Up to, maybe 3 months ago, I had always considered myself Agnostic. Although, I had never really believed God to be real, and had always thought that if he was, then he's just a massive douche and when I see him I'd probably give him a big **** you, I always found myself praying to God in extremely tough times, so there always that little bit of faith inside me, which is why I had considered myself Agnostic.
Now, when I actually told someone who believed in God, this, they came up with a decent point that God probably never came to my calls, because of these opinions of him. True, but what a massive douche, eh?
Anyway, 3 months ago, I went through a massive depressive episode at my uni, Australian Catholic University (ACU). So bad, that I decided to seek God for guidance. I went to their church, and sat there for about half an hour to an hour, just praying, begging, for help or just a reason to live. You know what happened? My best friend called me. I literally sat there, with my mouth open, absolutely shocked at the turn of events. However, I didn't tell him anything. But I still wasn't a believer, and I hadn't been saved yet. I knew who I wanted to talk to about it, a girl who I had been attending lectures with all semester, and I knew she was still at uni and I knew I needed her support. It was imperative. So, I texted her, to have a chat and she knew it was something serious too, because we were in a lecture before this. I told God, just give me this, let me have this chat, and I'll forever be in your thanks. Basically, this was my turning point whether or not I was to believe in God. And I thought what I was asking, was a small thing to ask, just a coffee with a friend. She agreed, we would meet after her class. I got up, left to go meet her, and on the way there, I receive a text saying "sorry, I have to go see a friend of mine", and that was that.
In the end, I spent the rest of the night thinking about that experience and came with 2 conclusions. Either 1) There is no God or 2) there is no God for me.
That night, I tried to kill myself. I didn't succeed because I'm too weak to do it and there always was that shred of will to live I suppose. However, the pain was still there. So, if I was unable to end the pain by suicide, I had to figure out another way. I had decided that there was no God, and that the pain, depression and etc. will not just magically go away. I decided that if I were to live in this world, I have to do all that I can to make myself strong enough to withstand anything.