Analysis The Genie in the Bottle - 10 Questions for Macca

[dogwatch]

While strolling along the beach near Ocean Grove recently I tripped on an old bottle and pitched face first into the sand. In anger I picked up the bottle and was just about to hurl it into the sea when I noticed it had some old lettering on it mostly covered in salt and sand. Thinking it might be a collector's item I started rubbing away at the glass to see if I could discern what it said. I could make out the year embossed on the base - "1954" - and as I rubbed it the bottle seemed to vibrate and glow in my hands. Suddenly there was a blinding flash and I again fell to the sand, this time landing on my rump. As I sat their blinking I was still slightly dazzled, so it took me a while to realise that a cloud of smoke had issued from the bottle and was forming into a human like figure in the air just above me. It had old ankle-length leather boots with nailed-in studs.

Gathering my wits and recalling the story of Aladdin and the Lamp I said "yo dude, you must be a genie who is about to give me three wishes, right?" Without waiting for an answer I prattled on. "Let me see, will it be Jennifer Hawkins, or ummm ..." But before I could articulate my fantasy the figure spoke with terrible wrath and authority. "SHUT YOUR FACE!" it commanded.

It went on: "I am the spirit of Allan Hopkins and I am not to be trifled with!".

"WHO?" I interjected. The being seemed taken aback and mellowed slightly.

"Call yourself a true Son of the West and you don't know who Allan Hopkins is ... errr ... was? I was Footscray's first superstar in the VFL and won its first ever Brownlow Medal in 1930. Back in the 1980s I was intent on returning to Footscray to bring renewed powers to the team and the administration but an evil beer baron captured me and sealed me in this bottle. He cackled something about my tragic history and kept me imprisoned for years until he passed the bottle on as a memento to some cardboard maker. I sat in his yacht for years but was eventually thrown overboard and came to be washed up on this beach. I have been waiting for years for someone to release me and I was going to kill the fool that did so, but I see you are wearing a red white and blue scarf so I'm going to spare you."

"Th-thanks" I stuttered, "but don't I get any wishes at all?"

"SILENCE!" the spirit bellowed, "Don't you know the Age of Entitlement is over?" but then it softened again.

"Look I can see you aren't that bad deep down and I know you are puzzled by the dismal season just finished. I'll tell you what I will do. You have until 4pm on 3rd September to give me 10 questions that you would like answered by Brendan McCartney. I will hypnotise him and get him to read your questions out loud at the Best and Fairest Awards that night and I will make sure he gives honest answers to the assembled faithful."

"Well, OK, I guess that's better than being bashed in the head by candymanwb 's flagpole" I replied. "So how do I get these questions to you?"

"Easy peasy" said the spirit, "just get consensus on them in a Big Footy thread and I will find them, but remember they must be agreed by 4pm on Wednesday!"

"Well thanks a heap, smoky" I said, "how am I going to get consensus when there's fellas like immortalmike , Mattdougie , theAthenian and ivan rassmussen going hammer and tongs at each other all day and night?"

"Your problem buddy" it replied and before I could ask anything else it had vanished!


So there you have it. Pretty straightforward really. We need to get our ten questions together by 4pm Wednesday. I started off a list but quickly realised there were about a thousand questions I wanted to ask! Here’s just a few of them.
Maybe you could help me add a few more and then we’ll whittle them down to ...

The 10 Questions We'd Like Macca to Answer​

1. What are the reasons for Mark Austin getting a game ahead of Roberts and Talia for the last few months? Do you rate Mark or is he just filling in while the other two develop?
2. What is it that Michael Talia has to fix and why has it taken all year for him to fix it?
3. You acknowledged after Round 1 that we were “a tall short” yet you persisted with the same (and at times a worse) height-challenged team structure in virtually every game. What is the rationale? Is it a coaching/learning thing or do you really think it is the right structure to win games and finals?
4. What is the game plan?
5. Has Jordan Roughead indeed been plagued by shoulder and possibly groin injuries for much of the year? If so – and if he’s been performing well below his optimum – what was the purpose of playing him every week and then sending him off for medical treatment with one round to go?
6. Why has tackling and defensive pressure fallen away so much in the latter part of the season? Have you de-emphasised it in any way or are we just cooked?
7. What was going on with Cooney a few weeks back and why did you persist when he was either way underdone after injury or just not putting in? What’s wrong with waiting until he shows form in the VFL side before bringing him back?
8. Is Jarrad Grant coachable? What role do you expect him to actually play if he stays on in 2015? (Not what would you like to happen – what do you think can and will happen?)
9. What are Peter Gordon's expectations of the team for 2015. Is your job on the line if these aren't met?
10. Why don’t you hide Matthew Boyd’s obvious disposal deficiencies by playing him in some other role (like a tagger)?
11. How many wins did you really expect us to get this year and where did you really think we’d finish?
12. In press conferences are you able to raise each eyebrow independently or can you only do it with one of them?
13. What’s going on with Will Minson? Has he been battling injury all year? Why drop him for one week when the season is nearly over? Were you trying to see how we’d go if Will was no longer around? Is he now surplus to requirements?

Oh, and one more thing. I had a really disturbed sleep the next night and as I lay there staring at the ceiling the spirit of Allan Hopkins came and visited me. It seemed uncharacteristically sheepish.

“What is it now?" I asked.

“Ummm, look … I’m going to be pretty busy the next few days,” It said. “I’ve got a few scores to settle so it’s just possible I might not get over to Macca’s place.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, what I’m coming to is I'm sorry but you might just have to work out the answers to these questions yourself. You’re all pretty smart cookies on the Footscra- I mean on the Western Bulldogs board. You'll be fine.”

I started to mouth a vile expletive but before any sound came from my throat Hoppo was gone.

 

[timtamWB]

So many questions.

How does a spirit trapped for 30+ years and only just released know who our current coach is?
Likewise, how does said spirit know about BigFooty?
How does a spirit captured in the 1980's know that we are now the Western Bulldogs?
How does any Bulldogs supporter not know who Allan Hopkins is?

And who the hell greets a genie with "Yo dude"??

 

[Dry Rot]

And who the hell greets a genie with "Yo dude"??

Assistant meth cooks in Albequeque

 

[candymanwb]

While strolling along the beach near Ocean Grove recently I tripped on an old bottle and pitched face first into the sand. In anger I picked up the bottle and was just about to hurl it into the sea when I noticed it had some old lettering on it mostly covered in salt and sand. Thinking it might be a collector's item I started rubbing away at the glass to see if I could discern what it said. I could make out the year embossed on the base - "1954" - and as I rubbed it the bottle seemed to vibrate and glow in my hands. Suddenly there was a blinding flash and I again fell to the sand, this time landing on my rump. As I sat their blinking I was still slightly dazzled, so it took me a while to realise that a cloud of smoke had issued from the bottle and was forming into a human like figure in the air just above me. It had old ankle-length leather boots with nailed-in studs.

Gathering my wits and recalling the story of Aladdin and the Lamp I said "yo dude, you must be a genie who is about to give me three wishes, right?" Without waiting for an answer I prattled on. "Let me see, will it be Jennifer Hawkins, or ummm ..." But before I could articulate my fantasy the figure spoke with terrible wrath and authority. "SHUT YOUR FACE!" it commanded.

It went on: "I am the spirit of Allan Hopkins and I am not to be trifled with!".

"WHO?" I interjected. The being seemed taken aback and mellowed slightly.

"Call yourself a true Son of the West and you don't know who Allan Hopkins is ... errr ... was? I was Footscray's first superstar in the VFL and won its first ever Brownlow Medal in 1930. Back in the 1980s I was intent on returning to Footscray to bring renewed powers to the team and the administration but an evil beer baron captured me and sealed me in this bottle. He cackled something about my tragic history and kept me imprisoned for years until he passed the bottle on as a memento to some cardboard maker. I sat in his yacht for years but was eventually thrown overboard and came to be washed up on this beach. I have been waiting for years for someone to release me and I was going to kill the fool that did so, but I see you are wearing a red white and blue scarf so I'm going to spare you."

"Th-thanks" I stuttered, "but don't I get any wishes at all?"

"SILENCE!" the spirit bellowed, "Don't you know the Age of Entitlement is over?" but then it softened again.

"Look I can see you aren't that bad deep down and I know you are puzzled by the dismal season just finished. I'll tell you what I will do. You have until 4pm on 3rd September to give me 10 questions that you would like answered by Brendan McCartney. I will hypnotise him and get him to read your questions out loud at the Best and Fairest Awards that night and I will make sure he gives honest answers to the assembled faithful."

"Well, OK, I guess that's better than being bashed in the head by candymanwb 's flagpole" I replied. "So how do I get these questions to you?"

"Easy peasy" said the spirit, "just get consensus on them in a Big Footy thread and I will find them, but remember they must be agreed by 4pm on Wednesday!"

"Well thanks a heap, smoky" I said, "how am I going to get consensus when there's fellas like immortalmike , Mattdougie , theAthenian and ivan rassmussen going hammer and tongs at each other all day and night?"

"Your problem buddy" it replied and before I could ask anything else it had vanished!


So there you have it. Pretty straightforward really. We need to get our ten questions together by 4pm Wednesday. I started off a list but quickly realised there were about a thousand questions I wanted to ask! Here’s just a few of them.
Maybe you could help me add a few more and then we’ll whittle them down to ...

The 10 Questions We'd Like Macca to Answer​

1. What are the reasons for Mark Austin getting a game ahead of Roberts and Talia for the last few months? Do you rate Mark or is he just filling in while the other two develop?
2. What is it that Michael Talia has to fix and why has it taken all year for him to fix it?
3. You acknowledged after Round 1 that we were “a tall short” yet you persisted with the same (and at times a worse) height-challenged team structure in virtually every game. What is the rationale? Is it a coaching/learning thing or do you really think it is the right structure to win games and finals?
4. What is the game plan?
5. Has Jordan Roughead indeed been plagued by shoulder and possibly groin injuries for much of the year? If so – and if he’s been performing well below his optimum – what was the purpose of playing him every week and then sending him off for medical treatment with one round to go?
6. Why has tackling and defensive pressure fallen away so much in the latter part of the season? Have you de-emphasised it in any way or are we just cooked?
7. What was going on with Cooney a few weeks back and why did you persist when he was either way underdone after injury or just not putting in? What’s wrong with waiting until he shows form in the VFL side before bringing him back?
8. Is Jarrad Grant coachable? What role do you expect him to actually play if he stays on in 2015? (Not what would you like to happen – what do you think can and will happen?)
9. What are Peter Gordon's expectations of the team for 2015. Is your job on the line if these aren't met?
10. Why don’t you hide Matthew Boyd’s obvious disposal deficiencies by playing him in some other role (like a tagger)?
11. How many wins did you really expect us to get this year and where did you really think we’d finish?
12. In press conferences are you able to raise each eyebrow independently or can you only do it with one of them?
13. What’s going on with Will Minson? Has he been battling injury all year? Why drop him for one week when the season is nearly over? Were you trying to see how we’d go if Will was no longer around? Is he now surplus to requirements?

Oh, and one more thing. I had a really disturbed sleep the next night and as I lay there staring at the ceiling the spirit of Allan Hopkins came and visited me. It seemed uncharacteristically sheepish.

“What is it now?" I asked.

“Ummm, look … I’m going to be pretty busy the next few days,” It said. “I’ve got a few scores to settle so it’s just possible I might not get over to Macca’s place.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, what I’m coming to is I'm sorry but you might just have to work out the answers to these questions yourself. You’re all pretty smart cookies on the Footscra- I mean on the Western Bulldogs board. You'll be fine.”

I started to mouth a vile expletive but before any sound came from my throat Hoppo was gone.

You're just jealous that you didn't get hit in the head by my flagpole!

 

[TheHoneyBadger]

Ripper thread, dogwatch. I couldn't visit without offering my opinion, a trait of mine that you'd be well acquainted with

I'll answer yours, and then I'll provide a couple if I'm not too tired.

1. Essentially, that'd be it. The idea (I would imagine) is that Roberts and Talia are responsible for marshalling the defence at VFL level and don't have a wiser head in Roughie or Moz to fall back on - they're doing it without training wheels in the VFL, and Austin, an unskilled journeyman, is wearing the wrath of the supporters as a result. If they rated him, he would've been upgraded at the end of last year, not elevated to the main list after a less than inspiring first half of the year in the VFL. Has stopgap written all over him.
2. Talia found himself struggling to keep up with the game, and while relatively accountable for the most part, it was just silly little lapses and inexperience that cost him his spot. He was sent back to be accountable for an entire backline at a level he'd be more comfortable with, this part of his development not occurring to the detriment of the AFL side. It's hard to say this, because Austin's presence is to the AFL side's detriment, in my opinion, but ultimately in this situation, Talia's development comes first - he might concede as many or less than Austin, but he'd end up being the same stopgap if not for this. I think he'll emerge as a more mature, settled and intelligent defender as a result.
3. I cannot see how it is anything but a learning experience/coaching technique, and perhaps an unwillingness to disturb the Roberts/Talia plan and get games into forwards that we don't rate. I think we'd be much better off playing a more traditional structure because it'd give us a greater opportunity to win games, settle the side and set a few tactical moves in concrete (ie. midfield delivery to different structures, how forward regulars eg. Dahlhaus are handled). I'd expect far better in the long run, because it's a structure that won't allow the talls to compete aerially, nor the smalls against more capable utility defenders that take on talls and smalls.
4. I'm not all that sure how to answer this. We seem to try and direct a lot of our play through half back, even when winning the center clearance and clearing it forward of center, but other than that, our disposal and forward movement have been so panicky and wayward this year that it's hard to pinpoint a distinct game style at times. That's not to suggest it's not there, as we're playing an intense, fast, physical brand of football that is tough to maintain, particularly when we're asking a few young players to drive this brand.
5. I'd suggest playing Roughead was damage control, to an extent. We desperately needed him, particularly after we were slaughtered in the air by Adelaide and Carlton in his absence. I don't know why we put him out to pasture with a round to go, though. Needed to happen far earlier if at all, and the Roberts/Talia duo could've been trialed at AFL level. Clearly if he's going for surgery he's in a bit of strife, and he's constantly been down on his haunches. He's a much better defender than his recent record reflects, all in all.
6. I'd suggest it's a lack of fitness. We already looked slow and unfit compared to teams with plenty of drive from half back, such as Essendon (slaughtered by their defense in Round 7) and North Melbourne. The flaw in that argument, however, is that the kids with 1-3 preseasons, such as Hrovat, Bontempelli and Stringer, have looked as fit as a fiddle, whereas more experienced players look as cooked as a batch of blue sky. McCartney often talks about players deviating from stoppage structures, which I'd imagine leads to a huge net loss in defensive pressure and tackling over the course of the game, if it's not just a failure in how he and the line coaches have them setting up in the first place. Ultimately though, McCartney coached teams have proven adept at dominating these KPIs before, so I'd imagine it's a combination of mental and physical fatigue across the squad in general.
7. Perhaps he considered it best to get AFL games into Cooney, as we'd have been wasting time easing him into being comfortable at VFL level and then doing the same at AFL level. That said, he spoke about getting 'miles into the legs', and we'd have been better for playing an inexperienced kid with fresh legs and allowing the Coondog to run himself into some form and fitness for Footscray, considering his presence at the end of the year really wouldn't (and didn't, with hindsight) mean all that much.
8. Grant is the cream on the cake, not the cake itself. He's coachable, and I believe he's played his role when he's been in this year, but he simply isn't going to raise the bar and bring teammates into the game for as long as he's in a poor team. He'll kick 40+ goals in a team like Hawthorn's, but he'll do very little in an ordinary Bulldogs side. I'd like for him to stick around, because the side isn't as far off as some suggest, and when we're playing well, he brings a lot to the table. Should he stay on, I'd expect him to take a back seat in the AFL forward structure as Jones, Crameri and [RECRUIT] provide their usual output, but with increased accountability and desperation. Grant will be all the better for that.
9. Peter Gordon expects us to be the ones who knock in 2015. In all seriousness, he'll expect tangible progression, reason for optimism, the emergence of a few players and a few more wins in games where we just needed to chalk one up. But no, McCartney's job won't be on the line for another 18 months, at least.
10. Because that's Wallis' role - that said, Wallis is out, and Boyd hasn't been playing that role. Instead, he's increased the risk of his disposals, and he's butchered it. I'll stick up for Boyd, he's a warrior and his disposal generally isn't that poor, but he's being played to his flaws, not to his strengths, and it's time the outside midfield structure was rejigged to give him a better chance to succeed.
11. I expected 10 wins and 10th place, contrary to my optimistic pre-season prediction, but that's without taking into account the myriad of poorly timed injuries, our inventive and quirky methods of blowing games, and our late season fadeout. We should've beaten Carlton, Adelaide, Essendon x2, Brisbane and GWS, and even taking out the wins against Richmond and Collingwood for balance's sake (games we should've lost), that gives us 11 wins, one outside the top eight.
12. I don't think I'm fit to answer this one, haha. Too late to think too much about it.
13. He is not surplus to requirements unless we bring in another big bodied ruckman (hello Tom Bellchambers) who will compete on a weekly basis. Dropping him was an exercise in futility, aside from allowing Campbell and Cordy to test the water against the ladder leading Swans (both looked reasonably good, in my opinion), but they won't be our ruck duo in 2015, so it wasn't a glimpse into the future. He's looked cooked for most of the year, but he's rucked with heart and more often than not, he's won the day.

Yeah, nobody's gonna read all that. Sums up my indifference, optimism, probable lack of any idea, and disappointment with the season, though. Was fun thinking it all through.

My questions:

1. Why, at AFL and VFL level, do we persist with playing the right wing (from the player kicking the ball out's perspective), even when the ball constantly pings straight back into the defensive arc? I understand that we'll probably be cut to ribbons going through the corridor, but countless unrewarded leads and forward thrusts open up on the other side of the ground.
2. Why was Fletcher Roberts twice dropped from the AFL side, despite excelling in a defensive role even while needlessly being shifted forward?
3. Where do we see the improvement coming from, seeing as we often talk about getting better? Does it lie in our accuracy in front of goals, our foot skills, our delivery to our forwards, or is it just a lack of personnel?

 

[Dav1d]

the question I'd love to have answered now is
What are Peter Gordon's expectations for the team in 2015?

 

[candymanwb]

the question I'd love to have answered now is
What are Peter Gordon's expectations for the team in 2015?

For the duration of Maccas reign as coach so far, we have not set ourselves an end of season target or a benchmark.
I think 2015 needs to be the year that we set one.

 

[dogwatch]

Excellent post NathanMJ_WB54 - some very credible answers there. Too late to contemplate them (or the new questions ) just now.

Tomorrow.

 

[dogwatch]

So many questions.

How does a spirit trapped for 30+ years and only just released know who our current coach is?
Likewise, how does said spirit know about BigFooty?
How does a spirit captured in the 1980's know that we are now the Western Bulldogs?
How does any Bulldogs supporter not know who Allan Hopkins is?

And who the hell greets a genie with "Yo dude"??

That's the wonderful thing about genies.

 

[ivan rassmussen]

"Hammer and tongs all day and night."

I'd post about 10% at most compared to many on here. Why bother anyway, apparently he'll be sacked next year.

Anyway, I met Hoppy once - nice old fella.

 

[Bont2Bruce]

The 10 Questions We'd Like Macca to Answer​

1. What are the reasons for Mark Austin getting a game ahead of Roberts and Talia for the last few months? Do you rate Mark or is he just filling in while the other two develop?
2. What is it that Michael Talia has to fix and why has it taken all year for him to fix it?
3. You acknowledged after Round 1 that we were “a tall short” yet you persisted with the same (and at times a worse) height-challenged team structure in virtually every game. What is the rationale? Is it a coaching/learning thing or do you really think it is the right structure to win games and finals?
4. What is the game plan?
5. Has Jordan Roughead indeed been plagued by shoulder and possibly groin injuries for much of the year? If so – and if he’s been performing well below his optimum – what was the purpose of playing him every week and then sending him off for medical treatment with one round to go?
6. Why has tackling and defensive pressure fallen away so much in the latter part of the season? Have you de-emphasised it in any way or are we just cooked?
7. What was going on with Cooney a few weeks back and why did you persist when he was either way underdone after injury or just not putting in? What’s wrong with waiting until he shows form in the VFL side before bringing him back?
8. Is Jarrad Grant coachable? What role do you expect him to actually play if he stays on in 2015? (Not what would you like to happen – what do you think can and will happen?)
9. What are Peter Gordon's expectations of the team for 2015. Is your job on the line if these aren't met?
10. Why don’t you hide Matthew Boyd’s obvious disposal deficiencies by playing him in some other role (like a tagger)?
11. How many wins did you really expect us to get this year and where did you really think we’d finish?
12. In press conferences are you able to raise each eyebrow independently or can you only do it with one of them?
13. What’s going on with Will Minson? Has he been battling injury all year? Why drop him for one week when the season is nearly over? Were you trying to see how we’d go if Will was no longer around? Is he now surplus to requirements?

Great post. I especially loved that the list of 10 actually has 13 numbered items and in fact 25 questions.

 

[TempleKelvington]

I have 2.

1. Why did you persist with Mark Austin ahead of Talia and Roberts. Was he developing them at Footscray or does he think Austin is a better long term prospect?
2. Why did we not structure our forward line with at at least 2 talls for most of the year?

 

[ivan rassmussen]

"Hammer and tongs all day and night."

I'd post about 10% at most compared to many on here. Why bother anyway, apparently he'll be sacked next year.

Anyway, I met Hoppy once - nice old fella.

 

[dogwatch]

"Hammer and tongs all day and night."

I'd post about 10% at most compared to many on here. Why bother anyway, apparently he'll be sacked next year.

Anyway, I met Hoppy once - nice old fella.

Chill. It's a piece of fiction. I thought you might have noticed that.

Anyway what was Hoppy like? Any anecdotes?

 

[dogwatch]

I have 2.

1. Why did you persist with Mark Austin ahead of Talia and Roberts. Was he developing them at Footscray or does he think Austin is a better long term prospect?
2. Why did we not structure our forward line with at at least 2 talls for most of the year?

#1 is in there (see my #1).
#2 is a good one. I do mention team structure/balance/talls but this is being a bit more specific. It begs the slightly broader question of what is the ideal forward structure and how far off it are we in terms of having the right personnel.

 

[Pannalstaroz]

My question:

"Dear Brendan, I like your demeanour with the media, you're approachable and you seem to get the best out of young men. But what's the deal with your nose?"

 

[lachy]

I have to say dogwatch, besides having 25 questions in 10 questions, what a great post. I would pay good money to see these questions asked and answered. Particularly if there was a facilitator to ask further elaborative questions given the answers provided

 

[dogwatch]

I have to say dogwatch, besides having 25 questions in 10 questions, what a great post. I would pay good money to see these questions asked and answered. Particularly if there was a facilitator to ask further elaborative questions given the answers provided

Maybe our BF reps at the B&F night might sink a few sherbets and muster the courage to ask a few questions...?

Seriously though, this was the underlying point of the thread. We've been second-guessing certain things all year long and it occurred to me what a revelation it would be (and how many debates it would settle) if we could just have a candid session with Macca. I don't think for a minute it will happen but it might be useful to nail the 10 key issues (OK, they aren't just 10 questions) that we would like resolved.

 

[lachy]

Maybe our BF reps at the B&F night might sink a few sherbets and muster the courage to ask a few questions...?

Seriously though, this was the underlying point of the thread. We've been second-guessing certain things all year long and it occurred to me what a revelation it would be (and how many debates it would settle) if we could just have a candid session with Macca. I don't think for a minute it will happen but it might be useful to nail the 10 key issues (OK, they aren't just 10 questions) that we would like resolved.

Well Collingwood are having their fan forum, we should have one too

Key to anything like that though is to not get personal even if you disagree

 

[True Dog]

Maybe our BF reps at the B&F night might sink a few sherbets and muster the courage to ask a few questions...?

Seriously though, this was the underlying point of the thread. We've been second-guessing certain things all year long and it occurred to me what a revelation it would be (and how many debates it would settle) if we could just have a candid session with Macca. I don't think for a minute it will happen but it might be useful to nail the 10 key issues (OK, they aren't just 10 questions) that we would like resolved.

Great post Dogwatch and an even better idea, I'd pay good money to be part of that sit down...

 

[immortalmike]

My question:

"Dear Brendan, I like your demeanour with the media, you're approachable and you seem to get the best out of young men. But what's the deal with your nose?"

Yeah that skin cancer is hilarious.

 

[ivan rassmussen]

Chill. It's a piece of fiction. I thought you might have noticed that.

Anyway what was Hoppy like? Any anecdotes?

Hey, no issue.

He was at a player's function at WO many years ago, basically got to say hello and that was about it. And in the days before modern phones, no "selfie" of me with the legend. Plus, I was very young (late teens), and while I knew exactly who he was, I wasn't confident enough to ask anything of any depth. I think i got a "how are you, young fella" and then, as there were lots of other past players there, he was moving off to catch up with them - I'm pretty sure Norm Ware was there, and guys from the 60s and 70s. Sorry, no stories from the good old days or anything.

 

[DognBones]

While strolling along the beach near Ocean Grove recently I tripped on an old bottle and pitched face first into the sand. In anger I picked up the bottle and was just about to hurl it into the sea when I noticed it had some old lettering on it mostly covered in salt and sand. Thinking it might be a collector's item I started rubbing away at the glass to see if I could discern what it said. I could make out the year embossed on the base - "1954" - and as I rubbed it the bottle seemed to vibrate and glow in my hands. Suddenly there was a blinding flash and I again fell to the sand, this time landing on my rump. As I sat their blinking I was still slightly dazzled, so it took me a while to realise that a cloud of smoke had issued from the bottle and was forming into a human like figure in the air just above me. It had old ankle-length leather boots with nailed-in studs.

Gathering my wits and recalling the story of Aladdin and the Lamp I said "yo dude, you must be a genie who is about to give me three wishes, right?" Without waiting for an answer I prattled on. "Let me see, will it be Jennifer Hawkins, or ummm ..." But before I could articulate my fantasy the figure spoke with terrible wrath and authority. "SHUT YOUR FACE!" it commanded.

It went on: "I am the spirit of Allan Hopkins and I am not to be trifled with!".

"WHO?" I interjected. The being seemed taken aback and mellowed slightly.

"Call yourself a true Son of the West and you don't know who Allan Hopkins is ... errr ... was? I was Footscray's first superstar in the VFL and won its first ever Brownlow Medal in 1930. Back in the 1980s I was intent on returning to Footscray to bring renewed powers to the team and the administration but an evil beer baron captured me and sealed me in this bottle. He cackled something about my tragic history and kept me imprisoned for years until he passed the bottle on as a memento to some cardboard maker. I sat in his yacht for years but was eventually thrown overboard and came to be washed up on this beach. I have been waiting for years for someone to release me and I was going to kill the fool that did so, but I see you are wearing a red white and blue scarf so I'm going to spare you."

"Th-thanks" I stuttered, "but don't I get any wishes at all?"

"SILENCE!" the spirit bellowed, "Don't you know the Age of Entitlement is over?" but then it softened again.

"Look I can see you aren't that bad deep down and I know you are puzzled by the dismal season just finished. I'll tell you what I will do. You have until 4pm on 3rd September to give me 10 questions that you would like answered by Brendan McCartney. I will hypnotise him and get him to read your questions out loud at the Best and Fairest Awards that night and I will make sure he gives honest answers to the assembled faithful."

"Well, OK, I guess that's better than being bashed in the head by candymanwb 's flagpole" I replied. "So how do I get these questions to you?"

"Easy peasy" said the spirit, "just get consensus on them in a Big Footy thread and I will find them, but remember they must be agreed by 4pm on Wednesday!"

"Well thanks a heap, smoky" I said, "how am I going to get consensus when there's fellas like immortalmike , Mattdougie , theAthenian and ivan rassmussen going hammer and tongs at each other all day and night?"

"Your problem buddy" it replied and before I could ask anything else it had vanished!


So there you have it. Pretty straightforward really. We need to get our ten questions together by 4pm Wednesday. I started off a list but quickly realised there were about a thousand questions I wanted to ask! Here’s just a few of them.
Maybe you could help me add a few more and then we’ll whittle them down to ...

The 10 Questions We'd Like Macca to Answer​

1. What are the reasons for Mark Austin getting a game ahead of Roberts and Talia for the last few months? Do you rate Mark or is he just filling in while the other two develop?
2. What is it that Michael Talia has to fix and why has it taken all year for him to fix it?
3. You acknowledged after Round 1 that we were “a tall short” yet you persisted with the same (and at times a worse) height-challenged team structure in virtually every game. What is the rationale? Is it a coaching/learning thing or do you really think it is the right structure to win games and finals?
4. What is the game plan?
5. Has Jordan Roughead indeed been plagued by shoulder and possibly groin injuries for much of the year? If so – and if he’s been performing well below his optimum – what was the purpose of playing him every week and then sending him off for medical treatment with one round to go?
6. Why has tackling and defensive pressure fallen away so much in the latter part of the season? Have you de-emphasised it in any way or are we just cooked?
7. What was going on with Cooney a few weeks back and why did you persist when he was either way underdone after injury or just not putting in? What’s wrong with waiting until he shows form in the VFL side before bringing him back?
8. Is Jarrad Grant coachable? What role do you expect him to actually play if he stays on in 2015? (Not what would you like to happen – what do you think can and will happen?)
9. What are Peter Gordon's expectations of the team for 2015. Is your job on the line if these aren't met?
10. Why don’t you hide Matthew Boyd’s obvious disposal deficiencies by playing him in some other role (like a tagger)?
11. How many wins did you really expect us to get this year and where did you really think we’d finish?
12. In press conferences are you able to raise each eyebrow independently or can you only do it with one of them?
13. What’s going on with Will Minson? Has he been battling injury all year? Why drop him for one week when the season is nearly over? Were you trying to see how we’d go if Will was no longer around? Is he now surplus to requirements?

Oh, and one more thing. I had a really disturbed sleep the next night and as I lay there staring at the ceiling the spirit of Allan Hopkins came and visited me. It seemed uncharacteristically sheepish.

“What is it now?" I asked.

“Ummm, look … I’m going to be pretty busy the next few days,” It said. “I’ve got a few scores to settle so it’s just possible I might not get over to Macca’s place.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, what I’m coming to is I'm sorry but you might just have to work out the answers to these questions yourself. You’re all pretty smart cookies on the Footscra- I mean on the Western Bulldogs board. You'll be fine.”

I started to mouth a vile expletive but before any sound came from my throat Hoppo was gone.

Well Mr Dogwatch, can I assume from your carefully and creatively contrived contribution that you are an underemployed civil servant way up there in our grand capital? Surely a man with as much time on his hands as you must work for the Department of Administrative Affairs once headed by the forever flabbergasted James Hacker and inscrutable Sir Humphrey Appleby or have I got my countries wrong?
Blow me down, sir, I didn't associate imaginative and intelligent ideas with that particular department. Do you call this a White Paper or Questions With/Without Notice?
I will put some serious thought into your document in the fullness of time.

 

[Pannalstaroz]

Yeah that skin cancer is hilarious.

Way to suck the fun out of the forum

 

[immortalmike]

Way to suck the fun out of the forum

Just sick of people bringing his nose up almost four years after he was named coach. We all know what happened. It isn't funny. Some respect should be given.
And I'm the last one to suck the fun out of anything normally.