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GOODY AND THE 9 CIRCLES OF HELL – NOT SUCH A DIVINE COMEDY
THE STREAK – WHAT STREAK? - and some General banter
Having escaped damnation (sometimes known as the Essengtin football club) and travelling towards the Promised Land to meet his greatest challenge, our new anti – hero Goody, finds that he has lost his way and now wanders fearfully through the dark netherworld of the northern suburbs. He is walking slowly down the sad and sorrowful Arden street, believed to be the home of the Lower Leg Erections, (the LLEs) when suddenly, a circle of light shines brightly down upon him, and lo and behold the bright light highlights a large mountain that appears like an apparition before him.
This mountain, (that was somehow inextricably missed during the Great Trigonometric Survey which yielded the small, (in comparison) pimple like mountains that are called K1 and K2, amongst others), is called MFC1. The ascent of this mountain will be an enormous challenge, and will be the greatest test of Goody’s resilience, fortitude, endeavour and character; to say nothing of his forward press.
Goody’s challenge will be to wash away the stain of incompetence and ineptitude that has settled all around us, and deliver to us our birthright, the holiest of holies and it will start on this day as we wash away the incomprehensible position that we find ourselves in against the LLEs. Having accepted the challenge Goody starts to climb the mountain, but he is stopped by any number of strange and colourful beings, amongst them a demented Kangaroo with a weird looking head of hair and webbed feet.
Unused to being placed in such a situation Goody backtracks quickly thinking to himself, “wtf have I got myself into”? Frightened and helpless, and wishing that he had never accepted the challenge, Goody tries to return to his old haunts, but it is during his scared retreat that he encounters the ghost of The Red Fox, (TRF) the greatest Coach of all.
TRF has come to guide Goody back to the path of righteousness and show him how to conquer the mountain and claim the ultimate prize. TRF tells Goody that he should be aware before choosing to climb the mountain that his path will take him through Hell, but that he will eventually reach heaven (as long as he fixes up his bloody defence), and there he will find his beloved Daisy. TRF tells Goody that Daisy has been sent with prayers from the faithful and supportive (well sometimes anyway), (i.e BF), but has ignored the pleas from other ‘Lands who it is believed are filled with the demented, and that it was she who guided him to find Goody.
TRF then takes Goody on a journey through the northern suburbs and shows him the place called Arden Street, it is here he tells Goody that until they see the River Yarra and across from there, the mighty coliseum called the MCG, the gates of which are marked by the haunting inscription “abandon all hope, ye who enter here, especially you scumbag LLE’s” This is the coliseum where the hopes and dreams of many of his predecessors have been dashed against the blood splattered and streaked walls.
Hitching a ride across the Yarra with Andrew Swallow who was learning how to become one of the famed Yarra Birdmen, as it would be the only way he would ever fly, TRF leads Goody into the outlying regions of the “G”; there they hear the anguished screams of the uncommitted, (you know who you are) the ones concerned only for themselves.
Walking carefully, TRF and Goody then enter the first Circle of Hell, Limbo, TRF explains to Goody that the club has been suspended in this state since 2006 and that it is expected that he, Goody, will lead us all to know the euphoria and excitement as we stop this ridiculous situation and supplicate ourselves before the E.L Wilson Shield. There is no punishment here he explains, people have been punished enough, yet Goody finds the atmosphere is infinitely sad,
After meeting some of the host of failures who had preceded him, (they don’t need to be mentioned), their stain will live with us forever, Goody enters the Second Circle of Hell, reserved for the sin of Lust, here he meets the monster Scottius the Campaigner who assigns condemned souls to their punishments. Goody meets the “King” who tells him the story of his love affair with his best mate’s wife, which has landed them both in Hell. Having betrayed all reason in pursuit of their hedonistic pleasures, here they are doomed to remain forever, their companions here include Helen of Troy and Cleopatra. On finding out this information the “King” immediately dissolves into a blubbering, incoherent, priapic, mess.
In the third Circle of Hell, reserved for the Gluttons, Goody and TRF meet the Orcs and the Handbaggers (but not the Lower Leg Erections, never the LLEs) who have been gorging themselves on the bodies of all others for far too long. Their refusal to share in the spoils of victory means they are now condemned to forever lie in a river of slush, never again to be showered with confetti and Gatorade. A curly headed monster (known as Sideshow Blob) resides here, growling and tearing the damned with his teeth and claws as he continually tries to kick a goal.
Entering the fourth Circle of Hel,l TRF and Goody see the spawn of the devil residing in the nether regions of the unfriendly in the west and the north, they are being punished for Greed, and taking all the draft picks when we desperately needed them, (we aren’t being greedy, just needful) they don’t have see the suffering of others, and this is a representation of their arrogance, selfishness and coldness.
Heading into the Fifth Circle TRF and Goody are met by the Wrath(ful) and the sullen who are punished for their sins, unless your name is Vagina-ington of course, and your single biggest skill is gut punching. Here they are threatened by the Roosies (No’s 6,14 and 17, and no, we don’t know their names)
Entering the Sixth Circle of hell they are then confronted by the Heretics, those souls who thought it would be a good idea to merge the oldest football club in the world, they are condemned forever to be burned in the flaming tombs which surround the landscape. They shall suffer forever for failing to have faith in our ability to drag ourselves out of the mire and who make themselves heard by their constant negativity. Entering the seventh Circle of Hell TRF and Goody witness the Violence that was going to be committed against the Heretics should they have been successful in their endeavours.
Goody and TRF are then transported across Brunton Avenue by the decrepit old tram driver Boomer, and enter the “G”, the eighth Circle of Hell. Here they meet those who have committed Fraud against the Club, amongst them are a group called the 186’ers, if ever a fraud was perpetrated it was by this group when, after telling us they could play football it became more than apparent that they had fraudulently connived to embarrass and humiliate us. They are forever condemned to wallow in human excrement, very apt, as that is what they served up to us that day.
The ninth Circle of Hell, Treachery, is the deepest level of hell and where the fallen “angel” Baldy del Zambrasi himself resides. Baldy’s mouth(s) flap eternally, as he has two faces, one red and blue, the other navy and white. TRF and Goody meet Baldy who, it transpired, had for a period played in the midfield for the Ghibellines before being traded to the Guelphs. During the conversation, it came to Goody's attention that Baldy had spoken to Pope Andrew I (an ex Lower Leg Erection himself) about what he saw were some inconsistencies in the way that the Ghibellines organised their efforts, thus resulting in the ill-fated Investiture Controversy. This situation was completely without Precedent and without doubt polarised the nation. As a result, the Ghibellines were fined 5 thousand gazillion Lira, even though no inconsistencies were ever found. It was pointed out to Goody that this level of sin confines the sinner to Hell even before his body dies on Earth.
After completing the Tour, TRF tells Goody that it is time to leave Hell for good, they slowly climb down Light Tower 4 and arrive at the Southern Stand. Here TRF and Goody follow the pathway out into the centre of the “G”, and thence on to the Apple Isle. They emerge from Hell at midday on 29 July, 2017 to bright sunshine and the roar of the faithful, thenceforth to commence their own Streak, which will be the longest in football history.
What? Oh yes, yes that’s right, ummm the football -- Dees by 9.
THE STREAK – WHAT STREAK? - and some General banter
Having escaped damnation (sometimes known as the Essengtin football club) and travelling towards the Promised Land to meet his greatest challenge, our new anti – hero Goody, finds that he has lost his way and now wanders fearfully through the dark netherworld of the northern suburbs. He is walking slowly down the sad and sorrowful Arden street, believed to be the home of the Lower Leg Erections, (the LLEs) when suddenly, a circle of light shines brightly down upon him, and lo and behold the bright light highlights a large mountain that appears like an apparition before him.
This mountain, (that was somehow inextricably missed during the Great Trigonometric Survey which yielded the small, (in comparison) pimple like mountains that are called K1 and K2, amongst others), is called MFC1. The ascent of this mountain will be an enormous challenge, and will be the greatest test of Goody’s resilience, fortitude, endeavour and character; to say nothing of his forward press.
Goody’s challenge will be to wash away the stain of incompetence and ineptitude that has settled all around us, and deliver to us our birthright, the holiest of holies and it will start on this day as we wash away the incomprehensible position that we find ourselves in against the LLEs. Having accepted the challenge Goody starts to climb the mountain, but he is stopped by any number of strange and colourful beings, amongst them a demented Kangaroo with a weird looking head of hair and webbed feet.
Unused to being placed in such a situation Goody backtracks quickly thinking to himself, “wtf have I got myself into”? Frightened and helpless, and wishing that he had never accepted the challenge, Goody tries to return to his old haunts, but it is during his scared retreat that he encounters the ghost of The Red Fox, (TRF) the greatest Coach of all.
TRF has come to guide Goody back to the path of righteousness and show him how to conquer the mountain and claim the ultimate prize. TRF tells Goody that he should be aware before choosing to climb the mountain that his path will take him through Hell, but that he will eventually reach heaven (as long as he fixes up his bloody defence), and there he will find his beloved Daisy. TRF tells Goody that Daisy has been sent with prayers from the faithful and supportive (well sometimes anyway), (i.e BF), but has ignored the pleas from other ‘Lands who it is believed are filled with the demented, and that it was she who guided him to find Goody.
TRF then takes Goody on a journey through the northern suburbs and shows him the place called Arden Street, it is here he tells Goody that until they see the River Yarra and across from there, the mighty coliseum called the MCG, the gates of which are marked by the haunting inscription “abandon all hope, ye who enter here, especially you scumbag LLE’s” This is the coliseum where the hopes and dreams of many of his predecessors have been dashed against the blood splattered and streaked walls.
Hitching a ride across the Yarra with Andrew Swallow who was learning how to become one of the famed Yarra Birdmen, as it would be the only way he would ever fly, TRF leads Goody into the outlying regions of the “G”; there they hear the anguished screams of the uncommitted, (you know who you are) the ones concerned only for themselves.
Walking carefully, TRF and Goody then enter the first Circle of Hell, Limbo, TRF explains to Goody that the club has been suspended in this state since 2006 and that it is expected that he, Goody, will lead us all to know the euphoria and excitement as we stop this ridiculous situation and supplicate ourselves before the E.L Wilson Shield. There is no punishment here he explains, people have been punished enough, yet Goody finds the atmosphere is infinitely sad,
After meeting some of the host of failures who had preceded him, (they don’t need to be mentioned), their stain will live with us forever, Goody enters the Second Circle of Hell, reserved for the sin of Lust, here he meets the monster Scottius the Campaigner who assigns condemned souls to their punishments. Goody meets the “King” who tells him the story of his love affair with his best mate’s wife, which has landed them both in Hell. Having betrayed all reason in pursuit of their hedonistic pleasures, here they are doomed to remain forever, their companions here include Helen of Troy and Cleopatra. On finding out this information the “King” immediately dissolves into a blubbering, incoherent, priapic, mess.
In the third Circle of Hell, reserved for the Gluttons, Goody and TRF meet the Orcs and the Handbaggers (but not the Lower Leg Erections, never the LLEs) who have been gorging themselves on the bodies of all others for far too long. Their refusal to share in the spoils of victory means they are now condemned to forever lie in a river of slush, never again to be showered with confetti and Gatorade. A curly headed monster (known as Sideshow Blob) resides here, growling and tearing the damned with his teeth and claws as he continually tries to kick a goal.
Entering the fourth Circle of Hel,l TRF and Goody see the spawn of the devil residing in the nether regions of the unfriendly in the west and the north, they are being punished for Greed, and taking all the draft picks when we desperately needed them, (we aren’t being greedy, just needful) they don’t have see the suffering of others, and this is a representation of their arrogance, selfishness and coldness.
Heading into the Fifth Circle TRF and Goody are met by the Wrath(ful) and the sullen who are punished for their sins, unless your name is Vagina-ington of course, and your single biggest skill is gut punching. Here they are threatened by the Roosies (No’s 6,14 and 17, and no, we don’t know their names)
Entering the Sixth Circle of hell they are then confronted by the Heretics, those souls who thought it would be a good idea to merge the oldest football club in the world, they are condemned forever to be burned in the flaming tombs which surround the landscape. They shall suffer forever for failing to have faith in our ability to drag ourselves out of the mire and who make themselves heard by their constant negativity. Entering the seventh Circle of Hell TRF and Goody witness the Violence that was going to be committed against the Heretics should they have been successful in their endeavours.
Goody and TRF are then transported across Brunton Avenue by the decrepit old tram driver Boomer, and enter the “G”, the eighth Circle of Hell. Here they meet those who have committed Fraud against the Club, amongst them are a group called the 186’ers, if ever a fraud was perpetrated it was by this group when, after telling us they could play football it became more than apparent that they had fraudulently connived to embarrass and humiliate us. They are forever condemned to wallow in human excrement, very apt, as that is what they served up to us that day.
The ninth Circle of Hell, Treachery, is the deepest level of hell and where the fallen “angel” Baldy del Zambrasi himself resides. Baldy’s mouth(s) flap eternally, as he has two faces, one red and blue, the other navy and white. TRF and Goody meet Baldy who, it transpired, had for a period played in the midfield for the Ghibellines before being traded to the Guelphs. During the conversation, it came to Goody's attention that Baldy had spoken to Pope Andrew I (an ex Lower Leg Erection himself) about what he saw were some inconsistencies in the way that the Ghibellines organised their efforts, thus resulting in the ill-fated Investiture Controversy. This situation was completely without Precedent and without doubt polarised the nation. As a result, the Ghibellines were fined 5 thousand gazillion Lira, even though no inconsistencies were ever found. It was pointed out to Goody that this level of sin confines the sinner to Hell even before his body dies on Earth.
After completing the Tour, TRF tells Goody that it is time to leave Hell for good, they slowly climb down Light Tower 4 and arrive at the Southern Stand. Here TRF and Goody follow the pathway out into the centre of the “G”, and thence on to the Apple Isle. They emerge from Hell at midday on 29 July, 2017 to bright sunshine and the roar of the faithful, thenceforth to commence their own Streak, which will be the longest in football history.
What? Oh yes, yes that’s right, ummm the football -- Dees by 9.
