Curly5
Premiership Player
You'll especially like the golf one! 
I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said
"no", so I let her up.
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again `I hate school` and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on in the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:
`You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down`
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
These are actual comments made on student's report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with too much glue.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship
1 It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2 It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3 It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4 It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet
"Some women buy dresses that are so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This dress looks much better when it's on.'
On what? On fire?" -Rita Rudner
My Blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a
customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and
said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came
back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you
want your coffee without milk instead?"
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Redd Foxx
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work,
driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for,
in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for ...
The Clothes,.....The Car,..... and the House - that you leave
empty all day so that you can afford to live in it"
"When traveling, always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of
snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
--W.C. Fields
It was a dark and stormy night.
A knight mounted on a very large, wet and smelly dog, rode up to the drawbridge and demanded to be let in to the castle.
He was refused.
The knight said to the guard, " you wouldn't leave a knight out on a dog like this?".
Out of the mouths of babes!:
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said, with a charming little smile, 'We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk! '
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and the Seven Dwar f s for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. 'See, Mom. She doesn't like the peel either.'
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.
" Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
--Oscar Wilde
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, short skirt strolled by. My eyes in-voluntarily followed her as she walked.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in now?"
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors
were wearing masks for."
---James H. Boren
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said
"no", so I let her up.
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again `I hate school` and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on in the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:
`You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down`
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
These are actual comments made on student's report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with too much glue.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship
1 It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2 It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3 It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4 It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet
"Some women buy dresses that are so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This dress looks much better when it's on.'
On what? On fire?" -Rita Rudner
My Blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a
customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and
said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came
back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you
want your coffee without milk instead?"
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Redd Foxx
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work,
driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for,
in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for ...
The Clothes,.....The Car,..... and the House - that you leave
empty all day so that you can afford to live in it"
"When traveling, always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of
snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
--W.C. Fields
It was a dark and stormy night.
A knight mounted on a very large, wet and smelly dog, rode up to the drawbridge and demanded to be let in to the castle.
He was refused.
The knight said to the guard, " you wouldn't leave a knight out on a dog like this?".
Out of the mouths of babes!:
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said, with a charming little smile, 'We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk! '
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and the Seven Dwar f s for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. 'See, Mom. She doesn't like the peel either.'
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.
" Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
--Oscar Wilde
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, short skirt strolled by. My eyes in-voluntarily followed her as she walked.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in now?"
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors
were wearing masks for."
---James H. Boren
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."