xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage
You guys know how we take the wee out of the Fast and the Furious films, in particular Fate of the Furious, when I guess really they aren't that bad, they just are what they are? Well this film IS that bad, it isn't what it wants to be, and not even crossing in to so bad it's good territory. There are about two scenes in the entire movie that display an acceptable level of film making, probably not a coincidence they're the only two with Samuel L Jackson. The action and stunts can be rather incredible in that popcorn way, but unfortunately, unlike those FnF flicks, the scenes between don't hold anything together at all. It's just shit. Bad writing, bad acting, bad story... it goes on and on. It's rarely exciting, it's rarerer funny, it certainly isn't engaging, and there's not a single memorable, original character. Some dot points;
- Vin Diesel clearly taking the gay rumours to heart. He bangs a dozen birds in the first few minutes and thereafter not a single women in the entire can resist hitting on him and making sexual innuendo toward him.
- PG-13 banging that is. Lots of sexualised content here but no nudity. Same goes for the action. Hundreds of people getting shot and cleanly falling down without spilling any fluids.
- WTF is Toni Colette doing in this mess?
- I guess she's the Charlize Theron role. The plot and general structure does really steal a lot from Fate of the Furious, but like, awfully.
- Some soccer player who isn't Messi or Ronaldo. WHY?!
- Vin Diesel seems to be at peace with not making any decent pictures for the rest of his working life.
There isn't enough grog in the world and/or beautiful women in the world to make sitting through this again a worthwhile decision/10