Will she please shut up

[arrowman]

Shrug, if this wasn't a public forum I'd show you mine But I don't kid myself that that's common; my lawyer mates look at me like some sort of freak. Seriously, my ex and I are proud of the way we handled it.

Oh, FFS - Look at me. I need footy. Now.

 

[Stiffy_18]

Oh, FFS - Look at me. I need footy. Now.

I won't argue with that mate

 

[noddy]

Oh, FFS - Look at me. I need footy. Now.

Don't we all arrowman


& the sooner the better.

 

[PAfolwr]

All this marital stuff and people taking sides has to come to an end.
Time for another joke session.

What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen, screaming at you, just because you are watching the footy?

















Time to buy a shorter chain.

 

[noddy]

All this marital stuff and people taking sides has to come to an end.
Time for another joke session.

What does it mean when your wife comes out of the kitchen, screaming at you, just because you are watching the footy?


Time to buy a shorter chain.

Not bad PA, but can you put the beer can one up as i don't think too many on this board have seen it yet ??

 

[PAfolwr]

Not bad PA, but can you put the beer can one up as i don't think too many on this board have seen it yet ??

Haa.
You're trying to get the girls on this board against me as well.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

















None. It should already be open when she brings it to you.

 

[NikkiNoo]

What should you give a man who has everything?














A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

 

[macca23]

Did anybody hear Gary Ayres on 5AA tonight??

He categorically stated that he had never had an issue with Andrew, and that Rachael's articles were full of untruths.

However, I think he has missed one crucial point. I'm sure that she said that Andrew had an issue with Ayres, not the other way round.

However he did say that her article was full of untruths. It will be interesting to see if either or neither take legal action against the other, as they are both damaging the credibility of each other.

In fairness to Ayres, I thought he spoke well tonight, and to his credit refused to be drawn into any criticism of the club for getting rid of him.

 

[PAfolwr]

What should you give a man who has everything?














A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Hehe.
I was waiting for the old

How do you turn a Stallion into a pig joke.

 

[Stiffy_18]

Did anybody hear Gary Ayres on 5AA tonight??

He categorically stated that he had never had an issue with Andrew, and that Rachael's articles were full of untruths.

However, I think he has missed one crucial point. I'm sure that she said that Andrew had an issue with Ayres, not the other way round.

However he did say that her article was full of untruths. It will be interesting to see if either or neither take legal action against the other, as they are both damaging the credibility of each other.

In fairness to Ayres, I thought he spoke well tonight, and to his credit refused to be drawn into any criticism of the club for getting rid of him.

Yep, I heard it.

Got to give credit to Ayresy. He has never given any comments regarding his departure from Adelaide. I thought he handled himself very well just as he has last year prior to AFC and himself parting company.

 

[NikkiNoo]

that's one of the things that impressed me with ayres from the start was him always refering to "we" as in the club

 

[noddy]

All this marital stuff and people taking sides has to come to an end.
Time for another joke session.

Please excuse my feeble attempt at joke telling but it's the best i can come up with.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN.

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

 

[Stiffy_18]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

Its funny cos its true

 

[jc67]

* Yesterday scientists in New Zealand revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.


* How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan!

* Why do women have small feet? - So they can get closer to the sink!

 

[NikkiNoo]

all right that's it! read on if you dare!

My favourite is magazines (cause it's so true!)

Women Speak in Estrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone
Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Nigel Smart's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic or a wanna be rap artist

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

 

[PAfolwr]

all right that's it! read on if you dare!


A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

What's so funny about these?

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

 

[PAfolwr]

As soon as you get to like a woman she starts nagging.

Go on, tell me your name. C'mon, what's your real name.

 

[PAfolwr]

...A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
...

Not to mention that if you say anything about that ..........

 

[NikkiNoo]

What's so funny about these?

how true are they in your case?

what scares me a little is that some of those can be reveresed in the case of my boyfriend and I!!!

ps never really got the 'going to the toliet together' bit with females! maybe I'm just weird

 

[Crow-mosone]

Nikki,

why don't you tell us which ones you actually think are true?

 

[PAfolwr]

how true are they in your case?
...

Let's just say that sticks and stones but truth ........
Not the bit about the kids though.

...what scares me a little is that some of those can be reveresed in the case of my boyfriend and I!!!

ps never really got the 'going to the toliet together' bit with females! maybe I'm just weird

I shared a house with a friend once who (she) was like that as well.
At times the only thing in the house for breakfast would have been oatmeal soap.
However, all the parties were at our place.

 

[- PC -]

ps never really got the 'going to the toliet together' bit with females! maybe I'm just weird

That leads me towards a comedic line I want to develop


Whats the worst thing a man can have happen when going to the toilet?

Feeling a warm seat

 

[NikkiNoo]

Nikki,

why don't you tell us which ones you actually think are true?

here comes the list!

relationships (except when cheated on and i may have got on with my life but still fuming over it years later but will never call or talk to the ****************)
sex
maturity
magazines
bathrooms (although opposite in my case - i am amazed how long boys spend on their hair now and mine is long but he still takes longer!)
groceries
low blows
laundry (again almost opposite in my case)
telephone
locker room talk
movies
jewelry
time
conversation

 

[NikkiNoo]

It really came home to me that in our relationship I'm the boy & he's the girl when we were shopping in Ikea (the land of arguements! you are guarateed an arguement between a couple whenever you venture in) I noticed that I was standing in the aile leaning on the shopping trolley waiting for my boy to finish browsing and all the other people doing the same thing as me where the males in the relationships!!

 

[Lozza71]

If you read the Advertiser, you're the problem.

If you buy the Advertiser, you're the problem.

If I had a dollar for every time someone bought the bloody thing then complained about it, i'd be as rich as NEWS LTD is for publishing the tripe in the first place.

Where did I say anything about the Advertiser being the problem. If she didn't talk to the Advertiser in the first place there would NO "quotes" and therefore NO article.