I hate the Crows. I mean, I really hate the Crows.
I left my first wife because she barracked for the Crows (they didn't exist - they weren't even a diseased sperm in Max Basheer's left nut- when I married her). I am more likely to support ISIS's efforts to decapitate 100 innocent children than support the Crow's winning anything- other than another glorious wooden spoon.
It's not so much their players. It's hard to dislike a bunch of inept, pea-hearted and semi-skilled "has beens" and "never will bees" who have brought unprecedented shame to their silly fruit tingle jumper. I've even warmed to their management who somehow transformed their team from Premiership favourites on Grand Final Day 2017 to laughing stock of the AFL in record time by stripping them naked, putting bags on their heads, tying them to poles and racially vilifying them for a week in the name of team bonding.
I know what they were trying to do. By humiliating them to the point of total despair they were hoping that putting on that embarrassing jumper and having to occasionally sing that annoying bloody team song wouldn't seem so bad. It failed worse than Hitler's parish priest.
No, it's their supporters I reserve my utmost contempt for. Never in human history has a group gathered together, with the aim of supporting a team, with less idea about the sport they are supposed to be playing than the "19th Moron". The rules of the game are a complete mystery to that lot. Try talking to one of these masterminds about the tactics involved in AFL footy and- if you still have the will to live afterwards- it is the only conversation you can have with another human in which you know less afterwards than before.
All stereotypes aside, they are mostly a bunch of ageing, women, theatre goers and arrogant, self-opiniated, but invariably wrong, male dickheads who live to take every opportunity to smuggly rub it in whenever the Rories have a win over Port or other success for months, even years after. I still get asked if I would like to watch their Grand Final wins with them- to which I always respond- "Is it on VHS or Beta".
That is why we cannot lose this game. We have a real chance to make the top 4 and, if we can get some momentum over the next 2 months, to win our second AFL flag. Not only will an upset destroy that, but they will take credit for derailing our season and we won't hear the end of it for years.
To the game.
We have a stronger, faster, more skilled and more experienced team with greater incentive to win. They are missing some key spuds like Rory Brown, Rory Talia and Rory Mileria. Rory Crouch might play (he is no longer on their injury list) but he probably won't. Rory Crouch is a free agent this year and destined to join his brother Rory at St Kilda or another Vic club and is showing little interest in playing. It could only remind potential suitors what a slow, "kick and hope" hack he is.
We are likely to go in unchanged despite the fact that we are no longer playing indoors and the conditions (a dewy evening) will not suit our giant forward line. This will be risky. However, I can't see Ken dropping Marshall and Georgiades and Ladhams deserve to keep their spot. Robbie is not ready yet and the only small forward option in the shed is Woodcock. Ken may be tempted to rest Charlie- but there is a bye in 3 weeks and percentage over Sydney (who play North and Gold Coast in their last 2 games) may yet be a factor affecting our top 4 hopes.
A key will be how well this giant forward line can hold their marks and hold the ball in when they don't mark it.
The Cows have the same problem at the other end. Last week they played R.Walker, R.Himmleberg, R.Lynch and R.Fogarty and they have R.Thilthorpe (who has been "rested" for 3 weeks now) to come in. We don't need to panic and rush in more tall defenders- Burton, McKenzie, Aliir and Jonas can all bring the ball to ground and the first 3 will destroy their talls when the ball is on the ground.
We could be tempted to include Clurey on the back of his efforts in Showdown 49. That day he made R.Walker look like a fat, slow, 31 year old, one trick pony who was more concerned about carefully balancing a slug between his upper lip and nose than getting the footy....wait.... but our incumbent defenders are quite capable also.
Matching their best 5 players against ours demonstrates our superiority:
Wines, Dixon, Boak, Butters, Amon vs R.Laird, R.Walker, R.Sloane, R.Smith, R.Dodo- their 5 will be their keys to winning Slowdown 2022.
Matching their worst 5 against our players 18-22, proves the same point:
Marshall, Bonner, Bergman, Powell-Pepper, Byrne-Jones (on form) vs R.McPherson, R.Jones, R. McHenry, R.Rowe, R.Murray- seriously, there hasn't been a worse looking collection of spuds since the Potato Famine.
We should not lose, we must not lose but it is a Showdown and it is their Grand Final. Therefore, we must:
- start strongly and not give them an early sniff
- win the contested ball
- be composed entering the F50
Port by 40.
I left my first wife because she barracked for the Crows (they didn't exist - they weren't even a diseased sperm in Max Basheer's left nut- when I married her). I am more likely to support ISIS's efforts to decapitate 100 innocent children than support the Crow's winning anything- other than another glorious wooden spoon.
It's not so much their players. It's hard to dislike a bunch of inept, pea-hearted and semi-skilled "has beens" and "never will bees" who have brought unprecedented shame to their silly fruit tingle jumper. I've even warmed to their management who somehow transformed their team from Premiership favourites on Grand Final Day 2017 to laughing stock of the AFL in record time by stripping them naked, putting bags on their heads, tying them to poles and racially vilifying them for a week in the name of team bonding.
I know what they were trying to do. By humiliating them to the point of total despair they were hoping that putting on that embarrassing jumper and having to occasionally sing that annoying bloody team song wouldn't seem so bad. It failed worse than Hitler's parish priest.
No, it's their supporters I reserve my utmost contempt for. Never in human history has a group gathered together, with the aim of supporting a team, with less idea about the sport they are supposed to be playing than the "19th Moron". The rules of the game are a complete mystery to that lot. Try talking to one of these masterminds about the tactics involved in AFL footy and- if you still have the will to live afterwards- it is the only conversation you can have with another human in which you know less afterwards than before.
All stereotypes aside, they are mostly a bunch of ageing, women, theatre goers and arrogant, self-opiniated, but invariably wrong, male dickheads who live to take every opportunity to smuggly rub it in whenever the Rories have a win over Port or other success for months, even years after. I still get asked if I would like to watch their Grand Final wins with them- to which I always respond- "Is it on VHS or Beta".
That is why we cannot lose this game. We have a real chance to make the top 4 and, if we can get some momentum over the next 2 months, to win our second AFL flag. Not only will an upset destroy that, but they will take credit for derailing our season and we won't hear the end of it for years.
To the game.
We have a stronger, faster, more skilled and more experienced team with greater incentive to win. They are missing some key spuds like Rory Brown, Rory Talia and Rory Mileria. Rory Crouch might play (he is no longer on their injury list) but he probably won't. Rory Crouch is a free agent this year and destined to join his brother Rory at St Kilda or another Vic club and is showing little interest in playing. It could only remind potential suitors what a slow, "kick and hope" hack he is.
We are likely to go in unchanged despite the fact that we are no longer playing indoors and the conditions (a dewy evening) will not suit our giant forward line. This will be risky. However, I can't see Ken dropping Marshall and Georgiades and Ladhams deserve to keep their spot. Robbie is not ready yet and the only small forward option in the shed is Woodcock. Ken may be tempted to rest Charlie- but there is a bye in 3 weeks and percentage over Sydney (who play North and Gold Coast in their last 2 games) may yet be a factor affecting our top 4 hopes.
A key will be how well this giant forward line can hold their marks and hold the ball in when they don't mark it.
The Cows have the same problem at the other end. Last week they played R.Walker, R.Himmleberg, R.Lynch and R.Fogarty and they have R.Thilthorpe (who has been "rested" for 3 weeks now) to come in. We don't need to panic and rush in more tall defenders- Burton, McKenzie, Aliir and Jonas can all bring the ball to ground and the first 3 will destroy their talls when the ball is on the ground.
We could be tempted to include Clurey on the back of his efforts in Showdown 49. That day he made R.Walker look like a fat, slow, 31 year old, one trick pony who was more concerned about carefully balancing a slug between his upper lip and nose than getting the footy....wait.... but our incumbent defenders are quite capable also.
Matching their best 5 players against ours demonstrates our superiority:
Wines, Dixon, Boak, Butters, Amon vs R.Laird, R.Walker, R.Sloane, R.Smith, R.Dodo- their 5 will be their keys to winning Slowdown 2022.
Matching their worst 5 against our players 18-22, proves the same point:
Marshall, Bonner, Bergman, Powell-Pepper, Byrne-Jones (on form) vs R.McPherson, R.Jones, R. McHenry, R.Rowe, R.Murray- seriously, there hasn't been a worse looking collection of spuds since the Potato Famine.
We should not lose, we must not lose but it is a Showdown and it is their Grand Final. Therefore, we must:
- start strongly and not give them an early sniff
- win the contested ball
- be composed entering the F50
Port by 40.
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