Lame Jokes Part 2
- Thread starter Hard Ball Get
- Start date
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Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time........ I am just here for a few days.
"
Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
Wife says to husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says, "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab".
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships.......... 2 full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack
.
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back,
his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
The Chinese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised..... she wanted to rent her spare room out...piss funny that one
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time........ I am just here for a few days.
"Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"
Wife says to husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says, "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab".
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships.......... 2 full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack
.Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back,
his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
The Chinese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised..... she wanted to rent her spare room out...piss funny that one
- Feb 24, 2013
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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want. I do anyting, juss anyting you want - you juss ask."
"Now whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numma 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.."You want... Garlic Chicken with Bean Splouts and Corrifrowa?"
fuken LOL.
BrissyLions101
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Why were the West Coast Eagles frustrated with their insurance?
Because they weren't covered for David Hale
Because they weren't covered for David Hale
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My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised..... she wanted to rent her spare room out...piss funny that one
That one belongs in the pearlers thread.
Mahatma Gandhi, as is well known, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I sea. Was her name Shelly? Did you get crabs? Bet you two had a whale of a time. .... and so on!
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
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I sea. Was her name Shelly? Did you get crabs? Bet you two had a whale of a time. .... and so on!
Did he Wave hello to Sandy and was snubbed because she was a Beach?
Saw Austen Tayshus perform last week, he threw this one out there:
What's the best thing a about dating a homeless woman? Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere.
What's the best thing a about dating a homeless woman? Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere.
Footballwife
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Have you ever seen Ray Charles wife?.. no? Well neither has he!
A blonde became quite upset after her dog went missing. Her friend suggested placing an ad in the Lost and Found section of the newspaper. After one month nobody had responded to the ad.
"What did you write in the ad?" the friend asked.
The blonde replied, "Here boy!"
"What did you write in the ad?" the friend asked.
The blonde replied, "Here boy!"
epic
Heard this topical gold tonight:
Reports reveal one in Two and a Half Men are susceptible to HIV.
Reports reveal one in Two and a Half Men are susceptible to HIV.
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
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The sky's the limit.
Well, there goes my dream of being an Astronaut.
Well, there goes my dream of being an Astronaut.
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- #3,273
Australian Medical Term .............. Kiwi Definition
Artery.........................................The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................................Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign.........................................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...........................A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan.......................................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.....................................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................................A sheep dog
Coma..........................................A punctuation mark
Dilate..........................................To live long
Enema.........................................Not a friend
Fester.........................................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................................A small lie
Impotent......................................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain....................................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................................A higher offer
Nitrates........................................Rates of pay for working at night; normally more money than days
Node...........................................I knew it
Outpatient....................................A person who has fainted
Pelvis..........................................Second cousin to Elvis
Post-Operative...............................A letter carrier
Recovery Room..............................Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................................Nearly killed him
Secretion.....................................Hiding something
Seizure.......................................Roman Emperor
Tablet........................................A small table
Terminal Illness.............................Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................................One plus one more
Urine.........................................Opposite of you're out
Artery.........................................The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................................Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign.........................................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...........................A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan.......................................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.....................................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................................A sheep dog
Coma..........................................A punctuation mark
Dilate..........................................To live long
Enema.........................................Not a friend
Fester.........................................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................................A small lie
Impotent......................................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain....................................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................................A higher offer
Nitrates........................................Rates of pay for working at night; normally more money than days
Node...........................................I knew it
Outpatient....................................A person who has fainted
Pelvis..........................................Second cousin to Elvis
Post-Operative...............................A letter carrier
Recovery Room..............................Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................................Nearly killed him
Secretion.....................................Hiding something
Seizure.......................................Roman Emperor
Tablet........................................A small table
Terminal Illness.............................Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................................One plus one more
Urine.........................................Opposite of you're out
Why can't Ray Charles see any of his friends? Cos he's married.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
Because she was a woman.
