Review Tom Hickey (2019 - 2020)

[kane249]

Details
Number 16
Height 201cm
Weight 99kg
DOB 6-3-1991
Debut Round 22 Vs Adelaide 2011 (Gold Coast); Round 1 Vs Gold Coast 2013 (St Kilda); Round 1 Vs Brisbane 2019 (West Coast)

Player honours: -
Draft History: 2010 Queensland Zone Selection (Gold Coast); Traded with picks 25 and 46 for picks 13, 46 and 55 (St Kilda)

Previous clubs: -
Gold Coast 12 Games 5 Goals; St Kilda 67 Games 18 Goals

 

[CM9000]

The Hickster will be a force to be reckoned with this year. Vardy won't know what hit him when he's dropped midway through the year to make room for Nic.

 

[Miguel Sanchez]

Confirmed that Hickey will make his debut against Brisbane in the season-opener.

He'll be the 244th West Coast Eagle, as well as
- the fifth Tom (after Swift, Barrass, Cole and Lamb)
- the eighth player to appear in the #16 (after MacKenzie, Adkins, Prior, Symmons, Hepburn, Cormack and Annear)
- the seventh former Saint to appear for West Coast (after Cripps, Sierakowski, Dargie, Harding, Melesso and Phil Magic Narkle)
- the first former Gold Coast Sun to appear for West Coast
- the first ever Queenslander to appear for West Coast, amazingly after more than 30 years.

 

[CM9000]

Round 1: West Coast Vs Brisbane

Well, to kick of season 2019, the reigning premiers had to face up against a team that had half a year to plan their attack against the Hickster, and it was certainly something.

It seems that Brisbane decided to remove a piece of the ozone layer to make the weather on gameday practically impossible for talls, light 15 buses in various countries full of children on fire to distract the GOAT (it should be noted there was no actual danger to the kids, such scenarios became extinct in early 1991 when the Hickster was born), and attempt to bring Hitler back to life. Unfortunately, it seems to have worked, and the Lions won by 44 points:
Kicks: 2
Handballs: 0
Disposals: 2
Marks: 1
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs: 20
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 31

 

[CM9000]

Round 2: West Coast Vs A team without Josh Kelly in it (AKA GWS)

Greater Western Sydney came into Saturday's match reasonably confident. They had just smashed the drug cheats who, for some unknown reason, were considered a top 4 chance this year. Unfortunately for the Giants, 2 hours before their match started, the drug cheats had lost to St Kilda, a team coached by a man who will be sacked the instant he loses a game this season.

Free to now dominate, the Hickster unleashed his full might on the Giants. Highlights include a second and third quarter that caused half the stadium to collapse (which was subsequently rebuilt by the Hickster 3 seconds later), a goal that has already been awarded every single GOTY since 1979, and 3 Hicklows. Not votes, actual medals:
Kicks: 11
Handballs: 7
Disposals: 18
Marks: 8
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs 20
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 102

Really, it was a usual day in the office for the GOAT.

 

[CM9000]

Round 3: West Coast Vs The Colliwobbles

The grand final rematch. Only 12 months ago would this game have been seen with immense fear and reluctance - now, victory is seen as a given.

MCG? No worries, Dom Sheed will just fu** you up with 3 snags.

Jordan De Goey? No problem, Sheppard's hamstrings have been replaced with pure steel.

Given I'm doing this a couple months after the fact, and I was absolutely pissed while watching this game, I don't really remember how HickGod went. His stats seem to indicate that Brodie Grundy was actually tagging him (and with the Hickster, that requires supernatural powers and satanic rituals) along with the rest of the Colliwobbles midfield. That proved to be an advantage though, since it meant all our other players got off the leash.

Kicks: 5
Handballs: 7
Disposals: 12
Marks: 3
Tackles: 0
Hit Outs 7
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 45

Round 4: West Coast Vs Fremantle

This game was very cold, I remember that clearly, and it was also a godawful spectacle. Fremantle's ability to drag a team to their level and make them play sh*t is unmatched - or, any Ross Lyon coached team for that matter. Honestly, I'm unsure how Ross stays so focused with the AFLW team next door. All those budding young players must be distracting.

Anyway, the game was pretty terrible to watch. We got out to an early lead with a Petch goal out the back to cap off a five goal first quarter. Everything sort of flatlined after that; the Hickster actually had to possess Shannon Hurn in the backline to provide a BOG performance. Unfortunately, he wasn't awarded the Hicklenning-Hicklen Medal for his effort. Additionally, it also impacted his own game somewhat, in addition to being tagged.

Overall, Hickey won us the derby without being properly recognised.

Kicks: 7
Handballs: 6
Disposals: 13
Marks: 0
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs 21
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 56

Round 5: West Coast Vs Wet Weather (Port Adelaide)

Our game does not work in wet weather; that was proven by a team that we have mentally scarred over the past 4 years. This was pretty much the Essendon game from last year - we got jumped early, fell away, and we couldn't provide a proper fightback.

I was kinda pissed off (it was really like getting smashed by Freo, given Port are basically their SA equivalent). I needed a bit more fresh salt from the campaigners over on the Port board, but things don't always go your way. We'll fu** them over later in the year (maybe it will be Nic this time?).

The Hickster, this time, came up against traitor and absolute West Coast legend Scott Lycett. Slyce's contribution to our club have been massive, to say the least, so to see him playing for that sh*tstain of a team is cruelly disheartening. In terms of the game, it was a fair contest in the ruck, with it being somewhat evenly matched (tbh I'm embellishing this a bit because I still love Slyce, but he did use dirty tactics). We've thus far learnt from this game and burnt the tapes, but it definitely is annoying to be reminded of it.

Kicks: 6
Handballs: 3
Disposals: 9
Marks: 2
Tackles: 5
Hit Outs 17
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 62

Round 6: HickGod Vs Geelong

The Hickster was, as he has done time and again in his career, BOG. This time it was in a side that lost to Geelong by 50+ points at their home ground.

I didn't know what I was heading for with this game. I honestly thought it was 50/50 before the bounce, but I wasn't expecting a loss like that; I guess that's what you get when you've dedicated your gameplan to suit the MCG. Nevertheless, the only shining light was HickGod's domination - capped off with a classy left footer playing on from the mark 30 metres out.

The Hickster monstered Stanley and reminded everyone why is he is the GOAT.

Overall, other than HickGod, the game was atrocious, and to add insult to injury, Tom stuffed up his ankle and missed the next 5 weeks.

Kicks: 16
Handballs: 9
Disposals: 25
Marks: 7
Tackles: 5
Hit Outs: 32
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 141

 

[CM9000]

Well, that's the end of the year for HickGod. I'll be starting on match summaries for him today.

 

[CM9000]

Round 12: West Coast Vs Sydney:

After injuring himself carrying us on his shoulders against Geelong, HickGod missed 5 weeks. During that time, we only beat Fold Coast, St Kilda and the team we broke in the prelim last year (Melbourne) by under four goals each; this appeared to be both due to a lack of the Hickster and a short preseason, and things were looking quite gloomy. However, over the next two weeks, we beat Adelaide (while they were in good form, mind you) after being 35 goals down midway through the third quarter, and smashed a Bulldogs outfit that was suffering quite heavily from form issues.

As such, we had massive confidence going into the game against Sydney, and were looking at breaking a 20 year losing streak at the ground.

In the lead to the game, however, we lost our captain, best midfielder and best young talent to injury, which, at the time, might've proven too much even for HickGod to cover. And those concerns came to fruition, with a 45 point loss to a team missing 3 players in the third quarter. All this proved was the fact that we cannot, under any circumstances, play that shithole of a ground.

HickGod was held down by more supernatural tactics that broke the laws of physics (and, not to forget him, the presence of Vardy):
Kicks: 4
Handballs: 6
Disposals: 10
Marks: 2
Tackles: 1
Hit Outs: 22
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 51

fu** the SCG. The bye couldn't come quick enough.

Round 14: West Coast Vs The Drug Cheats:

Everyone hates Essendope, except Essenscum supporters. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves. Every superstitious supporter thought this was a danger game, due to the thrashing we copped last year that resulted in LeGod retiring (another sin to the list of reasons why the drug cheats belong in the fiery depths of hell). On form, though, we were the better team, and the end result went as everyone except ep2018 were expecting.

In the most inaccurate game since Nic took the 2015 MotY against Geelong, we beat Essendon by 35 points. The Hickster proved too much for the drug cheats, and, really, it really was a regulation win against Woosha's men:
Kicks: 7
Handballs: 11
Disposals: 18
Marks: 4
Tackles: 3
Hit Outs: 27
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 90

Without the Brownlow even taking place yet, it's safe to say the Hickster has the 3 votes in the bag.

Round 15: West Coast Vs Hawthorn:

Nic Naitanui's return proved to be our game for the year. In awful conditions, without Hutchings at half time, and at a ground we hadn't beaten Hawthorn at in nearly a decade, we pulled off a remarkable win with a goal with only second remaining. Cripps, Darling and especially Shuey the ******* Shue proved inspirational after Hawthorn regained the lead in the last quarter. On the stats, it looks like HickGod played a second fiddle to Nic, but that's not actually the case; it was the other way around. Like an inside midfielder that feeds the ball out to a highly skilled winger who goes on to score, Hickey did all the heavy lifting to allow Nic to truly shine in his comeback game. As such, the Hickster proved, once again, to be the GOAT, playing a selfless role for the Flying Fijian:
Kicks: 3
Handballs: 8
Disposals: 11
Marks: 1
Tackles: 7
Hit Outs: 20
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 76

Both Nic and HickGod proved to be a deadly combination, combining for 11 tackles and 62 hitouts in a match where we needed them most.

Round 16: West Coast Vs Fremantle:

Remember how the last derby was terrible? Well, the second one for the year, a Freo home game, proved to be our biggest smashing for the year.

In wet weather, Jarrod Cameron lit up like a firework in a display of his immense talent. Jamie Cripps ended up with four goals, and Nic and HickGod combined to monster a team that brought in a 36 year old monster for some reason. Honestly, before the game, I thought it would be close, but it was our most comprehensive performance of the year. The Freo board made for some great reading.

Anyway, HickGod, as he always does, was BOG:
Kicks: 5
Handballs: 6
Disposals: 11
Marks: 4
Tackles: 5
Hit Outs: 23
Goals: 2.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 81

Naitanui had the better highlights, but the Hickster had the bigger influence.

Round 17: West Coast Vs The Colliwobbles (but not this time):

1 point, one goddamn measly point. This was quite a good game to watch, and we dominated the first half, but 2 weeks of wet slogs and losing two player (Nic plus Hutch) proved too much. The Hickster might be worth an additional player, but the loss of those two, combined with the witchcraft Collingwood pulled to quell his influence, proved to be the deciding factor.

Nic was actually dominating Grundy before he went down, and it seems that's when Brodie decided to pull a cheap shot and literally shoot HickGod at halftime. I'm not kidding; Buckley gave Grundy a pistol, the Hickster went to the bathroom, Grundy followed him in somehow, HickGod saw him, and the Collingwood ruckman actually shot him. I don't know how Grundy got into our rooms, or who let him in, but he used bullets laced with Inland Taipan poisen (the most deadly snake in the world) or something. The Hickster wasn't the same afterwards, that's for certain.

Luckily for Grundy, he didn't get done for murder, since the Hickster has similar regenerative abilities to LeGod. Nevertheless, this proved quite decisive for a team that was playing for their season, and we lost by one point. A costly defeat, sure, but I don't think anyone was expecting what we were going to dish up against Hawthorn in round 23:
Kicks: 4
Handballs: 7
Disposals: 11
Marks: 3
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs: 14
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 58

Round 18: West Coast Vs Melbourne:

fu** Melbourne, and fu** the AFL for sending us to Alice Springs. We may be the reigning premiers, but send a goddamn Vic club there for once. Anyway, coming into this game, we needed to rebound off the loss to Collingwood. We set a new club record for indigenous players in a single team (5) when Frankish Watson was handed a debut. This was quite fitting for where we were playing, and it was good to see Watto finally show his wares.

It was a bit of a hot and cold game. Going into the match, Melbourne had no form, whatsoever. We should've smashed them, despite the enormous travel burden, but they proved to be plucky. They led at numerous points before back to back goals in the final term to Sheed and Yeo put the result beyond reach. This was also our first game without Nic as well, and HickGod was coming up against renowned Gilmore Girls fan Max Gawn. That was not a funny ad, Max, seriously.

Max pulled the same trick Grundy did, and HickGod was once again shot, this time in the head. It proved to be a massive obstacle for the Hickster, and Gawn won the ruck battle by the thinnest of margins.

Overall, bullshit tactics were used to bring the Hickster down again:
Kicks: 6
Handballs: 5
Disposals: 11
Marks: 2
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs: 20
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 57

Round 19: West Coast Vs Norf:

Lolnorf. The phrase invented on BF for a team that has proved to be a key source of hilarity for many AFL fans. This year, though, they had proved to be quite the foe after Brad Scott and the Norf management decided to "past ways". This was the trend for 2019; teams performing substantially better after sacking their coach. Alas, it seemed the reinvigoration brought by Rhyce Shaw was somewhat short lived, and Norf were smashed in one of our most complete performance for the year.

After calls of JK to retire, he responded with 7 goals on Robbie Tarrant, who is actually a gun defender. The entire team played quite well, and this was all led by another inspirational HickGod peformance:
Kicks: 6
Handballs: 8
Disposals: 13
Marks: 2
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs: 12
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 63

Although Goldstein had more hitouts and disposals, HickGod had the same number of CPs and actually hit the scoreboard. Overall, although the Hickster was somehow beaten in the ruck department, he offered more up forward.

Round 20: West Coast Vs A board of failing investors (AKA Carlton):

Carlton have been the worst team for the past 20 years. They haven't won a flag since 1995, and look nowhere near it for at least a while. They've rebuilt four times for literally no success, and they've shoplifted enough WA players to fill two teams. The reason for this? The salary cap.

The source of Carlton's entire success is their board of investors. Every single time they've won anything, it's because they're the team that threw the most money at someone. The introduction of the salary cap basically f’ed them over completely, but they still continue to to use the same methods has they have for decades.

And now they have a whole bunch of number 1 drafts picks, like in 2005-7 when they last rebuilt, and following the trend of sacked coaches and interim ones, David Teague has taken them to the promised land of out of last place.

Unfortunately, they have also been quite competitive after they f’ed Bolton off. Going into the game, I thought it would be a close one, and it proved to be somewhat. They led at quarter time, but we pulled away and led by 40 points in the final term. A couple bullshit goals to Nic Newman cut the margin, and the juicy percentage booster that it looked like being was only 0.4%. The Hawthorn game in the last round was the one that screwed us, though.

HickGod comprehensively beat GWS reject playing at Carlton #46, and we came out with a comfortable win:
Kicks: 7
Handballs: 12
Disposals: 19
Marks: 5
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs 23
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 83

 

[CM9000]

Round 21: West Coast Vs Adelaide:

We have been screwing over Adelaide since at least (someone correct me if I'm wrong) 2005. In those years, the mighty Crowbots sent fear into the hearts of all players throughout the competition with their monstrous and methodical way of dismatling teams. Then, when push came to shove, we f’ed them over with the greatest midfield of all time at their own home ground. Then, in 2016, we came up against them in the final round of the season, when they needed to win for a top 4 spot, and we smashed them as the form team of the comp. They came up against a Richmond team given a dickride by the AFL in 2017 and failed, while we came up against the Colliwobbles and won by less than a goal. In terms of team success, we've been more fortunate than them.

Nevertheless, I have immense respect for Adelaide after what they went through with Phil Walsh. They really are our SA counterparts, and did go B2B, which we have never managed in 3 decades. Plus, what we've done to Port more than makes up for us screwing them over so many times.

At the moment, though, they are self imploding.

Coming into this game, they needed to win to stay in touch with the top 8. I though we'd smash the fu** out of the, but to their credit, they provided a strong contest. The Hickster was beaten by Sam Jacobs in the ruck (I assume with some sort of black magic involved), but provided more around the ground:
Kicks: 8
Handballs: 7
Disposals: 15
Marks: 5
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs 24
Goals: 0.1
AFL Fantasy Score: 81

Overall, it was another BOG from HickGod.

Round 22: West Coast Vs At team that had 7 consective games at their home ground (AKA Richmond):

Richmond got 7 consecutive games at the MCG to finish their season, 4 against interstate clubs. That's right, 7, at their ******* home ground, in their own state. Because they had suffered so tremendously with a couple games at Etihad earlier in the year, the team that finished on top of the ******* table in 2018 got 7 consecutive games at the MCG.

It doesn't matter if some of the games are against teams that also play there; for a club that won the most games in 2018, a run like that to finish the season is actually cheating from the VFL. The only reason they're in a home prelim is because of that, and somehow no ones bats an eye. Even the thread I made on the MB long before it even begun was closed. Bloody ******* hell.

And to top it all off, 4 of those 7 are against ******* interstate clubs, in consecutive weeks, just to add salt to the wound.

Anyway, we we're the only team to come within a goal of them there during that run. It horrid conditions, we opened with the best football seen all year, then those f***ers dragged themselves into the contest and somehow won it.

The Hickster was tag teamed by Ivan Soldo and Chol, but he held his own, as he always does. It was another typical BOG performance again, despite both Richmond ruckman trying to break his neck:
Kicks: 7
Handballs: 4
Disposals: 11
Marks: 2
Tackles: 1
Hit Outs: 31
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 73

The only thing to say about this is fu** Richmond, fu** their self righteous muppets of supporters, and fu** what they represent. God I hate that club more than anything.

Round 23: West Coast Vs Hawthorn:

I though we'd come back from 7 goal down in the third quarter IMO, somehow. This game was a complete and utter travesty. Yet again, Clarko decided to destroy any joy other people could have by ruining our goddamn season, just like he kept Brendan Fevola from kicking 100 goals in 2008. God, what a terrible game.

It meant nothing in the end for them, and it just completely ruined us. Once again, burning school buses (who were subsequently saved by the Hickster while the game was on) and deals with the devil were used to distract HickGod:
Kicks: 5
Handballs: 10
Disposals: 15
Marks: 0
Tackles: 1
Hit Outs 20
Goals: 0.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 57

Thanks for ruining our season Sam. Appreciate it, even after we let you go home.

Finals Week 1: West Coast Vs The Drug Cheats V2:

For some reason, many on here thought that, yet again, this would be a danger game. We'd come up against an Essendope side that had thrashed us in the last. Alas, this proved to be a repeat of what happened earlier in the year.

In Nic's return from that bullshit injury that, in all likelihood, was the reason our season went to sh*t, we once again smashed the drug cheats. The team that everyone hates were completely overawed, once again, by the destructive and hauntingly beaufil combination of HickGod and Nic. A bit like Batman and Robin, HickGod and Naitanui destroyed Bellchambers in the ruck and wrecked havoc. Naitanui had a majestic takedown on Adam Saad, and Hickey did all the heavy lifting gto let Nic get off the leash:
Kicks: 4
Handballs: 2
Disposals: 6
Marks: 2
Tackles: 3
Hit Outs: 13
Goals: 0.1
AFL Fantasy Score: 40

It was a great day out for everyone. Additionally, HickGod was awarded the Tom Hickey Medal for the best player in the finals.

Finals Week 2: West Coast Vs Geelong:

Geelong fans think that a WA player shouldn't be allowed to nominate a club of their choice, and this somehow delegitimises their reasoning for why they want to go. And yet, when someone wants to come to Vic, they have no problem with them nominating a club.

Geelong lost all respect from me after how they dealt with Kelly in 2018, and I was looking forward to sending them out in straight sets. Unfortunately, Willie Rioli f’ed us massively, and that ultimately screwed us over. We still came from 35 points down to lead at half time, but the damage was already done - we ran out of legs, and Geelong kicked the last four goals of the game to win, delaying Tim Kelly's trade request.

I've pretty much got no interest in this finals series now that Brisbane are out. Luckily for the AFL, the Victorian teams are in.

HickGod was once again subjected to the dirty tactic of being shot, this time by Rhys Stanley. Fortunately, he still popped up to kick an important goal, courtesy of a bullshit fifity metre penalty. Overall, the Hickster was somewhat foiled by the tactics of a ******* in Chris Scott:
Kicks: 6
Handballs: 3
Disposals: 9
Marks: 3
Tackles: 2
Hit Outs: 12
Goals: 1.0
AFL Fantasy Score: 60

 

[CM9000]

HickGod did not play many games in 2020, and when he did, he got dropped the next week. As such, I didn’t update this thread as I would’ve liked to.

Now he’s gone to Sydney and my world has ended. Goodbye, HickGod, we’ll never see a player like you again.

 

[Ambrose Burnside]

A poor man's Jonathan Giles

Jonathan Giles

Age

33

Ht

201cm

Wt

101kg

Pos.

Ruck

Career

Season

Last 5

D

11.1

3star

K

7.3

3star

HB

3.9

3star

CL

3.3

5star

HO

23.1

5star

No current season stats available

D

13.4

4star

K

8.6

4star

HB

4.8

4star

CL

2.8

5star

HO

23.6

5star

.