Twenty-Two Short Stories About Sweet
Tonga Bob
I had a good run
- Oct 26, 2013
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Prologue
The opening post for this final match thread of season thirty four (34) begins with BLUEALLTHRU and TedDougChris, captains of the two teams facing off in this season’s Grand Final, spitting off of a bridge leading to SFA Park and wondering about the lives of the other people in Sweet.
They talk about how their teams have made it to the final Sunday in [check notes] November. BAT mentions how his team, the Baghdad Bombers, finished second on the ladder after the end of the home and away season for the second season running before dispatching the Gumbies and the Phoenix to progress to the Big Dance. After he finishes laughing at the Grand Final being called The Big Dance, Ted reminds BAT that his team, the Roys, are not only reigning premiers but finished on top of the ladder this season. Ted goes on to talk about how his team made light work of both the Royals and the Gumbies to progress to the season decider. BAT then retorts by reminding Ted that last time the two teams met, the Babylonians prevailed over the Gorillas 13.9 (87) to 11.5 (71) back in round six.
After scowling at each other for what seems like an eternity, the duo’s attention then turns to what their players might be getting up to in the final week of season 34. The remainder of the episode consists of a variety of short stories focusing on those players, and the hijinks that they get up to. Besides, who doesn’t love a good rip off of a Simpsons episode?
Jack's Story
BigFooty stalwart _Mike_ asks Roy wingman JackNah_8 to go to a party with some other Roys, so JackNah leaves the BJO for the next five minutes. During this period, he eats a semi-cooked chud dog, dances to the song ‘Venus’ by Bananarama, makes sweet love with a woman in a tool shed (a weird name to call a vageen but anyway) and falls into a pool with other partygoers, including Runk Sterge RU_ windyhill Cats_R_Cool_4_Ever Chezzalenko Reborn and Beandip. He heads back to the BJO with a minute to spare. He opens the door to the ground and discovers that Barrels had returned to Sweet and was inside the BJO during the four minutes that JackNah was away. Barrels demands his four minutes of "wasted" time back, but quickly lets it go, claiming he would just waste them.
Lore's First Story
While skateboarding, BLUEALLTHRU accidentally throws gum into Roy backline enforcer Lore's hair while she puts a beer can into a recycling bin. Rover in more ways than one and 2IC of the Universe Wosh tries to get the gum out of Lore's hair with peanut butter, mayonnaise and Dare Triple Espresso ice coffee. Lore then goes outside to let the mix sink in but is chased around the yard by a swarm of beez.
Sunny's Story
Bomber rover Mr. Bovo and his rookie companion Sun Ra are on a tandem bike ride where Sunny gets stung by a bee, but also has an allergic reaction after claiming that he is deadly allergic to bee stings. Mr. Bovo orders Sun Ra to pedal to the hospital while in great pain, but in the end they crash right at the hospital's door, and paramedics pick up the unconscious Mr. Bovo instead of the ailing Sunny. Bomber Surgeon-General Dr. KohPhi walks by and simply exclaims that Sunny needs booze, and drops pocket change on the ailing rookie.
Dr. KohPhi's Story
Dr. KohPhi, the silent partner in the Babylonian co-caliphate, walks into the medical boardroom to have a meeting about his gross incompetence. Suddenly, a doctor walks in and tells them that a lunatic flanker with a scalpel (snozulu) is demanding to see a quack. The board members (including Here2tellyouwhy burningdwarf Citroin gab213 La Dispute LicoriceAllsorts Osc1 YeoGabbaGabba and Dadda Dave ) turn to look at Dr. KohPhi. He walks through the door giving a nonsensical diagnosis: that snozulu's skeleton is trying to escape his body. He performs an improvised treatment by shocking snozulu with the wires of a nearby surgery light. The grateful board allows Dr. KohPhi to keep his medical license, and he celebrates by offering free boob jobs to everyone, starting with veteran forward iDon.
PHIL's Story
Rookie Roy Ruckdog DERRINALPHIL asks pocket rocket Elmer_Judd if he recalls PHIL quipping that he will have to send away to NASA to calculate Elmer's bar tab. The results came in, and PHIL tells Elmer that he owes 14 billion ClarkeMonies (he initially claims that it was CM70 billion until he realized that that was actually the cost for the Voyager Spacecraft). Elmer gives PHIL CM2,000, which PHIL says is halfway there. Polynesian photoshopper extraordinaire CursingFijian then comes and tries to rob PHIL. PHIL quickly runs into a room behind him with a 3-inch thick bulletproof glass window. While PHIL is behind the bulletproof glass, CursingFijian jumps over the counter, and steals from the cash register to pay off his visa to keep him in Sweet before being deported back to Fiji. PHIL wonders how much air he has behind the bulletproof glass, and shortly after collapses.
Kilroy's Story
Principal Kilroy has invited Superintendent Jabba73 to his house for an unforgettable luncheon, but his roast is ruined and so he resorts to ordering fast food from Qrusty Burger and disguising it as his own cooking (which he calls "Full Marks For Grilled Ham"). While trying to come up with fake explanations to cover up his lie, Kilroy forgets to turn off the oven and sets his house on fire. When Jabba notices, Kilroy passes it off as aurora baghdadis and rushes him out. Jabba states that although Kilroy is an odd fellow, he grills a good ham. While Glad wrap loving weirdo MITS calls for help, the Sweet Fire Department helps with the fire.
Robertio's Story
Hirsute Heathcotian Robertio is walking Pugsley, and holding SDILF lover Ligma and some groceries at the same time and comes across a newspaper vending machine. The paper has an article regarding a new Guinness tax. Concerned about the Guinness tax, Robertio buys a paper while juggling Ligma, Pugsley and the groceries, and accidentally locks Ligma in the newspaper vending machine. After finding only train flattened coins in his pocket, Robertio tries to pull Ligma out through the little space that the door opens but pulls off Ligma's clothing accidentally. Robertio tries to put a note on Pugsley about Ligma being trapped. However, since Robertio wrote it in the foam on top of a Guinness, Pugsley licks it off the paper. Robertio ultimately chooses to just steal the vending machine with Ligma still inside.
Chief Zevon's Story
Goal-kicking Excitable Roy Zevon is at Qrusty Burger with Allikat and Kabanna, and they discuss their comeback seasons. Allikat has been a revelation on the wing and Kabanna’s made a strong return to the league after spending time at Coney Island. They then discuss the similarities and differences of McDonald's and Qrusty Burger, and the food they sell. Zevon talks about how a Qrusty Burger in China is called an “Unsuspecting Tyrant Double-Decker Beef Fort”, while chicken nuggets are called “Ambiguously-Shaped Chicken Flavoured Yoga Mats”. Zevon later leaves and goes to get some beef chow mein from Lee Ho Fooks.
Bumblebee tigs2010's Story
Bumblebee tigs2010 returns from his show where he plays a ruck rover for the reigning premiers, and plans to relax at home. However he encounters a series of disasters that accidentally destroys his house, kills a gorilla at the Sweet Zoo (RIP in pieces Qarambe) and almost wipes out his club.
CursingFijian and Zevon's Story
CursingFijian is driving his car listening to a rock version of Werewolves of London while Chief Zevon is idiotically walking down the street, eating more beef chow mein the greedy guts. Zevon notices the song and then CursingFijian, who runs him over impulsively. Zevon chases after the Fijian and they indirectly wind up in Once Was Full Forward Mooch's Primate Antiques. Mooch captures them at gunpoint, beats them up and ties them up after putting red gag balls in their mouths. He afterwards tells them "as soon as Mobbs gets here, the party will begin," implying that CursingFijian and Zevon are about to grit their teeth.
Reverend royboy's Story
Roy Reverend royboy2 walks a pet gorilla Roylion and has him relieve himself on Bomber rookie PetWussy's front yard. Pet comes out onto his yard, and royboy insincerely scolds his primate companion.
Lore's Second Story
After escaping the beez, Wosh is still trying to remove the gum from Lore's hair. After royboy2 suggests freezing it out, he accidentally mashes more hair into it. Soon, a large crowd of people from all across Sweet have gathered into Wosh's kitchen to offer suggestions, including Dr. Pickitt, Tigerturbulance Attorney-At-Law, Sideshow damicky, The Filth Wizard, Capo tony, T2B_, Hate, TheInjuryFactory, Groundskeeper DenieD, the Sin City Goofball (philreich), Handsome Elton Johns Wig, Dr. pantskyle von Colossus, and the retiring Chipmunk.
Aristotle's Story
Roy refugee Aristotle Pickett finds a pair of boots and gives them to the softly-spoken half back 3KZ is Football to wear in the Grand Final, who refuses to accept them as they may "make my legs go all crazy like". 3KZ tells Aristotle to put them back where they came from. Aristotle climbs a telephone pole and hangs them over the power lines where he found them. He then shouts at his mother to get off the roof.
Ted's Story
TedDougChris goes into The Forbidden Spoiler's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop to use the toilet, but the respawned HaroLad tells Ted that the dunny is for paying customers only. Ted chooses to purchase a Tales Of The Jedi comic for 75 cents but at that moment his father, the silverback fitzroybowiedog comes in and, appalled that Ted is just buying comics, he takes Ted to another place. He and Ted go into Mooch's Primate Antiques to get Ted to a toilet.
fitzroybowiedog's Story
Mooch has captured CursingFijian and Zevon who are tied up and is now holding a shotgun and waiting for Mobbs to come back to his store (spoiler alert: he doesn’t come back). TedDougChris and his dad fitzroybowiedog come in so that Ted can go to the toilet. A confused Mooch, who opened the door after mistaking Ted and his father for Mobbs, agrees. While bowie is trying to make small talk with Mooch after noticing that Zevon and CursingFijian are sitting right in front of him while tied up and gagged, Mooch holds him at gunpoint and tells him to "get in the corner" so he can be tied up with the Fijian and Zevon. Ted accidentally hits Mooch from behind with a sack of doorknobs, knocking him unconscious. CursingFijian escapes, as the others wonder over the weird situation.
Lore's Third Story
Lore goes to hotchilli the Barber to get her hair cut. With a small bald spot from the hair getting cut, she gets it restyled, which makes Lore look more like a real person. She leaves the barber shop, and gonzo travel agent & goat impersonator zackah laughs at her ridiculous hair.
zackah's Story
After laughing at Lore's new hair, zackah laughs at JustaBattler, who trips and falls into a trash can, and then laughs at a tall guy driving a very small Volkswagen Beetle. The tall man, whose name is kickthething and was employed as a ruckman this season, stops his car and gets out. He chases after zackah. Although zackah tries to hide in a manhole, Lore, as payback for zackah's earlier mocking of her new hairstyle, gives his hiding spot away to kickthething. Kickthething then lectures him and explains that the Beetle was the only large car he could afford, though after zackah admitted he still found it funny, he decided to teach him a lesson by having him be the victim of being laughed for his misfortune. He then pulls down zackah's pants and makes him walk down the street to teach the goat impersonator a lesson, also pointing him out to the gathered populace and telling them to laugh at him for a change, as well as adding insult to injury by ordering him to wave to the crowd and blow kisses. zackah is splattered by ketchup and mustard by BLUEALLTHRU and TedDougChris, who are standing on top of an overpass.
Epilogue
After being reminded that they should really have their teamsheets submitted by 11:59pm AEDST this Thursday but if they don't it's all good because what even is time anyway, BAT and Ted walk away with the conclusion that everybody has their own story to tell, with not enough time to tell them all.
Out of nowhere, Professor VeinGlorious appears and tries to tell his story but is cut short by the end of the home and away season and thus unable to feature in the Grand Final story. Unluckeeeeeee!!!
