Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

Abdul walks into the bedroom with a goat on a leash and says,...
“Honey, this is the cow that I sleep with when you have a headache”
The wife lying in bed, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an in-bred moron, you’d know it’s a goat, not a cow.”
Abdul replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous biatch, you’d realize I was talking to the goat!”

 

[Moo]

Abdul walks into the bedroom with a goat on a leash and says,...
“Honey, this is the cow that I sleep with when you have a headache”
The wife lying in bed, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an in-bred moron, you’d know it’s a goat, not a cow.”
Abdul replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous biatch, you’d realize I was talking to the goat!”

I opened my Dad's funeral with this but with sheep/pig.....went down pretty well

 

[Xtreme]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

 

[floodbuster]

Man and wife are sitting having breaky when the wife asks for a boob job, the husband replies "you don't need one and we can't afford it so forget it".
Later she is talking about it to her girlfriends and one says go see Dr Schumacher he's into the power of the mind, costs less and no surgery.
She goes and see's the doc and he says I'm a believer in the power of the mind and I want you to repeat over and over in your head oobie doobie jubie I want bigger boobies.
It's a strange request but off she goes about her day repeating over and over in her mind.
The next day her husband is driving along and she is repeating it in her mind so much she accidentally blurts it out loud.
The husband pulls over to a screeching halt and says "what did you say?"
She says "oobie doobie jubie I want bigger boobies, what's wrong with that?"
He says "you went and saw Dr Schumacher even though I told you to forget about it".
The wife looks at him surprised "how did you know?".
He says "hickory dickory dock".
Ba Da Boom.

 

[ronpingwins]

*********

 

[ronpingwins]

Wowowowowow

 

[worbod]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never ask whether you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

 

[Double the Fist]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never ask whether you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Am I good at procrastinating?

I'll tell you later.

 

[worbod]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Cigarette, because you can always take him outside for a drag.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I was porking this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
. . .thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

 

[AM]

My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

[philreich]

I regret to report that there's been a Christmas tragedy: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is dead, aged 53. Santa was delivering Christmas gifts in Madrid, when suddenly the sleigh was hit by a flock of geese, and was then diverted into the path of an oncoming 747 jet. Local authorities are reporting that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

 

[Damp Squarie]

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screamingthier **** off. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."

 

[little graham]

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"



The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"

 

[Double the Fist]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"

LOL'd.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Police reports indicate that a savings bank has just been robbed by a woman in the nude!!
Detectives are interviewing all women with 'lovely big ****' and a 'neatly shaved pussy', because witnesses were unable to describe her face.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

Bloke walks into the doctors clinic wearing nothing but Glad Wrap claiming that he thought he was going crazy.
The doctor said..."I can clearly see you're nuts"

 

[pebblestone]

So I bloody love name jokes. I'll get the ball rolling, but would love others to add to them:
What do you call a man....
With a seagull on his head? Cliff.
Standing in a pile of leaves? Russell.
With no arms swimming? Bob.
With a rabbit up his bum? Warren.

 

[worbod]

Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?

(Groans.)

 

[Damp Squarie]

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" said his lordship.
"Aplomb" , my lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling does your prick still throb?'"
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!

 

[worbod]

What do you call Dolly Parton doing the backstroke?

Islands in the Stream