Urgent Coaches' Meeting - TRANSCRIPT

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(Steven Trigg and Phil Harper are seated at the board table. Neil enters.)

Neil Craig: Hi guys.

Steven Trigg: Hello Neil.

Phil Harper: Neil.

Steven Trigg: Just waiting on the other coaches, then we’ll get started.

Phil Harper: (reading newspaper) Norwood won again.

Neil Craig: Did they?

Phil Harper: Yep, they’re really flying.

Neil Craig: Good to hear.

Phil Harper: Bass, eh? He’s really got them playing some good football. You seen them play, Neil?

Neil Craig: No. Haven’t had a chance yet.

Phil Harper: Yep. Had a stack of players drafted and he’s still producing the goods.

Neil Craig: Bully for him. Tough day, Steven? You look knackered.

Steven Trigg: Yeah a nightmare. The phone and email have been going crazy all day. Quite a few disgruntled fans out there.

Neil Craig: What are they saying?

Steven Trigg: Oh, the usual. Sack Craig… We need a football coach, not a scientist…Appoint Bassett now... Ah, here we are.

(Scott Camporeale, Mark Bickley, Matthew Clarke and Ben Hart enter)

Steven Trigg: Righto, let’s get started.

Neil Craig: What do you mean ‘the usual’?

Steven Trigg: Gentlemen… I don’t want to call this a crisis meeting as I know it’s only early days but… what is going on? A month ago I thought everything was on track. Now it’s panic stations.

Neil Craig: Did you see the Hawthorn game?

Steven Trigg: Yeah, I did. But the last two weeks have been awful. I’m really worried that if we don’t turn things around immediately we could be looking at 2010 all over again. We’ve got Gold Coast here on a Saturday afternoon soon. The crowd could be embarrassing.

Neil Craig: Everyone just has to remain calm. Yes it was a disappointing result on the weekend but it was just one game. We had two kids on debut, we’re at sixes and sevens at the moment with injuries…

Steven Trigg: Neil, I’ve really staked my reputation on your performance. I’ve gone into bat for you… now I’m copping heat from everywhere. The members, the public, the media, the Board… help me out here! I’ve got to admit… I’m starting to lose a little faith. Tell me we’re still on the right track.

Neil Craig: I’m not too worried. Pretty predictable reaction after a Showdown loss. What people forget is that Showdowns are 50/50 games. Always have been.


Steven Trigg: This one wasn’t 50/50. We were red hot favourites, Port hadn’t won a game and they’d dropped some of their best players.

Phil Harper: Cornes out. Pearce out. Cassisi and Schulz injured… I’m just saying, Neil.

Steven Trigg: And they’re rubbish even with those guys. Why did you call them a powerful side, Neil? It sounded ridiculous. If Port is a powerhouse, then so are 16 other teams.

Neil Craig: It just slipped out. So did ‘bulldozed.’ I don’t know what I was thinking. Bulldozed by noodle-arm Westhoff (rolls eyes). It’s why I don’t like to ad lib too much in my press conferences. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I prefer to stick to 3 or 4 standard lines and just repeat them. Much safer that way.

Phil Harper: Yeah, we’ve noticed.

Steven Trigg: And what’s all this stuff about a Plan B? Why don’t we have one?

Phil Harper: Steven, we can’t execute one game plan, let alone two.

Neil Craig: We’ve got a Plan B anyway.

Phil Harper: That’s right, we do. It’s a bit hush-hush though.

Steven Trigg: What, Dangerfield to the goal square?

Phil Harper: Damn… not so secret after all.

Steven Trigg: And what the heck was going on with that training session? Two days out from a Showdown and we’ve got the mini ambulance carting half our players off to hospital.

Neil Craig: Mountain out of a mole hill, Steven. It was just a normal training session.

Steven Trigg: Well everyone I’ve spoken to says that it was a really tough session.

Neil Craig: I wouldn’t say tough was the right description. It was more…

Phil Harper: Spirited?

Neil Craig: No, no.

Scott Camporeale: Ferocious?

Ben Hart: Savage?

Neil Craig: Guys-

Mark Bickley: Vicious?

Matthew Clarke: Violent?

Neil Craig: Can you knock it off? Steven, it was just a normal training session, nothing unusual about it. Anyway, the players instigated it.

Steven Trigg: Instigated what?

Neil Craig: The… err… normal training session.

Steven Trigg: The players have to specially request a normal training session?

Ben Hart: I can back Neil up here. It was nothing out of the ordinary. All Neil’s training sessions are like that.

Steven Trigg: Like what?

Ben Hart: You know… really intense… brutal… lots of injuries.

Steven Trigg: What?!

Neil Craig: (under breath) Thanks, Benny. Steven, let me explain. If we’re going to get anything out of our training sessions they have to be at finals intensity. Otherwise how does it prepare the players?

Steven Trigg: I don’t know Neil… what are we preparing them for if they aren’t going to get on the park? And what now? We’ve had what sounds like a pretty intense training session and followed it with a very mediocre performance. Where do we go from here?

Mark Bickley: That’s easy… what we always do. Crank it up a notch! Right, Neil?

Neil Craig: We don’t always do that.

Mark Bickley: We don’t?

Ben Hart: Since when?

Neil Craig: Steven – forget the training session. The bottom line is that we’ve got a very young team. You’re never going to replace McLeod, Burton, Hentschel, Goodwin and Edwards overnight. There is always going to be a drop off.

Steven Trigg: But you said that we’d done the succession planning. I thought you said that if we just kept picking our best 22 then we’d create a culture that would mean we didn’t need to fast track any kids. How did you describe it, Neil…?

Phil Harper: He said it would be a ‘seamless transition.’

Neil Craig: Well, I didn’t realise Matt Rendell was going to draft 50 talls to replace our ageing midfield did I? I just don’t think it’s the time to over-react here. We don’t want to jump at shadows. It’s one game!


Steven Trigg: When should we react? 1-4? 1-6?


Phil Harper: 1-4 I reckon. When we’re 1-6 that will be way too late. Who knows if Neil will still be coaching then anyway?

Steven Trigg: Well I’m pretty sure he will be.


Neil Craig: Hang on – it isn’t going to be 1-4 or 1-6 because I’m confident we will turn things around, starting with this weekend.

Steven Trigg: Speaking of this weekend… Blues away. Tough one. They’ve been travelling pretty well. Are we a chance?

Scott Camporeale: I’m not too worried about Carlton.

Steven Trigg: Really? Those small forwards of theirs are on fire. What about Garlett?

Scott Camporeale: Not fussed about him.

Steven Trigg: Jarrad Waite?

Scott Camporeale: Stinks.

Steven Trigg: Chris Judd?

Scott Camporeale: Judd Schmudd.

Steven Trigg: Well… you’re sounding confident, I’ll give you that. What about you guys on game day?
Neil, is it time for you to go back up to the coaches box?

Assistant Coaches: No!

Steven Trigg: What… you don’t want Neil up there?

Ben Hart: Umm… it’s not that.

Matthew Clarke: We just… worked out last season that it would function better with Neil down on the boundary. He kinda… stifles discussion up in the box.

Steven Trigg: Well, what I’m hearing is that the players don’t want you down on the bench looking over their shoulders either.

Phil Harper: So what are we going to do?

Steven Trigg: Well, did that down-the-ground box ever get installed?

Phil Harper: That’s a point. Could we park you up there?

Neil Craig: Perhaps I could just sit in the car? After the game you can tell me who won.

Scott Camporeale: Who’ll remind the players that we need to stick to our structures?

Ben Hart: And who’ll do the press conference?

Phil Harper: Actually the press conference isn’t that big a deal. Really it’s just reading out those 3 or 4 lines, isn’t it?

Neil Craig: Stop it! I was joking, you know? I’m sick of listening to you guys. I’m the head coach. From now on I’ll sit where I damn well please. Stifles discussion… please! What discussion was that, Matty? (mimicking) Neil, I can’t get my head phones to work… Neil, do I have time to go to the toilet before the siren… Neil, let’s give Griffin a go

Steven Trigg: What about your trip? Did you learn anything there that can help us?


Neil Craig: What trip?


Steven Trigg: The US one.


Neil Craig: Huh…? Oh yeah, the trip! Sorry. Ahem. Is there anything that can help us. Let me see. Well…

Steven Trigg: Anything?

Neil Craig: Well, it reaffirmed a lot of my beliefs.

Steven Trigg: Yeah, yeah, we know all that. But was there anything we can actually use?

Neil Craig: Yes, yes. I think there was. Bicks, what was that thing I was telling you about when I got back? You remember…?

Mark Bickley: Umm… the Grand Canyon?

Neil Craig: No-

Mark Bickley: That roller coaster at Disneyland?

Neil Craig: Bicks! (Neil makes throat slashing gesture)

Scott Camporeale: I’m surprised you were tall enough to ride the roller coaster, Neil!

Steven Trigg: Anything you learned that can get us through this?


Neil Craig: I’ll have to check my notes, Steven.

Steven Trigg: Phil, how much did that trip cost us again?

Neil Craig: No, wait! There was definitely one thing. One of the NFL set plays I looked at… might just do the trick now that I think of it… picked it up when I watched the Lakers.

Steven Trigg: Maybe you can reaffirm your beliefs in Adelaide this year?

Phil Harper: Would definitely be cheaper.

Steven Trigg: And what about our line coaches? Matty – has Ivan Maric ever played worse? And Benny, what’s going on in that forward line? Kurt and Taylor are in each other’s hip pocket. No one’s leading. And we still don’t seem to have any crumbers. What have you been working on?

Ben Hart: Umm… we’ve just been, you know… getting back to winning the contested ball. Errr… working on our fierce competitiveness. Ahhh… continuing to be very demanding in that area. And umm… oh, yeah – there’ll be no backing off.

Steven Trigg: But what actual forward line structures or plans have you been working on?

Ben Hart: Umm… Neil?

Neil Craig: Steven, all the structures, plans and personnel are meaningless unless you have that consistent, fierce determination and intensity.

Steven Trigg: Surely you need some tactics?

Neil Craig: Nope. Intensity is the only thing.

Steven Trigg: It can’t all come down to intensity. What about our field kicking? Our tackling? Our clearance set ups? Our kick outs? Our zone? Our forward structure?

Neil Craig: Not important.

Steven Trigg: I can’t believe it.

Neil Craig: It’s true. And the players agree. The game plan was their idea. So blame them if it’s not working.

Steven Trigg: It’s always the players’ fault, isn’t it Neil?


Neil Craig: Yes. Yes it is.

Steven Trigg: Righto… let’s move on. How’s Stevo?

Neil Craig: Struggling. Might even have to retire. Can’t concentrate. Can’t think.

Phil Harper: Perhaps a job as an assistant coach then?

Steven Trigg: Ha!

(Assistant coaches exchange worried glances)

Steven Trigg: Neil, I’m beginning to wonder if this lifetime deal is really working. I thought it would head off speculation about your contract renewal but instead the question is just going to keep bubbling away every week. At least with a contract you could sign it, bang, move on. Put all the speculation to bed. Things have gone from bad to worse ever since we signed that deal.

Neil Craig: Look – it’s not all my fault. There are other things at play here.

Phil Harper: Injuries?

Neil Craig: Yes, but I’m not blaming injuries. We have to continue to be very demanding of the playing group. We did have a lot out though, didn’t we? I mean, give me Collingwood’s injury run any day of the week! But just because Porplyzia, Mackay, Sloane, Stevens, Doughty, Davis, Jacobs, Petrenko, Shaw and Talia are all out is no excuse. How many players is that by the way? Ten? I’m not blaming them but it does seem a lot-

Steven Trigg: Why on earth are we getting so many injuries anyway? Are we training them too hard? It can’t all be bad luck.

Neil Craig: Yes it can.

Steven Trigg: Neil, c’mon. It’s been two years in a row. Is it something we’re doing wrong?

Neil Craig: No, it’s just bad luck. But there is an elephant sitting in the room here.

Phil Harper: D Jars is here? I didn’t see him come in.

Neil Craig: No! The review.

Steven Trigg: What about it?

Neil Craig: What do you mean what about it? Isn’t it obvious? The preseason has left us short of fitness… did you see us after half time? We can’t run out a game. I hate to say ‘I told you so’ but the review has cost us big time. And I warned you it would happen.

Steven Trigg: Neil, c’mon. We ran out the Hawthorn game fine. And against Fremantle it was the start that stuffed us. Neil, we have to face reality here. If things keep going as they are a midseason sacking could be on the cards. We’d all hate to see it happen but losing matches is never tolerated in this business.

Neil Craig: Well I’ve been in this business a long time and let me tell you, midseason sackings are definitely a bad idea. They never end well.

Steven Trigg: Didn’t you get the job after a midseason sacking, Neil?

Phil Harper: You’re right, they never end well!

Steven Trigg: Ha! You’re on fire today, Phil.

Neil Craig: Hmph, I wouldn’t say that. Did you hear the zinger I told earlier in the rooms? Bicks asked about Luke Thompson and said “isn’t he carrying an ankle?’ And I said ‘yes, at the end of his leg!’

(Mark Bickley and Neil Craig wet themselves laughing)

Neil Craig: (wipes away a tear) It’s never so grim that you can’t use a little humour.

Steven Trigg: No one else is laughing, Neil. It’s a serious situation we’re in.

Neil Craig: Gee, there’s a real negative vibe around the place at the moment. We’ve got to be really strong as club leaders. We can’t have the people within the club turning on each other. We get enough pressure from outside. Everything I’m hearing is about apportioning blame, finding scapegoats, working out who’s at fault… How about some positives? C’mon, I want to hear one positive from everyone in the room. Bicks – you got one?

Mark Bickley: Umm… Porps is only going to miss 18 weeks, not 20 like we thought.

Neil Craig: (rolls eyes) Right. What others?

Matthew Clarke: Brad Moran is fit again.

Neil Craig: Come on! Surely we can do better than this?

Phil Harper: We don’t have to face the Port Bulldozers again until Round 19.

Neil Craig: Shut up, Phil.

Ben Hart: We might get a better draft pick this year?

Neil Craig: (sighs)

Ben Hart: You’re always complaining… no top ten picks… (trails away)

Neil Craig: Slim pickings boys. Any others?

Steven Trigg: Juicy Fruit are interested in a new sponsorship deal.

Neil Craig: Juicy Fruit? It loses its flavor too quickly.

Steven Trigg: That’s because you chew too vigorously. It’s not the gum’s fault. Can’t you give it a chance?

Neil Craig: I prefer PK, Steven. I’m sorry, Steven. I know the bottom line’s important but I’m not going to sell out.

Steven Trigg: You’re a man of principle, Neil. That’s what I love about you. Oh, who am I kidding! I’m not going to sack you, no matter how many games you lose! I’m sorry about all the negativity. It’s the Board. They made me ask those questions. They just can’t see how great everything really is. I do still have faith in you. Can we please be friends again?

Neil Craig: You had me at hello.

(Neil Craig and Steven Trigg fall into a teary embrace)

Steven Trigg: I love you, Neil!

Neil Craig: I love you, Steven!

Scott Camporeale: Umm… should we leave?
 

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BACCS

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#2
Neil Craig: Hmph, I wouldn’t say that. Did you hear the zinger I told earlier in the rooms? Bicks asked about Luke Thompson and said “isn’t he carrying an ankle?’ And I said ‘yes, at the end of his leg!’

(Mark Bickley and Neil Craig wet themselves laughing)

Neil Craig: (wipes away a tear) It’s never so grim that you can’t use a little humour.
Gold Carl, absolute gold!:D
 

cammo84

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#7
Steven Trigg: Neil, c’mon. It’s been two years in a row. Is it something we’re doing wrong?

Neil Craig: No, it’s just bad luck. But there is an elephant sitting in the room here.

Phil Harper: D Jars is here? I didn’t see him come in.
Genuinely LOL'd at this bit.
 

spudmaster

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#8
Top effort, Carl :thumbsu:

One of the funniest things I've read in a long time, and I'm sure I only get a fraction of the jokes compared to the Crows supporters as well!

Neil Craig: Yes, yes. I think there was. Bicks, what was that thing I was telling you about when I got back? You remember…?

Mark Bickley: Umm… the Grand Canyon?

Neil Craig: No-

Mark Bickley: That roller coaster at Disneyland?

Neil Craig: Bicks! (Neil makes throat slashing gesture)
LMAO!!!!!
Oh mate, this is getting better with each line! Only a third through it as well hahaha. You have to send this to a publisher, too good not to.

Edit:
Finally finished.
Mate, simply brilliant. Kudos :thumbsu:
Best read I've had in a while.
 

crowmyzone

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#11
It was like Adelaides last game Carl...
Long tedious and bereft of punchlines (read idea)

Nah but it was long, I mean good.


Neil Craig: We’ve got a Plan B anyway.

Phil Harper: That’s right, we do. It’s a bit hush-hush though.
:thumbsu:

If it a bit hush-hush why am Im sick of ****ing hearin' about it.:thumbsdown:





We need to move on to less handball, guts at the ball and straight goalkicking.
 

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