Preview Round 3 MCG 7.40pm 18 June 2020. Reigning Premier Versus Third Level Laughing Stock and AFL Imposters, AKA Richmond V Hawthorn

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Feb 4, 2008
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A Bit of History

“Something about Richard Tambling and Lance Franklin, Jason Dunstall 17 goals, something about the worst 45 seconds of football in history, club is a shambles....etc etc"

Richmond were once seen as a laughing stock. And Hawthorn were seen as the epitome of success. I think about that and ask myself why....why were WE the laughing stock?

Richmond has won 14 Premierships in its rich history. Hawthorn a mere 13.

Head to head, we are about to go 90-70 versus this nomadic suburb-hopping-now-Dingley-bound rabble of a club.

Finals head to head, 1-0 the Tigers.

In other words, we have it all over them, and in reality, we always have had. But who are our opponents this week?


Who is the Real Hawthorn?

In 1908 Richmond were elevated to the then VFL on the basis of powerful performances, having won two VFA premierships in the preceding handful of years. How many VFA Premierships had Hawthorn won when it was elevated to the then VFL in 1925? Surely by then they would have had time to accumulate half a dozen or so? Footscray and North Melbourne were elevated with them and had by then won 9 and 6 VFA Premierships respectively and were rightly elevated. So who was the third team to win promotion with them? Well, Port Melbourne had won 3 VFA Premierships. Williamstown 2. The Essendon Dreadnoughts of all clubs had won two. The poor sorry Dreadnoughts whose home ground was stolen from them by the drug cheats. Brunswick and West Melbourne had even chimed in for one each. West Melbourne! So surely the Hawks had won a good handful of flags to warrant promotion ahead of that list of well performed clubs? Er, well.......no. They had not won a VFA Premiership. Oh, ok, so they must have made a lot of Grand Finals and come up just short, you know, sort of like a VFA version of #pieshaveinjuries? Well, hmmmm....no, not exactly. They had only one finals appearance in 11 sorry seasons, and had not made a single Grand Final. But wait, surely they had a storied history prior to entering the VFA in 1914, winning their way to that competition by smashing it in some suburban league? Well, once again, not exactly. In their 40+ previous seasons bumming around in what amounted to the Hawthorn District League they had celebrated precisely zero premierships. Zilch. So they were imposters in the Hawthorn District League, complete imposters in the VFA, complete and utter imposters in the VFL and wtf they are even doing in the AFL is anyone’s guess.


The Illusion of Success
People will tell you Hawthorn FC is and has been a successful club. Some say THE most successful club, certainly in the AFL era, and certainly over the last 60 years. I am here to tell you friends, do not be fooled. This is a mere anomaly and 100, 200, 500 or 1000 years hence people laughing at this club’s sorry history will look at this curiously anomalous 60 year period and just shake their heads and say how the f*ck did that happen? It is a great novelty value story really, sort of like someone sneaking into Wimbledon under false pretences then winning the Men’s Singles. Thirteen times. But don’t be fooled, they are imposters. They should not be anywhere near this level of competition, and they are now being exposed.....


The Laughing Stock’s Laughing Stock’s Laughing Stock.
There was a certain 37 year hiatus in the Tiger juggernaut in which we, shall we say, weren’t exactly at our best. And who were the clubs laughing at us most? Well, look no further than Hawthorn, and their protagonists in the most phoney modern media contructed rivalry you could possibly imagine, the Geelong Cats. During this period we were laughed at. Rightly or wrongly, we were a laughing stock. People quickly forgot who we really were. And then this very significant thing happened on September 8, 2017:



And again on September 22, 2019



During those two psychology shifting events, the world realised our former tormenters were now tormented by us. The Cats suddenly couldn’t win finals. And we could. They became our laughing stock. So the Cats are now the laughing stock’s laughing stock. And for us Tiger supporters it is pretty damn funny. So we have rightly ridiculed them, belittled them, shown video of Chris Sook whingeing for England, of Catman crying, of G Ablett Jnr throwing his arms in the air as if to say Jesus, these blokes are unbeatable. Video of the laughing man running us through the hilarious intricacies of the Josh Caddy deal. So suddenly we weren’t funny for the Cats, and they had to look for a new laughing stock....and on June 12, 2020, they found one:



None other than the perennial football league imposters, the historically accidental 60 year success blip Hawthorn Hawks. And it is thus that the Hawks became the third level laughing stock, the laughing stock’s laughing stock’s laughing stock. They now sit comfortably where they belong, a good two levels of laughing stock above us. And boy don’t they look good there. When you look at it in a broader historical context, not just the momentary snapshot that is the last 60 years, it all makes perfect sense.

This week, we play our laughing stock’s laughing stock. So it should, if nothing else, be a really good laugh.


Match Preview

Contitions

Night conditions, dewy, MCG, mid winter. Right up the Tigers’ alley. The only thing against us is the virus has conspired to keep 80,000 gentle Tiger souls from offering balanced, thoughtful, in person commentary on the Hawks players and the umpires. That is a shame.

The Hawks play a dry weather brand of football that went out of vogue years ago, but they still turn up playing this rubbish style week in, week out, like a bad uncle at a wedding wearing a suit that looks like it has been stolen from some poor now near-naked 85 year old lying shivering somewhere.

So we could end this preview right there because we know the “genius” Clarkson won’t work out by this Thursday that you need to apply a go-forward low possession style of football to the prevailing conditions. And even if by some miracle he did, his lumbering team of dinosaurs won’t see which way the zippy Tigers have gone in the slippery and open spaces of the MCG. But because Hawthorn are the laughing stock’s laughing stock, let’s have a bit more of a laugh at their expense shall we?

Form

Tigers

Last start - came from a long way back to hit the line hard over the short journey last week when the judge couldn’t separate them and the fast starting Magpies.
Two starts back - showed versatility to start like they were shot out of a cannon and then held off the fast finishing Blues to kick away for a comfortable win.
Three starts back - took what was notionally the second best football team in the known Universe and brained them by 89 points running away in very stylish fashion.
Four starts back - Made a mockery of the hapless minor premier Cats by standing them up a 19 point half time lead before winning going away with a leg in the air.
Five starts back - Made from all accounts a rare appearance outside the Richmond precinct to treat the Brisbane crowd to something special kicking 18 goals to 8.

Laughing Stock Hawks and the terror of an opponent off a 7 day break
Last start - Somehow managed to stay in touch with perennial Tiger laughing stock Geelong to half time before completely embarrassing themselves after the newly additionally elongated long break. Cats entered this match 83 days after their last match.
Two starts back - Managed to fall in against a poor Lions thanks to the miracle of a 60 year old Shaun Burgoyne kicking 4 goals. Brisbane were off a 190 day break.
Three starts back - Took advantage of a pressure free dead match to beat the same Eagles team the Tigers had softened up in a high pressure match 6 days earlier.
Four starts back - Fell in by 70 points v a the Suns, a team with arguably even less right to be in the competition than themselves. Suns were off an 8 day break.
Five starts back - Disgracefully allowed GWS to score more than 3 goals when beating them 13.7 v 4.5 in Canberra. 6 days post a tight derby for GWS.

Here, the laughing stock Hawks crucially face the Tigers off an odd numbered 7 day break. As you can see from the above, ALL of the Hawks recent wins have been against teams off even numbered days breaks. When they finally met the terror of a team off an odd numbered days break they very predictably crumbled in a heap. So what possible chance would they have this week? The quite obvious answer, I am led to believe, is an even number....zero.

Factors

The Hardwick factor

This guy has the indian sign over the Hawks, boasting a 9-7 record over a team who is supposed to be the be the best of the AFL era, if not all time. More importantly, he is seen as an all round good guy who gives his dogs motivational speeches, TikToks with his daughter - whatever that is, takes culturally diverse recruits into his family home to settle them into Melbourne, and caringly calls Nathan Buckley to offer support every time the latter is weeping over a lost Grand Final or the fact the press got hold of the sordid details of his extra-marital relations with a player's partner. Just, what a guy.

The Clarkson factor
Midget Mr Potato headed over the hill stuck in the past person who punches anything he doesn’t like that he thinks can’t fight back. Ian Aitken, the coach’s box wall, some hapless Port Adelaide supporting ning nong. Woefully bad guitar player. And have a look at this. Brendan Bolton has a better coaching record at Hawthorn than him, despite being an even worse guitarist and singularly failing to punch anything no matter how tempting it must have been at times. Bolton, who dead set couldn’t coach a load of Japanese tourists to Uluru, had a 5-0 100% record at the Hawks, compiled when the plaster-puncher was ill. Meanwhile the genius has a way inferior 61% winning record. Bolton famously went on to coach the blues to a number one draft pick and never failed to deliver a top 5 pick in his glorious run at the powerhouse Blues. So if Bolton can have a 100% win record at the Hawks during Clarkson’s time, how bad is Clarkson going to have only delivered a mere 4 premierships and a 61% win ratio?

Mosquito fleets
We have a Rioli, and as Clarkson has shown over and over again, he is nothing without a Rioli, let alone with one against him. Short, Bolton, Baker, Edwards, Castagna, Kane the Lamborghini(😁) Stack, Prestia and the master of Higginometry, the one and only, Higglett. Chasing that lot with no idea which way they went will be the Hawks new answer to their lack of a viable small defender: Big Boy McEvoy. 😂😂😂. I wonder how that is going to work out?

Rucks
Jonathon Struglar pitted up against The Soldering Iron, Big Ivan Soldo, who last week sent that big sook Grundy to the Epworth for scans on his hip. Just some beautiful work there by big Ivan, play the ball, and if that doesn’t work, play the man. Footy has never changed in that regard and it never will. This should be amusing to watch.

Agent Provocateurs
Possession beggar and serial squib receiver blood-nut James “Flames” Sicily up against consummate double major winning enforcer, the Steve Williams of football, Josh “Tiger” Caddy, who, once he teed up the right club has come a fair way in the sport. Anger is Caddy’s one wood and this area will be out of bounds for the Hawks.

Premierships
The Hawks players v Cats last week had 24 flags between them, very impressive.....until put up against the Tigers 33 from their round two team.

Brownlows
Tigers: 2, Cotchin, Martin, two finer exponents of doing things that matter on a footy field you would not see.

Hawks: 1, Mitchell, the man who would dive into a pile of sh1t if there was a meaningless stat in it for him. Has mastered irrelevant desperation.

Captains
Tigers: Dual Premiership skipper, Brownlow Medallist, State team Captain and too many awards to mention with perfect hair Trent Cotchin.

Hawks: Back pinching faux tough guy, I mean David Stratton from The Movie Show is tougher than him, with no awards and wtf hair, Ben Stratton.

Where This Match Will be Won and Lost

Soldo tap, Martin, Lynch brings it to ground, Rioli, handball to Castagna, snap, goal. Castagna’s opponent Ben MacEsnail has not moved.

Soldo tap, Prestia to Cotchin, Riewoldt brings it to ground, Bolton, no possibility of a handball, goal. Does the number 29 proud.

Pickett tap, Pickett roves, blind turn, Higgins does one of his famous goal or behind line manoeuvres, football world melts, goal.

And so on.

But it will be fun. And we will laugh. At our laughing stock's laughing stock. 😁😁
 
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But but but but but but - guru Svengali super coach Clarko coming off an embarrassing loss - will probably jog laps of the MCG without his shirt on ala Manuka in the snow last year....

We have no hope.
 

Soberian Tiger

Borat's cousin twice removed from village
Jul 25, 2018
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I retired from commenting back in the break, but felt the need to log back in to say that I enjoyed this piece immensely.

Well played, Meteoric Rise.

They deserve no less, after the sheer frustration of beating them regularly for years, but with nothing to show for it...
 

Ceehook

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Oct 3, 2017
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Will the Hawks be better for a run under their belt , as in a lot better ? possibly

hopefully we don't suffer a let down after the Pies game , the Tiger faithful could point to a number ways we could improve on that game
which I'm confident our current players and coaching group will do over the next few weeks

we have to not fall for the oldest trick in the book , taking your opponent too lightly

don't let them get their game up and running , steam roller them early and put them to the sword on the final score board
 
Feb 4, 2008
12,957
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Melbourne
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Richmond
Will the Hawks be better for a run under their belt , as in a lot better ? possibly

hopefully we don't suffer a let down after the Pies game , the Tiger faithful could point to a number ways we could improve on that game
which I'm confident our current players and coaching group will do over the next few weeks

we have to not fall for the oldest trick in the book , taking your opponent too lightly

don't let them get their game up and running , steam roller them early and put them to the sword on the final score board

We also need to be careful not to fall for one of the newer tricks in the book Ceehook, taking your opponent too seriously. Let’s just smash them off the paddock and laugh at them.
 
Feb 4, 2008
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Excellent work, MR. :thumbsu:

I had no idea of their pre-VFL history...who did they bribe?

The official reason given at the time was the VFL saw them as a way of expanding into the Eastern suburbs. So Hawthorn were a geographical expansion club, similar to GWS, except the latter had only about 4 shocking years where the Hawks had about 90 before they even threatened mediocrity.

The real reason? Who could know for sure, but the main possibilities are blackmail(cameras had been invented and were in relatively common use by 1925,) bribery, someone switching the paperwork to rob some poor club like Port Melbourne or Williamstown or West Melbourne of their chance in the big time, or a drunk official did it for a joke. There is no other possible reason. They were sh1t.
 

NimFromSudan

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Mar 14, 2016
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Had another look over the Collingwood game and the wing structure really killed us. Graham and Lambert have to go back to running off half forward to be fully effective and we need better run, rebound and reliability. If Caddy's not fit then Kamdyn needs to play. He know's the role better than anyone else on the list.
 
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