- Aug 24, 2000
- 3,249
- 2,992
- AFL Club
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The St Kilda Football Club’s decision to sack Malcolm Blight as coach because he “failed to embrace the culture of the place” begs further analysis.
Clearly, a club should employ a coach that is suited to the culture of that club, although what that means obviously varies from club to club.
The following dossier provides clubs and coaches with a guide as to what they should look for in a potential football coaching “partnership”.
Adelaide: History shows that the only person suited to coaching the Crows is an ex-Geelong coach. This is primarily because the city of Adelaide is a bit like Geelong except with an earlier curfew. It would seem that a certain type of coach goes to Geelong to escape the excitement and bustle of Melbourne – and then goes to Adelaide to escape the excitement and bustle of Geelong. The only obvious candidate to be the next Crows coach is Mark Thompson.
Brisbane: Fluked a premiership? Move to Brisbane. Walls fluked one, Matthews fluked one … and Northey got the Tigers into the finals, arguably the biggest fluke of all! Having said that, Leigh Matthews has worked hard to instil a culture at Brisbane, a culture of respecting short, rotund men with silly moustaches. The next Lions coach could be either Boonie or Saddam Hussain.
Carlton: The Carlton Football club has a famous culture that any potential coach must embrace. No, I’m not talking about a culture of success, I’m talking about a culture of popping veins and wild-eyed crazy looks. Smashing phones and fits of rage go hand-in-hand in the Blues coaches box. The Monk Rasputin or even Beethoven would have made fine Carlton coaches.
Collingwood: It is easy to see why Micky Malthouse fails as a coach of the Pies. Amateur philosophy only works on someone with an attention span that’s at least slightly greater than a goldfish (no Rupert, you may NOT go to the little boys room). A Collingwood coach should forget about quoting Rommel and limit his comments to things that the players can understand like “At least the boys had a real dip” or making crook gags on “The Game”. Eddie McGuire should just swallow his pride and give Tony Shaw his old job back.
Essendon: Megolomania, come on down! – whoops, sorry … Censored because most Essendon supporters have nothing that vaguely resembles a sense of humour …
Fremantle: Do you hunger for success? Do you see your career going places? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions then don’t bother applying for a job here. The Dockers have turned “underachieving” into an art form that would make even the French Army blush. Who will be the next Freo coach? What’s Bronwyn Bishop doing these days?
Geelong: The African Pygmy Bushmen use craap to build a perfectly sturdy structure, which sounds a lot like what Bomber Thompson has done with the Cats. If you have the ability to fashion a house out of, say, Ben Graham or Cameron Mooney there may be a job for you at Kardinia Park.
Hawthorn: Easily excited? Weak heart? Welcome to Glenferrie, the most boring place in the known universe. At Hawthorn, they consider Trent Croad to be exciting, they get a buzz over Mark Graham. Hell, they even consider Daniel Harford “a bit wacky” because he has a haircut from the movie Grease. The next Hawthorn coach could well be a clay statue, and frankly we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Kangaroos: The defining feature of Kangaroos coaches over the past eight years is having a face like a smashed crab and a silly frizzy hairstyle. If Darren Gasper hasn’t retired from playing footy when Dennis Pagan leaves the Roos, then expect Macey Gray to get the job.
Melbourne: The Demons are by far the dawkiest club in the AFL, with a dawky board, dawky players led by a dawky Captain, and dawky supporters. Is it any wonder then that Neale Daniher fits in so well. And when he leaves, there are a whole tribe of dawky Danihers just lining up to take over.
Port Adelaide: Port players never listened to “Jack” Cahill, it was almost like his deep dulcet tones were outside the hearing range of “the Power” men. Then along comes Mark “Choco” Williams with that dreadful high-pitched falsetto voice of his, and suddenly they learn to play. Perhaps Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees could get the nod next time?
Richmond: Bartlett, Spraule, Walls, Northey, Gieschen – they all failed to cut it at the Tigers. What did they all have in common? Yes, that’s right, they all wore long-sleeved shirts. Danny Frawley, that high priest of high fashion, has proved that if you want to get anything at all out of the Richmond list you must wear daggy short-sleaved business shirts with a scruffy, off-centre necktie. Who’s next? Senator Ron Boswell maybe?
St Kilda: God knows?
Sydney: It would appear that a rugby state requires a rugby coach, and “Rocket” Rodney Eade has been perfect there because the abomination of a game the Swans play looks absolutely nothing like football. When the Swans do replace Eade, expect them to pick someone who revels in the ugliest possible spectacle. By the way, who is in charge of the Bulldogs Cheer squad these days?
West Coast Eagles: This year the Eagles are in a rebuilding phase, just like last year. Next year, expect the Eagles to be rebuilding from their rebuilding phase. And the year after that, and the year after that … They say Ken Judge is a coach that is a rebuilding specialist, and while he’s there you’d expect the Eagles to be in a constant state of rebuilding. I reckon what the Eagles need to do next year is more rebuilding.
Western Bulldogs: The Bulldogs play a “fair” brand of football – there is a “fair” chance you’ll be king hit and a “fair” chance you’ll get your eyes gouged out. Aside from that, a Bulldogs promise to pay their coach a “fair” salary, and there is a “fairly” good chance you’ll get paid some time in the next five years.
* another TT original
Clearly, a club should employ a coach that is suited to the culture of that club, although what that means obviously varies from club to club.
The following dossier provides clubs and coaches with a guide as to what they should look for in a potential football coaching “partnership”.
Adelaide: History shows that the only person suited to coaching the Crows is an ex-Geelong coach. This is primarily because the city of Adelaide is a bit like Geelong except with an earlier curfew. It would seem that a certain type of coach goes to Geelong to escape the excitement and bustle of Melbourne – and then goes to Adelaide to escape the excitement and bustle of Geelong. The only obvious candidate to be the next Crows coach is Mark Thompson.
Brisbane: Fluked a premiership? Move to Brisbane. Walls fluked one, Matthews fluked one … and Northey got the Tigers into the finals, arguably the biggest fluke of all! Having said that, Leigh Matthews has worked hard to instil a culture at Brisbane, a culture of respecting short, rotund men with silly moustaches. The next Lions coach could be either Boonie or Saddam Hussain.
Carlton: The Carlton Football club has a famous culture that any potential coach must embrace. No, I’m not talking about a culture of success, I’m talking about a culture of popping veins and wild-eyed crazy looks. Smashing phones and fits of rage go hand-in-hand in the Blues coaches box. The Monk Rasputin or even Beethoven would have made fine Carlton coaches.
Collingwood: It is easy to see why Micky Malthouse fails as a coach of the Pies. Amateur philosophy only works on someone with an attention span that’s at least slightly greater than a goldfish (no Rupert, you may NOT go to the little boys room). A Collingwood coach should forget about quoting Rommel and limit his comments to things that the players can understand like “At least the boys had a real dip” or making crook gags on “The Game”. Eddie McGuire should just swallow his pride and give Tony Shaw his old job back.
Essendon: Megolomania, come on down! – whoops, sorry … Censored because most Essendon supporters have nothing that vaguely resembles a sense of humour …
Fremantle: Do you hunger for success? Do you see your career going places? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions then don’t bother applying for a job here. The Dockers have turned “underachieving” into an art form that would make even the French Army blush. Who will be the next Freo coach? What’s Bronwyn Bishop doing these days?
Geelong: The African Pygmy Bushmen use craap to build a perfectly sturdy structure, which sounds a lot like what Bomber Thompson has done with the Cats. If you have the ability to fashion a house out of, say, Ben Graham or Cameron Mooney there may be a job for you at Kardinia Park.
Hawthorn: Easily excited? Weak heart? Welcome to Glenferrie, the most boring place in the known universe. At Hawthorn, they consider Trent Croad to be exciting, they get a buzz over Mark Graham. Hell, they even consider Daniel Harford “a bit wacky” because he has a haircut from the movie Grease. The next Hawthorn coach could well be a clay statue, and frankly we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
Kangaroos: The defining feature of Kangaroos coaches over the past eight years is having a face like a smashed crab and a silly frizzy hairstyle. If Darren Gasper hasn’t retired from playing footy when Dennis Pagan leaves the Roos, then expect Macey Gray to get the job.
Melbourne: The Demons are by far the dawkiest club in the AFL, with a dawky board, dawky players led by a dawky Captain, and dawky supporters. Is it any wonder then that Neale Daniher fits in so well. And when he leaves, there are a whole tribe of dawky Danihers just lining up to take over.
Port Adelaide: Port players never listened to “Jack” Cahill, it was almost like his deep dulcet tones were outside the hearing range of “the Power” men. Then along comes Mark “Choco” Williams with that dreadful high-pitched falsetto voice of his, and suddenly they learn to play. Perhaps Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees could get the nod next time?
Richmond: Bartlett, Spraule, Walls, Northey, Gieschen – they all failed to cut it at the Tigers. What did they all have in common? Yes, that’s right, they all wore long-sleeved shirts. Danny Frawley, that high priest of high fashion, has proved that if you want to get anything at all out of the Richmond list you must wear daggy short-sleaved business shirts with a scruffy, off-centre necktie. Who’s next? Senator Ron Boswell maybe?
St Kilda: God knows?
Sydney: It would appear that a rugby state requires a rugby coach, and “Rocket” Rodney Eade has been perfect there because the abomination of a game the Swans play looks absolutely nothing like football. When the Swans do replace Eade, expect them to pick someone who revels in the ugliest possible spectacle. By the way, who is in charge of the Bulldogs Cheer squad these days?
West Coast Eagles: This year the Eagles are in a rebuilding phase, just like last year. Next year, expect the Eagles to be rebuilding from their rebuilding phase. And the year after that, and the year after that … They say Ken Judge is a coach that is a rebuilding specialist, and while he’s there you’d expect the Eagles to be in a constant state of rebuilding. I reckon what the Eagles need to do next year is more rebuilding.
Western Bulldogs: The Bulldogs play a “fair” brand of football – there is a “fair” chance you’ll be king hit and a “fair” chance you’ll get your eyes gouged out. Aside from that, a Bulldogs promise to pay their coach a “fair” salary, and there is a “fairly” good chance you’ll get paid some time in the next five years.
* another TT original
