Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

[Marlowe]

[Sylvia and Moloney are fighting]

James Magner: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what Football means to Australia, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

 

[LeverPuller]

Dave Misson is lecturing the team in their first training session under him.

Misson: Alright guys, I've got 8 weeks of killing you on my schedule from Neeld. Now, whoever goes the longest without puking gets to be in the leadership group.

*Team begins running, Misson belts them around the park for two hours*

Misson: Okay, here we go. How's everybody doing?

Blease: Good, good so far.

Misson: All right.

Morton: Nothing yet.

Misson: Cool, cool. Now, I don't know if any of you guys have been in the leadership group already, but it is, uh...it is a real honour at this club, and it's an id-

*Brad Green vomits*

Blease: Ooh, one down, I know somebody that won't be a part of -

*Blease vomits*

Bennell: I'm starting to feel funny.

Morton: Well I feel fine, I guess I'm gonna -

*Morton vomits*

Bennell: Oh boy, that means I -

*Bennell vomits*

*The players are consumed by vomiting all around the ground, on each other, everywhere*

*Grimes and Trengove show up*

JT: Okay, who wants Powerade?

*group vomits*

 

[d33my]

The media interrogates Neeld.

Media: Do you hold a grudge against Aaron Davey?
Neeld: No.
[buzz]
Neeld: All right, maybe I do. But I didn't have the indigenous players meet separately from the rest of the group.
[ding]
Media: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Neeld: Good, 'cause I gotta work on our new premiership game plan tonight.
[buzz]
Neeld: Our new game plan.
[buzz]
Neeld: a rehashed game plan I stole from Nathan Buckley.
[buzz]
Neeld: Mick Malthouse.
[buzz]
Neeld: Got it out of an Auskick training manual.
[buzz]
Neeld: All right! I'm going to sit at home and work on our game plan that I drew up on a napkin that I got at KFC.
[buzz]
Neeld: A soiled napkin.
[ding]
Neeld: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
[buzz]

 

[Eth]

Mark Neeld, investigating his players:

Neeld: Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you'll answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Sylvia: Yes.

*lie detector explodes*

 

[ExTasDeeMan]

Brent Moloney's mother: Hi Brent, you got a letter.

Moloney: It's from my favourite coach Dean Bailey! [reads]

Bailey: [voice over] Dear Beamer, as I write this, I am very sad. My coachship has been overthrown and
[voice changes to that of an evil man]
replaced by the benevolent Mark Neeld. All hail Neeld and his
glorious new regime! Sincerely, Weak pussy football coach.

 

[Bluelegs]

[Sylvia and Moloney are fighting]

James Magner: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what Football means to Australia, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Seems Magner was possessed by Brent Kirk.

 

[Unleash Hell]

Syliva and Kennedy speaking after last weeks game

Sylvia: I'm still paying for the Demons
Kennedy: Back in Melbourne?? I didn't realise they still had a team
Sylvia: Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's great!

 

[Unleash Hell]

Mark Neeld: [Neeld's opening address to the team before the opening day game] All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!

 

[ExTasDeeMan]

One of my favourites:

Mark Neeld: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I had him crippled to inspire you.

Jack Viney: (to his mom and dad) I hope they win, or Mr. Neeld said he's coming back.

 

[d33my]

One of my favourites:

Mark Neeld: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I had him crippled to inspire you.

Jack Viney: (to his mom and dad) I hope they win, or Mr. Neeld said he's coming back.

Lol'd.

Melbourne defeats Carlton:

Neeld: We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, heh, we won't be going out for pizza.

 

[Dory_77]

[Sylvia and Moloney are fighting]

James Magner: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what Football means to Australia, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Love the BASEketball reference, but would Magner really be the little bitch of the team?

 

[Marlowe]

Love the BASEketball reference, but would Magner really be the little bitch of the team?

He's not the bitch. In that moment, I imagine him as a voice of reason, as a new guy who has yet to be corrupted like the rest of the senior list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


[after meeting Sylvia and McLean]

Daniher: Oh you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are ******s!
Szondy: I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise.
Daniher: They brought their ****in' TOYS with 'em!
Szondy: Well, I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves
Daniher: They're too dumb to play with themselves. Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the system and you gotta draft it!

 

[Dory_77]

Neeld: Good lord Sylvia, you look atrocious! I thought I dropped you!
Dunn: Um, Sylvia's already been dropped sir, I'm his replacement, Lynden Dunn.
Neeld: Ah yes, Dunn. You'll play on the ball this game. I expect you to man up on Chris Judd, try to stop him from getting the ball and try to get the ball yourself.
Dunn: But I never get the ball.
Neeld: Get going! And practice your kicking, marking and tackling and keep running laps until you feel physically ill.
Dunn *taking notes*: Uh huh, uh huh. Okay; um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things. The things?
*Neeld's glares and grumbles at Dunn as he backs out of the room*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Neeld: Sellar! Sellar!
*Sellar comes running over, panting*
Neeld: That telephone has been ringing for some time; answer it.
Sellar: Hello. It's for you.
Neil Craig *through phone*: Neeldy, 48 rings, are you alright? What did Sellar do to you?
Neeld *into phone which Sellar is still holding*: Oh nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery; terrible at everything, a complete moron. But I'm not really free to talk right now.

 

[The Professor]

Loving this thread!!!!

Mark Neeld walks into the room to pitch for the job to Gary Lyon.


Neeld: I come before you good people tonight with game plan. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

[starts to walk out of the room]

Lyon: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

Neeld: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my game plan.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a powerpoint presentation]

Neeld: I give you the Demons gameplan!
[crowd gasps]

Neeld: I've coached teams in Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!

 

[Bluelegs]

Loving this thread!!!!

Mark Neeld walks into the room to pitch for the job to Gary Lyon.


Neeld: I come before you good people tonight with game plan. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

[starts to walk out of the room]

Lyon: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

Neeld: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my game plan.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a powerpoint presentation]

Neeld: I give you the Demons gameplan!
[crowd gasps]

Neeld: I've coached teams in Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!

Mark Neeld: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Certified,
Defensive,
Game Plan!
What'd I say?

Cameron Schwab: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: What's it called?

Don Mclardy: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: That's right, Game plan!

[Melbourne officials 'game plan' softly and rhythmically.]

Gary Lyon: I hear those things are quite complex

Mark Neeld: It's as simple as missionary sex

Chris Connolly: Is there a chance the plan could fail?

Mark Neeld: No, good sir, it'll be nothing like Cale.

Don McLardy: What will we see on the field?

Mark Neeld: A defensive structure as strong as a shield.

Cameron Schwab: Were you sent here by McGuire?

Mark Neeld: Whoever told you that is a dead set liar.

Garry Lyon: The ring came off my pudding can.

Mark Neeld: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Melbourne's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: What's it called?

All: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: Once again...

All: Game plan!

Supporters: But our players are still unfit and uninspired...

Cameron Schwab: Sorry, but Bailey's already been fired!

All: Game plan!
Game plan!
Game plan!
Game plan!
Gary Lyon: Game... D'oh!

 

[Dory_77]

Mark Neeld: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Certified,
Defensive,
Game Plan!
What'd I say?

Cameron Schwab: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: What's it called?

Don Mclardy: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: That's right, Game plan!

[Melbourne officials 'game plan' softly and rhythmically.]

Gary Lyon: I hear those things are quite complex

Mark Neeld: It's as simple as missionary sex

Chris Connolly: Is there a chance the plan could fail?

Mark Neeld: No, good sir, it'll be nothing like Cale.

Don McLardy: What will we see on the field?

Mark Neeld: A defensive structure as strong as a shield.

Cameron Schwab: Were you sent here by McGuire?

Mark Neeld: Whoever told you that is a dead set liar.

Garry Lyon: The ring came off my pudding can.

Mark Neeld: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Melbourne's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: What's it called?

All: Game plan!

Mark Neeld: Once again...

All: Game plan!

Supporters: But our players are still unfit and uninspired...

Cameron Schwab: Sorry, but Bailey's already been fired!

All: Game plan!
Game plan!
Game plan!
Game plan!
Gary Lyon: Game... D'oh!

BlueLegs, you're in front of d33my by a nose now. You win this thread! I was going to try and do a mix of the song myself, but yours is brilliant! Bravo!

 

[LBJ6]

Winner ^

 

[Flyswatter]

concur, winner

 

[Theseventhhamster]

win.

 

[d33my]

New level attained, Bluelegs

 

[Rudeurrection]

Neeld: Dunn, get rid of those sideburns
Dunn: What sideburns?
Neeld: You heard me, hippy

---------------------------------------------------

Neeld: Dunn, for the last time get rid of those sideburns
Dunn: Look Mr Neeld, i dont know what you think sideburns are but...
Neeld: Dont argue with me just get rid of them!

----------------------------------------------------

Neeld: Dunn, i thought i told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME, YOURE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!!
Dunn: Fine, i still like him better than Bailey

 

[Marlowe]

[Neeld addressing the players in the lockerroom after Round 1's loss to Brisbane]

Neeld: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about that goal you missed, some son of a bitch that doesn't want to tackle, somebody that doesn't want you're handball receive , some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?
Schwab: All but one.
Neeld: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Green) Put that Gatorade down!! Gatorade's for winners only. (Green scoffs) Do you think I'm ****ing with you? I am not ****ing with you. I'm here from Collingwood. I'm here from Jim and Gary. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Green?
Green: Yeah.
Neeld: You call yourself a footballer, you son of a bitch?
Sylvia: I don't have to listen to this shit.
Neeld: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're cut. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting with tonight, starting with tonights sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this year's B&F. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're cut. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got a game plan. Jim and Gary paid good money. Remember their names and play for them! You can't play the game plan you're given, you can't close a tackle for shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Green: The game plan is weak.
Neeld: 'The game plan is weak.' ****ing game plan is weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Sylvia: What's your name?
Neeld: F*CK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Green) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close a tackle. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to the whole team again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Play the game plan on the field that's rounded! You hear me, you ****ing ******s?
(Neeld flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Neeld: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention -- do I have your attention? Interest -- are you interested? I know you are because it's **** or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision -- have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the opponent's comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk on the field unless he wants to win. Sitting out there waiting to give you their possession! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Sylvia) What's the problem pal? You. Sylvia.
Sylvia: You're such a hero, you have such a great game plan. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Neeld sits and takes out his game plan)
Neeld: You see this game plan? You see this game plan?
Sylvia: Yeah.
Neeld: That game plan helped win a flag. I won a premiership last year. How many games did you win? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? **** you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Goals!! (to Jamar) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you **********? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a field?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, kick fifteen ****ing goals! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell real estate?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Neeld: It takes brass balls to sell real estate.
(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)
Neeld: Go and do likewise, gents. The possession's are out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on the field next week and close a tackle, close a tackle, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a footballer, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) This is the new game plan. This is Mick's game plan. And to you, it's gold. And you don't get it. Why? Because to give it to you is just throwing is away. (he hands the Mick's game plan to Schwab) They're for winners.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Sylvia) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Jim and Garry asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your [Sylvia's] ****ing ass because a loser is a loser.
(Neeld stares at Green for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Schwab)

 

[Bluelegs]

Cheers guys, I saw The Professor's lead up and just couldn't leave the thread without the song

 

[d33my]

Neeld's post match address:

"Boys, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

 

[Slander]

Mark Neeld's first meeting with the players...
"Greetings puny earthlings. The gameplans of yesteryear are over with me you will move not backward, not forward, not sideways but upward and always twirling, twirling, twirling to victory. End communication."