What is the best joke you've ever heard?

[BomberGal]

OK, I'm pretty sick of hearing original, non-funny jokes all the time....I want to hear what everyone's all time favourite joke is! Personally, mine would be:

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ****ing potatoes!"

There's also this one, even though Clinton isn't president anymore...

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

And this:
There are 100 nuns and a head nun. One afternoon, the head nun calls a meeting.
"Ladies, we have a serious matter. Last night, a man was seen leaving the premises."
99 nuns gasp. One whispers "hehehe."
"This morning, a used condom was found in one of the bins."
99 nuns gasp. One whispers "hehehe."
"A hole was found in the condom."
One nun gasps. 99 nuns go "hehehe."

 

[Darky]

If Easty's "G a y George" joke got the tree-huggers howling, I'm not posting my joke

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Blue is the colour of healing - Music is the crystallised emotion - Flow with the Force

 

[Frodo]

I like the Nun one best

My favourite funny was not a joke but was on a chat show with David Frost, if you remeber him.
He interviewed a Polish fighter pilot who was with the RAF in world war two. You need to imagine the polish guys accent was quite pronounced. They talked about airbattles when the Polish pilot said " Unt suddenly from behind a cloud came this Focker"

Frost laughed and jumped in Saying ' ladies and gentlemen I must point out that a Fockke was a german aircraft used during the war"

to which the pilot replied " Ya, but dis focker vos a messerscmit"

 

[Darky]

Here's a clean one but an absolute shocker...Sheriff walks into a quiet saloon bar in the wild west:
"Folks, I'm looking for a wanted criminal known as the Paper Bag Kid" he says..."Any of you seen or heard of him?".

"What does he look like Sheriff?" asks the bartender.

"Well, on his legs, he wears two long paper bags. On his body, one big paper bag. On his arms, two paper bags, and on his head, one paper bag with two eye-holes cut into it".

The bartender replies "No Sheriff, he definitely hasn't been around these parts, no sir! But why are you looking for him - what has he been doing wrong?"


"Rustlin'"




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Blue is the colour of healing - Music is the crystallised emotion - Flow with the Force

 

[Darky]

An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load
his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and
struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look
at the size of that f*cker!" The priest exclaims "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please
you mind your language?"
The fisherman, thinking quickly replied "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a f*cker!"
The priest says "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big f*cker" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f*cker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this f*cker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

Bishop: "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a
f*cker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that f*cker tonight."

Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of
them, and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the f*cker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the f*cker!"
Mother Superior: "And I cooked the f*cker!"

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a joint, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You c**ts are all-right."

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Blue is the colour of healing - Music is the crystallised emotion - Flow with the Force

 

[Mags]

The new English teacher took her 1st class. "Give me a word starting with A" She said.
"Arseholes!" said little Johnny proudly.
Ignoring his remark, she continued, "Now give a word starting with B."
Bastard, "Came the answer from Freddy.
She Gave C A Miss and moved on too D.
"Drawf," said little Cameron.
With a sigh of relief she asked him to explain what a drawf was.
"A little c*** about 30cms tall" Said Cameron

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How can u tell if a politcian is lying?

His Lips Are Moving!
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Mags

[This message has been edited by Mags (edited 22 January 2001).]

 

[Frodo]

Brunette goes to doctors.
She says she hurts all over.
Doctor says show me where it hurts.
She touches her head and howls
She touches her leg and howls
She touches her arm and howls.

MMM, says the doctor, you're no t really a brunette aye you?

No she says

Doc " You have a broken finger"

 

[homework_boy]

I love that joke Mags. You could have chosen a joke out of over a million and you chose one like that! Shows your stupid sence of humor

 

[eastaugh36]

nothing will beat my joke on ****y george !

 

[ShAdOw]

Who is ****y George?

 

[Mobbs]

I loved Darky's 'Rustlin' joke!

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Bloke drivin' home with missus in passenger seat. Sees police light flash behind him.

'Damn, my seat belt!' He attaches seatbelt post haste.

Copper pulls him over, leans in window, and tells him he's booked for not wearing his seat belt.

Bloke argues, 'I AM wearing it, look, its on me now.'

'Nope, mate, you just put it on a minute ago as I was pulling you over.'

'I swear I had it on. Look, ask the wife. She'll back me up.'

Copper looks at the bloke's missus. 'What do YOU think, lady?'

Wife says 'Oh gee, officer, I agree with hubby. I don't like to argue with him when he's been drinking.'

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Hallowed be thy Roy

 

[Same Old's]

Collingwood supporters.