Telstra Customer Service Or: 83 Minutes of Terror
Disconnected the home phone yesterday. But had to reconnect it. Coz apparently my ADSL interwebz won't work without it.
(Is that shit true or is Telstra just f@%king with me?)
Eh, whatever, I'll reconnect and be back shitposting on ExtremeRossFaulkner in no time.
Er, no.
Because the account is still in my 79yo Mum's name. And she had to authorise me doing anything. Which meant the Indian call centre operator having to ring her in the nursing home.
But Mum thinks every Indian with a phone is a scammer so she hung up on them.
Every. Single. Time.
Next thing I've got a milllion missed calls and voicemails and I'm dreading calling her but know I have to.
Because interwebz.
Anyway, I make the call and cop this hysterical verbal assault about Indian scammers trying to rip off her life savings.
"BITCH, PLEASE! YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY!! F@%K!!!"
Finally got a word in. But now she's going off at me. And apparently I'm "in cahoots with the feckin Indians."
Errrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh...
"Yeah, I'm in cahoots with the feckin Indians. We're gonna rip you off blind. But when they call again - "
"Yera, they better not!"
"Yera, they will. Authorise me. Gimme permission. Whatever."
"Feckin arsehole."
"Just say yes! For ****'s sake."
CLICK! She hung up on me. Shit. F@%k it, I ring Telstra again not knowing if the crazy old bitch will give me the all clear. They ring her in the nursing home again. This time, she doesn't hang up.
She authorised me and shit.
BOO-YA!!! So now we're in the reconnection home straight. Smooth sailing from here. Until they notice my monthly bill is a week overdue.
Shit.
"Yeah, I pay online. So, um, I was gonna sort it out when the internet was back up. Er, yeah."
"Let me just consult with my manager."
No need. I know what's coming. But I still hold on listening to that f@%king awful elevator music. Clinging to faint hope. Desperately.
"Hello, sir."
"Hi."
"We can reconnect your home phone - "
"Great!"
"When the outstanding amount is paid in full."
And that's when I hung up, dropped to my knees and looked up at the cracked, peeling ceiling.
Then sobbed uncontrollably.
A broken man...