I just returned to work this morning after a couple of days off and found this little gem waiting in my email:
All staff:
Please be advised that a mysterious virus (maggieococcus milleri) has infected our offices over the past weekend. There is a risk that the virus could reach pandemic proportions during this next week. The good news is it is expected to peak around 2.30pm this Saturday afternoon, after which it will suddenly disappear and become dormant for at least another decade.
This is a particularly virulent strain of the virus known as maggieococcus colliwobbli, that has been dormant for the past twelve years. The colliwobbli strain is not normally harmful and can usually be eliminated with straight forward clinical procedure.
The milleri strain, however, can be very nasty and can cause the
following symptoms to normal level-headed people.
Extreme nausea
Vomiting
Diarrhoea
Migraine
Rabies
Hair loss
Fits and seizures
A large culturally distinct section of the Australian population, known colloquially as the "Collingwood Army", carries the virus between pandemics.
The symptoms for this group are quite different:
Loss of sight through one eye
Self righteousness
Inflated sense of ability and self importance
Color blindness
Body odour
Confusion and disorientation during winter months
Foul language and bad breath
Long, mullet-style hair
Antisocial behaviour
A fondness for young men dressed in black and white
A hatred for young men dressed in white
Uncontrollable nerves
Irritability
Odd behaviour
Depression
The best treatment for carriers is physical and social isolation. Social attention only encourages the virus to flourish and make the symptoms worse.
In accordance with good workplace practices and in the interests of occupational health and sanity, management has agreed to allow staff to take the day off. We plan to fumigate the premises overnight. Should this fail to eradicate the disease, staff are encouraged to stay away from work until Monday when all traces of the disease will have vanished completely
All staff:
Please be advised that a mysterious virus (maggieococcus milleri) has infected our offices over the past weekend. There is a risk that the virus could reach pandemic proportions during this next week. The good news is it is expected to peak around 2.30pm this Saturday afternoon, after which it will suddenly disappear and become dormant for at least another decade.
This is a particularly virulent strain of the virus known as maggieococcus colliwobbli, that has been dormant for the past twelve years. The colliwobbli strain is not normally harmful and can usually be eliminated with straight forward clinical procedure.
The milleri strain, however, can be very nasty and can cause the
following symptoms to normal level-headed people.
Extreme nausea
Vomiting
Diarrhoea
Migraine
Rabies
Hair loss
Fits and seizures
A large culturally distinct section of the Australian population, known colloquially as the "Collingwood Army", carries the virus between pandemics.
The symptoms for this group are quite different:
Loss of sight through one eye
Self righteousness
Inflated sense of ability and self importance
Color blindness
Body odour
Confusion and disorientation during winter months
Foul language and bad breath
Long, mullet-style hair
Antisocial behaviour
A fondness for young men dressed in black and white
A hatred for young men dressed in white
Uncontrollable nerves
Irritability
Odd behaviour
Depression
The best treatment for carriers is physical and social isolation. Social attention only encourages the virus to flourish and make the symptoms worse.
In accordance with good workplace practices and in the interests of occupational health and sanity, management has agreed to allow staff to take the day off. We plan to fumigate the premises overnight. Should this fail to eradicate the disease, staff are encouraged to stay away from work until Monday when all traces of the disease will have vanished completely
