What every team (with a few gaps) needs this summer.
Arsenal - 14/15 year olds, preferably French and cheap. Sell the odd star or two, preferably to a title contender.
Aston Villa - Operation keep Benteke.
Cardiff - ??????
Chelsea - who cares, Jose is back
Crystal Palace - Bring Zaha back
Everton - Keep Baines, keep Fellaini and another Mirallas or two would be nice
Fulham - ?????
Hull - anyone brave (stupid) enough to live in Hull
Liverpool - doesn't matter as they will become instantly world class within seconds of signing.
Man City - More Nastasic, less Sinclair
Man United - World class quality in midfield and up front. All on player plus £20m swap deals.
Newcastle - Gerard Depardieu, Jean Reno, Audrey Tautou and Francois Hallande. Just to maintain dressing room harmony
Norwich - can Holt resist the temptation of the A league over the prem?
Southampton - A gag for Cortese
Stoke - a new groundsman to lay grass in the middle of the ground. They haven't needed any for the past few years.
Sunderland - right wingers, right wingers and more right wingers. Left wingers not required by the manager
Swansea - another Michu, not too much to ask it it?
Tottenham - a) Bale stays - No players required b) Bale goes - new team required
West Brom - please stay Romelu