Lame Jokes Part 2

Discussion in 'Humour Board' started by Hard Ball Get, Aug 29, 2010.

Put it out there
  1. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
     

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  2. DREAM TEAM BUFF

    DREAM TEAM BUFF Moderator

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    A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

    "Yes?"

    "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

    "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

    "8:25!"

    The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

    "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
     
  3. DREAM TEAM BUFF

    DREAM TEAM BUFF Moderator

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    AUDI

    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

    All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

    All Unnecessary Devices Installed

    BMW

    Big Money Works

    Bought My Wife

    Brutal Money Waster

    BUICK

    Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

    CHEVROLET

    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE

    Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater

    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

    FORD

    Fix Or Repair Daily

    Found On Road, Dead

    Fast Only Rolling Downhill

    GM

    General Maintenance

    GMC

    Garage Man's Companion

    HONDA

    Had One Never Did Again

    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

    Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

    HYUNDAI

    Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

    MAZDA

    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

    OLDSMOBILE

    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

    SAAB

    Send Another Automobile Back

    TOYOTA

    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO

    Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

    VW

    Virtually Worthless
     
  4. DREAM TEAM BUFF

    DREAM TEAM BUFF Moderator

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    Snake solves problem

    I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

    Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

    What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
     
  5. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    A student limped into class with a lame excuse.
     
  6. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    If you go for a job interview at a rubber stamp company try to make a good impression.
     
  7. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    I tried to get a job at a casino but they didn't have a slot for me. I figured it was a bit of a gamble anyway.
     
  8. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.
     
  9. roostersgal4eva

    roostersgal4eva Brownlow Medallist

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    Lame Easter joke

    What do you get if you pour hot water down a Rabbit Hole?

    hot cross bunnies!
     
  10. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    Vandals destroyed many road signs. They really pulled out all the stops.
     
  11. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    In a recession, the most secure job is a garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
     

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  12. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    They served lunch at the auto repair shop, but I didn't eat it. It was full of carbs.
     
  13. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    The ghost practiced scaring people night after night. He was finally ready for his day boo.
     
  14. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    Two electricians were in a race that went down to the wire.
     
  15. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    A bank manager who was also a high jumper spent most of his time in the vault.
     
  16. Andonis1997

    Andonis1997 Brownlow Medallist

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    What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves?
    Russel.
     
  17. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    A thousand dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say they have no leads.
     
  18. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    I got robbed! I do not know how he got in. He must have got intruder window.
     
  19. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    You can always tell you doctor's a quack when you see his large bill.
     
  20. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

    He felt his presents.
     
  21. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    Why can a man never go hungry in a huge desert?

    He can eat the sand which is there.
     
  22. rustyg70

    rustyg70 Club Legend

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    What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?
    Eileene.
     
  23. rustyg70

    rustyg70 Club Legend

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    What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg shorter than the other?
    Irene.
     
  24. Andonis1997

    Andonis1997 Brownlow Medallist

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    Two women were talking quietly.
     
  25. Bomber32

    Bomber32 Brownlow Medallist

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    He stared at his belly button so much, he was promoted to navel officer.