shock of blonde hair right in the middle of it. Last week, half of his disposals were contested. While he's still young, Heeney has the body and strength of a seasoned player at this point, and I can't help but think that, if left unchecked, he and Kennedy will be the ones to run amok through our midfield. With the stellar form of Devon Smith and Dyson Heppell, plus the returning David Zaharakis, we do have our own class and speed through the centre of the ground, but the combination of Heeney, Kennedy, and Jones is, in terms of core strength, a whole class above. We need to make sure that he is shut down, kept quiet, and doesn't get off the leash like he has on plenty of previous occasions.
...
This prick.
Here we are then ladies and gentlemen, round 19, and with the tantalising carrot of another finals appearance dangling right in front of our faces. A win, albeit mostly unconvincing, against the now bottom-eight bound Dockers in Melbourne. We sit here with the knowledge that we are good enough to play in finals, and we're good enough to win one or two; we're just totally unsure as to whether or not we deserve it. We have some tough games coming up, and surprisingly enough, playing the Swans in Melbourne is a surprisingly confronting prospect. This is the first time we've played the Swans in Melbourne since Round 9, 2014.
That is 1,533 days. That's disgusting.
Sure, that might be the downfall of being a huge club; we draw the crowds, so the AFL fixtures us to venues where we would draw a bigger audience. From a business standpoint, you'd be hard-pressed not to understand that. Makes a lot of sense. But when you look at it from a "Hey this is a sport with teams based in different states, perhaps we should split it evenly from year to year" standpoint, it doesn't really make much sense at all. How do we get that as a deal? You'd argue that you would get a very similar attendance both in Melbourne and in Sydney, so the point of difference between the two is... what? Nothing. It's a crock of s**t, and while I wasn't able to attend the final last year (which is probably for the best regardless), the SCG is no fancy pants venue. The chips are s**t, the beer is flat, and the Footy Record vendors are not very loud and don't make you s**t your pants when they yell "GETCHUR RECORDS, FOOTY RECORDS, FIVE DOLLARS". The Pies are either Mount Vesuvius hot, or Tonya Harding ice queen cold. The cab to the ground from the airport will set you back at least $260 and every single person around the ground is carrying a small double-soy-decaf-high-caf-extra-shot-double-mocha-latte with cruelty free cow sperm and filtered water. If you want a meal before the game in Sydney? Sure, there are plenty of restaurants, but prepare to hand over your credit card before it gets violently wedged inside you. Three olives and a piece of shitty sourdough with a drizzle of Coles brand olive oil will set you back at least $20, and then if you even attempt to order a Parma, the PRICKS have the nerve to call it a PARMI (**** off) and put the chips UNDER the PARMA. AND THEN HAVE THE NERVE TO CHARGE $50 FOR THE ****ING THING. There are three things that I can't stand in life. One is Carlton. One is interstate prejudice and hate. And the third is the whole city of Sydney. **** Sydney.
Look at Melbourne; a veritable dream to navigate. Sure, our public transport system was designed by a six year old orphan boy with no eyes and backwards-facing thumbs, but you don't even need it; walking around Melbourne is a breeze. With a simple grid layout and no confusing twisty streets through the CBD, the likelyhood of getting lost in Melbourne, assuming you avoid the kidnappers and homeless blokes with sharpened toothbrushes, is very little to none. When they were planning Sydney, it seems as though they had no idea where to start, and just dropped a plate of spaghetti onto a piece of paper, before thinking, "Yeah, looks good. we can stick with that". If you want to make a mint in Sydney, become an Uber driver. Just drive around aimlessly for three hours like everyone else does before resigning yourself to the fact that you have no ****ing clue where you are, and you'll be absolutely golden. The bonus of that is that you'll barely be using any fuel money, because the traffic in the Sydney CBD is as equally ****ed as Melbourne's public transport network.
Adding to the gripes I have with Sydney; that ****ing airport is a real cactus up the sphincter. Virtually nowhere to be dropped off or picked up from, completely flooded by Chinese "tourists" who have suspiciously gone 21kg over the weight limit of their bags because they're full of baby formula and region-unlocked iPhones. All taxis take you 15km the wrong way. Last time I was in that anus of a city, the cabby took me and wifey to a hotel which was the completely wrong one, dropped us off, took the payment, and then buggered off, leaving us stranded in the rain. We found ourselves near the Maritime museum, and after eventually getting to our hotel, decided to go back there for shits and giggles, before the ****ing ladder on the old clipper there broke while we were down in the hold and couldn't get out of this ****ing ship for an hour while they found a rope ladder to get us out.
This has nothing to do with footy at this point, Sydney is just a shithole and Buddy Franklin is a flog.
Eat s**t.
-VS
It's round 19, and time for the long-awaiting musings of everyone's favourite Simpsons-a-holic, D_P_S.
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I’m so sick of losing to these ******* c****! It really does make it worse when your best mate is a Swans supporter and I just can’t hang s**t on the bastard! Not since 2011 have I been able to go to the game with him and watch us play against each other but how ******* good was that win back then! Adam “flog” Goodes misses the kick after the siren and I was right behind those goals cheering my ass off and giving my mate a right old mouthful, its what legends are made of!
Our form against the Swans really did start to turn for the worse after Lloydy made them look silly back in 2006. He destroyed them in the first round kicking 8 goals with 6 in the first bloody quarter if you don’t mind, this was after they won the premiership so everything looked peachy for us but not long after that game Lloyd does a bad hammy and we have sucked ever since. I believe it a conspiracy that the Swans have had our measure after Lloydy made a mockery of their side back on that fateful day. I could go back further than 2006 but I’m not some old bastard.
Speaking of that flog Goodes I still remember when he couldn’t get a kick against Mark ******* Bolton back in his prime, win a hard ball you campaigner! And I can’t find the game but the one where we got crucified by the umpires and he was diving for every little free he could get the soft utensil. I think our supporters booing him in that game started the Goodes “racist” booing. Can’t we just boo someone being a s**t bloke?
So many of our games against them can get ****ed! 2012 Dempsey playing on after we made an awesome comeback, 2015 when we lead by 34 ******* points at 3QT and they beat us by 12 without us getting a single ******* score. Last year when we had the game on ******* toast and Gary Rohan decides he would do something even close to warranting his waste of a top 10 draft pick well the big ranga is out for them and we are unleashing our even bigger ranga, speaking of which it’s about damn time Woosha we want to see Franga taking marks and making these *******s look silly. Woosha comes out and says that they won’t cave into us selecting him because of us pressuring him to select Franga but there is a reason we keep nagging you mate the kid can ******* play and his form warrants selection. Whether he plays well or not is irrelevant we need to see the future and he should be a big part of it.
Now back to those s**t games they made us look silly in the final last year and for *’s sake Franklin always has a field day against us, he went goalless against the Suns but just watch him play his best game of the year against us. He killed us enough playing for that s**t stain club known as Hawthorne and just when I think we can finally one up the Swans he goes and moves to the *******s!
Kennedy is another that just destroys us every time, I say give Langford that job on him all day it will be the best lesson he could get this year learning of the best inside mid of the last 5 years. Their midfield has under performed this year and ours is on the improve and hopefully we can really give it a crack in there. Devon Smith played some of his better games against the Swans when at GWS so hopefully that trend continues.
So many close loses to these guys since 2011 has broken me when it comes to Sydney, I can’t stand losing to them anymore, for *’s sake bombers just smash these blokes for me so I can finally give my mate s**t and not have to complain about losing to these guys every single bloody time.
It’s simple, stop Kennedy, win the clearances, kick it to our only accurate goal scorer Mitch Brown and we win! Franklin can’t kick goals if the ball doesn’t get fed to him on a silver platter, play this game like a grand final because I’ll be treating it as such while I sit next to my mate at the game in what is hopefully a memorable day just like it was back in 2011!
Finally a simpsons related quote in regards to this game, do it for me guys!
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If you would like to nominate for a guest spot as a ranter, please PM me!
ELIMINATION FINAL 2, 2017
Sydney Cricket Ground
9/11/17
AKA The Worst Day Ever
SYDNEY SWANS 19.7 121
def.
ESSENDON BOMBERS 8.8 56
---------
ESSENDON BEST: Hurley, Goddard, Gleeson, Heppell
ESSENDON GOALS: Daniher 3, Begley 2, Heppell, Fantasia, Myers
SYDNEY BEST: Franklin, Kennedy, Parker, Lloyd, Towers
SYDNEY GOALS: Frankin 4, Towers, Sinclair 3, Kennedy, Rohan, Heeney 2, Jack, Lloyd, Papley
---------
CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Gleeson, Watson, Colyer, Kelly, Daniher, Hartley, Ambrose, Stewart, Begley
ESSENDON INS: Smith, Saad, Stringer, Francis, Langford, Guelfi, Brown, Dea, Hooker
SYDNEY OUTS: McVeigh, Hannebery, K. Jack, Mills, Towers, Reid, Naismith, Rohan
SYDNEY INS: Ronke, McCartin, Hayward, Florent, Aliir, O'Riordan, Dawson, Fox
MELBOURNE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST)
RADIO: SEN, Triple M, 3AW, ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST)
RADIO: Triple M, ABC, Macquarie Sports Radio
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand, 5AA
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 5.30pm AWST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 5.30pm AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.30pm AWST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand, 6PR
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.30pm AEST)
RADIO: NIRS, Triple M, ABC, ABC Grandstand, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: Southern Cross (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST), FOXFooty (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 7.00pm ACST)
RADIO: NIRS, ABC, ABC Grandstand, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
We've been properly fisted by these pricks for too long. Our form against them is atrocious, but now it's time for us to play them in Melbourne for the first time since early 2014. Funnily enough, considering Sydney's form at home, I'd almost prefer to play them in Sydney. They will be fired up, but this is our season on the line. With the ins that we have, we can do this. It's time to get the Swan off the back.
ESSENDON BY 8.
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These pricks.
