Best and Worst jokes ever heard...

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A man walked into a takeaway shop and asked for some fish and chips so when it came to him getting his fish and chips the shop attendant asked him if he would like some salt and pepper with his fish and chips so the shop attendant reaches into his pockets and pulls out some salt and pepper, then the man said thank you to the shop attendant then the shop attendant asked the man if he would like some vinegar on his fish and chips , then the man said to the shop attendant “ But if you pee on them I am not going to eat them”
 
The Toad said:
These two blokes walk into a bar


you'd think at least one of them would of seen it. :D:thumbsu:


Boom f**king Tish.
Click to expand...

That would've been good, had I just not read the same joke, posted in 2007 :p
 
A man goes duck hunting on the border of NSW and VIC and when he was finished having a successful day of duck hunting a man turns up out of nowhere and he says is the Game warden for VIC and he said to the man that he thinks he may have shot some VIC ducks and that it is illegal to shoot them and that the penalty is a severe fine so the man says to the game warden how do you tell if the duck is from NSW or VIC , so the game warden picks up a duck that the man shot and turns the duck around and sticks two of his fingers up the ducks arse and smells the s**t on his fingers and says you are lucky this is a NSW duck anyway the next three of the ducks the man shot were from NSW anyway they got to the last duck and the Game warden say I got you this is a VIC duck I got you know you are going to cop it now so the game warden pulled out his fine book and asks the man for his name and the man replied John Smith so the game warden says ok and then asks where are you from and the man replied I am from Fitzroy so the Game warden says Fitzroy NSW or Fitzroy VIC , so the man replied by pulling down his pants and said you’re the bloody expert you tell me
 
Q: How do you get 100 people to fit into one car?
A: Get agent 99 and Maxwell smart

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: put a mirror at the bottom of a pool

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a packet of M&M”s and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

Q: What is grey and white and hangs from the clouds?
A: the coming of the lord
 
A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.
 

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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, " I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now **** off."
 
Four Catholic schoolgirls all die in a car accident. They wind up at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says: "You're all virgins, so I can let all of you in, but first I have to take your confessions. Tell me anything you've done that is impure."

The first girl steps up and says, "St. Peter, I once touched a man's penis with my finger." St. Peter nods, and tells her to dip her finger in holy water, say a Hail Mary, and she can enter Heaven.

The second girl comes forward and says, "St. Peter, I once touched a man's penis with my entire hand." St. Peter says "All is forgiven my child, dip your hand in holy water, say two Hail Marys, and you may enter Heaven."

The third girl opens her mouth to confess, but all of a sudden the fourth girl elbows her aside and steps up to the saint. "What's the meaning of this?" he demands. "St. Peter," the girl says, "if you think I'm gargling with that stuff AFTER she dunks her ass in there, you've got another think coming!"
 
Here is one for the lads. Reminds me of Alpha.

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the f*** is wrong with women these days?"
 
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