Health Struggling with life and getting over my ex girlfriend?

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t_94

Club Legend
May 6, 2014
2,883
4,910
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St Kilda
Dude listening to this, you’re actually in a spot with plenty of upside, though it might not seem like it.

Career - you’re 25 with no dependents. Forget your career, it hasn’t even started yet. You’re in an amazing position as far as being able to forge a path you want. Many people can’t.

Have a serious think about what your ideal career would be. Get help with it. See a career coach. Speak to recruiters. I don’t mean “I wanna be an astronaut” stuff. I mean what’s a real, practical career that would suit what you want and are good at? People think about this stuff. There’s an industry devoted to working with you on it.

The good news is that an accounting degree and experience is far from wasted. You’ll be able to employ the skills you have in basically any role, company or organisation. Money really does make the fu**in world go round. If you understand it, it’s an advantage in absolutely any field.

Now changing careers isn’t that easy. And yes, I’ve done it. Depending on what you’re going into, you might need to take a major pay cut. You might need to do some unpaid work after hours to get experience. Is it worth it? If you want it, absolutely. If you’ve chosen it you may well even enjoy it anyway.

The great advantage you have is you’ve become aware that your career doesn’t fulfil you now. Lots of people gets distracted and don’t realise this stuff for decades. You can start crafting something now.

Anxiety - it sucks, but it sounds like it’s not debilitating. I mean, if you’re out playing soccer in a team, you have actually met girls and started a relationship, you’re a hell of a lot better off than some others. Keep working at it.

It can help to realise what you have rather than what you don’t have. Read about these things. Getting inspiration from what others have gone through isn’t meant to belittle your problems - they are absolutely real - it’s meant to give you an appreciation for what you have, rather than what you’re missing. We’re all missing things.

Here’s a quote from quadriplegic Beau Vernon. Strapping, knockabout 23yo footballer one minute, spine injury the next minute.

He spent seven months at the Royal Talbot rehabilitation hospital in Kew. After being shown around the facilities on his first day, he found himself alone in his room.

"I couldn't scratch my nose, I couldn't turn on the TV, I couldn't turn the pages of a book," he said. "I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't go to the toilet. In that instant, I broke down crying uncontrollably, thinking, ‘How did my life get to here?' "


If you’re into reading - or even if you’re not - try The Element by Sir Ken Robinson. If you can somehow find your element, you’ll be happy, dedicated and busy, it’s amazing how often the other stuff falls into place. As for girls, well... if you have a passion for something and you’re working at it, you don’t realise how attractive that can be.

Not aimed at me but great post. Thanks The Bunk.
 
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Tarkyn_24

Hall of Famer
Dec 23, 2006
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gee whiz what a whinger
The bloke’s clearly having a rough time of it, or at least feels as such. Emotions can get on top of everyone from time to time and it can feel like the walls are closing in and you’re stuck in a hamster wheel - a bit of compassion wouldn’t go astray.

Definitely seen bigger sooks around the forum. He could be whinging about the occasional bogan getting in to the AFL members, for instance.
 

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SHAKESPEARE

Cancelled
Jun 21, 2009
26,776
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Definitely seen bigger sooks around the forum. He could be whinging about the occasional bogan getting in to the AFL members, for instance.
I'm clearly having a rough time of it, or at least feels as such. Emotions in the AFL members can get on top of everyone from time to time and it can feel like the walls are closing in and you’re stuck in a hamster wheel - a bit of compassion wouldn’t go astray.
 

ash_1050

Premiership Player
Nov 21, 2009
3,002
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do things get better?
Absolutely they get better and they will mate, though you might feel down for a while which is totally ok. As others have mentioned you don't see it now but looking back you'll realise you've got a prime opportunity right now to make the most of your opportunities. A lot of good advice has been provided already, I'd add to that if you've got a spare few hundred bucks book a trip somewhere cheap abroad like Thailand, Vietnam or even Bali to have something to look forward to and get you out of your current environment for a bit. Alternately if there's a bit more of a budget book something like a Contiki trip and explore Europe for a bit with a stack of other similar people your age. It's a great way to socialise and you'll soon be focused on the future rather than the past.
 

Macpotata

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 22, 2017
9,135
10,255
AFL Club
Geelong
In all honesty, you won't give a flying fu** later on down the track. Every campaigner goes through hell in life. 1st response said it all. You're in way better shape than many 25 year olds. Hell is hell, no matter what. But better to be where you are than someone who can't walk, lost a son/family member etc.


Again, Craigos is spot on

'' You met a girl when you had no experience with women and now you have that 7 months experience to draw on for your next relationship ''


7 months experience and good times to draw on and take into your next relationship/fu** buddy. It will happen again, even if you think it won't. Without the sh*t at the end, you wouldn't have got the good. Be thankful you had that, before you didn;t.


Join clubs, have fun. Knuckle down and work hard. Regroup. Life is all about answering the challengers and obstacles that get's thrown in our way.
 

Macpotata

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 22, 2017
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Life doesn't pull punches for NOBODY. Rich, famous, no matter who or where you come from.



Everyone's been there and everyone will.
 

Run n Spread

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
8,732
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do things get better?
Yes they very much get better. Control your own life and set in the direction you want to go. Nothing else matters. You have a great insight at your age you sensed something was wrong and you were correct.

Tip:

Don't date: Liars and fantasists (if something feels wrong it is) they will lie through their teeth

Drug Addicts: Nothing against whatever your substance but stay away from the hard core addicts. Drugs will only take precedence.

Anything else over to you. Don't try and please everyone else.
 

Caesar

Ex-Huckleberry
Mar 3, 2005
24,481
9,778
Tombstone, AZ
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Western Bulldogs
do things get better?
Things get different. When you look back in 10 years, some things will be better than they are now and some things will be worse. Some of the things that seem important now won't matter, and some of the things that don't seem important will.

Sooner or later we all get dealt a dud hand by life that we can't control. The only thing we can control (and judge ourselves on) is how we react to it. I remember when I had setbacks in my early 20s, I'd often go and moan to my dad about it. The only thing he'd ever say is "keep smiling and keep trying".

You can only move forwards. Every morning you wake up, and you start making choices about what you're going to do today. Some choices will align your behaviour with the person you want to be and the life you want to live. Others won't. You know which are which - we all do.

I don't mean to sound glib. Living your life making choices that are consistent with your own values is often hard, sometimes scary, and won't always work out. I just know that all my regrets come from the times when I haven't done it.
 

mr bagcroft

Club Legend
May 19, 2017
2,866
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Yes they very much get better. Control your own life and set in the direction you want to go. Nothing else matters. You have a great insight at your age you sensed something was wrong and you were correct.

Tip:

Don't date: Liars and fantasists (if something feels wrong it is) they will lie through their teeth

Drug Addicts: Nothing against whatever your substance but stay away from the hard core addicts. Drugs will only take precedence.

Anything else over to you. Don't try and please everyone else.
VERY important addition to that list:
Narcissists!
Educate yourself and beware.
 

Macpotata

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 22, 2017
9,135
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You'll bounce back although you don't think so. This happens to everyone. You'll either end it with someone else, they'll end it with you. Or you could even get married/stay with that person forever.


It happens. Fortunes change.



Best wishes son.
 

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getthefooty

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 30, 2008
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do things get better?
Only if you make them better.

Sounds like you've copped a bit of a raw deal so far, and I sympathise with you. Having no friends and being lonely is tough. I experienced it myself when I went overseas on exchange and arrived a bit late into the semester (after enjoying my travels around Europe a bit too much beforehand). I was used to a very comfortable group of friends back home, and when I got over there, found everyone had already made their groups. I got pretty lonely pretty fast. I hadn't been in a position like that for years and didn't really know what to do. I had to really work hard to make friends and it taught me a thing or two about myself.

This might sound a little harsh, but wallowing in your own self pity won't achieve much. I haven't had experience with serious mental health issues, so I realise this might sound a little condescending. It's a good thing to have the self awareness to identify areas of your life that need improvement, but it only really counts if you're able to put things in place to carry out that improvement. Give yourself a direction - it doesn't really matter where you're going. It matters only that you commit 100% to it, because if you do that, even if you absolutely hate it the experience will be invaluable.

Try and remember to see the lighter side of life every day. Smile and make stupid jokes. Laugh at other people's jokes. Make someone else's day better by helping them out. Chuck a song on when you're doing the dishes and have a dance.

People are naturally drawn to warmth and those that act with purpose.
 

Max Baker

Brownlow Medallist
May 28, 2008
16,621
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I’m 42 and I feel like finding love is like climbing mt Everest. Impossible. Important thing is to keep plugging along. It’s hard but you got too.
 

Macpotata

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 22, 2017
9,135
10,255
AFL Club
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Give yourself a direction - it doesn't really matter where you're going. It matters only that you commit 100% to it, because if you do that, even if you absolutely hate it the experience will be invaluable.

Chuck a song on when you're doing the dishes and have a dance.

People are naturally drawn to warmth and those that act with purpose.
True. The whole post was great but I liked these things in particular.


Direction is everything, without a purpose you become stagnant. You become stagnant, you're lost. Direction is a sense of purpose. You will be more fulfilled and more decisive. This fits in well with the latter and people are drawn to these. Even if they're not, fu** them. You will feel great within yourself.


The song part is cool too. What it means is have fun, be in the moment. When you have these two things, you have peace and happiness.


getthefooty, you sir, are star.
 

kdavva74

Hotel? Trivago.
Jul 23, 2015
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I think a thread on finding friends is a pretty good idea, not so much as a guide but just to talk about it.

There are so many young people who are isolated. The other month, this kid on some community group put up a post asking if anyone wanted to hang out. Dude was autistic but he wrote well, had passions, and looked pretty regular. That pulls at the heart strings but it's a genuine issue.

There's this idea of the lonely divorced dad eating microwaved kievs and 11 Oettingers and the woman with the good job but no kids or partner, drinking alone every night hoping the Ubereats guy is friendly. Or the outcasts at school sitting on a steel bench alone. They're the clichés.

Young people are supposed to be pretty with the world in front of them, shagging strangers or boyfriends all the time, meeting up with their friends, drinking. It is probably the biggest taboo in terms of isolation, too, just because of the guilt and inevitable future regret. People drift or have friends drift from school. You go to uni and they stay in the same town. Maybe you work alone or with a different demographic and maybe your course is full of azns. It's not your fault. Pretty quickly you realise you haven't gone out in three months and you're the one trying to squeeze entertainment out of people you don't especially click with... or people you've unclicked from.

Sitting there seeing everyone else pi**ed in backyards on Australia Day while you're at home with your parents pretending 'nah, I can't be bothered' to invites you never got.

s**t like that stings and nobody, nobody talks about. Yet you get intimate with a girl and they bear themselves and let you know they cry about feeling that way at some point.

I won't even go into the politics of social media, and how some people parade some friends and basically hide others from their social media. s**t like that can sting. Then there's the pains of patronising friendships that are doomed just so you can sink piss with someone.

I actually feel sympathy for the young men who fall through the cracks of sociability.

You add the job sector and displacement of the gender and it's pretty easy to be entirely isolated.
Bit late to this but I really like this post.

For about 7 months last year I barely ever went out, just stayed at home, smoked weed and put on weight.

The thing that sucks about feeling isolated, especially if you have issues connecting socially like OP and I do, is that there's no one to talk to about it without coming off as either boring, needy, annoying or all three. The lack of connection creates a problem in and of itself.

Fortunately my work has a fairly good social life and so I was able to slowly work my way into it and go out more and more often. Sometimes I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't in small doses until I got to know someone better, but eventually it worked and now for the first time since high school I feel genuinely included in a couple of larger friend groups. I now go out drinking socially far more than smoking by myself at home.

It requires you going outside your comfort zone and can sometimes be really awkward but it's made my general outlook on life so much more positive and I still value my solitude whenever I want to.
 

TheMightyEagles

All Australian
Aug 8, 2010
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Mate this may sound out of left field, but I would try to write a long letter to your ~28 year old future self on futureme.org (nb: I'm not a shareholder or anything but it's a good site!) It can be along the lines of your OP but given you'll be the only person who reads it, feel free to write down everything about your present circumstances, hopes, fears, heartaches and dreams.

I've done this twice. The first time I was roughly your age and I wrote about:

- Agonising over my girlfriend at the time who I didn't love but didn't want to hurt
- Loneliness while on a trip overseas
- Still living with my parents
- Complete lack of career direction (I hadn't received any grad offers in my final year and had applied for a masters program which hadn't accepted me)
- Financial issues (I was in debt after quitting my job in my final year of university)
- Feelings of inadequacy and pessimism

I'm now in my mid-30s and I'm married to a great woman, have paid off my house and doing well in my career. I also finished that masters degree. But funnily enough, I have a whole new set of problems now that sometimes makes me yearn to be 25 again!

As others have said, there's a freedom you have right now that is unlikely to ever come your way again. Take advantage of it and explore new aspects of the world. There's so many things you can do and places you can see these days.

Women really knock you around at your age, but as a man that one definitely gets easier. Crudely put, p**** is not a scarce resource. There is literally over a billion or more eligible women on the planet. Know this and do your level best to not let this one get you down. Looks aren't really too much of a worry as a bloke. I'm way uglier than I was, yet if I wasn't with my wife it would be much easier to meet someone than before. As you get older, you'll start to care less about your experience (or lack of) with women. It just is what it is and certainly isn't something to take pride in or feel disappointed about.

Relationship breakups always hurt at any age. You're not alone - us men like to act like we're too tough for feel that way. But we do. Young people like your ex-girlfriend are sometimes reckless with people's hearts, but it usually comes back to bite them in the end. I had a break up that stayed with me for 5 years! It's true that time is eventually the healer of all wounds. I never think of her anymore (although try convincing me that would ever happen back then). Keep putting yourself out there and I guarantee you'll find someone who is an even better match for you.

Social anxiety is definitely one to deal with now. There's an expectation in society that most of your social awkwardness is addressed by the time you're 30. It's unfair but that's just the way it is. Listen to others' advice and work on those skills as much as you can. I buried myself in work rather than deal with this one, and it's making my life right now harder than it should be.

The key to success in your career (on whichever path you choose) is having direction and choosing something that aligns with your talents and skills. Once you've discovered the right path, work your @ss off for the next 5-10 years and you'll find yourself in an amazing place. Don't worry so much about keeping up with your peers - I know it's corny but it's like that Baz Luhrmann song: "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, the race is long but in the end its only with yourself."

Keeping working hard to stay off the punt. I'm sure you have already figured something out, but have a system in place for when you get stressed/depressed/angry etc. Old habits die hard.

All the best mate! Keep us posted how things go.
 

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