Unofficial SFA Fantasy Pig
- Nov 30, 2018
- AFL Club
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Hello everyone, and welcome to Optus Stadium for the comprehensive pre-match coverage of the Round 7 clash between the West Coast Eagles and the Fremantle Dockers. I’m your host Piggy Smalls and I will be bringing you a jam packed schedule this afternoon including pre-match entertainment, special insights from the Big Footy lab and some very special guests from the Big Footy community. So settle in with a beer (or Chardonnay), turn up your television set (or portable transistor radio) and get ready to laugh, cheer (or boo) and soak up some Sunday afternoon sun at this world class stadium.
Today’s match sees local favourites The West Coast Eagles hosting their bitter rivals and Optus co-tenants the Fremantle Dockers. On recent form this looms as an intriguing battle, with West Coast coming off an insipid 97 point belting and Fremantle having comfortably accounted for 18th placed North Melbourne at home. West Coast certainly have the wood over Fremantle in recent times but this young and impressive Dockers outfit will be liking their chances of turning their Western Derby fortunes around and claiming their first big scalp of the season.
Freo should be comfortable returning to the Sunday afternoon time slot after being briefly moved to Saturday night last weekend as the AFL continued to ensure that they didn’t get the chance to play their annual Len Hall game on the most significant day of the regular season footy calendar, Anzac Day. When asked about this during the week AFL CEO Gil McLachlan was reported to have replied ‘Les Who?’ and seemed only vaguely aware of the existence of a Fremantle team at all.
Joining me here at Optus we have Freo legend Matthew Pavlich down on the boundary and we will be heading to him very soon. We will also have our boffins from the Big Footy Lab bringing us all the hard hitting stats in just a few minutes’ time.
But for now it looks like our first guest is ready to join us. So without further ado, lets cross live to a basement in suburban Perth to get some words of wisdom from West Coast’s biggest supporter, a man whom we shall simply call “Mr Numeruno” to protect his identity.
We seem to have a problem with the video feed. Let’s see if we can fix that connection...
Yes here we go:
Thanks for joining us “Mr Numeruno”.
Today should be a hard-fought contest between two sides who have been tough to play against at this ground. West Coast go in as favourites but plenty of Fremantle supporters are confident of causing an upset. What are your thoughts?
today will be a sad and miserable failure for cockburn’
Well that certainly is a strong opinion. Do you have anything to say to the Fremantle supporters tipping an upset?
‘crawl back into your hole trolls’
Harsh words indeed! Any last insights you would like to add?
cuts back to Piggy in the BigFooty studio
Im terribly sorry “Mr Numeruno” but we need to cut you off there. We are now crossing back to the live coverage from Optus Stadium where a huge story is breaking! There seems to be a disorientated man on the stadium roof! Can we get a closer look with the overhead drone please cameraman?
Oh my! If it isn’t troubled West Coast champion Ben Cousins! Wow, this is incredible ! Now his image is being projected on the big screens at the ground for the West Coast supporters.
The West Coast faithful here are up on their feet giving a standing ovation to their hero. To all you kids watching at home, if you train hard and maintain extreme focus at all times you too can be a hero to your peers like Ben.
Oh here we go! The roar of the crowd has now turned to booing as three police offers arrive on the roof to apprehend Cousins. But it looks like they are no match for Ben as he easily evades them. Oh my these officers look like they’ve been called out straight from the drive though at McDonalds! The crowd are up on their feet as the gap between Ben and the police grows. Oh my, it looks like he might evade capture after a...
BOOM! Oh my god... Fremantle’s own guitar hero has just emerged from nowhere and tackled Ben Cousins to the ground! It looks like something has fallen out of Ben’s pocket. Guitar Hero has hastily grabbed the item from the floor and now the police have Ben in custody and Guitar Hero has disappeared again, no doubt warming up his fingers for his pre-game guitar solo.
And looks like it’s back to East Perth lockup for Cousins tonight.
Wowee! Well there certainly is a volatile atmosphere down at ground level. Incredible scenes indeed! Let’s now head down to the boundary where the great man Matthew Pavlich is standing by with our second guest of the day, Daniel from Western Australia. Over to you Pav.
‘Thanks Piggy. It’s great to be here with our special guest Daniel from Western Australia. Dan - what’s your tip for today?’
‘Thanks Matthew Average, great to be here. I’m expecting Failmantle to lose this game badly as they are poorly run club criminally mismanaged by Justin Longmanure, Peter Bellend and Dale Smallcock.’
‘Compelling stuff there Daniel. And very clever the way you changed our names into insults. You’ve certainly knocked me down a peg or two.
Anyway, that’s all from the boundary for now. Back to you in the studio Piggy’
Thanks Pav, great to have you with us. We will cross back to you soo...
‘Hey Pavvy, will you please autograph my Fremantle pyjamas? I’m a huge fan. I didn’t mean to call you names. I just really want people to like me.
Do you reckon there’s any chance you could get me access to meet the Freo players? I will pay you... I’ve got a huge soft spot for the Dockers. Always have...
Oh boy it seems like Daniel from Western Australia has forgotten to turn his microphone off. Well this certainly is awkward... he seems to be a very confused young man! Daniel if you can still hear me please know the team here at BigFooty wish you well in your journey of self discovery and hope you make peace with your true self soon.
Moving on now... We’re almost ready to head to the Big Footy Lab but before we do let’s open up the phone lines and hear from you, the people.
I believe we have a Harry Buddha on the line. He wants to talk about Nat Fyfe’s leadership. The line is yours Harry, fire away.
(Sounds suspiciously like Donny from Spearwood)
Umm yep hi, the line is yours. Fire away
‘I just came here to say that I think Nat Fyfe is a selfish and terrible leader’
Umm ok... elaborate if you could?
‘It’s his haircut. Look at it. What else really needs to be said?’
Well.. he’s a two time Brownlow Medalist who drags his team off the canvas time and time again. He’s carried half this team on his shoulders for the past 4 years. Wouldn’t that make him a great leader and role model for the younger boys?
‘Yeah well listen mate.... all that may be true but like I said, look at his haircut. Terrible. How can you call him a leader?’
Who would you consider a good leader then Harry?
‘Ben Cousins was a great leader, well respected and such a huge influence on all of his peers. Glass and Hurn great leaders too. Conservative haircuts you know... And mate, Nizzy is the greatest leader of all. We haven’t had any bad publicity from the WA media at all under his recent leadership. Squeaky clean Piggy, I’m telling you’
Controversial comments to say the least! Well thanks for calling in anyway Harry. Hope you enjoy the game.
‘Na maaate... listen here ma...’
Phone call cut off by producer
I’m afraid that’s all the callers we have time for. Thanks to Do... I mean Harry for calling in. Sorry to the other callers we couldn’t get to, maybe next week you can call back and try again.
We really have been blessed with some amazing insight from our guests today. Thanks to all of them for their contributions.
That pretty much wraps up the first half of our coverage. Next we will cross to the Big Footy Lab for the head to head analysis, but first let’s acknowledge our Sunday twilight footy sponsors.
Part 2 - The Big Footy Lab
Last (10) time(s) they met:
- Taberner comes out all guns blazing and kicks 2 first quarter goals as Fremantle get the early jump on West Coast . He then manages to single-handedly turn the game on its head in classic Taberner style. Marking a 60m Colyer bomb in the goal square he proceeds to play on, be run down in the goal square and turn the ball over. West Coast score a goal from the subsequent turnover and then another to lead at quarter time.
- (McGovern/Barrass/Sheppard/Hurn feast on an all you can eat buffet of intercept marks and West Coast begin to dominate uncontested possession and therefore the game)
- (Kennedy/Darling/Ryan/Cripps gets off the chain as the ball comes in on a platter)
- (West Coast win)
2021 Stats Comparison - Team Averages
West Coast 131.2
Differential Fremantle +10.8
West Coast 15.0
Differential West Coast +2.5
West Coast 35.2
Differential West Coast +0.2
West Coast 45.2
Differential Fremantle +9.3
West Coast 12.7
Differential West Coast +1.5
Inside 50 per goal
West Coast 3.56
Differential West Coast -1.31
Inside 50 per score
West Coast 2.11
Differential West Coast -0.02
West Coast 46.8
Differential West Coast +5.7
How Fremantle can win
With Jeremy McGovern looking likely to miss the game, Adam Simpson may for once be the only coach having sleepless nights this week wondering how to keep his burly defender away from the all you can eat buffet. Justin Longmuir’s men will be advantaged if McGovern doesn’t get up for the game but Barrass, Sheppard and Hurn all can and have hurt Freo on the turnover previously. If Fremantle can be smart with their ball use going inside 50 and their talls can bring the ball to ground then they can match the Eagles on the ground. West Coast are not a statistically strong ground ball team particularly in their back half and Fremantle should be looking to exploit this. Colyer, Frederick and Schultz can hurt West Coast with their speed on turnover and at ground level in general play. Overall, Fremantle need to be smarter going forward than in recent derbies. In the past fortnight Fremantle have demonstrated good controlled passing inside 50 at stages and this is something they will need to execute against West Coast’s aerial threat in defence.
In the middle of the ground Fremantle need Sean Darcy to negate Nic Natanui’s influence at stoppages and compete at ground level. Around the ground he should be looking to stretch the Eagles’ rucks by dragging them forward at every opportunity. He will also need to work hard the other way as West Coast’s tall forward line will pose a handful for the Fremantle defenders, especially is Brennan Cox is ruled out. Fyfe, Brayshaw and Serong have all been instrumental in recent weeks and all had 30+ last week against North Melbourne. However the midfielder having the biggest impact on the team’s performances is ageless 35 year old veteran David Mundy. In Fremantle’s four wins so far this season, Mundy has averaged 29.5 disposals, 13.5 contested possessions, 10.3 score involvements, 6.3 inside 50s, 6.8 clearances, 452m gained and 133 ranking points. He is on Brownlow medal pace early in the season and is defying both time and logic with his output whilst providing invaluable coaching and leadership to the younger mids on and off the field. If West Coast let two or more of Mundy, Fyfe, Brayshaw or Serong off the chain Fremantle will be getting plenty of supply to their forwards. Which brings us to a crucial point: Reward for effort will be essential to the result. Fremantle can’t afford to waste chances and will need to ensure they are converting their opportunities in front of goal and creating scoreboard pressure. The inability to kick at more than 50% in front of goal in any game is becoming an increasing concern and will cost Fremantle games if not rectified. This week’s opponent West Coast is the most efficient and accurate scoring team in the competition so capitalisation on momentum is a non-negotiable when playing against them.
How West Coast can win
See ‘Last (10) time(s) they met’ above.
Fremantle by 4 points.
Medalist: David Mundy
Most Goals: Taberner, Kennedy (3)
‘That’s all from us at the lab. Back to you in the studio Piggy’
Thanks Lab boffins. Well that’s it from the pre-match coverage. We will now cross to the live coverage...
Listens to producer in earpiece
What’s that? Unbelievable... it seems as though the start of the game will be delayed due to another situation on the stadium roof! I’ve been informed that Guitar Hero has given the crowd quite the show, playing We Will Rock You, TNT, Enter Sandman and is now playing the full length Stairway to Heaven solo... he does not seem the slightest bit fazed by the fact that this is a West Coast home game and in fact looks like he could play forever... security are now up on the roof. Yes, this could be quite the delay indeed...
Producer screams in ear to cut ‘this f**king train wreck broadcast now’
Oh my, what an action-packed afternoon it has been! That is all from me here, we will be crossing to the commentary team after this short break and hopefully all will be set for the first bounce. I’m Piggy Smalls. I trust you’ve enjoyed the coverage and hope you enjoy the game.
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