Discussion Struggling with Mental Issues (Call Beyond Blue (1300 224 636), Lifeline (131 114))

Drake Huggins

Club Legend
May 2, 2018
2,288
9,405
The ghost of the G.G. Huggins Stand
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Stoke City, Southampton.
My missus, being an award winning writer, is thinking of getting a blog up or support group or something. But of course that takes effort, confidence and involvement of others who are in the same boat as her. I'm pretty sure she will do it, and if so I will post details here. Hang in, we can all get through it
As a fellow writer, I'd love to give her every support I can, allrighty. PM me any time to discuss. Same goes for the missus. I do have a half decent network of influence as well. Let's see what we can do. Cheers, Drake.
 

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Moorabbin Ghost

Club Legend
Apr 28, 2015
2,582
24,025
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AFL Club
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My very good mate opened up to me on Grand Final night after way too many beers that he’s in a very dark place and has stood on the edge of a cliff recently trying to get the courage up to jump.
It’s 4 days on but I’m still really shaken up about it, I tried to encourage him to get to a GP but he’s very reluctant.
I just happened to see this thread and I want to say that you’re all bloody courageous people, some of you have been through things that I can’t even imagine.
I am in no way an expert but the biggest issue with men’s mental health seems to be the perceived stigma attached to asking for help, although this does seem to be changing, as evidenced by this thread.
I’ll do all I can for my mate but it’s a real feeling of helplessness at the moment and I can’t seem to shake this feeling of dread that something awful is going to happen with him.
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
My very good mate opened up to me on Grand Final night after way too many beers that he’s in a very dark place and has stood on the edge of a cliff recently trying to get the courage up to jump.
It’s 4 days on but I’m still really shaken up about it, I tried to encourage him to get to a GP but he’s very reluctant.
I just happened to see this thread and I want to say that you’re all bloody courageous people, some of you have been through things that I can’t even imagine.
I am in no way an expert but the biggest issue with men’s mental health seems to be the perceived stigma attached to asking for help, although this does seem to be changing, as evidenced by this thread.
I’ll do all I can for my mate but it’s a real feeling of helplessness at the moment and I can’t seem to shake this feeling of dread that something awful is going to happen with him.
Mate, he’s at risk. I’d think a couple of people have have already PM’d you by now but I’m very willing to have him or you contact me if that feels right. I’m far enough away for that to be completely anonymous. Maybe he can read this thread to get some perspective.
You are right, it’s bloody difficult to ask for help, really difficult. I’d decided on hanging. It was the vision of my loved ones having to deal with my hanging body that made me seek help. Once you do that, it’s really not so bad, as you can see from what people have posted here.
Hang in there, you are obviously a great friend to have. My heart goes out to you both.
 

Jughead77

Premium Platinum
Sep 25, 2017
664
5,312
AFL Club
St Kilda
It's taken awhile for me to get round to this. In the days after my initial post I probably tried at least 10 times to follow on with my story. Some attempts were a few sentences, others were 10 paragraphs long, before I decided to delete them completely. Reason being, it'll be quite easy for veterans in my industry to identify who i am based on what I'm revealing(obv the chances of them reading this are slim at best). But still, I'm not ready to go public yet, especially given the nature of my industry. So im trying my best to maintain some plausible deniability by being vague on some minor things. (wont work ofc but hey, if it eases my mind. Lol.)

Anyway, after Mandy's passing I lived my next 18 months in a complete daze. I had 2 simple papers to turn in to finish up my professional accreditation, not to mention all the interviews with big city firms I had lined up. But I just didn't bother. I kept to myself at home, taking comfort in reading books and overeating. Within 6 months my weight ballooned 25kg, from 64 to 89kg. I'm only 5.6 so that was a massive gain by anyone's standards. To get by financially, i did some retail work and i drove a cab at night when required.

One day, I bumped into an old uni mate and he invited me to his house to play a poker home game. I'd been avoiding my uni friends for nearly 2 years, hadn't answered calls, replied messages, I suppose I was just wallowing in my own grief. And I was also ashamed of my enormous weight gain and my failure to pursue a professional career in the city. He basically had to drag me to his house, I guess he knew if he took his eyes off me I'd slink right back to my self induced life of solitude.

Well, ive got no regrets(and I thanked him for it) cos for some crazy and inexplicable reason, poker just came natural to me. I've always been fast at calculating numbers in my head and combined with my ability to read people, it wasn't long before I started making decent money. I was passionate about learning all I could about the game so i spent hundreds if not many thousands of hours reading books, watching videos, reviewing hands, chatting on the poker forums to improve my game, etc.

In that first year I spent 3800 hrs at crown. Games were small back then which was great for me bcos it meant I stuck to the same stakes, put in the hours and learnt the game properly. Gradually, i started playing more poker online rather than live at crown. Reason being you can only play one table in person but online it's up to you how many you think you can handle, or want to handle. I started playing 2 tables online then kept adding more as i got more confident. At my peak I was playing 24 tables which i had to split into 4 monitors. My anxiety and ocd came in handy after all..

A year after that, I made the move to Asia. Poker had just launched there and i had to be there to maximise my income.

Before I go on I just want to stress that I am in no way advocating ppl take up poker as an easy source of income. 15 years ago, hardly anyone knew how to play. And even back then, only 4% of players were winning players. These days I believe that number has dropped to 2%. I've trained and coached nearly 100 players in the last 15 yrs and my advice to all but 2 of them, was to get a proper job and treat the game like a hobby.

I've rambled on again. Could seriously write a book on everything I've seen on the poker tables and in the asian gambling industry. One day..

Back to point, I was living a good life, travelling the world, staying in 5 star hotels, making decent money, and due to my success I had a pretty decent profile in the asian countries. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had a footy player type profile. Maybe 1% of that. lol. Most of it was due to a couple of tournaments which id done alright in, being replayed on espn Asia. Still, I must admit i did get a buzz out of being recognised, getting asked for autographs and photos, like some z grade celeb.

Funny story, at the height of my mini 'stardom' I was in Manila for a tournament and it was the opening of their 1st poker room. I probably had a dozen Filipinos who'd seen me on tv and asked for a photo. Anyway, the escalator at that new resort is pretty damn long. Similar in length to the ones in our city loop train stations. As I was going down the escalator, I saw a group of 20 Miss Phillipines contestants coming up the other way to their pageant hall. One by one from a distance, they all started waving at me. Woah, I've really hit the big time, I thought. So i started waving back and my waving got faster as i saw up close how insanely hot these women were. Bearing in mind how long this escalator was, just as the first girl was about to reach me the penny ******* dropped. They weren't waving at me. They were waving at the movie star 2 steps behind me. I tried to salvage what little i could from the situation by going the obvious route of brushing the hair. Lol. But ofc I was fooling no one. One by one I passed each girl, a couple of them even looked me in the eye and gave me a charitable wave, while, by this stage and in my mortified stupor i had resorted to using both hands frantically, clinging to some misguided hope that some shred of shame could be averted. And it wasn't like i had long or mid length locks to brush. I had a crewcut ffs. Those 2 hands were better off on my face and i should have sprinted down those escalators once the jig was up.

And just like that my 'celebrity' days we're over. Well, I didn't wave at any random ppl anymore, at least not until I've looked behind me.

Ah sorry guys I've gone on and on again. I wanted some context there so you have a better understanding when I talk about my anxieties, why i knowingly let myself get taken advantage of, the self destructive behaviour, why the closest I came to ending my life was actually at the peak of my career, lots of other things.

Also, i didnt read or reply after my first post cos i just needed a few days off after getting that story down. Im happy to answer questions if anyone has some. Will definitely get part 3 up asap.
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
It's taken awhile for me to get round to this. In the days after my initial post I probably tried at least 10 times to follow on with my story. Some attempts were a few sentences, others were 10 paragraphs long, before I decided to delete them completely. Reason being, it'll be quite easy for veterans in my industry to identify who i am based on what I'm revealing(obv the chances of them reading this are slim at best). But still, I'm not ready to go public yet, especially given the nature of my industry. So im trying my best to maintain some plausible deniability by being vague on some minor things. (wont work ofc but hey, if it eases my mind. Lol.)

Anyway, after Mandy's passing I lived my next 18 months in a complete daze. I had 2 simple papers to turn in to finish up my professional accreditation, not to mention all the interviews with big city firms I had lined up. But I just didn't bother. I kept to myself at home, taking comfort in reading books and overeating. Within 6 months my weight ballooned 25kg, from 64 to 89kg. I'm only 5.6 so that was a massive gain by anyone's standards. To get by financially, i did some retail work and i drove a cab at night when required.

One day, I bumped into an old uni mate and he invited me to his house to play a poker home game. I'd been avoiding my uni friends for nearly 2 years, hadn't answered calls, replied messages, I suppose I was just wallowing in my own grief. And I was also ashamed of my enormous weight gain and my failure to pursue a professional career in the city. He basically had to drag me to his house, I guess he knew if he took his eyes off me I'd slink right back to my self induced life of solitude.

Well, ive got no regrets(and I thanked him for it) cos for some crazy and inexplicable reason, poker just came natural to me. I've always been fast at calculating numbers in my head and combined with my ability to read people, it wasn't long before I started making decent money. I was passionate about learning all I could about the game so i spent hundreds if not many thousands of hours reading books, watching videos, reviewing hands, chatting on the poker forums to improve my game, etc.

In that first year I spent 3800 hrs at crown. Games were small back then which was great for me bcos it meant I stuck to the same stakes, put in the hours and learnt the game properly. Gradually, i started playing more poker online rather than live at crown. Reason being you can only play one table in person but online it's up to you how many you think you can handle, or want to handle. I started playing 2 tables online then kept adding more as i got more confident. At my peak I was playing 24 tables which i had to split into 4 monitors. My anxiety and ocd came in handy after all..

A year after that, I made the move to Asia. Poker had just launched there and i had to be there to maximise my income.

Before I go on I just want to stress that I am in no way advocating ppl take up poker as an easy source of income. 15 years ago, hardly anyone knew how to play. And even back then, only 4% of players were winning players. These days I believe that number has dropped to 2%. I've trained and coached nearly 100 players in the last 15 yrs and my advice to all but 2 of them, was to get a proper job and treat the game like a hobby.

I've rambled on again. Could seriously write a book on everything I've seen on the poker tables and in the asian gambling industry. One day..

Back to point, I was living a good life, travelling the world, staying in 5 star hotels, making decent money, and due to my success I had a pretty decent profile in the asian countries. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had a footy player type profile. Maybe 1% of that. lol. Most of it was due to a couple of tournaments which id done alright in, being replayed on espn Asia. Still, I must admit i did get a buzz out of being recognised, getting asked for autographs and photos, like some z grade celeb.

Funny story, at the height of my mini 'stardom' I was in Manila for a tournament and it was the opening of their 1st poker room. I probably had a dozen Filipinos who'd seen me on tv and asked for a photo. Anyway, the escalator at that new resort is pretty damn long. Similar in length to the ones in our city loop train stations. As I was going down the escalator, I saw a group of 20 Miss Phillipines contestants coming up the other way to their pageant hall. One by one from a distance, they all started waving at me. Woah, I've really hit the big time, I thought. So i started waving back and my waving got faster as i saw up close how insanely hot these women were. Bearing in mind how long this escalator was, just as the first girl was about to reach me the penny ******* dropped. They weren't waving at me. They were waving at the movie star 2 steps behind me. I tried to salvage what little i could from the situation by going the obvious route of brushing the hair. Lol. But ofc I was fooling no one. One by one I passed each girl, a couple of them even looked me in the eye and gave me a charitable wave, while, by this stage and in my mortified stupor i had resorted to using both hands frantically, clinging to some misguided hope that some shred of shame could be averted. And it wasn't like i had long or mid length locks to brush. I had a crewcut ffs. Those 2 hands were better off on my face and i should have sprinted down those escalators once the jig was up.

And just like that my 'celebrity' days we're over. Well, I didn't wave at any random ppl anymore, at least not until I've looked behind me.

Ah sorry guys I've gone on and on again. I wanted some context there so you have a better understanding when I talk about my anxieties, why i knowingly let myself get taken advantage of, the self destructive behaviour, why the closest I came to ending my life was actually at the peak of my career, lots of other things.

Also, i didnt read or reply after my first post cos i just needed a few days off after getting that story down. Im happy to answer questions if anyone has some. Will definitely get part 3 up asap.
I’m really enjoying your posts mate, please keep them coming. I had some incredibly good things happen when I faced this insidious illness. People can and do turn their lives around.
 

George

Moderator
Aug 17, 2015
16,289
53,805
Victoria
AFL Club
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It's taken awhile for me to get round to this. In the days after my initial post I probably tried at least 10 times to follow on with my story. Some attempts were a few sentences, others were 10 paragraphs long, before I decided to delete them completely. Reason being, it'll be quite easy for veterans in my industry to identify who i am based on what I'm revealing(obv the chances of them reading this are slim at best). But still, I'm not ready to go public yet, especially given the nature of my industry. So im trying my best to maintain some plausible deniability by being vague on some minor things. (wont work ofc but hey, if it eases my mind. Lol.)

Anyway, after Mandy's passing I lived my next 18 months in a complete daze. I had 2 simple papers to turn in to finish up my professional accreditation, not to mention all the interviews with big city firms I had lined up. But I just didn't bother. I kept to myself at home, taking comfort in reading books and overeating. Within 6 months my weight ballooned 25kg, from 64 to 89kg. I'm only 5.6 so that was a massive gain by anyone's standards. To get by financially, i did some retail work and i drove a cab at night when required.

One day, I bumped into an old uni mate and he invited me to his house to play a poker home game. I'd been avoiding my uni friends for nearly 2 years, hadn't answered calls, replied messages, I suppose I was just wallowing in my own grief. And I was also ashamed of my enormous weight gain and my failure to pursue a professional career in the city. He basically had to drag me to his house, I guess he knew if he took his eyes off me I'd slink right back to my self induced life of solitude.

Well, ive got no regrets(and I thanked him for it) cos for some crazy and inexplicable reason, poker just came natural to me. I've always been fast at calculating numbers in my head and combined with my ability to read people, it wasn't long before I started making decent money. I was passionate about learning all I could about the game so i spent hundreds if not many thousands of hours reading books, watching videos, reviewing hands, chatting on the poker forums to improve my game, etc.

In that first year I spent 3800 hrs at crown. Games were small back then which was great for me bcos it meant I stuck to the same stakes, put in the hours and learnt the game properly. Gradually, i started playing more poker online rather than live at crown. Reason being you can only play one table in person but online it's up to you how many you think you can handle, or want to handle. I started playing 2 tables online then kept adding more as i got more confident. At my peak I was playing 24 tables which i had to split into 4 monitors. My anxiety and ocd came in handy after all..

A year after that, I made the move to Asia. Poker had just launched there and i had to be there to maximise my income.

Before I go on I just want to stress that I am in no way advocating ppl take up poker as an easy source of income. 15 years ago, hardly anyone knew how to play. And even back then, only 4% of players were winning players. These days I believe that number has dropped to 2%. I've trained and coached nearly 100 players in the last 15 yrs and my advice to all but 2 of them, was to get a proper job and treat the game like a hobby.

I've rambled on again. Could seriously write a book on everything I've seen on the poker tables and in the asian gambling industry. One day..

Back to point, I was living a good life, travelling the world, staying in 5 star hotels, making decent money, and due to my success I had a pretty decent profile in the asian countries. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had a footy player type profile. Maybe 1% of that. lol. Most of it was due to a couple of tournaments which id done alright in, being replayed on espn Asia. Still, I must admit i did get a buzz out of being recognised, getting asked for autographs and photos, like some z grade celeb.

Funny story, at the height of my mini 'stardom' I was in Manila for a tournament and it was the opening of their 1st poker room. I probably had a dozen Filipinos who'd seen me on tv and asked for a photo. Anyway, the escalator at that new resort is pretty damn long. Similar in length to the ones in our city loop train stations. As I was going down the escalator, I saw a group of 20 Miss Phillipines contestants coming up the other way to their pageant hall. One by one from a distance, they all started waving at me. Woah, I've really hit the big time, I thought. So i started waving back and my waving got faster as i saw up close how insanely hot these women were. Bearing in mind how long this escalator was, just as the first girl was about to reach me the penny ******* dropped. They weren't waving at me. They were waving at the movie star 2 steps behind me. I tried to salvage what little i could from the situation by going the obvious route of brushing the hair. Lol. But ofc I was fooling no one. One by one I passed each girl, a couple of them even looked me in the eye and gave me a charitable wave, while, by this stage and in my mortified stupor i had resorted to using both hands frantically, clinging to some misguided hope that some shred of shame could be averted. And it wasn't like i had long or mid length locks to brush. I had a crewcut ffs. Those 2 hands were better off on my face and i should have sprinted down those escalators once the jig was up.

And just like that my 'celebrity' days we're over. Well, I didn't wave at any random ppl anymore, at least not until I've looked behind me.

Ah sorry guys I've gone on and on again. I wanted some context there so you have a better understanding when I talk about my anxieties, why i knowingly let myself get taken advantage of, the self destructive behaviour, why the closest I came to ending my life was actually at the peak of my career, lots of other things.

Also, i didnt read or reply after my first post cos i just needed a few days off after getting that story down. Im happy to answer questions if anyone has some. Will definitely get part 3 up asap.
Well done mate :thumbsu:

It's great to see so many men openly express themselves and their struggles through this thread.
 

Jughead77

Premium Platinum
Sep 25, 2017
664
5,312
AFL Club
St Kilda
I’m really enjoying your posts mate, please keep them coming. I had some incredibly good things happen when I faced this insidious illness. People can and do turn their lives around.
Cheers mate. Thx for the encouragement. I've known for a long, long time what my mental health issues are. But what i struggle with is trying to find a purpose in my life. A reason to keep going.

I'm lucky in that I have close friends and family who will always have my back. But they dont understand my depression, I guess in the asian culture we're still decades behind the level of tolerance and understanding we now have in Australia.

And I really feel a lot of guilt when I see what others are going through. Cos I know I'm luckier than so many other ppl. I know I'm loved. When I see sick ppl struggling with terminal illness I feel even more useless bcos im not appreciating life. Ofc I do know that my thoughts are not rational and i have improved a lot in this area through different mindfulness techniques. But once in a while it does rear its ugly head.

See I know exactly what I need to do to get better and how to do it. But I lack the willpower bcos i hate myself. It's just been a neverending cycle for me. However i will say im determined to break it.

Also, what i will say is, having you guys around and knowing im not alone as a miserable saints fan when our team disappoints again and again, it's actually very comforting. I view us as some type of weird fellowship of the perpetually frustrated. lolz. Seriously though, the kinship created here has been fantastic. I do know I'm making progress and im getting better. Heck, just posting here is a big step for me. So thx again fellas.

Well this was a unscheduled post, meant to be a 3 line reply to St Muir. Hahaha. Anyway, I'll post again soon and continue from where i left off in post 2.
 

Brains Trust66

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 31, 2016
7,500
11,331
Victoria
AFL Club
St Kilda
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Depression never goes away . I have talked about my ongoing struggles on other threads on this site . To be honest i do feel myself drifting back down again . A couple times this week ive almost rung Lifeline but i have a fear of telephones which doesnt help . I have so many health issues at the moment but nothing as serious as other people but it adds up especially when you already have mental health problems . My fear is that im only one more issue from pushing myself over the edge for the final time . I have tried three times in the past to finish it but failed , i dont like my chances of failing a fourth time .
Every day is a battle just to keep living .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
 

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Keg on legs

Premium Gold
Oct 5, 2014
15,487
53,691
The beer fridge
AFL Club
St Kilda
Depression never goes away . I have talked about my ongoing struggles on other threads on this site . To be honest i do feel myself drifting back down again . A couple times this week ive almost rung Lifeline but i have a fear of telephones which doesnt help . I have so many health issues at the moment but nothing as serious as other people but it adds up especially when you already have mental health problems . My fear is that im only one more issue from pushing myself over the edge for the final time . I have tried three times in the past to finish it but failed , i dont like my chances of failing a fourth time .
Every day is a battle just to keep living .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
Please reach out mate. Whether it is here or to a service. You know yourself better than anyone. Please listen to your warning signs.

I'm happy to do anything i can to help. Please just ask. You're an amazing guy, let us all help you through this tough time
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
Depression never goes away . I have talked about my ongoing struggles on other threads on this site . To be honest i do feel myself drifting back down again . A couple times this week ive almost rung Lifeline but i have a fear of telephones which doesnt help . I have so many health issues at the moment but nothing as serious as other people but it adds up especially when you already have mental health problems . My fear is that im only one more issue from pushing myself over the edge for the final time . I have tried three times in the past to finish it but failed , i dont like my chances of failing a fourth time .
Every day is a battle just to keep living .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
I’ve got huge admiration for you BT. It would be so difficult to post that. It takes courage to admit you’re struggling and you’ve done that. Even if it’s just for the people here who’s respect you’ve earned, please take the next step and get along to the doctors and get extra help to see you through.
I’ll be thinking of you mate. Like Kegs, I’m here for you.
 

George

Moderator
Aug 17, 2015
16,289
53,805
Victoria
AFL Club
St Kilda
Other Teams
Philadelphia Eagles Liverpool
Depression never goes away . I have talked about my ongoing struggles on other threads on this site . To be honest i do feel myself drifting back down again . A couple times this week ive almost rung Lifeline but i have a fear of telephones which doesnt help . I have so many health issues at the moment but nothing as serious as other people but it adds up especially when you already have mental health problems . My fear is that im only one more issue from pushing myself over the edge for the final time . I have tried three times in the past to finish it but failed , i dont like my chances of failing a fourth time .
Every day is a battle just to keep living .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
Hope the podcasts offer some small relief, mate :)
 

Brains Trust66

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 31, 2016
7,500
11,331
Victoria
AFL Club
St Kilda
Other Teams
Liverpool
This is a little off track but i thought i would list my 5 go to albums when im feeling depressed . These arent albums to make you happy but just to let you feel you arent alone . Some people might think these records will bring you down further but i disagree , when im really down i need music i can relate to. I dont know how other people feel but its how i feel .
So here we go . In no particular order -

The Cure - Faith
Joy Division - Closer
David Sylvian - Secrets Of The Beehive
Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - The Boatman’s Call
Sigur Ros - Agaetis Byrjun .

Those albums have been getting a work over recently .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
This is a little off track but i thought i would list my 5 go to albums when im feeling depressed . These arent albums to make you happy but just to let you feel you arent alone . Some people might think these records will bring you down further but i disagree , when im really down i need music i can relate to. I dont know how other people feel but its how i feel .
So here we go . In no particular order -

The Cure - Faith
Joy Division - Closer
David Sylvian - Secrets Of The Beehive
Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds - The Boatman’s Call
Sigur Ros - Agaetis Byrjun .

Those albums have been getting a work over recently .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
That’s interesting BT. Years ago I read something about certain beats or rhythms making you feel stronger and others making you weaker. I can’t remember the details but the Beatles was the former and jazz and even ABBA was the latter. I’d imagine the meaning of the song to an individual would effect that though or even over-ride it.
I find anything with a rock n roll beat really useful to sing along with or dance to (preferably inflicting neither on others) really useful for anxiety/stress.
With depression, it’s far more random for me. Sometimes a particular song will help, then at other times it will be toxic. Of the two, I find depression far more difficult and inconsistent. I have noticed anxiety always precedes depression in my case, so I try to get on top of that before the coin flips.
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
Depression never goes away . I have talked about my ongoing struggles on other threads on this site . To be honest i do feel myself drifting back down again . A couple times this week ive almost rung Lifeline but i have a fear of telephones which doesnt help . I have so many health issues at the moment but nothing as serious as other people but it adds up especially when you already have mental health problems . My fear is that im only one more issue from pushing myself over the edge for the final time . I have tried three times in the past to finish it but failed , i dont like my chances of failing a fourth time .
Every day is a battle just to keep living .


On iPad using BigFooty.com mobile app
Hey BT, just wondering if you check your PM's? I think someone is trying to get in touch.
 

BlacreJacks

Cancelled
Oct 4, 2014
2,706
7,957
AFL Club
St Kilda
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but shit happens if its not.

The past 15 years have been an ongoing battle, struggling with the breakdown of your parents marriage (blamed on you), followed by the loss of your two mentors in life - my mother and my grandfather - all within a year. They say time heals all wounds but you never fully recover, there have been plenty of moments when I've wanted to 'join them'.

I have suffered anxiety for as long as I remember- it started off because I played elite sport - ironic really isn't it? You put things in place to help get through each day but often that isn't enough and it gets on top of you. I have had the toughest 2 years of my life, leaving an abusive marriage and dealing with the subsequent lies, isolation, custody issues, judgement and more abuse than I'd ever experienced in my marriage. There are no signs of it letting up.

Yesterday was one of those days, its not the first time that I have let the perceived pressure of the trade period affect me. Its such a build up, months on end expecting or hoping for a good outcome, listening to others bag your club then laughing in your face when it inevitably come to fruition. Anxiety tends to make us forget the big picture, to focus on the little things that are out of our control, for those ITK words like 'catastrophising' and 'what if thinking' come to mind. The worst thing anyone can ever do in my experience is be told they need help. It sounds absurd, but it just comes off as 'you need help' and I don't want to be the one to give it to you. 99 times out of 100, all I've ever wanted was an ear, a hug, a whisky, acknowledgement or simply someone to hang out with. Noone needs solutions, answers or professional advice from your mates, but everyone needs mates or family to support or listen.

Like many supporters, I become so heavily invested in the Saints. So yesterday was probably the tip of the iceberg, it broke my heart and if ever you could say the straw broke the camels back it was yesterday. Once that spiral starts, its hard to stop it, some days its hard to see the positives when all your brain is telling you to do is see negatives - yes, the sky was crashing down in my world as impossible as it is to fathom.

I find it ironic that we have this thread in here, but are still told to get a grip or laughed at when we are clearly struggling on a forum. I have always tried to give a fair bit to this forum when I've gone to training sessions or practice matches, given little tidbits where I can. I guess others probably don't realise that there are actually real people with real problems on this forum as well - its easy to treat others with disdain and a lack of respect when its the interwebs.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that being part of this forum is not a healthy place for me to be anymore, if ever you see others not going so well - just be there, support isn't anything other than just being there - never forget that. I've put in a request to have my account deleted, and hopefully one day I can find my peace in this world.
 

Keg on legs

Premium Gold
Oct 5, 2014
15,487
53,691
The beer fridge
AFL Club
St Kilda
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but shit happens if its not.

The past 15 years have been an ongoing battle, struggling with the breakdown of your parents marriage (blamed on you), followed by the loss of your two mentors in life - my mother and my grandfather - all within a year. They say time heals all wounds but you never fully recover, there have been plenty of moments when I've wanted to 'join them'.

I have suffered anxiety for as long as I remember- it started off because I played elite sport - ironic really isn't it? You put things in place to help get through each day but often that isn't enough and it gets on top of you. I have had the toughest 2 years of my life, leaving an abusive marriage and dealing with the subsequent lies, isolation, custody issues, judgement and more abuse than I'd ever experienced in my marriage. There are no signs of it letting up.

Yesterday was one of those days, its not the first time that I have let the perceived pressure of the trade period affect me. Its such a build up, months on end expecting or hoping for a good outcome, listening to others bag your club then laughing in your face when it inevitably come to fruition. Anxiety tends to make us forget the big picture, to focus on the little things that are out of our control, for those ITK words like 'catastrophising' and 'what if thinking' come to mind. The worst thing anyone can ever do in my experience is be told they need help. It sounds absurd, but it just comes off as 'you need help' and I don't want to be the one to give it to you. 99 times out of 100, all I've ever wanted was an ear, a hug, a whisky, acknowledgement or simply someone to hang out with. Noone needs solutions, answers or professional advice from your mates, but everyone needs mates or family to support or listen.

Like many supporters, I become so heavily invested in the Saints. So yesterday was probably the tip of the iceberg, it broke my heart and if ever you could say the straw broke the camels back it was yesterday. Once that spiral starts, its hard to stop it, some days its hard to see the positives when all your brain is telling you to do is see negatives - yes, the sky was crashing down in my world as impossible as it is to fathom.

I find it ironic that we have this thread in here, but are still told to get a grip or laughed at when we are clearly struggling on a forum. I have always tried to give a fair bit to this forum when I've gone to training sessions or practice matches, given little tidbits where I can. I guess others probably don't realise that there are actually real people with real problems on this forum as well - its easy to treat others with disdain and a lack of respect when its the interwebs.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that being part of this forum is not a healthy place for me to be anymore, if ever you see others not going so well - just be there, support isn't anything other than just being there - never forget that. I've put in a request to have my account deleted, and hopefully one day I can find my peace in this world.
Jesus mate. I hope you're ok. I also hope everyone reads this and takes in what you're saying.

If being away is what you need, then I hope you find your peace. But also know you're always welcome back here.

Good luck mate. PM me any time. If I can help in any way, i will.
 

St Muir

All Australian
Oct 18, 2018
644
2,403
AFL Club
St Kilda
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but shit happens if its not.

The past 15 years have been an ongoing battle, struggling with the breakdown of your parents marriage (blamed on you), followed by the loss of your two mentors in life - my mother and my grandfather - all within a year. They say time heals all wounds but you never fully recover, there have been plenty of moments when I've wanted to 'join them'.

I have suffered anxiety for as long as I remember- it started off because I played elite sport - ironic really isn't it? You put things in place to help get through each day but often that isn't enough and it gets on top of you. I have had the toughest 2 years of my life, leaving an abusive marriage and dealing with the subsequent lies, isolation, custody issues, judgement and more abuse than I'd ever experienced in my marriage. There are no signs of it letting up.

Yesterday was one of those days, its not the first time that I have let the perceived pressure of the trade period affect me. Its such a build up, months on end expecting or hoping for a good outcome, listening to others bag your club then laughing in your face when it inevitably come to fruition. Anxiety tends to make us forget the big picture, to focus on the little things that are out of our control, for those ITK words like 'catastrophising' and 'what if thinking' come to mind. The worst thing anyone can ever do in my experience is be told they need help. It sounds absurd, but it just comes off as 'you need help' and I don't want to be the one to give it to you. 99 times out of 100, all I've ever wanted was an ear, a hug, a whisky, acknowledgement or simply someone to hang out with. Noone needs solutions, answers or professional advice from your mates, but everyone needs mates or family to support or listen.

Like many supporters, I become so heavily invested in the Saints. So yesterday was probably the tip of the iceberg, it broke my heart and if ever you could say the straw broke the camels back it was yesterday. Once that spiral starts, its hard to stop it, some days its hard to see the positives when all your brain is telling you to do is see negatives - yes, the sky was crashing down in my world as impossible as it is to fathom.

I find it ironic that we have this thread in here, but are still told to get a grip or laughed at when we are clearly struggling on a forum. I have always tried to give a fair bit to this forum when I've gone to training sessions or practice matches, given little tidbits where I can. I guess others probably don't realise that there are actually real people with real problems on this forum as well - its easy to treat others with disdain and a lack of respect when its the interwebs.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that being part of this forum is not a healthy place for me to be anymore, if ever you see others not going so well - just be there, support isn't anything other than just being there - never forget that. I've put in a request to have my account deleted, and hopefully one day I can find my peace in this world.
I agree, the support on this thread in comparison to the relative 'savagery' on a couple of the others is very stark! Strong support of any sporting team is quite irrational when you think of it but supporters of the same team turning on one another (often over shit that really doesn't matter) is a whole other level of weird.
I enjoyed your posts & I really hope you change your mind. I know a few others opted to take a break when it all became too consuming. I backed off a bit when I was getting really ****** off with a poster. I know nothing about them but started to build up a whole picture that may well have been completely wrong & unfair. Backing off a bit & a couple of posts on here helped me get a new perspective.
Your advice is really sound mate & I will follow it.
 

allrighty

Premium Gold
Jun 5, 2007
7,055
10,291
FMD4U
AFL Club
Geelong
I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but shit happens if its not.

The past 15 years have been an ongoing battle, struggling with the breakdown of your parents marriage (blamed on you), followed by the loss of your two mentors in life - my mother and my grandfather - all within a year. They say time heals all wounds but you never fully recover, there have been plenty of moments when I've wanted to 'join them'.

I have suffered anxiety for as long as I remember- it started off because I played elite sport - ironic really isn't it? You put things in place to help get through each day but often that isn't enough and it gets on top of you. I have had the toughest 2 years of my life, leaving an abusive marriage and dealing with the subsequent lies, isolation, custody issues, judgement and more abuse than I'd ever experienced in my marriage. There are no signs of it letting up.

Yesterday was one of those days, its not the first time that I have let the perceived pressure of the trade period affect me. Its such a build up, months on end expecting or hoping for a good outcome, listening to others bag your club then laughing in your face when it inevitably come to fruition. Anxiety tends to make us forget the big picture, to focus on the little things that are out of our control, for those ITK words like 'catastrophising' and 'what if thinking' come to mind. The worst thing anyone can ever do in my experience is be told they need help. It sounds absurd, but it just comes off as 'you need help' and I don't want to be the one to give it to you. 99 times out of 100, all I've ever wanted was an ear, a hug, a whisky, acknowledgement or simply someone to hang out with. Noone needs solutions, answers or professional advice from your mates, but everyone needs mates or family to support or listen.

Like many supporters, I become so heavily invested in the Saints. So yesterday was probably the tip of the iceberg, it broke my heart and if ever you could say the straw broke the camels back it was yesterday. Once that spiral starts, its hard to stop it, some days its hard to see the positives when all your brain is telling you to do is see negatives - yes, the sky was crashing down in my world as impossible as it is to fathom.

I find it ironic that we have this thread in here, but are still told to get a grip or laughed at when we are clearly struggling on a forum. I have always tried to give a fair bit to this forum when I've gone to training sessions or practice matches, given little tidbits where I can. I guess others probably don't realise that there are actually real people with real problems on this forum as well - its easy to treat others with disdain and a lack of respect when its the interwebs.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that being part of this forum is not a healthy place for me to be anymore, if ever you see others not going so well - just be there, support isn't anything other than just being there - never forget that. I've put in a request to have my account deleted, and hopefully one day I can find my peace in this world.
Mate I divorced 3 years ago and have experienced all of the abuse and shit since. My grown up kids don't talk to me. You're not alone buddy. As for the forums hang in and treat the abusers as the *******s they often are. Ignore if you can.
 

allrighty

Premium Gold
Jun 5, 2007
7,055
10,291
FMD4U
AFL Club
Geelong
I agree, the support on this thread in comparison to the relative 'savagery' on a couple of the others is very stark! Strong support of any sporting team is quite irrational when you think of it but supporters of the same team turning on one another (often over shit that really doesn't matter) is a whole other level of weird.
I enjoyed your posts & I really hope you change your mind. I know a few others opted to take a break when it all became too consuming. I backed off a bit when I was getting really ****** off with a poster. I know nothing about them but started to build up a whole picture that may well have been completely wrong & unfair. Backing off a bit & a couple of posts on here helped me get a new perspective.
Your advice is really sound mate & I will follow it.
I have noted to a few people offline the great support here but also the irony that often on other threads it's a total shitfight. My conclusion is that the big stuff (like on here) matters most to those who matter most. I treat the abusers with my own form of intelli-wit or simply ignore and put them in my own sin bin for good
 

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