JoshWoodenSpoon
Emergency Full Back
- Oct 16, 2013
- 22,810
- 55,020
- AFL Club
- West Coast
- Other Teams
- Freo & WC AFLW, Las Vegas Bears
Despite being unceremoniously dispatched from finals contention, my immense qootball mind still whirs and churns. Today I turn an appraising eye to the remaining competitors. With the who’s who of the SFA on show there’s a lot to be mindful of, and I hope to illustrate what might transpire in the upcoming finals campaign. Employing honed strategic inference and d e e p analytics, we will here see what each team has to offer in their foray towards the big dance. A comprehensive player-by-player assessment of each list will be presented, and I leave it to you savvy readers to compound of it what you will.
East Side Hawks
go you pups – Horrific.
Marklar_33 – Useless.
Keg on legs – Worth their weight in sand.
Milera2Betts – Quite embarrassing actually.
Eagling – Promising waterboy.
Egga – Pass.
Agent93 – Well in advance of their teammates. A feeble contributor.
Loonerty – Can’t kick. Can’t run.
tgrs – The prototypical modern turnstile.
Biggie – Good hip and shoulder. Shame none of the other stuff works.
BigJoeD_ - As natural a player as I’ve seen coming out of the lab-grown hamster qooty factory.
Brown Bottle – Quite certain they have never touched the ball.
larrikin – Just a heinous qootballer.
BRAB - A tragic stain on the league.
DapperJong – Flimsy and ineffective.
spookism – Hard to imagine a worse player.
brahj – But I did.
The Filth Wizard - I’ve seen this guy kick an incredible goal. My shock was not misplaced.
Karnezis_13 – A truly multinational wholesaler of turnovers.
Mr Eagle – Slowly becoming one of my least favourite players to watch.
Gold City Royals
OES – His record-setting reaction time really helps to survive the furious fans.
Tommycash – After starting the game late, has really come on as a more-than-handy contributor. Has superb hands in tight and sees the game unfold around him with near-divine intuition. Is safe but not circumspect in their ball use and consistently finds the right option. Offers valuable grunt and defensive sensibilities. Cool under pressure and always one to stand up in a big way when it counts.
NTRabbit – Couldn’t hit the side of a barn door were they a second-dimensional being confined to that plane.
Bet on Blue – Has lost me a lot of money.
MWPP - Disturbingly bad.
Helfarch - One to look out for. Their kicks infamous for taking out wing-seated spectators.
Aramis - Needs to quit.
Thatsapaddlin - Hahahahahaha.
Footypie32 – Irregular performer. Performs badly.
Ulahoopski – Drops it as if it were hot.
CakeEater – Hack.
GreyCrow – Has credits in the bank, but the bank has moved offshore and embezzled them.
burningdwarf Good depth. Remains philosophical on their continued failure.
Blacky – About the worst you could hope for.
Red mist – Horrid.
Willo_ - On his day can offer something. Needs to install a calendar app.
pantskyle – It’s a no from me.
Jackie_Chiles – Ausqick standard.
Dirty Bird – Puny and weak.
Bipolarbear – Just sickening.
Mount Buller Demons
lanky_wes – Poster child for Won’t Win Weekly.
Van_Dyke – Highly respected at the club as someone who never gives in, no matter how many times the ball misses the boot for the kick-in.
brucetiki - Needs to spend an off-season working out how to get out of the league.
Elton Johns Wig – Was disappointed when I frist saw them play. Am accustomed to it now.
Smartys Power – Tough envisioning what worse qootball looks like.
sausageroll – Nowhere near it.
fancyscum – Needs to improve their work without the ball, and also to make sure they never get it.
Yakker – Can’t kick.
Headless – Went to the Yakker School of Kicking.
roo2macca – Graduated with first class honours from the Yakker School of Kicking.
RodneyDangerfield – Contender for least valuable player.
sante – Should give up while they are able to pretend we can end this sentence nicely.
deaneus – Chokes in big, small and medium-sized moments.
cats2rise – Could be replaced with a house plant.
Freo Hammer 21 – Inside and outside, a failure.
Oddhawk – Not many players are rubbish for this long.
cooney – Booooooootless.
DemonJim – Often seen inspiring teammates to collapse in despair.
Wally Walpamur – Ruthless in their apparent want to squander success.
Grandsun – Far from the worst qooty player- usually because he can’t keep up with them.
West Coast Wonders
PVF – Total dunce.
ClarkeM – Reads the play like he writes the record books. Not at all.
dogs105 – Never shares the ball and then loses it.
BallaratBulldog – Has the hands of a God, endlessly shoving them into qootball misery.
SSwans2011 – They just throw it every time not really sure what’s going on.
OutofTownCrow – Has really plied their craft as a butcher.
MKMatty – Not afraid to get his hands dirty, which is fortunate because everything he touches turns to s**t.
NickCC – Abysmal.
D_P_S – Inaugurated intentional fouling.
Bucking Beads – Makes those around him look better on account of the fact that they are.
haydo23 – Concedes scores at an unthinkable rate.
BlueMaster1 – Someone really needs to teach this one how to tie their shoelaces.
JT_the_Man – Cute to watch, totally defunct.
croweater 41 – Offers literally nothing. A veritable star for the Wonders.
SweetD – Consistently atrocious.
Nakia – Has mistaken the benefits of hangers for clangers and struts around boasting confusingly.
WaLkEr_ThE_StAr – Has a huge, inadvertent future in slapstick.
nahnah – You need to pay me a LOT of money to watch this guy play.
William Wonka – Unassailably bad.
gym4life Can do anything, provided it doesn’t involve a qooty.
Dragons FFC
AmericanCrow – Flirts with worthlessness. Actually, just shows up and snogs it ungraciously.
vanders – Plain junk.
Jatz - Should apologise to all fans of the game.
Daniel1812 – Would be better suited to a game in which they had any remote amount of aptitude.
chefmeister – Would need to look towards life after their qootball career, if they had anything resembling a qootball career.
Determinant – Couldn’t find a pill in a nursing home, despite having the time in between games to do so.
Scorpus – Would be fun to watch if you liked prohibitive pain in your eyeballs.
Blaze Storm – Total ******* dumpster.
VSTone – Just a sad, sad qootballer.
Pie 4 Life – Needs to be investigated for match fixing.
Ljp86 – Well and truly expired.
Knifey Spoony – Really not any good.
A Swallow – Never going to make it.
Hatchy1992 – Not worth consideration.
iBeng - Couldn’t get on the park much this season. A huge step up from last year.
cammo6556 – 1/10
Hate – Decision making extremely suspect.
WFL – A certifiable dive.
Mooresome – Guaranteed to prohibit premiership acquisition.
The Half Back – It’s as if they have no back.
Baghdad Bombers
George – Watching him cover the ground makes me long for dial-up.
Citroin – Should be nailed to the bench.
beez – Threatens to change the game with their total aversion to winning.
UnitedWarrior93 – Yep heaps bad also.
HumanMeatball – Had to hit up the bathroom while qooty talent was being given out.
Daniel McL – Knows only one way- counterproductive.
LicoriceAllsorts - Disdainful to the skilled heritage of the league.
Tony Lynn 15 – Stick to serving drinks.
TheCoach16 – Unfathomably still in qootball circles.
iDon – Catastrophic component of the team.
ant555 – There’s no point in this guy.
PhenomenalV1 – Absolutely torches the qooty.
okeydoke7 – I think just a random ring-in from the crowd? Not sure.
BEEG – The best I’ve seen them play was when they were stretchered off halfway through the first.
Dawn to Dark – Very, very at home on the qootball field. Often caught napping.
KohPhi – Too bad for them, just as good on either side.
HaroLad – In the debate for worst of all time. Would lose the debate because he doesn’t contribute any points.
miggs – Has worse vision than the umps at Snow Dome.
Shermy – Dud.
billingsnumber – Just your average Bomber.
Fighting Furies
Stevi_Tigers – Decrepit on the field.
EvenExhale – Could have been anything. Is an abominable liability.
akkaps – One of the best kicks out on the full I’ve ever seen.
manangatang – Should walk out of the sport and turn the key. Hands probably not strong enough.
Helen Wheels – The only thing lower than their prospects is their kicking efficiency.
rfctigerarmy – Just give up.
Nuffers – Untidy, undisciplined, apparently not unplayable.
JackNah_8 – Needs a big preseason dismantling every aspect of their game.
3121 premiers – Still fumbles qooties.
Michaels – Spills positively everything.
Shadow Man – Does jack.
Tarkyn_24 – In a litigious predicament as their deserved contract is under minimum wage.
TJASTA – Turning circle of a straight line.
Wacky Tiger – Cleanest player in the league. Receives a bath every weekend.
_Cayz_ - Title of ‘also-ran’ out of reach.
This Is Anfield – I’ve never seen a player so prolific as this guy’s opponent.
Sterge – Was born to play qootball, died, and was reincarnated as a blobfish.
NaturalDisaster – Has no trouble finding the ball. It’s behind the opponent’s goals, just like every time.
tigland – Heckers bad.
Grockadoc – A travelling mint for candy-sellers.
Gumbies FFC
Dennis ClarkeM - Questionable in every way.
MattWriting – Club makes him buy a ticket.
manboob – Insurmountable non-achiever.
Bucketss – Outlook is not so good.
Noobz0r – GPS data in his name.
matty_boy08 – Nonentity.
GWBogan - A player almost as dull as devising 160 individualised critiques of fictional sportspeople.
StFly – Hits more bongs than targets.
06Premiers – Out-and-out buffoon.
2121 – Not worth mentioning.
Dadadadaaaaaa – Heaven help us if this guy can end up on a list.
sjohns12 – Destined to lose.
NSWCROW – A crumbling mess.
Quivorir – Doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.
Uncle_Leo – Outrageously incapable.
Fryer Tuck – Takes too many risks. Like approaching qooty with no semblance of ability.
Golumless – Maybe next time.
SM – Melts under pressure.
peterss – Has a case for a bottom-10 player of all-time.
winty – I quit.
Shapes up as a thrilling finals series. It’s anyone’s to win!
East Side Hawks
go you pups – Horrific.
Marklar_33 – Useless.
Keg on legs – Worth their weight in sand.
Milera2Betts – Quite embarrassing actually.
Eagling – Promising waterboy.
Egga – Pass.
Agent93 – Well in advance of their teammates. A feeble contributor.
Loonerty – Can’t kick. Can’t run.
tgrs – The prototypical modern turnstile.
Biggie – Good hip and shoulder. Shame none of the other stuff works.
BigJoeD_ - As natural a player as I’ve seen coming out of the lab-grown hamster qooty factory.
Brown Bottle – Quite certain they have never touched the ball.
larrikin – Just a heinous qootballer.
BRAB - A tragic stain on the league.
DapperJong – Flimsy and ineffective.
spookism – Hard to imagine a worse player.
brahj – But I did.
The Filth Wizard - I’ve seen this guy kick an incredible goal. My shock was not misplaced.
Karnezis_13 – A truly multinational wholesaler of turnovers.
Mr Eagle – Slowly becoming one of my least favourite players to watch.
Gold City Royals
OES – His record-setting reaction time really helps to survive the furious fans.
Tommycash – After starting the game late, has really come on as a more-than-handy contributor. Has superb hands in tight and sees the game unfold around him with near-divine intuition. Is safe but not circumspect in their ball use and consistently finds the right option. Offers valuable grunt and defensive sensibilities. Cool under pressure and always one to stand up in a big way when it counts.
NTRabbit – Couldn’t hit the side of a barn door were they a second-dimensional being confined to that plane.
Bet on Blue – Has lost me a lot of money.
MWPP - Disturbingly bad.
Helfarch - One to look out for. Their kicks infamous for taking out wing-seated spectators.
Aramis - Needs to quit.
Thatsapaddlin - Hahahahahaha.
Footypie32 – Irregular performer. Performs badly.
Ulahoopski – Drops it as if it were hot.
CakeEater – Hack.
GreyCrow – Has credits in the bank, but the bank has moved offshore and embezzled them.
burningdwarf Good depth. Remains philosophical on their continued failure.
Blacky – About the worst you could hope for.
Red mist – Horrid.
Willo_ - On his day can offer something. Needs to install a calendar app.
pantskyle – It’s a no from me.
Jackie_Chiles – Ausqick standard.
Dirty Bird – Puny and weak.
Bipolarbear – Just sickening.
Mount Buller Demons
lanky_wes – Poster child for Won’t Win Weekly.
Van_Dyke – Highly respected at the club as someone who never gives in, no matter how many times the ball misses the boot for the kick-in.
brucetiki - Needs to spend an off-season working out how to get out of the league.
Elton Johns Wig – Was disappointed when I frist saw them play. Am accustomed to it now.
Smartys Power – Tough envisioning what worse qootball looks like.
sausageroll – Nowhere near it.
fancyscum – Needs to improve their work without the ball, and also to make sure they never get it.
Yakker – Can’t kick.
Headless – Went to the Yakker School of Kicking.
roo2macca – Graduated with first class honours from the Yakker School of Kicking.
RodneyDangerfield – Contender for least valuable player.
sante – Should give up while they are able to pretend we can end this sentence nicely.
deaneus – Chokes in big, small and medium-sized moments.
cats2rise – Could be replaced with a house plant.
Freo Hammer 21 – Inside and outside, a failure.
Oddhawk – Not many players are rubbish for this long.
cooney – Booooooootless.
DemonJim – Often seen inspiring teammates to collapse in despair.
Wally Walpamur – Ruthless in their apparent want to squander success.
Grandsun – Far from the worst qooty player- usually because he can’t keep up with them.
West Coast Wonders
PVF – Total dunce.
ClarkeM – Reads the play like he writes the record books. Not at all.
dogs105 – Never shares the ball and then loses it.
BallaratBulldog – Has the hands of a God, endlessly shoving them into qootball misery.
SSwans2011 – They just throw it every time not really sure what’s going on.
OutofTownCrow – Has really plied their craft as a butcher.
MKMatty – Not afraid to get his hands dirty, which is fortunate because everything he touches turns to s**t.
NickCC – Abysmal.
D_P_S – Inaugurated intentional fouling.
Bucking Beads – Makes those around him look better on account of the fact that they are.
haydo23 – Concedes scores at an unthinkable rate.
BlueMaster1 – Someone really needs to teach this one how to tie their shoelaces.
JT_the_Man – Cute to watch, totally defunct.
croweater 41 – Offers literally nothing. A veritable star for the Wonders.
SweetD – Consistently atrocious.
Nakia – Has mistaken the benefits of hangers for clangers and struts around boasting confusingly.
WaLkEr_ThE_StAr – Has a huge, inadvertent future in slapstick.
nahnah – You need to pay me a LOT of money to watch this guy play.
William Wonka – Unassailably bad.
gym4life Can do anything, provided it doesn’t involve a qooty.
Dragons FFC
AmericanCrow – Flirts with worthlessness. Actually, just shows up and snogs it ungraciously.
vanders – Plain junk.
Jatz - Should apologise to all fans of the game.
Daniel1812 – Would be better suited to a game in which they had any remote amount of aptitude.
chefmeister – Would need to look towards life after their qootball career, if they had anything resembling a qootball career.
Determinant – Couldn’t find a pill in a nursing home, despite having the time in between games to do so.
Scorpus – Would be fun to watch if you liked prohibitive pain in your eyeballs.
Blaze Storm – Total ******* dumpster.
VSTone – Just a sad, sad qootballer.
Pie 4 Life – Needs to be investigated for match fixing.
Ljp86 – Well and truly expired.
Knifey Spoony – Really not any good.
A Swallow – Never going to make it.
Hatchy1992 – Not worth consideration.
iBeng - Couldn’t get on the park much this season. A huge step up from last year.
cammo6556 – 1/10
Hate – Decision making extremely suspect.
WFL – A certifiable dive.
Mooresome – Guaranteed to prohibit premiership acquisition.
The Half Back – It’s as if they have no back.
Baghdad Bombers
George – Watching him cover the ground makes me long for dial-up.
Citroin – Should be nailed to the bench.
beez – Threatens to change the game with their total aversion to winning.
UnitedWarrior93 – Yep heaps bad also.
HumanMeatball – Had to hit up the bathroom while qooty talent was being given out.
Daniel McL – Knows only one way- counterproductive.
LicoriceAllsorts - Disdainful to the skilled heritage of the league.
Tony Lynn 15 – Stick to serving drinks.
TheCoach16 – Unfathomably still in qootball circles.
iDon – Catastrophic component of the team.
ant555 – There’s no point in this guy.
PhenomenalV1 – Absolutely torches the qooty.
okeydoke7 – I think just a random ring-in from the crowd? Not sure.
BEEG – The best I’ve seen them play was when they were stretchered off halfway through the first.
Dawn to Dark – Very, very at home on the qootball field. Often caught napping.
KohPhi – Too bad for them, just as good on either side.
HaroLad – In the debate for worst of all time. Would lose the debate because he doesn’t contribute any points.
miggs – Has worse vision than the umps at Snow Dome.
Shermy – Dud.
billingsnumber – Just your average Bomber.
Fighting Furies
Stevi_Tigers – Decrepit on the field.
EvenExhale – Could have been anything. Is an abominable liability.
akkaps – One of the best kicks out on the full I’ve ever seen.
manangatang – Should walk out of the sport and turn the key. Hands probably not strong enough.
Helen Wheels – The only thing lower than their prospects is their kicking efficiency.
rfctigerarmy – Just give up.
Nuffers – Untidy, undisciplined, apparently not unplayable.
JackNah_8 – Needs a big preseason dismantling every aspect of their game.
3121 premiers – Still fumbles qooties.
Michaels – Spills positively everything.
Shadow Man – Does jack.
Tarkyn_24 – In a litigious predicament as their deserved contract is under minimum wage.
TJASTA – Turning circle of a straight line.
Wacky Tiger – Cleanest player in the league. Receives a bath every weekend.
_Cayz_ - Title of ‘also-ran’ out of reach.
This Is Anfield – I’ve never seen a player so prolific as this guy’s opponent.
Sterge – Was born to play qootball, died, and was reincarnated as a blobfish.
NaturalDisaster – Has no trouble finding the ball. It’s behind the opponent’s goals, just like every time.
tigland – Heckers bad.
Grockadoc – A travelling mint for candy-sellers.
Gumbies FFC
Dennis ClarkeM - Questionable in every way.
MattWriting – Club makes him buy a ticket.
manboob – Insurmountable non-achiever.
Bucketss – Outlook is not so good.
Noobz0r – GPS data in his name.
matty_boy08 – Nonentity.
GWBogan - A player almost as dull as devising 160 individualised critiques of fictional sportspeople.
StFly – Hits more bongs than targets.
06Premiers – Out-and-out buffoon.
2121 – Not worth mentioning.
Dadadadaaaaaa – Heaven help us if this guy can end up on a list.
sjohns12 – Destined to lose.
NSWCROW – A crumbling mess.
Quivorir – Doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.
Uncle_Leo – Outrageously incapable.
Fryer Tuck – Takes too many risks. Like approaching qooty with no semblance of ability.
Golumless – Maybe next time.
SM – Melts under pressure.
peterss – Has a case for a bottom-10 player of all-time.
winty – I quit.
Shapes up as a thrilling finals series. It’s anyone’s to win!
