Roast Verbal Faux Pas

[Kildonan]

This is a cut and paste job from this thread on the main board of the same name:

We all know how articulate footballers and commentators can be.

Here are a few classic verbal slip-ups..


Michael Voss: "for all intensive purposes......"

Allan Martello: "the problem, or the bonus contention seems to be....."

Brian Taylor: "The Wayne Carey, Ricky Nixon saga will go down in the analogues of folklore history.

Chris Judd's manager: "let me tell you a short antidote about Chris"

Terry Daniher:" I hope the planning through the week comes to fruitician on Saturday"

Leon Neon: "Yeah, I tooken that mark......."

Tony Shaw: "Nathan Brown broke his tibia and fibia

 

[Kildonan]

Jack Dyer: He has arms like testicles (tenticles)

Bruce: So what's wrong with Adelaide at the moment
Modra: We just need to get our hands on the ********ing ball

Sandy Roberts: "And with me today is Miss Australia, Leanne Cok"

Ross Glendinning: "Peter Matera weaves his wagic"

Dermie is by far the spoonerism King someone should give him a dictionary. The other one that sh@ts me is "Boom Recruit" - is that a recruit that is going to explode in sixty seconds. I would have though it was BOON recruit

"We're playing well at the moment and that all goes well for the finals."

BT: "I heard a bit of scuttle bug

Dermy is the king of the tautology

The best/worst one I heard from him was:

"they move the ball laterally sideways across the ground'

worst mixed metaphor ever goes to 3aw's political reporter, Alison Carabine:

"it's opened up Pandora's floodgate of worms"

Troy Simmonds: "Yes, our confidence has rosen"

Not sure who, but a footballer recently said . "It's not rocket surgery."

 

[Kildonan]

Billy Brownless, in an attempt to say "debutants", said "debuwans"

Malthouse regularly says "mediocrissy"

Silvagni: "interpretated"

Surely can't go past Michael Tuck at the Night Grand Final handing out the "Michael Tuck Medal":

"And the Norm Smith goes to:"

classy!

hehe, I like that. Reminds me of (I can't remember who, years ago):

"He was running around like a head with its chook cut off"

Actually it was deliberate. I use it now and then - keeps people on their toes and you get some interesting double takes

Graham Campbell former SNAFL commentator "He ejaculated him over the boundary"

What about Sandy Roberts on 4 quarters that krap channel 7 friday night program. They had the band Chocolate Starfish on and he introduced the show by saying something to the effect of: "We will fry the fish [paul salmon], cook sausage rolls [goals] and eat a Chocolate Starfish [a$$hole]"!!!

The guys on the show spat it in shock and spent the next five minutes crying in laughter with Sandy going wildly red in embarrassment. The crowd of families with young children looked on in bemusement.

 

[Kildonan]

After round one this year, David Schwartz was trying to congratulate the AFL on the pre-game ceremony for Troy Broadbridge at the Dees vs Bombers game. Presumably he couldn't make up his mind between "first rate" and "second to none" when he said:

"Hats off to the AFL. That Troy Broadbridge tribute was absolutely second rate"

"To make a long shory stort" - Shane Crawford

Heard a coach once many years ago (might've been Ron Barassi) describing a tight contest as "a war of attribution".

Steven Silvagni - "He needs a poke up the bum"

Bruce commentating on a port game - talking bout matchups
"Who's gonna get Primus, Who's gonna take Wangerneen and Who's gonna get Laide"


Graham Cornes talking about Andrew McLeoud
"Andrew McLeoud is the best footballer with balls below his waist" - should of said footballs

Murrary Walker was the king of that with the F1 & Motorsport.
"...the car is unique except for the one behind it which is identical".

Commentating at Bathurst one year
"...all the Europeans are doing exceptionally well, especially Paul Radisich who is a New Zealander"

 

[Kildonan]

"As we prepare to re-commence following the drinks break, the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" - Brian Johnson

some more dyerisms

"Bartlett's older than he's ever been before." (1980).

"Henshaw passes the ball to Kelly and Kelly gives a Henshaw to Glendinning." (1982).

"There weren't too many best mans on the ground." (1982).

"He's tuckled strongly by Tack." (1983).

"He sets himself for a high mark - actually, that was a low high mark." (1983).

"He's put the game beyond result." (1983).

"Bamblett made a great debut last week, and an even better one today." (1983).

"The ball goes to Marceesie ... Marcheson ... McKann, er ..." before co commentator Ian Major interjected: "Actually, Jack I don't think Marchesani was in that passage of play." (1981).

Dyer once observed a player was "carrying a bit of a knee" and noted that "They've got a couple of good players in Harvey".

And then there was "a rather difficult goal kicked very easily".

"Diamond Creek was a long way away once."

"They should have kicked 12 goals in that third quarter because they were right on top and hardly doing a thing right."

"The goal posts are moving so fast I can't keep up with the play."

And once, on the long-running Sunday television show World Of Sport, Dyer declared that Fitzroy had "copulated to the opposition".

i remember watching 'league teams' one thursday night when they'd suggest a recipe for dinner after the footy and ole jack called bangers 'frangers'. dunno if he knew he could get away with it sometimes.

Re: Verbal Faux Paus

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?"

10. David Coleman: "There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

 

[Kildonan]

Heard so many of these over the years I have forgotten some of the best ones.

An Australian current affairs commentator was talking about Saddam's persecution of the Kurkish Turds. I think he meant Turkish Kurds!!!

I think it was Peter Landy who referred to Dermie's jersey as "a jumperless sleeve" and who could forget Norman May calling a swimming race with the immortal words of "...the leader is still in front".

Doug Wade also had trouble with Dipper's name early in his career with his attempt sounding something like "...Dip, Dip, Dip, Dip, Dip dimenico" and he finished off in a fit of laughter saying he was the only football commentator ever to get elocution lessons from Elmor Fudd!!!

John Arlott, English cricket commentator (many years ago):

"In comes Lillee, long hair flowing in the breeze..........Redpath at second slip.....legs wide apart..........anxiously waiting for a tickle"

Dermott from tonight's Eagles match: "Cox has been putting it down their throat."

Dean Jones last night: "give them a noose and they'll take a mile"

this one's a bit finicky, but kind of funny.

Tim Watson: "there's been a lot of discussion behind corridors"

Where exactly would that be? In the crawl space?

Barry Denner on NIRS Radio: "Steven Milne kicks an absolute shocker for one behind, probably would have preferred the 6 points."

Geez Barry... you think?

 

[Kildonan]

Chris Lewis: "I reckon if Richmond can maintain this 1 point lead over the Swans they can win"

Good ol Dermie commentating on ch 9 last year: "he just hasn't got any wind left in the tank"

Wayne Schwass: "I tend to err on the side of cautious"

Danny Frawley: "Adam Goodies"

Danny Frawley to Mark Graham: "well done on your career; you wringed every bit of talent out of yourself.

Wayne Carey: "I soleheartedly agree"

Liam Pickering: "heart murmurtations"

Today, someone congratulated Mark Doran on becoming a father, with the person saying: "well done; good effort"

Doran replied: "it was a 'good effort' by my wife, but for me it was just an amazing ride"

I bet it was

Don Scott: "Play on. It was 50 of one and half a dozen of the other."

 

[Kildonan]

Glen Jakovich in the huddle at 3 quarter time to his team mates: "those clouds look anonymous"...

so, I guess they would be at a disadvantage if they didn't know who the clouds were

a couple of weeks ago a commentator said: "its a David and Goliath struggle except they are both the same size"

Wayne Schwass tried to tell us about some people's 'barbaric' ideas toward player trading and contracts, but, instead said:

"I know this is a bit barbastic, but......."

I don't think that's a word, but it did get 38 hits on Google. I couldn't find it in my dictionaries

This was on K-Rock during Geelong vs Sydney last week.

"They just have to hold up, and milk the c ock"

Everyone in the box just ********ed themselves and couldn't commentate.
It was pure gold.

Today, Wayne Schwass described Andrew Maher as: "the man with the bespectacles on"

I once heard an ABC radio commentator describe Spider Everitt as running across the ground "like a pair of prancing knitting needles"

Not entirely incorrect but I laughed all the same

radio caller: "I reckon the signing of the senior Sk Kilda players will really inspirate the young guys"

Damien Fleming: "Imran once made overtunes toward Meg Ryan"

Damien Fleming: "Daryl Cunninan"

Another from Glenn Jakovich: "we have to use the corri-centredor"

Damien Flemming: "Hodge has a good temperment"

 

[Kildonan]

"And here's Moses Kiptanui—the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." Sports commentator David Coleman

Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Weathergirl: "So Trevor, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Oh, hell! Are we still on air?" Becky Mantin - BBC weathergirl, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn't, to Black newsreader, Trevor McDonald

Astronomy commentator: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and it looks like he's just come in his shorts". Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage

Golf Commentator on caddy Fanny Sunneson: "Some weeks Nick Faldo likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to play with himself."

Running commentator: "Paula has a quick look between her legs and likes what she sees."

Motor Racing commentator: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix

Dermie commentating a Hawthorn game when one of the rookie Hawks was streaming down the ground and fumbles a bounce - "the boy's f***ed it up!"

Taken from the Urban Legends Reference Pages: http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/olympics.asp

Origins: Despite an increasing public sensitivity to the perpetuation of derogatory stereotypes, those who are seen as having become undeservedly famous and Olympics wealthy — actors, athletes, models — continue to serve as the butts of jokes that play on their supposed lack of intelligence. Athletes say some incredibly dumb things, these jokes emphasize, therefore athletes really are dumb (as are sports announcers, especially since many of them are former athletes).

Not all of the examples listed above are really the product of "dumbness," though. Many of them are simply unintentionally humorous double entendres, the kind that are easy to make when one works in a field with a distinct jargon, such as sports. (Since the Olympic Games include many different types of sports, each with its own distinct jargon, the possibilities for inadvertent humor are many.) None of these quotes originated with the 2004 Olympics in Athens, however — similar lists with somewhat differently-worded entries attributed to other people (and featuring some non-Olympic sports) were circulating as far back as 1999, particularly in Australia during the run-up to the 2000 Olympics in Sydney:

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
(Ian McNail — Football)

"This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh — Horse Racing Commentator)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush — Footballer)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott — Cricket Commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett — Footballer)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman — Golfer)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing — but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter - Boxer)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
(John Francombe — Jockey)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables — Football Coach)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
(Noel O'Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it — you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

On Tony Adamson's alcoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."
(Ian Wright — Footballer)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

" . . . and later we'll have action from the men's cockless pairs."
(Sue Barker — Commentating on Rowing)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
(David Coleman — Athletics)

Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that."
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that."

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit — Football Coach)

"Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson — Football Commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
(Mark Draper — Aston Villa)

"There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them — Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."
(Murray Walker)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
(Stuart Pearce)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square."
(Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time — it gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marion Starling)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge, covering The Boat Race)

"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off."
(Brian Johnston)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
('Whispering' Ted Lowe)

"A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin."
(Jo Sheldon)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I'm right behind him."
(Stuart Pearson)

"There's going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
(Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

We haven't undertaken exhaustive research to determine which — if any — of these entries might actually have been uttered by a real person, but the inclusion of some demonstrably old and apocryphal items (such as the joke about Arnold Palmer) leads us to believe that a good many of them are nothing more than fanciful creations of someone's imagination.

 

[Kildonan]

I love February, its the month that precedes January - Damien Fleming this morning on SEN

Some more from the master Murray Walker-

"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

Murray Walker was the king of motorsport commentating....

http://www.worldmotorsport.com/murray/

...and there's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself."

"The beak of Ayrton Senna's chicken is pulling ahead"

'and I interrupt myself to bring you this....'

and the catchphrase 'Unless I'm very much mistaken....I AM very much mistaken!'

This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is."

There is nothing wrong with the car except that it is on fire.

I could go on forever

There was also the classic British snooker commentator that said "he lines up the shot on the brown, and for those of you with black and white televisions, that is the one next to the blue."

my favourite is some in-game commentary referring to the england goal keeper of many years, dave seamen

"seaman comes dribbling out of the box...."

Doug Hawkins from about 10 years ago on ch7: "he's what a call a '100 meter' player: he runs 30 then kicks it 60"

I often hear commentators misuse the word literally
eg. The players have been literally run off their feet
Meaning that they shouldn't have any feet left

"I wonder how much she set him back?" : Tony Greig commenting on a man and what appeared to be a Filipino bride outside a cricket ground, obviously not realising the mikes were still on. Copped 2 matches for it too.

I heard that when Charles De Gaul president of France died his wife went into mourning for many months and made no public appearance. When she was ready she called a press conferance and after discussing the life of her husband was asked by a British journalist what she wanted in the remainder of her life. Speaking english in a her beautiful French accent she said 'appeenes. Her reply apparently caused much laughter.

 

[Kildonan]

this email is doing the rounds, so I don't know if they're all 'real'



Shane Wakelin: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Mick Malthouse: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Peter Bell: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Barry Hall: "You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."

Brock Maclean: on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Kevin Sheedy : "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games: "It's basically the same, just darker."

Ron Barassi asked Gary Cowton if his problem was apathy or ignorance, and Cowton replied: "Barass, I don't know and I don't care."

Mark Williams: "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."

"It was great to see Stuart O'Grady in the yellow gersey"

Ben Cousins: "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored."

Luke Darcy: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Adrian Anderson: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious."

Andrew Demetriou: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Terry Wallace: "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

Garry Lyon asked David Schwartz is he'd ever considered writing an autobiography, and David replied: "On what?"

Dermott Brereton: "Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago."

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better."

"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."

When Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of England he was at a public appearance and a woman in the crowd yelled at him "Churchill, if you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea!" Churchill turned to her and said "Woman, if you were my wife I would surely drink the tea!"

Paul Roos: "When Barry had his sore knee we watched him visually....."

I don't know if this fits, but I heard it again this morning and had to share it.

Lou Richards and Jack Dyer were discussing players and the fact that some of them were having sex outside of marriage.

Lou: In my day we never had sex before marriage. I never had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you Jack?
Jack: Well, I dunno. What was her maiden name?

Years ago on the local ABC radio in Tassie, they were doing an around-the-grounds, whereby the chap at York Park duly informed us that "Ricky Goal has kicked two Browns". Everytime they went back to him for the rest of the afternoon, the commentators of the main game politely inquired as to whether Ricky Goal had added to his tally of Browns.