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Son of Skeletor

Brownlow Medallist
May 23, 2012
14,274
12,823
Smoothie King Central
AFL Club
Collingwood
Other Teams
Tottenham Hotspur, New Orleans Pels
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Résumé


42-30 (7th in West, 3rd in Pacific Div), lost 4-2 to Suns in first round

Off Rating: 24th

Def Rating:
1st







FA: Nunn (2/10), Anthony (min), Ariza (min), Bazemore (min), Bradley (min), Ellington (min), Howard (min), Jordan (min), Monk (min), Rondo (min)

Free agent re-signings: Talen Horton-Tucker (3/30)

Trades: Russell Westbrook (Wizards)

Draft: N/A



The Cap:


LAL1.png




Sum Total:

Would you like a minimum fries with that?

The Lakers and LeBron obviously didn't enjoy being knocked out in the first round, so they got rid of everyone not named James, Davis or Horton-Tucker. In their place arrives Mr. Westbrook, Kendrick Nunn and nine guys signed for the minimum, which surely has to be an NBA record.

Amazingly 10 of the main 14 guys on LA's roster are aged over 30 now, which could also be some kind of record. Forget minimum chips, perhaps the Lakers should be handing out small packets of Werther's Originals and bingo cards to their players. Everyone knows the Lakers get discounts on their signings, but until now nobody was aware that they were mostly senior citizen discounts.

Interestingly, aside from Davis the only players on the team aged below 30 are Horton Tucker, Nunn and Monk, all of whom kinda play the same position. I guess Frank Vogel will have to choose between old and super-old line-ups for now... no 'smashmouth' basketball either, lest a whole lot of false teeth and denture plates get damaged.

Remember in 2018 when the Lakers had a really young team? Of course you and I do, but many Lakers fans who suddenly rediscovered their love for the purple and gold in 2020 probably don't. Had to be done, mod's orders...







Best case scenario:

The team collapses and miss the playoffs because the Pels own their first round pick this year and... oh wait, no, we traded that. OK, best case scenario is that none of the players turn up to games because they were too busy watching re-runs of Matlock. What do you mean I have write about the best case scenarios from the Lakers' perspective? OK fine, best case scenario is that they win another championship, because LeBron and Lakers. Anthony Davis manages to play more than three games in a row without damaging a nail or bumping his funny bone in a fight for a rebound with Westbrook. Speaking of Russ, best case scenario for him is that he magically learns to play off-ball - look, I'm trying to be optimistic, OK?


Worst case scenario:

They win another championship. Uh, LeBron's age finally catches up with him. Well, he and all the other geriatrics on the Lakers' roster. Anthony Davis's headband slips and damages his unibrow, leading him to miss a few months. LeBron's disappointment face is overpowered by Westbrook's irrational confidence face. The entire Laker bench dozes off waiting to enter the game, leading to giant pools of drool that AD is bound to slip on. Frank Vogel gets tired of coaching old geezers and quits to take over the local YMCA team. Magic Johnson is subsequently re-hired as LA's new coach.



2022 Lakers in song:


Some of the lyrics in this song are apt for the Lakers in more ways than one. And by some lyrics, I mean the only lyrics.








2022 Lakers Mailbag



How you doin'?

When I was young I was handsome, popular and I had the moves. I was like greased lightning, I was.

However now I'd old, wear a wig and for some reason decided to sign up for Scientology. I'm not sure I have many moves left in me. How bout the Lakers?

J. Travolta, Los Angeles

I dunno about moves, but that was a pretty slick segue.

Look, the Lakers probably don't have many moves left in them. I mean 12 months from now they could theoretically move on from Westy, given his contract would be expiring - but it's doubtful he'd want to leave LA, and even if he did they probably couldn't expect too much in return.

Meanwhile I suppose they could bundle up Horton-Tucker and Nunn together in an attempt to land someone, but that would well and truly leave the Lakers devoid of youth, and they would never... wait, no, you're right - LeBron totally WOULD do that.

LeBron Rob Pelinka could always try trading some draft picks, but the Lakers aren't in control of their picks until 2026 at the earliest, so...

For better or worse, this is pretty much the Lakers now, warts and all. Of course they've still got three hall of famers, and that doesn't include the likes of Dwight and Melo, so don't feel too bad for them. Plus they're the Lakers, and will inevitably find a way to swindle some poor small market team's stars away from them soon anyway. Bastards.



Heeeeere's... Jack!

I saw you making fun of the Lakers' experienced squad back there. Never rub another man's rhubarb.

Has it ever occurred to you that veteran savvy may overcome youthful exuberance? Has it ever occurred to you that LeBron is a God-damn marvel of modern science? No? That's because you can't handle the truth.

J. Nicholson, Hollywood

Guilty as charged, I just enjoy taking the piss out of the Lakers. Which is ironic really, as many of the Laker veterans probably have urostomy bags, and... OK, I finally went too far.

I'll put my hand up and admit that I didn't think Rondo and Dwight were the right signings for the Lakers - I mean the first time around, the time they won the championship - and that I didn't think Frank Vogel's smashmouth style was right for LeBron and AD. Mea culpa.

This could still all work. I mean they do have Anthony Davis, Russell Westbrook and LeBron freaking James. They ain't the 2016 Lakers (ah, memories!)

They will still need a few things to go right though. Making bubble wrap part of AD's uniform and keeping Melo on the bench during the playoffs should be top of that list.



Yeah hi,

Do you ever wonder how certain things keep coming back, despite constant efforts to discard them?

Regards,

M. Cox, Abbotsford

Yes, yes I have noticed that... you're talking about those 'talent discovery' shows on TV, right?

On a completely unrelated topic, the Lakers happened to re-sign SIX of their former players this off-season - Ariza, Bazemore, Bradley, Ellington, Howard and Rondo. This has delighted peternorth , who has always been prepared to recycle old flames. Kate Upton is coming back soon, I refuse to believe otherwise.
 
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Son of Skeletor

Brownlow Medallist
May 23, 2012
14,274
12,823
Smoothie King Central
AFL Club
Collingwood
Other Teams
Tottenham Hotspur, New Orleans Pels
That'll probably be the final one folks, unless there's heavy demand for the full set. These were only meant to amuse folks until the season started, which has now happened. And by amuse, I principally mean myself.

Apologies to Look2Me4Guidance 's Suns, and all six fans of Griz, Wolves, Pels and Kings left, worldwide.
 

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Look2Me4Guidance

Destination Club Supporter
Sep 10, 2007
33,153
15,540
On the punt
AFL Club
St Kilda
Other Teams
Phoenix Suns
That'll probably be the final one folks, unless there's heavy demand for the full set. These were only meant to amuse folks until the season started, which has now happened. And by amuse, I principally mean myself.

Apologies to Look2Me4Guidance 's Suns, and all six fans of Griz, Wolves, Pels and Kings left, worldwide.
I wrote 12 letters under 7 different pseudonyms for the Suns mailbag!
 

Son of Skeletor

Brownlow Medallist
May 23, 2012
14,274
12,823
Smoothie King Central
AFL Club
Collingwood
Other Teams
Tottenham Hotspur, New Orleans Pels
I wrote 12 letters under 7 different pseudonyms for the Suns mailbag!
Ah yes, I believe I received them.

One was mourning the loss of Talky Stick Arena, the other 11 were variations on calling Sarver a campaigner, only using different adjectives.

All were acceptable.
 

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