MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE
Premiership Captain
I was travelling on the Highway towards Geelong with my companion, former Geelong manager and Melbourne coach Neil Balme.
"So why am I here again?" I asked.
"You came highly recommended by Biffinator - we go way back and I owe him a favour", he replied.
"And why is LJ here?" I queried, pointing towards the back seat.
Balme explained "We need an Aboriginal elder to carry out the ceremony and he wanted to help, as he was a witness to the massacre of 2011."
We stopped at the Corio Bay Roadhouse for lunch. After Balme had purchased and then consumed enough food to put CatsPiss2007's illegitimate children through a rigging course at Sunshine TAFE, we were off.
Shortly after, we had arrived at ̶K̶a̶r̶d̶i̶n̶i̶a̶ ̶S̶h̶e̶l̶l̶ ̶S̶k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ ̶W̶h̶i̶s̶k̶a̶s̶ Simonds Stadium. To arrest our current slide and exorcise the demons of the past, we had to go to the scene of our spiritual depantsing 4 years earlier.
Neil, Liam and I entered the stadium. We encountered security, to whom Neil stated "They're with me. Jack is here to interview me for the Unofficial Preview and LJ is here to talk to Scotty about getting a spot on the list. You know how much Scotty likes discarded Melbourne forwards."
The security guard gave a grunt, but he seemed to be convinced. Then again, these people elected Darrin Lyons to the Mayor's office, so they couldn't be that hard to fool. We headed for the hallowed turf, which likely had more money put into it than the rest of the City combined.
When we got there, Neil handed me a list and asked me to read.
First item - "One human tooth, to end the toothless performances." I read aloud
LJ pulled out a Glad ziplock bag, and sure enough, there was a tooth in it.
Neil explained "We were cleaning out Steven King's locker and found that embedded in his boot. I intended to return it to Whitey, but never got around to it."
Second item - "One human organ, to show guts".
LJ pulled out another bag full of what appeared to be mushed kidney pieces in ice. "What happened to that?" I asked.
"Brad Miller happened to that," Neil replied gruffly.
I suddenly felt queasy, but continued nonetheless.
Third item - "Essence of talent."
LJ pulled out a vial. Neil explained "We extracted it from Shannon Byrnes after the trade as an insurance policy. Didn't want him helping your boys get good again and threaten the Cats dynasty."
In retrospect, he had nothing to worry about.
Fourth item - "Nerve tissue. For nerves.............obviously."
LJ pulled out a bag with a small piece of muscle.
Neil explained "Those are the nerves that control voluntary movement in the face. We kept that after Mark Neeld got jobbed in the local league".
Fifth item - "A mirror, so the players can take a good look at themselves."
LJ pulled out a pink mirror and I noticed a label on the handle "PROPERTY OF CLINT BIZZELL".
Sixth and seventh items - "One thing each party regrets".
LJ pulled out a couple of footy cards. One of Tom Gillies in a Melbourne jumper and one of Brent Grgic in a Geelong jumper.
Eighth item - "To fire the players up, an item the colour of fire".
Neil exclaimed "Bugger! I forgot to pack that!"
LJ did a dash toward the changerooms and then returned a few minutes later with a huge grin on his face. He exclaimed "Found some of Bleasey's pubes on the dunny bowl! I knew he sat down to piss!"
Ninth item - "To be winners, they need something won".
LJ pulled out a lump of gold.
Neil explained "We melted down Jared Rivers' Rising Star award".
Tenth item - "Urine, to stop pissweak performances".
LJ pulled out a bar mat.
Neil explained "We took that from a St Kilda pub after Brent Moloney visited," and literally took the piss out of it by squeezing the contents onto the turf.
Eleventh and final item - "The tears of one who betrayed you."
Neil opened a plastic bag he'd been holding, and pulled out a Geelong guernsey with #19 on the back. "I swiped it from the laundry hamper on the way in."
The jumper was still clean, although it was still damp around the yoke. I squeezed the moisture out onto the turf.
"The ceremony is ready", LJ cried out and pulled a machete out of the bag. I wasn't game enough to point out the small fragments of blood, bone and hair still on the end of the blade. He struck the ground repeatedly, until there was a hole big enough to place the items in. Afterwards, I covered it back up, hoping nobody at the ground would notice.
The three of us calmly left the premises and as we got into Neil's car, promised never to speak of it again.
Melbourne by 186 points.
"So why am I here again?" I asked.
"You came highly recommended by Biffinator - we go way back and I owe him a favour", he replied.
"And why is LJ here?" I queried, pointing towards the back seat.
Balme explained "We need an Aboriginal elder to carry out the ceremony and he wanted to help, as he was a witness to the massacre of 2011."
We stopped at the Corio Bay Roadhouse for lunch. After Balme had purchased and then consumed enough food to put CatsPiss2007's illegitimate children through a rigging course at Sunshine TAFE, we were off.
Shortly after, we had arrived at ̶K̶a̶r̶d̶i̶n̶i̶a̶ ̶S̶h̶e̶l̶l̶ ̶S̶k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ ̶W̶h̶i̶s̶k̶a̶s̶ Simonds Stadium. To arrest our current slide and exorcise the demons of the past, we had to go to the scene of our spiritual depantsing 4 years earlier.
Neil, Liam and I entered the stadium. We encountered security, to whom Neil stated "They're with me. Jack is here to interview me for the Unofficial Preview and LJ is here to talk to Scotty about getting a spot on the list. You know how much Scotty likes discarded Melbourne forwards."
The security guard gave a grunt, but he seemed to be convinced. Then again, these people elected Darrin Lyons to the Mayor's office, so they couldn't be that hard to fool. We headed for the hallowed turf, which likely had more money put into it than the rest of the City combined.
When we got there, Neil handed me a list and asked me to read.
First item - "One human tooth, to end the toothless performances." I read aloud
LJ pulled out a Glad ziplock bag, and sure enough, there was a tooth in it.
Neil explained "We were cleaning out Steven King's locker and found that embedded in his boot. I intended to return it to Whitey, but never got around to it."
Second item - "One human organ, to show guts".
LJ pulled out another bag full of what appeared to be mushed kidney pieces in ice. "What happened to that?" I asked.
"Brad Miller happened to that," Neil replied gruffly.
I suddenly felt queasy, but continued nonetheless.
Third item - "Essence of talent."
LJ pulled out a vial. Neil explained "We extracted it from Shannon Byrnes after the trade as an insurance policy. Didn't want him helping your boys get good again and threaten the Cats dynasty."
In retrospect, he had nothing to worry about.
Fourth item - "Nerve tissue. For nerves.............obviously."
LJ pulled out a bag with a small piece of muscle.
Neil explained "Those are the nerves that control voluntary movement in the face. We kept that after Mark Neeld got jobbed in the local league".
Fifth item - "A mirror, so the players can take a good look at themselves."
LJ pulled out a pink mirror and I noticed a label on the handle "PROPERTY OF CLINT BIZZELL".
Sixth and seventh items - "One thing each party regrets".
LJ pulled out a couple of footy cards. One of Tom Gillies in a Melbourne jumper and one of Brent Grgic in a Geelong jumper.
Eighth item - "To fire the players up, an item the colour of fire".
Neil exclaimed "Bugger! I forgot to pack that!"
LJ did a dash toward the changerooms and then returned a few minutes later with a huge grin on his face. He exclaimed "Found some of Bleasey's pubes on the dunny bowl! I knew he sat down to piss!"
Ninth item - "To be winners, they need something won".
LJ pulled out a lump of gold.
Neil explained "We melted down Jared Rivers' Rising Star award".
Tenth item - "Urine, to stop pissweak performances".
LJ pulled out a bar mat.
Neil explained "We took that from a St Kilda pub after Brent Moloney visited," and literally took the piss out of it by squeezing the contents onto the turf.
Eleventh and final item - "The tears of one who betrayed you."
Neil opened a plastic bag he'd been holding, and pulled out a Geelong guernsey with #19 on the back. "I swiped it from the laundry hamper on the way in."
The jumper was still clean, although it was still damp around the yoke. I squeezed the moisture out onto the turf.
"The ceremony is ready", LJ cried out and pulled a machete out of the bag. I wasn't game enough to point out the small fragments of blood, bone and hair still on the end of the blade. He struck the ground repeatedly, until there was a hole big enough to place the items in. Afterwards, I covered it back up, hoping nobody at the ground would notice.
The three of us calmly left the premises and as we got into Neil's car, promised never to speak of it again.
Melbourne by 186 points.
