Inlaw advice needed .....cant choose your family

[The hands of stone]

Hi all
After some advice regarding my wifes family , mainly her older sister .
Firstly I get on pretty well with them so no issues there .
My wife and her two sisters are close but the older has always fawned over the younger and in my opinion this has transferred to the kids .

Ill try not to create War and Peace again but here are some things Ive found really odd .
I want to chat to her about it but my father in law has pleaded with me not too

• older sister bought personalised gifts for younger sisters kids at birth as well as there two cousins . But not my wife .
• older sister has assisted with baby sitting , organised sleepovers ......but has not invited our kids or ecer offereed us help. Even after we regularly babysat their kids
• straight after my 2 yo birthday party last year the elder sister organised for the rest of family to go to a cafe for coffee .

We didnt get invited . The excuse was , we looked busy .

• my eldest daughter is 7 , not once has her eldest sister asked us over to catch up . We live 10 minutes from them .
• when they were sick this year , we made them soup . We didnt even get a thankyou , but they at least returned the container .

When the younger sister was sick older sister organised a shopping delivery .
When we got covid , we got nothing ( bar covid )

• at least 3 times this year she has organised family catchups , we werent invited and one was 1 week before my birthday .
• its not uncommon for us to attend family gatherings and she will have zero interaction with our kids ........yet hugs and looks after the others including 2nd and 3rd cousins.

Thats a very small sample . I find it all odd . My wife twice has bought it up , once got ignored and second time the elder sister played the ' i always get the blame' card .

My FIL is well aware of all this , but is a real dont rock the boat type person . Its very frustrating that he attends things and wont say anything.
I am mindful there is some mental health stuff going on but I really feel post xmas/nye I need to maie a stand here and chat to her and her husband .

Any thoughts or opinions welcomed

 

[eldorado]

Personally, if your wife is ok with it, I would start excluding her from your on life, stop inviting her to your house at all, and wait for her to bring it up with your wife....give your wife a good avenue "Now you know how I feel"

But that's probably just me...

 

[The hands of stone]

Personally, if your wife is ok with it, I would start excluding her from your on life, stop inviting her to your house at all, and wait for her to bring it up with your wife....give your wife a good avenue "Now you know how I feel"

But that's probably just me...

I actually did that at the start of the year , but it hard zero effect at all .
We just didnt see them at all , but missed other things .

I've actually contemplated throwing a BBQ and not inviting them , knowing it will get a reaction . Not sure that would get the desired outcome

 

[Crock]

You seem to be indicating that your SIL may have mental issues!
If so, then my opinion is that you need to be very careful how you handle this situation.
You don’t want a confrontation to result in an exacerbation of mental health issues (real of perceived) which results in the rest of the family turning against you!
Personally, I would just ignore her and concentrate on your own family.... they are what’s important!

Good luck sorting this out!

 

[Sixpence]

It's a tough one.

I wouldn't worry about the mental health issue much, unless she's that fragile she's a risk of stepping in front of a bus if you poke her. You seem to be only vaguely aware of some issue, so I don't think that's the case. Which it then becomes a bullshit excuse.

Sounds like the biggest issue is that your kids miss out, moreso than you and your wife. Which is something I'd be pretty pissed about too. Easy for you guys to cut her off but your kids shouldn't be punished. Maybe confront her on that angle.

It's easy for us to give advice though, a lot harder for change to come from it. My partner is going through similar issues with her brother's wife and son. It's a pretty messy situation with no quick fix.

Good luck with it!

 

[Strapping Young Lad]

Harder said than done for your wife I would guess, but she seems like she’s just bringing bad juju to the wider family and yours in particular, even when you’re doing all you can to keep the peace, so my advice is to remove them from your lives.

I am/have been going through a similar type of realization with my own sister in the last 12 months, and I’m leaving the ball in her court.

 

[phlogiston]

I am/have been going through a similar type of realization with my own sister in the last 12 months, and I’m leaving the hall in her court.

I had been having issues with my sister, on and off, for over 20 years. Last 5 years have been the best of our relationship since I stopped seeing her, except incidentally when visiting my father (but there's another can of worms vis-a-vis elder abuse).

It's made the world of difference for me. Hard to do, and difficult to own in a society where "you can't do that, they're family!" is a prevailing sentiment.

Good luck SYL and HoS in your journeys down this path.

P

 

[Gralin]

Hi all
After some advice regarding my wifes family , mainly her older sister .
Firstly I get on pretty well with them so no issues there .
My wife and her two sisters are close but the older has always fawned over the younger and in my opinion this has transferred to the kids .

Ill try not to create War and Peace again but here are some things Ive found really odd .
I want to chat to her about it but my father in law has pleaded with me not too

• older sister bought personalised gifts for younger sisters kids at birth as well as there two cousins . But not my wife .
• older sister has assisted with baby sitting , organised sleepovers ......but has not invited our kids or ecer offereed us help. Even after we regularly babysat their kids
• straight after my 2 yo birthday party last year the elder sister organised for the rest of family to go to a cafe for coffee .

We didnt get invited . The excuse was , we looked busy .

• my eldest daughter is 7 , not once has her eldest sister asked us over to catch up . We live 10 minutes from them .
• when they were sick this year , we made them soup . We didnt even get a thankyou , but they at least returned the container .

When the younger sister was sick older sister organised a shopping delivery .
When we got covid , we got nothing ( bar covid )

• at least 3 times this year she has organised family catchups , we werent invited and one was 1 week before my birthday .
• its not uncommon for us to attend family gatherings and she will have zero interaction with our kids ........yet hugs and looks after the others including 2nd and 3rd cousins.

Thats a very small sample . I find it all odd . My wife twice has bought it up , once got ignored and second time the elder sister played the ' i always get the blame' card .

My FIL is well aware of all this , but is a real dont rock the boat type person . Its very frustrating that he attends things and wont say anything.
I am mindful there is some mental health stuff going on but I really feel post xmas/nye I need to maie a stand here and chat to her and her husband .

Any thoughts or opinions welcomed

Speaking as someone married to one of 3 sisters the best thing you can do is look after your wife and kids.

If you try and get involved most likely you will be painted as the problem for "getting involved in family business"

If your wife wants your support while addressing the issue that's different but I find with families you either have to accept the situation or leave the situation most of the time, that sort of stuff doesn't tend to change.

If there is a big age gap between the youngest and oldest but not between your wife and the older sister it could be as simple as the older sister still seeing the youngest as a kid and by extension her kids needing looking after.

With big age gaps sometimes you get RCD instead of a mum and a sister

 

[chopflop]

Hi all
After some advice regarding my wifes family , mainly her older sister .
Firstly I get on pretty well with them so no issues there .
My wife and her two sisters are close but the older has always fawned over the younger and in my opinion this has transferred to the kids .

Ill try not to create War and Peace again but here are some things Ive found really odd .
I want to chat to her about it but my father in law has pleaded with me not too

• older sister bought personalised gifts for younger sisters kids at birth as well as there two cousins . But not my wife .
• older sister has assisted with baby sitting , organised sleepovers ......but has not invited our kids or ecer offereed us help. Even after we regularly babysat their kids
• straight after my 2 yo birthday party last year the elder sister organised for the rest of family to go to a cafe for coffee .

We didnt get invited . The excuse was , we looked busy .

• my eldest daughter is 7 , not once has her eldest sister asked us over to catch up . We live 10 minutes from them .
• when they were sick this year , we made them soup . We didnt even get a thankyou , but they at least returned the container .

When the younger sister was sick older sister organised a shopping delivery .
When we got covid , we got nothing ( bar covid )

• at least 3 times this year she has organised family catchups , we werent invited and one was 1 week before my birthday .
• its not uncommon for us to attend family gatherings and she will have zero interaction with our kids ........yet hugs and looks after the others including 2nd and 3rd cousins.

Thats a very small sample . I find it all odd . My wife twice has bought it up , once got ignored and second time the elder sister played the ' i always get the blame' card .

My FIL is well aware of all this , but is a real dont rock the boat type person . Its very frustrating that he attends things and wont say anything.
I am mindful there is some mental health stuff going on but I really feel post xmas/nye I need to maie a stand here and chat to her and her husband .

Any thoughts or opinions welcomed

Sounds like trying to draw blood from a stone!

I would follow your wife's lead but if she is ok with being less involved with them, then that's the way to go. They clearly aren't interested/invested.

Hope it all works out in a way that you and your immediate family are ok with