The handicapper strikes back

[karmafree]

Well, its been a while since "The Handicapper" has had a thread so it's about time we had an update, being the off season and all.
As some of you may be aware I have had an ankle replacement, apparently its still classified as experimental surgery. Now this has brought a lot of challangers to "The Handicapper".
Firstly, as it is quite serious surgery, she knows she has to show some sympathy to me, after all I have been two months on the couch and hopefully about to start physio this week. To not do so would be socially unexceptional.
Secondary as I am suffering, she has to perform some service eg. cooking, washing making the bed etc. These menial activities are quite below her and although she has tried it has been a tough ask.
Thirdly how does she deal with her man who just lies there all day. I mean it has freaked her mind out.

For instance she comes home today, there I am in my usual position stoned on my reduced Oxycontin intake contemplating what next to watch on TV, done my Big Footy, newspaper, philosophy, reading, feeling quite content with myself. Up the stairs she comes "What are you doing?" Now this has come completely out of the blue, I mean what else can I do? I can't walk, I am permanently stoned on medicinal opiates, by nature I am lazy. So sarcastically I reply "I've just finished jerking off". Not a smart move. "Your disgusting, why don't you do something instead of just lying there all day" comes the bellowing reply.
"Well darling I can pat the cat, I can read, I can watch TV, but realistically there is not much I can do, its hard enough not being depressed let alone trying to please you". Then I bait her "I think I know why Bakes didn't turn up to the Best and Fairest" Now this stumps her totally, bewilderment crosses her face, she can't compute my comments, her voice lowers as she seeks the answers to something that must approach Einsteins Theory in her mind an a meek "What" comes from her mouth. AHHH! You beauty. Satisfaction, I have scored one against her.

With the friends that visit they, knowing the relationship, enquire tentatively, "******have you been treating KF nicely?" To which see meekly reply's yes. Skepticism appears on the face of the friends. With that she redouble her efforts making the cups of tea as if this is an hourly occurrence, when yet 15 minutes befor the friends arrive she point blank refused my solo request for a cuppa. I sit there mildly nodding my head, be grateful for the small things in life.

They leave and she slumps on the couch, "can you give me a massage". I have been asking for a massage for weeks to which she has point blank refused. What to do? "Alright come here" and I start to squeeze her shoulders and rub her back. After a while I ask,"what about me" "Oh your alright" comes the not for argument definitive response. ****!

Now you have to hear about yesterdays Wallaby's match. I don't get off on Union, but prefer it to League, being Up Norf I have to put up with the codes, so I understand them, being a knock out world cup game, well I just had to watch. She comes home after an informal staff meeting sees the game on the TV and totally flips out. "I though the footy season was over and the Saints lost" Was the decipherable understanding I think I could gather from her rant. Now what am I to say? Its Mid October, its a completely different game, its being played in New Zealand. I have to admit I am a little stumped for a response. "Its Ok darling, its a replay from a game played earlier in the season" The poor thing is looking at the TV oblivious to the fact that it is a Rugby game. "How did Nick go, did he kick any goals, what happened to their uniform?"
This is for real! I love the old girl too much so being the sympathetic person I am, I merely reply "It was a special heritage game, now your mum needs to see you now, so you had better go around there" Out she obediently goes. Back to the game I go.

Life on the couch guys, never a dull moment when "The Handicapper" is in play

 

[karmafree]

Dude, I'm just going to say it, she sounds like a b****

Note: I haven't read past Handicapper threads

There are a few, suffice to say she is a little mixed up and can't quite balance the love I have for the Saints. In her own frustrated sweet way she somehow equates that the more I love the Saints, the less I love her.

I don't know if you know someone who has a Philipino wife, they love their man but are prone to the most fantastic tantrums that when you look at them going off its quite cute. The volcano subsides after the eruption and they carry on as if nothing has happened. So she is like that a bit.

Of course she can't understand my shouting at the TV, my mumbling under my breath, my body twitching, or leaping into the air. Or why the weekends are so damn good if the Saints win on Friday night, or the abuse that gets hurled at the umpires, or worse one of the Saints players by me. To which she admonishes me and calls me a traitor and StKilda should not have to put up with supporters like me. Her constant refrain is "its just a game, or why do you do this to yourself?"

Its just one of those inexplicable things in life my man. We love each other, but the Football is a barrier she can't penetrate. So I get to make a little fun of it at her expense at times....just can't help myself. The funny thing is when she tries to watch a game to keep me company about every 3 years or so, she gets so caught up in it.....doesn't understand it at all, but still gets swept up with the adrenaline to the point she has to stop watching as it is too intense for her. And her saving grace is she knows who Roo is. "Where's Nick"is always her comment if she walks into a game I am watching.
The winter months are generally spent with me plotting how to get her out with her mates so as I can watch the game. This has at times been quite expensive, she has learnt with that feline cunning if there is a big game on which I just have to watch. Thats when I generally have to watch my wallet.
But I admit I am forever great-full to her for comforting me on the Sunday after the 09 loss to The Cats. I was in a state of shock on the Saturday night, but Sunday I lost it, all teary and sobbing, quite pathetic actually, she was there for me cooing don't worry there is always next year. Indeed there was.

 

[Strahany]

What the....?

I don't even.....?

Is this even remotely based on reality?

 

[StFly]

Ah Phillipino women, one of my uncles married a Malay so she could get visa to bring family over and in the 2 weeks she was in this great country you can rest assured several bbqs were had with the fire and brimstone that said women brought to any sort of gatherings. With those of us who don;t like that side of the family gathering by the water well musing that we could hide bodies and only the bugs would know came yelling followed by "again?" and a crunching sound where this little twig of a woman in all her fury had thrown her fists in the air to produce a deafening "shut up and pay attention to my foot coming down!" and her first went straight through the wooden the table followed by the anger in her face changing to a "Oh F..." as her forward momentum brought her face closer to being planted and lols to be had.

Unfortunately she was rescued to continue said vitriol, but suffice to say lunch ended abruptly that day and we left shortly afterwards due to the tolerance of that side being about 25mins without food and drink. But yes, the tantrums of many women from these areas of the wide blue yonder are a thing to behold and you best not let them see you smirking or holding back a laugh which is why you always do it near dense foliage and things to hide in or use as obstacles in your escape.

Also, there was an English woman working behind the bar at the local AFL club across the road, as I am associated with said club due to a family connection to it, yet also not giving much of an "eh" to a majority of the current players we of course got to talking about the game since she had very little idea was to what was going on and why things were occurring, pure shock and horror on her face as a bloke would be utterly crunched and buried in a tackle that she just did not get the reasons why and made the link that the only people to enjoy playing this game are obviously very violent people. Upon informing her that I played a giggle was had at the rapid retraction it was a whirlwind romance of me being an information base to hit up when a "wtf?" moment came up and I was of course around and she left to return back to England probably with the opinion that whilst it's a fun game to look at you have to be suicidal to enjoy or attempt to play it.

Some people, just don't get it.

 

[karmafree]

They just don't get it Fly.

 

[UnfinishedBusiness]

You have a good way with words KF! I deleted my original comment because it was thoughtless, some people just don't get footy - and that's ok (kind of )

But this is quite cute:

she knows who Roo is. "Where's Nick"is always her comment if she walks into a game I am watching.

...and this, IMO, forgives all her footy-related-failings:

after the 09 loss to The Cats ... she was there for me cooing don't worry there is always next year.

 

[karmafree]

Re: Potential Coach Replacements

Wow, we're getting snippy with each other already, and it's not even November yet. By January I'll probably start calling Squizz a poo-poo-head.

" The Handicapper" just gave me a lecture on how I have to get in touch with my inner self if I wish to be peaceful. I said what does that mean? She replied you have to go deeper. I replied well that's pretty hard, when I am about as deep as a teaspoon.............she officially gave up!

 

[VDS66]

Re: Potential Coach Replacements

You may wish to consider a latex glove and some lube.

" The Handicapper" just gave me a lecture on how I have to get in touch with my inner self if I wish to be peaceful. I said what does that mean? She replied you have to go deeper. I replied well that's pretty hard, when I am about as deep as a teaspoon.............she officially gave up!

 

[karmafree]

Re: Potential Coach Replacements

You may wish to consider a latex glove and some lube.

OUCH

 

[StFly]

Re: Potential Coach Replacements

You mean your inner child is a teaspoon? I knew it, I knew that inanimate objects were really just playing dead until we were ripe for invasion!

 

[karmafree]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Just to keep the board debt of this thread going.I am suffering from Oxycontin withdrawal the bloody doctor said I have to start getting off them. Any ideas?

 

[Mat Mann]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Cocaine?

 

[saintsrfreak]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Just to keep the board debt of this thread going.I am suffering from Oxycontin withdrawal the bloody doctor said I have to start getting off them. Any ideas?

Weed

 

[StFly]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Just to keep the board debt of this thread going.I am suffering from Oxycontin withdrawal the bloody doctor said I have to start getting off them. Any ideas?

Step #1: Get a bucket, preferably large.
Step #2: Place strap on said bucket so that it may be fastened to noggin.
Step #3: Create hose system that leads to mouth.
Step #4: Fill with choice of edible goodness (eg sugar / coffee) or drinkable goodness (eg, alcomahol) and fasten lid to keep dirty thieving mongrel out.
Step #5: Find chair, preferably with wheels and enjoy.

Don't strap a motor to said chair cause then you get the cops involved.

 

[karmafree]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Step #1: Get a bucket, preferably large.
Step #2: Place strap on said bucket so that it may be fastened to noggin.
Step #3: Create hose system that leads to mouth.
Step #4: Fill with choice of edible goodness (eg sugar / coffee) or drinkable goodness (eg, alcomahol) and fasten lid to keep dirty thieving mongrel out.
Step #5: Find chair, preferably with wheels and enjoy.

Don't strap a motor to said chair cause then you get the cops involved.

Cocaine, too expensive and I'm getting too old, although "The Handicapper" would enjoy the side effects. Weed would work, but the kids would get on my case after 15 years of "don't do drugs" from Dad.

Now Fly. I like the thought process, I tied the alcohol yesterday and said bucket did come in handy, worst part of it was me having to go feet first on my backside down the 7 stairs separating the living area from my bathroom.

You may ask "why would that be a problem". Well I had the youngster's girlfriends over getting ready to go and hit the clubs at Byron Bay. You know gorgeous 18,19,20 year olds, carrying on, putting on the make up, swapping clothes, getting a few vodka's into themselves, hanging shit on the designated driver. Basically a riot of color laughter and teenage fun from the 1/2 dozen beauties.
When off the couch comes the grumpy old drunk on crutches, pissed on the Wild Turkey at 7.30pm, hobbles over to the 7 steps, surveys the Grand Canyon which he has to negotiate. Realizes this is a few steps too many for him in his current state, drops onto his butt, no idea what has happened to the crutches, but in the back of his mind he registers a loud breaking noise and a cry of anguish from"The Handicapper". But he is totally focused on the seven steps, they loom larger than the steps on Mt Everest and must be descended in order to avoid further embarrassment to said grumpy old man. He bumps down them, success! Where are the bloody crutches? "Help, I need the crutches NOW!" Down the stairs they come flying, courtesy of the caring, loving "Handicapper".
Then I become aware of the spectacle of 6 lovely girls looking down impressively at me, "The Handicapper" scowling at me. When one of them pipes up, "you know KF I hope I can have as much fun as you when I am old", "The Handicapper" trumps her with, "thats not old, its senile", which gets me laughing my head off, and everyone joins in. Little do they realize how close I am to throwing up or peeing myself.

So this morning she won't talk to me because I have embarrassed myself. Well I don't feel embarrassed they all like me because they can relate to me. All of them talk to me quite openly about their lives,I think because they can see mine is an open book.

Anyway Fly, the alcohol didn't work.So I dragged myself out this afternoon and went to the hospital where I used all my acting skills honed at the Nativity plays from primary school all those long years ago to convince the registrar that the pain was unbearable and I just had to get a script. The x-rays convinced him. So here I am back on the couch, happy and content, Wales V France about to come on and I will have to get off these Oxy's shortly, but not just yet

By the way what does Quixote and Saintsational have to do with this

 

[saintsrfreak]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

I'd be more concerned with keeping my hands off the girls

 

[karmafree]

Re: Saintsational have banned me, seems like for good

Nearly past it my man, very discouraging when "the Handicapper" chips in with "whats wrong with you" to which I reply I have a headache. Tends to satisfy her as she has been using it for years against me.