Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

[tasmanlvr]

Melbourne have a meeting to discuss their future aspirations.

Tapscott: "My name is Tap-py. I love to get ang-ry."
Green: "My name is Brad Green. Playing for Melbourne has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old."
Morton: "My name is Cale and I'm here because Melbourne's spotter made me come."
Neeld: "Cale, with our help you'll never touch a football again."

(Cale screams and jumps out the window).

Cale Morton is spotting doing something peculiar at training one day with a bloke filming him from a video camera.

"Welcome to Cale Morton's Football Challenge. I am Morton. Please select kick.
You have selected... kick to opposition. May I suggest... kick to teammate?
Kick to opposition. Now select position of kick. May I suggest, forward 50?
You have selected Dangerous Position! Press 7-8-7 to kick.
Ball is in... opposition goal. Would you like to play again?
You have selected... no.

Jamie Bennell is waiting on the bench to come on. Mark Neeld comes down to talk to the boys on the bench.

Bennell: "You took away five minutes of my football career and I want them back!" [Thinking for a moment] "Aww... I'd only waste it, anyway..."

 

[d33my]

Bailey's parting wisdom to Scully:

Tom, if you don't like this club you don't need to leave. You just go in there every week, and play really half-arsed. That's the Melbourne Football Club way.

 

[Schulzenfest]

Cale Morton is spotting doing something peculiar at training one day with a bloke filming him from a video camera.

"Welcome to Cale Morton's Football Challenge. I am Morton. Please select kick.
You have selected... kick to opposition. May I suggest... kick to teammate?
Kick to opposition. Now select position of kick. May I suggest, forward 50?
You have selected Dangerous Position! Press 7-8-7 to kick.
Ball is in... opposition goal. Would you like to play again?
You have selected... no.

This is by far the best thread on Bigfooty.

 

[Tulip]

Rawlings to Jamie Bennell: So you're not good at sports, its a very small part of life.

Neeld: Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports. Jamie, Rivers gets a contract extension because he's so good at sports.

 

[tasmanlvr]

Neeld: "Morton? Bennell? Who picked all these crap players?"
Neeld's brain: "Quiet, it might be you. I can't remember."
Neeld: "No, I'm gonna ask Schwab."
Neeld's brain: "No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a cheque and I'll release some more endolphins."
Neeld: [after writing the cheque] "Ohhh..."

Cale Morton makes his way to the doctor's office and finds Brian Royal picking up tongue depressors off the floor.

Morton: "Brian Royal? What are you doing here?"
Royal: "Budget cuts to get Cloke. They've even got Jake Spencer teaching the boys how to sledge in French."
Meanwhile, in the rooms, Jake Spencer is wearing a beret.
Spencer: "Bonjourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you tanking surrender monkeys!"

Bennell: "Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my football, man!"
Neeld: "Why don't you make me?"
Bennell: "I don't make trash, I play like it."
Neeld: "Then I guess your garbage, man."
Bennell: "I know you are, but what am I?"
Neeld: "Garbage, man."
Bennell: "I know you are, but what am I?"
Neeld: "Garbage, man."
Bennell: "I know you are, but what am I?"
Neeld: "Garbage, man."
Bennell: "Takes one to know one!"
Bate: "Checkmate."

Morton: "Cale Morton...
He's the man whose name you'd love to touch
But you musn't touch
His name sounds good in your ear
But when you say it, you mustn't fear
Cause his name can be said
By anyone..."

Neeld: "Oh, Cale Morton! How's every little thing?"
Morton: "You remembered my name!"
Neeld: "Well, who could forget the name of a #4 draft pick like you? Keep up the good work, Cale!"
Morton: "Mr Morton."
Neeld: "Yes, Mr Morton."

McLardy: "My fellow Melbourne fans! As a young boy, I dreamed of being a football, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, not upward, not forward, and twirling, twirling, twirling towards a 13th premiership!"

McLardy (overlooking the city): "I'll get you, Travis Cloke."
Eddie McGuire: (distant) "No you won't!"
McLardy: "Yes I will!"
McGuire: "...won't!"

 

[tasmanlvr]

It's three quarter time and Melbourne are three goals down, needing a win. Mark Neeld looks at the countdown clock and walkie talkies the bench.

Neeld: "Get ready to play. We got 25 minutes."
Channel Seven begin the countdown clock on the TV.
Neeld: "Err... 15 minutes.
5 minutes.
6h minutes?"
Craig: "There's your problem, the timekeepers put the countdown clock on upside down!"
Neeld: "Those idiots! The quarter wasn't set for 25 minutes, it was set for 52 seconds!"
Schwab: "Ahh! We're gonna lose, right!"
Craig: "Right."

Schwab screams again.

 

[LeverPuller]

Mick Malthouse is asked to give a motivational speech to the Dees.

Malthouse to the team: Playing football! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons on Mondays? Captain Whatshisname? We play in a game of structures! Why do you think they took you to all those corporate structural management movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Here's a special training video produced for Brent Moloney:

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Neeld: These shoes are in the off position!
Blease: You mean I kicked five goals all by myself?
Craig: See, honey? All you needed was to believe--
Schwab: What are you talking about, Neeldy? They're clearly in the on position. See? "On".
Neeld: I was merely trying to spare the boy's feelings, you insensitive clod.
Schwab: Oh... oh! Well, now that I look even closer--
Blease: Forget it, Schwabby.

 

[Eth]

Connolly: Are you guys tanking?
Schwab: One-draft pick discount, dude.
Bailey: Tanking is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.

 

[Supermercado]

Here's a special training video produced for Brent Moloney:

Moloney cut himself today. Emo Maric reportedly thrilled.

 

[Eth]

Moloney cut himself today. Emo Maric reportedly thrilled.

He's super thrilled.

 

[Supermercado]

He's super thrilled.

Great to see him really opening up his emotions at Tigerland.

 

[Tulip]

Here's a special training video produced for Brent Moloney:

What is this?

Laughing with confusion, and a surprising amount of relevance.

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Yes, extraordinarily relevant, isn't it

Monty Python is the answer to any question in life. Always has been.

 

[tasmanlvr]

Spencer: "Agent, today I won a one on two and made it with a woman. Inform the men."

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Scene from a club meeting in March...

Schwab: Right! Now, item four: Attainment of a Premiership within the next five years. Neeldy, you've been doing some work on this?
Neeld: Yeah thank you Schwabby. Well, quite frankly, comrades, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash Collingwood within the next twelve months!
Schwab: Twelve months?
Neeld: Yeah, twelve months. And let's face it, as teams go, this is the big one. So we've gotta get up off our arses and stop just talking about it!
Everyone: Yeah!
Morton: I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now!
Everyone: Yeah!
Schwab: You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not going to win one single game!
Royal: So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere!
Everyone: Right!
Morton: I agree! This is a complete waste of time!

Door opens...

Jack Watts: They've arrested Liam!
Everyone: What? What?
Watts: They dragged him off! They're gonna crucify him!
Schwab: Right! This calls for immediate discussion!
Watts: What?
McLardy: Immediate!
Royal: Right!
Morton: New motion?
Schwab: Completely new motion! Uh, that there be, uh, immediate action...
Royal: Once the vote has been taken.
Schwab: Well, obviously once the vote has been taken...
Watts: Schwabby, let's go now, please!
Schwab: Right, right! In the light of fresh information from comrade Watts...
Morton: Um... not so fast Schwabby.
Watts: Schwabby, for God's sake! It's perfectly simple! All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now and try to stop the bastards nailing him up! It's happening, Schwabby! Something's actually happening, Schwabby! Can't you understand? Ohhhhhhh!

Door closes...

Schwab: Mmm, hello. Another little ego trip from the feminists...
Neeld: *clears throat loudly*
Morton: What?
Royal: *whistles*
Schwab: Oh, sorry Cale. Uh, read that back, would you?

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

September 2006, Brad Green suddenly springs to life, possessed...

GREEN: Horrible! Horrible things are going to happeeeennnnn!!!!!! (he starts pointing) And they're going to happen to you, and you, and you... (points at Travis Johnstone) Whoa nelly!

He falls to the floor, writhing. Daniher calmly starts recording him with a camera phone.

GREEN: Fellow Demons, heed this warning! Endless defeat! A thousand injuries! Trapped forever!! Woot woot woot woot woot woot...

He 'walks' in a circle on the floor...

DAVEY: Neita, do something!

Neitz picks up a Bible and quickly flicks through it.

NEITZ: This book doesn't have any answers!

GREEN: Beware! Beware! Time is short. Bailey! Bailey! Baaaileeeeeyyyy! (falls to floor again) Believe me! Belieeeeeve meeeeeeeeee! Thanks for listening.

 

[tasmanlvr]

Melbourne players go into Mark Neeld's office at the end of the season hoping to stay on the list for 2013.

Morton: "I want to play a big role at Melbourne next year."
Neeld: "You want to play a big role at Melbourne next year? I'll just type that on my invisible typewriter!"

Moloney: "I can recapture my 2011, 19 vote Brownlow season."
Neeld: "Recapture your 2011 form? I'll just type that on my invisible typewriter!"

 

[tasmanlvr]

Travis Cloke: "An Opel convertible! [finds a note from Neeld] Look in the tunk. He must mean trunk. A contract from 2013-2017! He wants me to go to Melbourne!"
Scott Pendlebury: "That's not fair! I'm 10 times the Melbourne fan you are! Look, I even have a signature from Leigh Newton!"
Travis Cloke: "I don't know if I should go. I don't even like Melbourne."
Scott Pendlebury: "You're right, Travis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you."
Travis Cloke: "But what if Neeldy wants to hold hands?"
Scott Pendlebury: "I'm prepared to make that sacrifice."
Travis Cloke: "But what if he wants to kiss?"
Scott Pendlebury: "I'm prepared to make that sacrifice."
Travis Cloke: "What if he wants to-"
Scott Pendlebury: "You don't want to know how far I'll go."

Mark Neeld arrives at Melbourne Football Club. Dean Bailey is departing.

Bailey: "Is there anything else you need to know?" [gets into taxi]
Neeld: "Uhh... what do I do in case Brad Green wants to keep the captaincy?"
Bailey: "Sorry, can't hear you. [taxi drives off] Good luck!"

Neeld faces up to Brad Green who asks for the captaincy.

Neeld: "Just my luck."

 

[Dory_77]

Prior to 2011 season:
Bailey: So you see, 'foot' means your foot, and a ball is what you play with. Thus ends our intensive 4 month preseason. Any questions?
Green: Who's going to be captain?
Bailey (Looking at a blank notepad): Well, it's been a tough decision, but I think the standout candidate was clearly this man. (Waves hand randomly)
Green: Me?
Bailey: Sure, why not.

After 186:
Garry Lyon: Schwabby, I think I've got someone to help you out as a coach!
Schwab: Is it batman?
Lyon: No! He was a senior assistant at Collingwood.
Schwab: Batman was a senior assistant at Collingwood.
Lyon: It's not Batman!

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Colin Sylvia is playing poker at Brad Green's house. Also present are Mark Neeld, Brent Moloney and Aaron Davey.

Neeld: All right, I raise a quarter.
Green: I'm out.
Davey: I'm out.
Moloney: I'm out. Whoa!

He passes out and falls off his chair.

Neeld: Colin, do you want any cards? Colin!

Sylvia is choking on something. Neeld slaps him on the back, and he coughs up a chip.

Sylvia: Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.
Neeld: You want another card or not?
Sylvia: Huh? Oh, okay, I'll take three.

Neeld hands Sylvia three cards in succession.

Sylvia: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh... I mean, woohoo!
Neeld: I'm in. Let's see your cards.
Sylvia: Oh, I was bluffing.
Neeld: Haha! Come to papa! I... wait a minute. Colin, you have a straight flush! Oh, you do this every time, you... oh God, I'm choking on my own rage here!
Davey: Hey, don't yell at Colin, just because he's a little slow.

Sylvia gasps.

Sylvia's brain: Oooh, something said, not good. What was it? Don't yell at Colin? Nah, that's okay. What was it... slow! They called you slow!
Sylvia: (standing up and pointing) How dare you call me that! I...

Now night-time. Brad Green is in his dressing gown, raiding the fridge.

Green: Hey Colin, are you still here? Boy, you are slow.

Sylvia gasps. His brain speaks again.

Sylvia's brain: Oooh, something said, not good.
Green: Get the hell out of here!

He kicks Sylvia out.

The next morning. Sylvia, Lynden Dunn and Jack Grimes are eating breakfast.

Sylvia: So anyhoo, last night we were playing poker, right. As usual I'm winning and not realizing it. And Greeny says that I'm... get this... haha... a little slow! (he roars with laughter, then stops) How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow?
Dunn: Buh...
Grimes: Nuh...

 

[tasmanlvr]

Dean Bailey is sitting in a coaches box at Skilled Stadium, in late July 2011.

Bailey: "This job sure is easy. Now to press this button."
Immediately, every Melbourne player self destructs and put in a shocker.
Bailey: "Not again!"
Jim Stynes and Cameron Schwab show up.
Schwab: "Dean Bailey, you're fired!"
Dean Bailey's head is not too dissimilar to Melbourne's performance during The Game That Shall Not Be Named.

2007. Cale Morton is being driven to Melbourne headquarters to meet the other draftees of 2007.

Morton: "Who are you?"
Bailey: "Aw... you'll find out in due time."
Morton: "Well it says here your name is Dean Bailey."
Bailey: "The time has come. I'm Dean Bailey."
Bails and Morton pulls in to headquarters.
Bailey: "Cale, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the 2007 Draft Party Posse! He's smart, he's captain material, it's Jack Grimes!"
Bails spins the chair to reveal Jack Grimes.
Grimes: "What up, G-Money?"
Bailey: "Next, he might not crack a smile, or the team, it's Addam Maric!"
Again, Bails spins the chair to reveal Addam Maric. He might have smiled, I don't know.
Morton: "Wait, these are just guys from the U/18s. Who's next, Tom McNamara?"
McNamara: "Wheeeeee! I'm a football sensation!"

 

[d33my]

Lt. Neeld: The new MFC drafting process is a three-pronged attack: subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal.
McLardy: Super-liminal?
Lt. Neeld: I'll show you. *Opens window, shouts* Hey you! Join Melbourne!
Whitfield: Uh, yeah, alright.
Toumpas: I'm in.

 

[tasmanlvr]

Schwab: "C'mon Tom, China will be fun. You like football."
Scully: "That's not how I remember it. Besides I want to play football somewhere, and I'm going to Blacktown."
Schwab: "Tom!"
Scully: "What? The guy who's looking after the football team is a master coach! His name is Sheedy. He was one of my favorite coaches."
Martin: "Look, Schwabby, the game instructions are written in Mandarin!
Kick ball long and hard.
Take mark above head.
More instructions, five dollars."

Later on in the flight.

Announcer: "Welcome to China. The local time is... yesterday."

In the hotel room, Cale Morton spots a fancy Chinese television.

Chinese television: "Welcome. I am honoured to accept your waste."
Morton (gasping): "They know how I play football!"
Sylvia: "Fellas, fellas, check it out, Cale Morton's on TV!"
Boys: "AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"