Loose at HB
Professional Melter
The circle of life is a funny sort of thing. Day comes, night falls. We go to work, we go home and sleep. We pick a SC team, wide eyed and optimistic in February, we get pissed off and lose our collective s**t by August, then we dust ourselves off and do it all again the next year. It’s a seemingly endless cycle of melting, bragging, Chol-parading and roasting that reaches occasional highs… but mostly desperate lows. Reflecting on most SC years is hard enough, but reflecting on 2021 requires a certain kind of intestinal fortitude. Underperforming premos, injuries galore, Coaches being absolute campaigners of the highest order with rookies, * all cash generation…. Did I mention injuries?? 2021 has had it all.
This year has been so utterly ****ed that the best way I can think of to send this campaigner of a season off with is to dedicate a bit of a roast to a couple of very select uber-campaigners. These flogs aren’t your ordinary campaigner – they’ve gone above and beyond this season to continually ram into the anooses of faithful SCers every with no lube, no dinner date prior – not even so much as a ******* text message. They’ve taken “love you and leave you” to a completely new frontier – in fact, they’ve just told the “love you” part to * off and have left us poor bastards to pick up the pieces. To the kents that I’m about to mention – go and absolutely * yourselves.
The Coaches have long been the banes of our existences. Many have staked their claim to the biggest campaigner among them – Leon ‘the Ferrari Driver’ Cameron is probably in the Hall of Fame as far as this is concerned, and if we’re being honest it’s the only coaching accolade the useless flog is going to retire with. Horse Longmire is not far behind, although he’s redeemed himself a fraction this year by actually playing Callum Mills in the guts after 5 years of false dawns. Outgoing Hawks coach Clarko’s rookie hatred is renowned and feared, but this season there is one man that takes the cake. That man, is Brett ******* Ratten.
I want you to imagine a world where you pick up a mature age recruit from the state leagues. He looks good in pre-season, so you give him a gig in Round 1. He doesn’t disgrace himself on debut or in his follow up performance. He has a SC breakeven of -70 or whatever the * it was. Then, as you’re selecting the team sheet for the next week, a little voice becomes prominent in that little pissant brain of yours. “Drop him”. There’s no rhyme or reason for it – you’ve just got a raging hard-on for some useless small forward you drafted a couple of years ago and you need to suppress your urges by playing him on half back.
Anything you say Benny <3
So he rots away on every SC bench for weeks until you finally bring him back. Plays well again in a tight loss, and then you punt him for a week before bringing him back…. As the sub. And when he comes on…. You play him on half forward. A position he’s never played in his life. He shits out a turdburger in the teens, and for all money everyone thinks he’s being dropped or losing more of the whopping 70k he’s made, so they trade him. All part of your master plan of campaignery. At the last ******* second, you decide to play the kid in the role you picked him up for – and whoop-di-*******-do, HE LOOKS LIKE A COMPETENT AFL FOOTBALLER. IT’S NOT THAT ******* HARD RATTS. GAGF YOU PERENNIAL MID TABLE COACH campaigner
It would be unfair of me, though, to cook the Coaches without having a swing at the biggest burnman of 2021. This was a hard title to choose, but at the end of the day, when looking back at the evidence, there was a standout flog to burn all flogs.
The forward line dumpster fire this year was most prominent in the early season, when viable options consisted of the genetically-modified Ziegull and not much else. We were all looking frantically for an option that wasn’t an injury waiting to happen or a disgraceful seagull with “forward” eligibility, and one option stood out. An impressive run of form with 4 110+ scores in five had coaches salivating. It was Round 8, but finally we’d found the Ziegull a friend.
Then it began. This overrated flaky Dustin Martin wannabe campaigner decided that the pressure of being one of our only viable forward options was too much for him, so he got himself into a pub brawl and smashed his wrist just in time for his ownership to double over the previous 3 weeks. Then, he defied medical science to somehow only miss 2 weeks after munting said wrist and returned to his prior form without missing a beat, turning for the bye with an average of 97. By this point the super premo known as Aaron Hall had declared himself, and the Dangerflog had returned, so the soon to be burnman found his services not quite as in demand. A stark drop in form after the bye didn’t really bother anyone, because nobody traded him in… until Round 19.
The real Dustin Martin hurt a kidney – yet it quickly became evident that SHAI ******* BOLTON didn’t have a heart. A lack of trades, money, or both left many turning to the man we all expected to take on more responsibility in Martin’s absence. He responded by flogging it up to the nth degree, delivering a pathetic average of 61 since, meaning you’d have actually come out better had you just looped multiple rookies in place of this pea-hearted conditional hack who Carlton would probably still be stupid enough to offer 800k per year to had he not re-signed. One week to redeem yourself, Shai. Enjoy your ******* title.
Disagree with me campaigners. This is number 1
WESTERN BULLDOGS vs PORT ADELAIDE
If last week taught us anything, it’s that if you can VC or C Jack Macrae, you should. Where so many premos crumbled under the weights of totally absent second halves or a complete inability to kick, Macrae stood tall with his 4th score over 130 in succession. He’s not going to win you a cashie GF on his own, but he certainly won’t lose you one. The Bont could do both – he’s always a dangerous chance to go large but his form has certainly dropped since a mid-season run reminiscent of the Little Master. In a big game for the Dogs, one would expect him to lift but there may be a shortage of chips for Bailey Dale and Caleb Daniel, two footballers who would be SC irrelevant if not for playing the easiest role in the league footy. Josh Dunkley has been very ordinary since returning and in the process has done us all a favour by lowering his 2022 starting price.
Ollie Wines’ 105 was slightly disappointing given he played against witches hats last week but he performed very well against the Dogs earlier in the year, and would likely be motivated for this one. Trav Boak’s scoring has picked up in the last fortnight as has Aliir Aliir, the intercept marker supreme having 2 consecutive massive performances to mark himself as a dangerous POD in many cashie GFs.
RICHMOND vs HAWTHORN
There’s nothing else for me to say about Shai Bolton except the bloke is a downhill skiing flog, so he might actually play well this week. There’s some whispers about a return for Bachar Houli, which would be terrible news for owners of Jayden Short except for the fact that his scoring pattern hasn’t really changed a great deal with Houli out. In the event that many coaches (read; Chris Scott) rest some of their stars, SP Aldi Dusty and CCJ may be called upon for some respectable 50s.
Richmond are highly unlikely to have a midfield this week and even when they do they tend to give up huge SC scores, a promising sign for those with piggy Tom Mitchell whose exclusive run of scoring 110+ only since the bye continued last week despite a slow start. He’ll be a popular VC/C option this week. Lachie Bramble continues to be fantastic cover but it was the timely return of Jai Newcombe that saved many coaches from eating a Krispy Kreme, the mid-season false prophet returning from a spell in the wilderness to post an incredibly welcome 94 and suggest that we may have had him all wrong. My apologies, Sir Newcombe.
He is inevitable…
SYDNEY vs GOLD COAST
In another sign that 2021 is the biggest warning yet of the apocalypse, Jake Lloyd actually missed a game through injury. How he even got injured in the first place is a mystery, but SC’s dirtiest seagull should be back this week to reclaim his chips and his territory. Callum Mills has missed the last 2 games and has actually only played one game since Round 17, a cruel twist of SC god bullshit for those who decided owning the number 1 averaging defender was a good idea. He’s unlikely to play this week and Coaches will be hoping that his Academy colleague Isaac Heeney isn’t rested as well – he shouldn’t really need to be given he took the entirely of last week’s second half off. Luke Parker’s phenomenal run of form continued – knowing when he’s about to explode like this each year is a skill in itself.
Touk Miller’s shoulders finally showed some signs of strain, but it’s a testament to how good he’s been this year that a 103 was considered poor by his lofty standards. The Jeremy Sharp bubble seems to have burst, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable relying on him on field this week if you’ve got anything meaningful to play for.
BRISBANE vs WEST COAST
I’ve never seen a bloke run forward for a cheap goal faster than Dayne Zorko and he’ll have no shortage of opportunities this week against the carcass of the West Coast Eagles, the magician doing not much while the game was briefly hot against the Pies but skiing like a professional Winter Olympian after that on his way to 117. Jarryd Lyons returned to form at the right time for owners with his best score of the season, and is a good chance of doing similar again given how poorly the Eagles travel and the comparatively lacklustre form of Lachie Neale, last year’s SC Piggy of the Year landing well and truly in flop territory this year. The most shocking news however was Daniel Rich shitting out a turdly 65 in his only score under 89 since Round 1, in addition to being on the back of a run of 5 successive tons. As a popular trade in for Tom Stewart and a relative POD, those in that basket will be hoping last week was merely a blip.
The “Magician” when he smells the chance to receive a handball in the goalsquare
For the Eagles, NicNat threatened to turn many cashie PFs late by himself last week but disappeared in the last term to end on a still-fantastic 130. There’s no-one else relevant for the Eagles and the Thighmaster Hurn is dead, so I’m just going to move on
GEELONG vs MELBOURNE
Huge game for footy, huge game for SC. Paddy Dangerfield defied a previously bruised larynx and a surprisingly tight contest at Kardinia Park to prove himself the matchwinner with a fantastic 169 – the Dees are very unlikely to put any time into him and I think there’s little doubt the Dangerman will take this game seriously. He could be a sneaky POD captain option if you’re really needing to make up some ground. Cam Guthrie’s late season rally cemented his return to the form that made him so appealing early on, while the Tomahawk didn’t have fun against the Dees earlier in the season and may be at risk of turning in a classic KPF turd.
The Olliepig struggled to kick the pill anywhere in the general vicinity of another Melbourne player last week, a series of clangers and miskicks causing him to fail many who had blessed him with the sacred C. He has traditionally performed well against the Cats, but it would be a brave man who risks the C on him again. Max Gawn won’t have much competition in the ruck but he didn’t last week either against the Crows, and sadly it appears his time as a perma-captain in the vein of GAJ is officially dead. 2 scores over 120 since the bye has been hugely disappointing, and coaches should definitely look elsewhere. On the other side of the coin, Christian Petracca’s hot form continued with another dominant performance while Christian Salem enjoyed Steven May’s late withdrawal which allowed him to monopolise the chips. May is in line to return this week for those stitched up the classic late season “general soreness”.
CARLTON vs GWS
Carlton are ******* shite. That aside, a couple of midfielders have some SC relevance for GF matchups in Sam Walsh and Matthew Kennedy. Walsh was horribly De Boered last time out against the Giants and there’s little suggestion the Blues will actually support him on Saturday night, so a low score may be on the cards and as such I’d be keeping any VC/C discussions well away from him. For those who opted for Kennedy when Dustin Martin went down, he’s rewarded them with a 3 round average over 110 to shape as a potentially match-winning POD this weekend.
Anyone who owns Josh Kelly should prepare for a vulturing performance that will go down in the record books. Kelly loves playing the Blues and although they may keep the game close given Eddie Betts’ retirement, expect the man known as Jelly to largely do as he pleases – he should absolutely be in captain considerations. Tim Taranto proved that the best way to keep your clanger count down is to exclusively kick for goal, 4 goals in the vein of Kyle Reimers carrying him to 131 in a performance that is unlikely to be replicated. Lachie Whitfield has been pretty average all things considered for those who jumped on post-bye, while Toby Greene should return from a 1 week ban to troll all of his owners who already lost when they needed him last week.
Josh Kelly and Lachie Whitfield ready to feast on the Blues’ remains
ST. KILDA vs FREMANTLE
At half time of Geelong vs St. Kilda last week, CD lovechild Jack Steele was on 98. He looked like saving the rounds of many, and dooming countless others who had never jumped on the KOTD wagon. Then, a miracle happened. With his side completely overrun, Steele’s influence waned and he ended on a middling 100 that left everybody stunned. There’s a suggestion that Caleb Serong may tag him this week in a world first for an opposition coach to actually acknowledge his existence, but I would think he’s still a pretty safe C option should your earlier VC options fail. Rowan Marshall was poor after 3 good weeks and he won’t find the going any easier this week against the dominant Sean Darcy.
Jack Steele at half time last week
The Dockers kept their finals hopes alive with a stirring derby win and Sean Darcy was pivotal, giving NicNat an absolute bath in the final term to go massive again with 150 and to be honest, I’d consider a hail mary C on him if you’ve got him and need to catch up in your cashie come Sunday morning. David Mundy stood up in the absence ofChris Judd Steven Seagal Andy Brayshaw who will return from a week off and hopefully repay his owners following a grand total of 90 across two weeks following his epic 190. Luke Ryan looked like going large before slowing down late, while Adam Cerra continues to be largely middling from an SC perspective.
ESSENDON vs COLLINGWOOD
Essendon’s huge win over the Suns surprisingly didn’t throw up any big scores among popular picks Zach Merrett, Darcy Parish, Jordan Ridley and Dyson Heppell, all falling neatly between 107 and 112. Where the points did go, however, was to Jake Stringer whose yo-yo scoring continued in a very symmetrical week-to-week pattern. If this holds, he’ll throw in a turd this week but with finals on the line, I’d expect the Bombers on the whole to be up for this.
The Pies would love nothing more than to spoil Essendon’s finals hopes and extend a 6000+ day wait for a finals win and they’ll be well led by Jack Crisp, last week’s backup option to Daniel Rich outing himself as the better pick with a fantastic 124. Jordan De Goey’s fantastic midfield form continued (please, PLEASE be MID/FWD next year) but sadly Brodie the Bunless’ scoring remains underwhelming, his highest score in the last 5 weeks only 110 with 3 of those efforts under the ton. He should go reasonably well this week against Sam Draper which should also bode well for the scoring of Steele Sidebottom, a player who has traditionally played well in his fixture and should be looking to end the season on a high. Finally, the Pies rookies were a huge source of disappointment last week – with so many Coaches relying on them to offset widespread carnage, Trent Bianco and Fin Macrae were both unable to post respectable scores. With many Coaches a chance to rest their guns this week, there’s an unfortunate chance that they may be called on again. Thanks AFL.
ADELAIDE vs NORTH MELBOURNE
Rory Laird’s status as the only reason to watch an Adelaide game has held true all season and in the last game of the round, he may also be worth considering as a captain option in a contest that will likely be very close all day. Laird hasn’t dropped under the ton for 10 weeks and did manage a 178 in that time, so there is a chance he could swing a cashie late.
It’s rather fitting that the last game of the SC season features the undisputed hero of this year and his wingman. The Ziegull and Hall have provided us with a strange combination of joy and disgust this season – owning both of them chills me to my core but looking at a guaranteed 200+ every week since I’ve owned both them has given me a new lease on life. Both will be lost to the abyss that is the backline next season (Hall will probably have relevance), so I think in order to appropriately celebrate this occasion we should all sit back on Sunday night and take a swig every time these two filthy seagulls kick the ball to each other. What a ******* sensational way to end this campaigner of a year
Better love story than Twilight
That’s all from me this year kenties. It’s been a pleasure to write these and hopefully provide some joy in what has been another pretty shitful year in the real world – I know I’m going to personally miss the outlet. Sadly I don’t know if I’ll be able to commit the time I need for these next year – pretty important year for me in a career sense but I’ll absolutely still be around and aim to contribute where I can.
All the best to everyone in their cashie GFs and to the kents who don’t have anything to play for but are still around here – I salute you. Even if you’re just here because you enjoy watching other kenties melt. Let’s be honest, we all do
For the last time in 2021… May the Chol be with you
This year has been so utterly ****ed that the best way I can think of to send this campaigner of a season off with is to dedicate a bit of a roast to a couple of very select uber-campaigners. These flogs aren’t your ordinary campaigner – they’ve gone above and beyond this season to continually ram into the anooses of faithful SCers every with no lube, no dinner date prior – not even so much as a ******* text message. They’ve taken “love you and leave you” to a completely new frontier – in fact, they’ve just told the “love you” part to * off and have left us poor bastards to pick up the pieces. To the kents that I’m about to mention – go and absolutely * yourselves.
The Coaches have long been the banes of our existences. Many have staked their claim to the biggest campaigner among them – Leon ‘the Ferrari Driver’ Cameron is probably in the Hall of Fame as far as this is concerned, and if we’re being honest it’s the only coaching accolade the useless flog is going to retire with. Horse Longmire is not far behind, although he’s redeemed himself a fraction this year by actually playing Callum Mills in the guts after 5 years of false dawns. Outgoing Hawks coach Clarko’s rookie hatred is renowned and feared, but this season there is one man that takes the cake. That man, is Brett ******* Ratten.
I want you to imagine a world where you pick up a mature age recruit from the state leagues. He looks good in pre-season, so you give him a gig in Round 1. He doesn’t disgrace himself on debut or in his follow up performance. He has a SC breakeven of -70 or whatever the * it was. Then, as you’re selecting the team sheet for the next week, a little voice becomes prominent in that little pissant brain of yours. “Drop him”. There’s no rhyme or reason for it – you’ve just got a raging hard-on for some useless small forward you drafted a couple of years ago and you need to suppress your urges by playing him on half back.
Anything you say Benny <3
So he rots away on every SC bench for weeks until you finally bring him back. Plays well again in a tight loss, and then you punt him for a week before bringing him back…. As the sub. And when he comes on…. You play him on half forward. A position he’s never played in his life. He shits out a turdburger in the teens, and for all money everyone thinks he’s being dropped or losing more of the whopping 70k he’s made, so they trade him. All part of your master plan of campaignery. At the last ******* second, you decide to play the kid in the role you picked him up for – and whoop-di-*******-do, HE LOOKS LIKE A COMPETENT AFL FOOTBALLER. IT’S NOT THAT ******* HARD RATTS. GAGF YOU PERENNIAL MID TABLE COACH campaigner
It would be unfair of me, though, to cook the Coaches without having a swing at the biggest burnman of 2021. This was a hard title to choose, but at the end of the day, when looking back at the evidence, there was a standout flog to burn all flogs.
The forward line dumpster fire this year was most prominent in the early season, when viable options consisted of the genetically-modified Ziegull and not much else. We were all looking frantically for an option that wasn’t an injury waiting to happen or a disgraceful seagull with “forward” eligibility, and one option stood out. An impressive run of form with 4 110+ scores in five had coaches salivating. It was Round 8, but finally we’d found the Ziegull a friend.
Then it began. This overrated flaky Dustin Martin wannabe campaigner decided that the pressure of being one of our only viable forward options was too much for him, so he got himself into a pub brawl and smashed his wrist just in time for his ownership to double over the previous 3 weeks. Then, he defied medical science to somehow only miss 2 weeks after munting said wrist and returned to his prior form without missing a beat, turning for the bye with an average of 97. By this point the super premo known as Aaron Hall had declared himself, and the Dangerflog had returned, so the soon to be burnman found his services not quite as in demand. A stark drop in form after the bye didn’t really bother anyone, because nobody traded him in… until Round 19.
The real Dustin Martin hurt a kidney – yet it quickly became evident that SHAI ******* BOLTON didn’t have a heart. A lack of trades, money, or both left many turning to the man we all expected to take on more responsibility in Martin’s absence. He responded by flogging it up to the nth degree, delivering a pathetic average of 61 since, meaning you’d have actually come out better had you just looped multiple rookies in place of this pea-hearted conditional hack who Carlton would probably still be stupid enough to offer 800k per year to had he not re-signed. One week to redeem yourself, Shai. Enjoy your ******* title.
Disagree with me campaigners. This is number 1
WESTERN BULLDOGS vs PORT ADELAIDE
If last week taught us anything, it’s that if you can VC or C Jack Macrae, you should. Where so many premos crumbled under the weights of totally absent second halves or a complete inability to kick, Macrae stood tall with his 4th score over 130 in succession. He’s not going to win you a cashie GF on his own, but he certainly won’t lose you one. The Bont could do both – he’s always a dangerous chance to go large but his form has certainly dropped since a mid-season run reminiscent of the Little Master. In a big game for the Dogs, one would expect him to lift but there may be a shortage of chips for Bailey Dale and Caleb Daniel, two footballers who would be SC irrelevant if not for playing the easiest role in the league footy. Josh Dunkley has been very ordinary since returning and in the process has done us all a favour by lowering his 2022 starting price.
Ollie Wines’ 105 was slightly disappointing given he played against witches hats last week but he performed very well against the Dogs earlier in the year, and would likely be motivated for this one. Trav Boak’s scoring has picked up in the last fortnight as has Aliir Aliir, the intercept marker supreme having 2 consecutive massive performances to mark himself as a dangerous POD in many cashie GFs.
RICHMOND vs HAWTHORN
There’s nothing else for me to say about Shai Bolton except the bloke is a downhill skiing flog, so he might actually play well this week. There’s some whispers about a return for Bachar Houli, which would be terrible news for owners of Jayden Short except for the fact that his scoring pattern hasn’t really changed a great deal with Houli out. In the event that many coaches (read; Chris Scott) rest some of their stars, SP Aldi Dusty and CCJ may be called upon for some respectable 50s.
Richmond are highly unlikely to have a midfield this week and even when they do they tend to give up huge SC scores, a promising sign for those with piggy Tom Mitchell whose exclusive run of scoring 110+ only since the bye continued last week despite a slow start. He’ll be a popular VC/C option this week. Lachie Bramble continues to be fantastic cover but it was the timely return of Jai Newcombe that saved many coaches from eating a Krispy Kreme, the mid-season false prophet returning from a spell in the wilderness to post an incredibly welcome 94 and suggest that we may have had him all wrong. My apologies, Sir Newcombe.
He is inevitable…
SYDNEY vs GOLD COAST
In another sign that 2021 is the biggest warning yet of the apocalypse, Jake Lloyd actually missed a game through injury. How he even got injured in the first place is a mystery, but SC’s dirtiest seagull should be back this week to reclaim his chips and his territory. Callum Mills has missed the last 2 games and has actually only played one game since Round 17, a cruel twist of SC god bullshit for those who decided owning the number 1 averaging defender was a good idea. He’s unlikely to play this week and Coaches will be hoping that his Academy colleague Isaac Heeney isn’t rested as well – he shouldn’t really need to be given he took the entirely of last week’s second half off. Luke Parker’s phenomenal run of form continued – knowing when he’s about to explode like this each year is a skill in itself.
Touk Miller’s shoulders finally showed some signs of strain, but it’s a testament to how good he’s been this year that a 103 was considered poor by his lofty standards. The Jeremy Sharp bubble seems to have burst, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable relying on him on field this week if you’ve got anything meaningful to play for.
BRISBANE vs WEST COAST
I’ve never seen a bloke run forward for a cheap goal faster than Dayne Zorko and he’ll have no shortage of opportunities this week against the carcass of the West Coast Eagles, the magician doing not much while the game was briefly hot against the Pies but skiing like a professional Winter Olympian after that on his way to 117. Jarryd Lyons returned to form at the right time for owners with his best score of the season, and is a good chance of doing similar again given how poorly the Eagles travel and the comparatively lacklustre form of Lachie Neale, last year’s SC Piggy of the Year landing well and truly in flop territory this year. The most shocking news however was Daniel Rich shitting out a turdly 65 in his only score under 89 since Round 1, in addition to being on the back of a run of 5 successive tons. As a popular trade in for Tom Stewart and a relative POD, those in that basket will be hoping last week was merely a blip.
The “Magician” when he smells the chance to receive a handball in the goalsquare
For the Eagles, NicNat threatened to turn many cashie PFs late by himself last week but disappeared in the last term to end on a still-fantastic 130. There’s no-one else relevant for the Eagles and the Thighmaster Hurn is dead, so I’m just going to move on
GEELONG vs MELBOURNE
Huge game for footy, huge game for SC. Paddy Dangerfield defied a previously bruised larynx and a surprisingly tight contest at Kardinia Park to prove himself the matchwinner with a fantastic 169 – the Dees are very unlikely to put any time into him and I think there’s little doubt the Dangerman will take this game seriously. He could be a sneaky POD captain option if you’re really needing to make up some ground. Cam Guthrie’s late season rally cemented his return to the form that made him so appealing early on, while the Tomahawk didn’t have fun against the Dees earlier in the season and may be at risk of turning in a classic KPF turd.
The Olliepig struggled to kick the pill anywhere in the general vicinity of another Melbourne player last week, a series of clangers and miskicks causing him to fail many who had blessed him with the sacred C. He has traditionally performed well against the Cats, but it would be a brave man who risks the C on him again. Max Gawn won’t have much competition in the ruck but he didn’t last week either against the Crows, and sadly it appears his time as a perma-captain in the vein of GAJ is officially dead. 2 scores over 120 since the bye has been hugely disappointing, and coaches should definitely look elsewhere. On the other side of the coin, Christian Petracca’s hot form continued with another dominant performance while Christian Salem enjoyed Steven May’s late withdrawal which allowed him to monopolise the chips. May is in line to return this week for those stitched up the classic late season “general soreness”.
CARLTON vs GWS
Carlton are ******* shite. That aside, a couple of midfielders have some SC relevance for GF matchups in Sam Walsh and Matthew Kennedy. Walsh was horribly De Boered last time out against the Giants and there’s little suggestion the Blues will actually support him on Saturday night, so a low score may be on the cards and as such I’d be keeping any VC/C discussions well away from him. For those who opted for Kennedy when Dustin Martin went down, he’s rewarded them with a 3 round average over 110 to shape as a potentially match-winning POD this weekend.
Anyone who owns Josh Kelly should prepare for a vulturing performance that will go down in the record books. Kelly loves playing the Blues and although they may keep the game close given Eddie Betts’ retirement, expect the man known as Jelly to largely do as he pleases – he should absolutely be in captain considerations. Tim Taranto proved that the best way to keep your clanger count down is to exclusively kick for goal, 4 goals in the vein of Kyle Reimers carrying him to 131 in a performance that is unlikely to be replicated. Lachie Whitfield has been pretty average all things considered for those who jumped on post-bye, while Toby Greene should return from a 1 week ban to troll all of his owners who already lost when they needed him last week.
Josh Kelly and Lachie Whitfield ready to feast on the Blues’ remains
ST. KILDA vs FREMANTLE
At half time of Geelong vs St. Kilda last week, CD lovechild Jack Steele was on 98. He looked like saving the rounds of many, and dooming countless others who had never jumped on the KOTD wagon. Then, a miracle happened. With his side completely overrun, Steele’s influence waned and he ended on a middling 100 that left everybody stunned. There’s a suggestion that Caleb Serong may tag him this week in a world first for an opposition coach to actually acknowledge his existence, but I would think he’s still a pretty safe C option should your earlier VC options fail. Rowan Marshall was poor after 3 good weeks and he won’t find the going any easier this week against the dominant Sean Darcy.
Jack Steele at half time last week
The Dockers kept their finals hopes alive with a stirring derby win and Sean Darcy was pivotal, giving NicNat an absolute bath in the final term to go massive again with 150 and to be honest, I’d consider a hail mary C on him if you’ve got him and need to catch up in your cashie come Sunday morning. David Mundy stood up in the absence of
ESSENDON vs COLLINGWOOD
Essendon’s huge win over the Suns surprisingly didn’t throw up any big scores among popular picks Zach Merrett, Darcy Parish, Jordan Ridley and Dyson Heppell, all falling neatly between 107 and 112. Where the points did go, however, was to Jake Stringer whose yo-yo scoring continued in a very symmetrical week-to-week pattern. If this holds, he’ll throw in a turd this week but with finals on the line, I’d expect the Bombers on the whole to be up for this.
The Pies would love nothing more than to spoil Essendon’s finals hopes and extend a 6000+ day wait for a finals win and they’ll be well led by Jack Crisp, last week’s backup option to Daniel Rich outing himself as the better pick with a fantastic 124. Jordan De Goey’s fantastic midfield form continued (please, PLEASE be MID/FWD next year) but sadly Brodie the Bunless’ scoring remains underwhelming, his highest score in the last 5 weeks only 110 with 3 of those efforts under the ton. He should go reasonably well this week against Sam Draper which should also bode well for the scoring of Steele Sidebottom, a player who has traditionally played well in his fixture and should be looking to end the season on a high. Finally, the Pies rookies were a huge source of disappointment last week – with so many Coaches relying on them to offset widespread carnage, Trent Bianco and Fin Macrae were both unable to post respectable scores. With many Coaches a chance to rest their guns this week, there’s an unfortunate chance that they may be called on again. Thanks AFL.
ADELAIDE vs NORTH MELBOURNE
Rory Laird’s status as the only reason to watch an Adelaide game has held true all season and in the last game of the round, he may also be worth considering as a captain option in a contest that will likely be very close all day. Laird hasn’t dropped under the ton for 10 weeks and did manage a 178 in that time, so there is a chance he could swing a cashie late.
It’s rather fitting that the last game of the SC season features the undisputed hero of this year and his wingman. The Ziegull and Hall have provided us with a strange combination of joy and disgust this season – owning both of them chills me to my core but looking at a guaranteed 200+ every week since I’ve owned both them has given me a new lease on life. Both will be lost to the abyss that is the backline next season (Hall will probably have relevance), so I think in order to appropriately celebrate this occasion we should all sit back on Sunday night and take a swig every time these two filthy seagulls kick the ball to each other. What a ******* sensational way to end this campaigner of a year
Better love story than Twilight
That’s all from me this year kenties. It’s been a pleasure to write these and hopefully provide some joy in what has been another pretty shitful year in the real world – I know I’m going to personally miss the outlet. Sadly I don’t know if I’ll be able to commit the time I need for these next year – pretty important year for me in a career sense but I’ll absolutely still be around and aim to contribute where I can.
All the best to everyone in their cashie GFs and to the kents who don’t have anything to play for but are still around here – I salute you. Even if you’re just here because you enjoy watching other kenties melt. Let’s be honest, we all do
For the last time in 2021… May the Chol be with you
