Curly5
Premiership Player
Finding A Job
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was
always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Said an innocent young blond, "Oh, I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are!"
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything!
An Interstate Truckie stops for a meal at a wayside stop. As he finishes his meal a mob of bikies walk in and start harrassing him trying to invoke him nto a fight. He turns his back and walks out. Just then another truckie pulls up and walks in for a meal. The Bikie leader says " your mate who just walked out can't fight"
"Thats right" says the truckie" and he can't bloody drive either - he just ran over 8 Harley Davidsons"!
some advice for Kiwis planning a summer visit....
You know you're in an Australian Summer when...
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish b.a.stard!"
If you think that was bad, try this one
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $15,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
(scroll down) DRUM ROLL
(PAUSE) And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT COLES"
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was
always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Said an innocent young blond, "Oh, I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are!"
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything!
An Interstate Truckie stops for a meal at a wayside stop. As he finishes his meal a mob of bikies walk in and start harrassing him trying to invoke him nto a fight. He turns his back and walks out. Just then another truckie pulls up and walks in for a meal. The Bikie leader says " your mate who just walked out can't fight"
"Thats right" says the truckie" and he can't bloody drive either - he just ran over 8 Harley Davidsons"!
some advice for Kiwis planning a summer visit....
You know you're in an Australian Summer when...
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish b.a.stard!"
If you think that was bad, try this one
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $15,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
(scroll down) DRUM ROLL
(PAUSE) And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline
declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT COLES"