Tumbleweeds. The once bustling social epicentre of everything and anything SuperCoach reduced to a barren wasteland where now, only the most daring of Chols survive. Not even the great gutsroy was available to persist for his much anticipated weekly preview threads, leaving his remaining devotees to stumble around aimlessly without their fearless leader. Where do we go from here?
I’m nowhere near as funny or witty as that splendiferous campaigner. But life must go on; ergo, so it will.
Of all the breeds of SuperCoacher, many of them do not have the coat to survive the harsh winters and instead go into hibernation around this time, awakening in the late months of summer for the start of pre-season, where hope springs anew. Only 3 main species usually persist;
- Supercoachius primius, the rare breed of coach and poster who has managed to maintain a respectable overall ranking and hence braves the winter as a matter of pride, hoping that by the end of it he can parade his Chol and be showered with puppies throughout the spring for his efforts. The population of this breed is difficult to predict on a yearly basis.
- Supercoachius pecunious; the more commonly seen breed through the winter, this coach has a monetary incentive to persist through the cold and is often seen releasing extreme amounts of frustration (colloquially referred to by the tribe as “melting”) when a random PoD possessed by their main cash league opponent proceeds to rip out a 150.
- Coachius catastrophicus; also known as the Carnage Lover, the coach who has nothing left to play for and instead takes pride and joy in the failed winter campaigns of the other surviving breeds as predators such as the Ferrari Driver, Ross the Boss and other AFL coaches proceed to rain down carnage upon us all by resting premos and bench cover alike (NB: wishing the KOTD prick known as Rowan Marshall to spud up is a trait shared by many breeds and hence not considered to be a key trait of the Carnage Lover)
For everyone still here, for whatever reason; well done to you all. I’m a relatively new face around here, given I’ve only been posting regularly for two seasons but posting here is easily the most enjoyable component of this absolute ******* campaigner of a game. Now onto the stuff you lot actually care about;
MELBOURNE VS SYDNEY
The beautiful bearded one known as Max Gawn will be a name watched with interest on Friday night as many place the privileged VC upon his mane. He’s been good for about 130 since returning from his ankle injury with the exception of a sub-par 99 last week against a man who seems to have recently lost his KOTD status in Brodie Grundy. Playing against… whatever the fu** it is Sydney have in the ruck these days, many will be hoping big Maxxxxy can rip out a huge score and make our other weekend decisions that little bit easier.
SC’s former number 1 pig Clayton Oliver has been pretty solid this year and has only gone under 100 3 times since Round 8. He’ll be looking to keep his nose well and truly in the trough in what promises to be another typical miserable Melbourne night.
For those of you still owning Anus Brayshaw; I have nothing really to add.
On the Sydney side of things, the filthy seagull in Jake Lloyd seems to have forgotten what makes him who he is in recent times, with 3 sub-90 scores. Isaac Heeney has made his way onto a fair few never-again lists this year on the back of being a conditional all around flog but seems to have hit a decent patch of form on the run home, with 3 tons in a row. He looks on track to average… exactly what he did last year.
CARLTON VS ST KILDA
SP Sexy Patty Cripps lines up for his 100th game against a side he has tended to take advantage of in recent times. His form has been very inconsistent since his first blemish under the scourge that is Matt de Boer but for those with the sufficient Chol, a worthy VC candidate he may be.
Jack “SP Thrillings” Billings continues to troll anyone who owned him in 2018 by actually posting scores that don’t make you want to rip whatever’s left of your hair out (anyone playing SC that still has hair is either wearing a toupee or has implants, you kents can decide). He tends to like playing the Blues so I don’t expect that to stop on Saturday.
Rowan “The king of KOTD” Marshall is an absolute campaigner who has come from absolutely nowhere to be the 3rd highest averaging forward in the game. An early knee scare had many of us thinking a sweet juicy 50 was incoming but CD look after their men and got him to a respectable 81. The kent was actually subdued by Special K last time they played the Blues, in a ray of sunlight for the hordes of coaches without him (ie, myself). For those of you with him, G@GF (but well done for taking the punt).
BRISBANE VS GEELONG
Lachie Neale has cooled a bit since his early season hot streak, dropping from his first 6 round average of 136 to sit at a still amazing 118.75. He was rather blunted by the Touk Touk tag last time out, only posting 85 and he may receive some attention from the Cats on Saturday.
Dayne Zorko defied all logic and odds to deliver a best on ground performance and a magical 142, despite apparently being on the canvas just one week earlier. GWS have apparently contacted Brisbane in the aftermath in order to see if they can borrow some actually competent medical staff.
Noah (m)Answerth delivered another solid 69 for those forced to field him at D6. He’s come quite good after a midseason slump.
The original KOTD king in Patrick Dangerfield pulled another one of his now customary “I’m-injured-but-not-really” stunts on his way to a fantastic 137. For those not interested in the Bearded One or the Crippla, Dangermouse represents another viable VC/C choice.
ADELAIDE VS COLLINGWOOD
The Ballastic One delivered a performance that left many scratching heads, not for the volume of possessions but for the fact that most of them ended up in the arms of teammates. 161 was a long-overdue reward for his long suffering owners.
His brother Bradley recovered from a horrendous ball-butchering start to deliver 103 and solidify his status as the best mid-priced mid from the start of the season. Rory Laird reverted back to being just-kinda-meh with 89.
Brodie Grundy seems to have lost his shine with the CD pricks as of late. After a 5 round stretch where he nearly averaged 150, the formerly sacred Manbun has only averaged 108 since and no longer possesses his impenetrable aura. Perhaps all of that KOTD is going to Adam Treloar, who seems to have learnt in the last fortnight that his teammates do in fact wear black and white to post 127 as a follow up to last week’s astronomical 177. He’s a pretty handy POD for those with him.
NORTH VS PORT ADELAIDE
Ben campaignerington continued his lacklustre form since the bye, posting a meagre 88 which makes it only 1 ton in the last 6. He deserves his spot in the Burn Team of the Year.
Travis Boak realised that this midfield caper isn’t as easy when somebody actually stands within 10 metres of you, posting an extremely-meh 49 while tagged by George Hewett. His partner in crime Robbie Gray remained chained to the goalsquare by his complete campaigner of a coach in Kent Hinkley, posting a not-much-better 71 in a kick to the nads for the #freerobbie movement.
The original burnman in Tom Rockliff has posted 1 ton since Round 9, but he’ll still have 25% ownership at Round 1 next year. People never learn.
FREMANTLE VS ESSENDON
The sexy stud Nat Fyfe went absolutely nuclear in the first half last week, tonning up before slowing down to finish on 145. Despite Dylan Clarke waiting in the wings, the Brownlow medallist looms as a prospective captain option given the absolute basketcase of a performance delivered by his opposition last week.
Zac Merrett posted 116 last week in further evidence that SC scoring is completely and utterly f’ed because if that shit actually had any reflection on in-game influence, no Essendon player would have scored higher than 80.
RICHMOND VS WEST COAST
Dustin Martin delivered the ultimate turd sandwich to those seduced by his recent renaissance, withdrawing late from the blockbuster vs Carlton. His owners will be hoping he makes up for that against the Eagles this week.
SC board cult hero Mabior Chol simply couldn’t penetrate the Carlton defence on Sunday, delivering a Noah Balta-esque 27. His place in the side seems to be in some doubt, a loss not just for Richmond but for the morale of this board in trying times.
The glorious thighmaster Shannon Hurn is another who seems to have lost his shine of late, posting a distinctly shithouse 56 to give him a rather poor average of 90.25 since his thighs completely decimated the Dees in Round 9, ignoring the games he missed with the most classical of old man injuries. Those with him will be hoping Here2tellyouwhy can motivate him for a big final fortnight.
Elliot Yeo gave away a couple of careless late free kicks to post 98 after a good run of 4 scores of 114 or above. He’s another solid POD. Expect him to go head to head with Dusty this week.
GWS VS WESTERN BULLDOGS
The much anticipated return of Josh “Paper-mache” Kelly will surely happen this week, giving those with the intestinal fortitude (or lack of trades) to hold a potentially cash-league winning POD for the final 2 weeks. Of course, he’s just as likely to ping a hamstring at the 5 minute mark this week but this is the game we play.
The man lovingly referred to as Punchable in Toby Greene has turned into an uberpremo overnight with a remarkable 5 round average of 122.6. He’s a great POD for those with him, although the expected return of Kelly may rain on big Toby’s parade.
Lachie Whitfield has been slightly lacklustre since returning from his 4000th injury this season, averaging 101.8 since coming back against Richmond in R17. His good mate Zac Williams has surprisingly managed to stay on the park since being thrown into the midfield, despite appearing to pick up niggles on an almost quarterly basis. He’ll be another to watch with the return of Kelly.
Josh Dunkley continued to make people think that AFL coaches can’t be that bright, with a BOG performance and a huge 153 NOT playing as a permanent forward. SP Jack Macrae rectified many a poor VC score with a great 137, while the Bont was at odds with his usual KOTD status to post a solid-if-unspectacular 99.
HAWTHORN VS GOLD COAST
The rollercoaster that is James Sicily continued, posting a mammoth 140 for his first ton in 5 weeks. He should go alright this week against the Suns, but there will be concern for those in GFs next week where the Hawks play WCE and his potential 40 may not be as welcome.
The absolute super stud James Worpel has gone from being allergic to tons to a complete CD love child. Worpedo backed up last week’s 149 with another big ton in 127 to give him a 5 tons in a row, a 5 round average of 119 and a season average that has him just outside the top 10 forwards. Not bad for a second year kid priced at 395k to start.
Nobody has anyone from the GC and TBH even if they did, I probably don’t know anything about them except for the man, the myth, the legend that is Baby John Burgess. I’ll be forever grateful he ripped out his second best score of the season in a bye week.
So that's that. Much love kenties. I hope I did gutsroy some justice. He definitely inspired pretty much everything about this effort. May your Chols be large, your luck be swift, and may the KOTD be forever in your favour. Happy SuperCoaching
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