Hello and welcome.
This thread started as a game preview for Fremantle's round 14 game in 2022, but has since morphed into it's current form: an ongoing, serialised and highly satirical piss-take on everything AFL, written for an adult audience.
Nothing in this thread should be taken seriously at all - 'cause I'm certainly not. Consider this a harmless piece of satirical, light-hearted fun running in the background during the regular season / off-season.
For context over how this whole thing came about, see the original OP quoted below.
Loosely based on a mash-up a 1973 Mel Brooks comedy and MST3K, this thread is best enjoyed on a PC / laptop / the biggest screen you've got. Thread markers highlight the start of each episode. Updates are added weekly / fortnightly (or else whenever I get around to it) -- if you like what you see, hit the follow button to keep up to date during periods of sporadic updates.
As the movie's set in black and white, adjusting the brightness and contrast settings on your screen may be occasionally necessary to pick up finer details like the MST3K outlines.
ENJOY!
*************
PART ONE:
This thread started as a game preview for Fremantle's round 14 game in 2022, but has since morphed into it's current form: an ongoing, serialised and highly satirical piss-take on everything AFL, written for an adult audience.
Nothing in this thread should be taken seriously at all - 'cause I'm certainly not. Consider this a harmless piece of satirical, light-hearted fun running in the background during the regular season / off-season.
For context over how this whole thing came about, see the original OP quoted below.
Hello there, all my fellow reddish blue-bloods!
Yep! Its round 14 again (or it WAS round 14 again), and that means it is (err - WAS) Fremantle's mid-season bye.
And that means that (thanks largely to some none-too-subtle nudging by Snuffaluphagus) ...it's time for me to once again muddy the concepts of "Game" and "Preview" forever, by presenting my (...annual?...) Half-Time Report!
As all of you (well, some of you) may remember, last year when summarising events at the halfway mark of the year, I decided (in my ENORMOUS naivety) to pen a purple-hued poetic ode in prose, to the fine and universally-practiced art of "Waiting for a F***king Premiership to Arrive Already!"
I called this piece "The Waiting" ...and you can still read it right here.
And let me tell you people... I crafted the ever-loving **** of off that bloody piece!
It was a labour of love... every bit as challenging, painful, stressful and difficult for me to create this work, as a mother giving birth to her own particular love child.
I sh*t you not people... this thing took me MONTHS to create!
I hewed every melancholy, tortured syllable of prose out of thin air, using nothing but my own fading neurons, while thematically riffing on Dylan Thomas' most famous radio-play" Under Milkwood".
I used my eloquence to paint deep, resonating mental pictures of tortured footy supporters, walking frosty fog-laden streets to quiet their bye-week withdrawal symptoms, and the disquiet that lingered in their very SOULS!
I would read each draft of my words aloud to myself, in a deep welsh accent like an amateur Richard Burton, to ensure I got the cadence of every syllable and metaphor absolutely perfect... it was a thing of poetic beauty.
(I am NOT making this s**t up!)
But even this was not enough for me... not for the benefit of my fellow BigFooty freo fanatics, no!!
(...please bear with me folks, I'm getting there
I wanted to give you an epic document of eternal longing, that would stand forever and encapsulate every millisecond of the 25 years we had been collectively waiting together for Fremantle's maiden Premiership.
And so, I resurrected my lethargic photoshop and graphic design skills, to create visuals every bit as beautiful as my words, and carried the theme through the piece visually as well.
I even went so far as to travel to Albany in mid Winter to capture actual photos of a coastal city mired in fog, that I could use to match the piece's central theme.
(yes... REALLY people! I'm not Bullsh*itting - I REALLY F***ING WENT AND DID THAT AS WELL)
That piece last year was so hard, and so much work - I only got about halfway through it in the time I had spare.
But I made it all for YOU, my fellow Freo fans...
for your reading pleasure,
for your illumination,
and for the dubious honour, of collecting precious likes harvested from your humble keyboards,
all so I could obtain for myself, a small collection of purple pixels next to my name,
that might humbly read "PoTY" (post of the year).
And what did I get for all my selfless labours?
20 likes.
...that's all - only 20 likes
(...)
(...)
(...)
You bloody tight arse bastards!
I nearly killed myself for your entertainment, and all I get was 21 shitty bloody likes??
You people are all philistines, and I hate you all like Hawthorn!
But I spotted my error people... It was my fault really.
This is BIGFOOTY... and you people DON'T WANT ART!!
You want smut...
You want scorn...
You want swearing...
You want banter...
You want satire...
You want parochialism...
You want smart-alec comments and pointed dirty jokes from the peanut gallery!
(Hell, you lot want to BE the Peanut Gallery)
You want to heap piles of prickly poo on every team that isn't wearing purple...
You want to bitch and moan about Umpires and AFL rule changes...
You want to laugh your purple-clad proverbials off at the misfortune of others, and bitch about it on the melt threads afterwards...
You want to take the piss out of everything, and for everyone to agree with your every thought without hesitation...
...and you frankly couldn't give a rats about who gets offended in the process.
So here ya go, you purple-clad bunch of art-hating wan*ers... One f***ing bye-round preview for your reading displeasure.
It's derivative, cheap, tawdry, satirical, cynical, really not recommended for minors, and a complete knock-off of someone else's work.
I cobbled it together left-handed and drunk, while scratching my naked arse with my computer's keyboard to generate the necessary dialogue.
The arse scratchings came out remotely footy-themed, and it successfully takes the hot living piss out of everything and everybody, so I'm calling this one an actual bloody Preview-Entry this time, 'cause I want my f****ing Footy Writing Prize already!
Snuffy was the one who asked for it, so I moderately hope he likes it. The rest of you however can go and get f****d.
Happy f***ing Bye Week Reading ya dimwits!
Loosely based on a mash-up a 1973 Mel Brooks comedy and MST3K, this thread is best enjoyed on a PC / laptop / the biggest screen you've got. Thread markers highlight the start of each episode. Updates are added weekly / fortnightly (or else whenever I get around to it) -- if you like what you see, hit the follow button to keep up to date during periods of sporadic updates.
As the movie's set in black and white, adjusting the brightness and contrast settings on your screen may be occasionally necessary to pick up finer details like the MST3K outlines.
ENJOY!
*************
PART ONE:
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