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As Bigfooty's resident villain I’ve tackled all the tough issues head-on. War, drugs, Aboriginal reconciliation, Essendon and Collingwood supporters are weiners … I’ve taken ‘em all on.
But now I’m going for the jugular on the key issue of our time – that the 80s was utterly superior to the 90s in every way, and that those of us who were teens then were so much better at being teens than were the teens of the 90s.
To all you navel-gazing gimboids of the 90s, let me lay it all out for you. Our music was better than yours, so was our dress sense, our nightclub scene, our chicks, our view of the universe – all totally and utterly better than yours.
Before you have a hissy-fit (the instinctive reaction of your whining generation), give me a moment to prove to you our greatness and your “weeniness”.
Let’s start with music, something that the teens of the 90s get so worked up about. You’ve had Nirvana, Alanis Morrisette and Mariah Carey – all of them were so utterly pretentious and “serious” about the whole thing, with their heads so far up their arses they could see their large intestines. For f#ck’s sake people, you’re musicians! Get some perspective – it’s not like you’ve cured cancer or anything!
We had Duran Duran, Georgio Moroder and the Human League, and Billy Idol. OK, you can argue about the relative musical merits of the two groups (I would still back the 80s crew against the 90s any day), but at least ours didn’t take themselves so frigging seriously (which given their respective hairdos is hardly surprising, I suppose).
Shyte, even those singers who had hits in both decades were better back then. In the 80s Madonna was cute, voluptuous and fun, and we all felt as though we might be able to jump her in the hay. Then she had Like a Prayer and the whole thing went to her head. Now she’s a scrawny, stuck-up cow, who isn’t half as good as she thinks he is, and hasn’t really had a good song since Vogue.
Back then we had Wham! and they were ordinary – but you have post-Dunny Dater George Michael. And think of what Michael Jackson looked like now in the 80s compared to the 1999 model. He was ‘Bad’ back them, but now he’s just plain atrocious!
As for clothes, what is your obsession with brown, for f#ck’s sake? It didn’t look good in 1970, it didn’t look good on a Hawthorn jumper, and doesn’t look any better now. And what’s with the beige beanie? Who said that was a good look? You look just like homeless people.
No, your mob got so caught up with “fashion”, that you forgot about style. We had style, and where there is style, fashion is irrelevant. Does the name Don Johnson mean anything to you?
Climb out of a white Chevy Camaro Z28 wearing a white suit jacket, a baby-blue t-shirt, 501s and mirrored aviator shades, and tell me that you don’t look cool. You can’t.
Now try this. Climb out of a Daiwoo Cielo in a brown knitted cardigan and wearing a biege beanie. Cool? Give me strength!
You think you’re so cool with your raves and your ecstacy. Our nightclubs were so cool, we didn’t need ecstacy. All we needed was Pseudo Echo.
And our chicks looked better too. So, they had big hair (just like Kim Wild), but at least it was on their heads, not under their arms (Alanis Morrisette again!)
We were much more casual about life than you. All we cared about was getting rich and getting laid. No wonder we were in such a good mood!
You, on the other hand, moan about poverty and groan about environment, as if moaning and groaning will fix anything. And you talk about having “attitude”. Having “attitude” is a euphemism for being self-smug arsehole.
So do yourself a favour kiddies, and get yourself a pale blue suit, a Billy Ocean record (vinyl, NOT CD) and chill out. If you’re lucky you may even score yourself a top-looking chick with big hair in the process.
* for those who can’t tell, this article is at least partially tongue-in-cheek.
But now I’m going for the jugular on the key issue of our time – that the 80s was utterly superior to the 90s in every way, and that those of us who were teens then were so much better at being teens than were the teens of the 90s.
To all you navel-gazing gimboids of the 90s, let me lay it all out for you. Our music was better than yours, so was our dress sense, our nightclub scene, our chicks, our view of the universe – all totally and utterly better than yours.
Before you have a hissy-fit (the instinctive reaction of your whining generation), give me a moment to prove to you our greatness and your “weeniness”.
Let’s start with music, something that the teens of the 90s get so worked up about. You’ve had Nirvana, Alanis Morrisette and Mariah Carey – all of them were so utterly pretentious and “serious” about the whole thing, with their heads so far up their arses they could see their large intestines. For f#ck’s sake people, you’re musicians! Get some perspective – it’s not like you’ve cured cancer or anything!
We had Duran Duran, Georgio Moroder and the Human League, and Billy Idol. OK, you can argue about the relative musical merits of the two groups (I would still back the 80s crew against the 90s any day), but at least ours didn’t take themselves so frigging seriously (which given their respective hairdos is hardly surprising, I suppose).
Shyte, even those singers who had hits in both decades were better back then. In the 80s Madonna was cute, voluptuous and fun, and we all felt as though we might be able to jump her in the hay. Then she had Like a Prayer and the whole thing went to her head. Now she’s a scrawny, stuck-up cow, who isn’t half as good as she thinks he is, and hasn’t really had a good song since Vogue.
Back then we had Wham! and they were ordinary – but you have post-Dunny Dater George Michael. And think of what Michael Jackson looked like now in the 80s compared to the 1999 model. He was ‘Bad’ back them, but now he’s just plain atrocious!
As for clothes, what is your obsession with brown, for f#ck’s sake? It didn’t look good in 1970, it didn’t look good on a Hawthorn jumper, and doesn’t look any better now. And what’s with the beige beanie? Who said that was a good look? You look just like homeless people.
No, your mob got so caught up with “fashion”, that you forgot about style. We had style, and where there is style, fashion is irrelevant. Does the name Don Johnson mean anything to you?
Climb out of a white Chevy Camaro Z28 wearing a white suit jacket, a baby-blue t-shirt, 501s and mirrored aviator shades, and tell me that you don’t look cool. You can’t.
Now try this. Climb out of a Daiwoo Cielo in a brown knitted cardigan and wearing a biege beanie. Cool? Give me strength!
You think you’re so cool with your raves and your ecstacy. Our nightclubs were so cool, we didn’t need ecstacy. All we needed was Pseudo Echo.
And our chicks looked better too. So, they had big hair (just like Kim Wild), but at least it was on their heads, not under their arms (Alanis Morrisette again!)
We were much more casual about life than you. All we cared about was getting rich and getting laid. No wonder we were in such a good mood!
You, on the other hand, moan about poverty and groan about environment, as if moaning and groaning will fix anything. And you talk about having “attitude”. Having “attitude” is a euphemism for being self-smug arsehole.
So do yourself a favour kiddies, and get yourself a pale blue suit, a Billy Ocean record (vinyl, NOT CD) and chill out. If you’re lucky you may even score yourself a top-looking chick with big hair in the process.
* for those who can’t tell, this article is at least partially tongue-in-cheek.
