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So, I was looking at the Bears' stats during the off-season (procrastinating on actual work, obviously), and I discovered something truly terrifying: The Bears could have up to eighteen milestone posts to do this season. Yes, you read that right, Eighteen. That's enough to make even the most seasoned captain weep into their keyboard. I know what you're thinking: "Who has time for that?" And you're right. Nobody does. So, instead of actually doing my job, I spent countless hours of my valuable time creating this. The "Oh No, Another Milestone" Template. It's not perfect, it's probably terrible, but here it is. And you can have it for the incredibly reasonable price of $2,000. (See attached invoice. Tony needs a new gaming PC.)

Disclaimer: Satisfaction not guaranteed.

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The "Oh No, Another Milestone" Template

Congratulations to [INSERT NAME] on reaching [INSERT MILESTONE NUMBER] games!

[INSERT VISUAL 1: Add an poorly AI-generated image here that attempts to visualise a pun or play on the player's name]

Example visual shown below

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Let's be honest, reaching this milestone is no small feat. It takes dedication, resilience, and a stubborn refusal to log off when real life calls. [INSERT NAME] has shown all of these qualities (some more than others) and has cemented their place in [INSERT TEAM]'s history. Whether through elite performances on the field or simply posting enough each week for people to notice them, today we celebrate their persistence in refusing to get a life outside of the SFA.

Hyperbolic Praise: Go over the top with compliments that are obviously exaggerated: [INSERT NAME] is not just a player; they are the very fabric that holds [INSERT TEAM] together, the unsung hero of our times, they are the reason the sun rises every day.

Every milestone is a story, and [INSERT NAME]'s journey has been nothing short of [INSERT ADJECTIVE: inspiring/chaotic/sleep-inducing/questionable]

For those who have followed [INSERT NAME]'s career (voluntarily or otherwise), this milestone comes as no surprise. They've been a fixture at [INSERT TEAM], bringing [INSERT DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC]. Their contributions, whether celebrated or questioned (mostly questioned), have left an undeniable mark on the league.

The Stats Nobody Asked For But We're Sharing Anyway:

• Debut Season: [INSERT SEASON]
• Games Played: [INSERT TOTAL GAMES]
• Goals Scored (or tackles/some stats nobody cares about): [INSERT TOTAL]
• Awards Won: [INSERT ANY AWARDS OR "Still Waiting..."]

These numbers tell a story, but they don't capture the true essence of [INSERT NAME]'s legacy. The endless match thread debates, the rivalries, the unforgettable moments of glory and embarrassment, these are what really define a career.

Quotes / What People Are Forced to Say About [INSERT NAME]:

Ask any of their teammates (or opponents), and you'll hear stories about [INSERT NAME]. Some will praise their influence on the field, others might begrudgingly admit to their trash talk mastery, and most will have at least one story that starts with "You won't believe what they did that one game..."

Through the highs, the lows, and the endless match threads, [INSERT NAME] has somehow managed to stick around long enough to reach [INSERT MILESTONE NUMBER] games. Whether they've been a star player or just really good at not getting delisted, they've earned this moment.

Congratulations on reaching [INSERT MILESTONE NUMBER] games, [INSERT NAME] – here's to many more!

Note: Adjustments can be made depending on how much you actually like this player (or how much they paid you to be nice).

[INSERT VISUAL 2: Add an AI-generated celebration image here - make sure to spell both "congratulations" and the player's name wrong, and don't forget to give them an extra limb or two for that authentic AI touch.]

Example visual shown below

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