Just Kitten

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Today an attractive woman said I had the body of a person much younger than me, and wanted to know my secret.

However, my lawyer advised me not to answer the police woman's questions.
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied,
"My point exactly."
 

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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !" "I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try holding on for 8 seconds !"
 
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off so we don't get paint on them and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice ****. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
 

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I found this old joke from a few years ago, when news of the Bombers doping scandal broke. It's from a blog on the Blues' website, apparently- or so it was sent to me...

Dear Carlton Football Club,

For the past 100 years we've had a rich history of salary cap breaching, rape hush money, underworld ties, tanking, poaching players, draft tampering, owning Arden Street, VISY, corporate corruption, & brown paper bags. We have the biggest trophy cabinet in the league and decades of constant success driven by a win-at-all-costs mentality while showing utter disregard for all AFL rules. As a passionate supporter I have fully embraced our culture and I am extremely proud of what it had allowed us to achieve.

So when I heard about this systematic doping scandal I expected that, as a powerhouse club, we would be at the absolute forefront of this science. That we would have set up our own underground drug labs and the world's best sport scientists concocting all sorts of performance enhancing recipes in-house that no-one had ever heard of - anabolic leg injections to make Armfield kick straight, peptide pills that would cure Aaron Joseph's utter shitness and some sort of animal DNA mutation therapy to remove McLean's turtle-like qualities. We'd probably even be conducting illegal human testing on Norf's second tier playing list as a part of our ownership of their club.

But no, we are in the middle of the biggest cheating scandal in AFL history and Carlton is not even one little bit involved. Not a single mention, not even a hint of a mention. In fact the only drugs administered at the Carlton Football Club over the past few years are botox injections by Bryce Gibbs' beautician.

There may be loser clubs like the Saints & Bulldogs who would be happy to accept decades of mediocrity while playing within AFL rules - but not Carlton supporters. The fact that undetectable performance-enhancing drugs exist and we are not fully exploiting them to our advantage is an utter disgrace. It goes against the fabric and principles that this very club was built on.

You have changed, Carlton. You have lost the very identity that made you a huge success and the envy of 15 other clubs. Get back to your roots, cheat your hearts out and start ordering a few more shelves for our club's trophy cabinet.
 
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