Media Pants Finds A Home

[Tonga Bob]

Hello. I am speaking to those of you who utilise the garment known as pants. Anyone else can tune out for a little bit, I'll give you a nudge when it's time to pay attention again.

There are many different ways to deal with your pants after you've worn and/or washed them so that you are confident in answering the inevitable follow up question of "Where are my pants?". You can fold them up using any number of techniques and store them in a drawer or a shelf or something like that. You can roll and tuck them in order to minimise space. You can put them on a clothes hanger and hang them in a wardrobe. You can put them in a laundry hamper if they get smelly. You can just leave them on the floor where you take them off. You can put them in the fridge and wear them later when it's hot as balls. You could never take you pants off ever and just live in them until the end of time. Or you could nail them up to a wall and call them art. Whatever you do with your pants, you give them a home.

[you can pay attention again pantsless readers]

Just like the aforementioned garment, the Sweet FA's very own pantskyle has had many different places to be stored in his 370 game career. Eight clubs, at least three personas, several flirtations with retirement - our female anthropomorphic robot orangutan has certainly been here and there, and here again. And even though there have been many pitstops in pantskyle's career, he has only ever had one home - the Coney Island Warriors. He has spent nearly half of his time in the SFA at Van Cortlandt Park and although the majority of his numerous accolades have been won elsewhere, this week's game sees pantskyle play his 150th in the famous persimmon guernsey and in so doing becomes the sixteenth person to earn Life Membership of the Coney Island Warriors!

I could go on and on about the impact pantskyle has had on both the club and the league, but I won't. Instead I'll hand it over his OG sparring partner The Filth Wizard to tell us his version of events:
​

I've been harassed a couple of times over a number of weeks to say something about @pantskyle's 150th game, and resulting Warriors life membership, by our steamed leader Tongan Robert which is a bit f***ing annoying because TIF has played 145 games with him and I've only been a Warrior for two seasons or more.

I don't remember the first time I met pants but I'm sure he was crying about something. I once described him as a child that used to love curling up on the toilet with a good book. He has done one night "hard time" in prison because none of his parents wanted to pick him up. He could have been an AFL footballer if he didn't stay a shorty and if he cared. He once applied for the job of CEO of Sony Australia. On that day he also applied for the job of a "must speak Chinese" Dim Sim maker. He is a man of aspirations and perspirations.

Fast forward to a random afternoon over a decade ago when he said to me "you ever heard about this Sweet FA thing" which was a weird introduction as we hadn't spoken for a few years but keen on conflict resolution I thought I would take a look. It was clear that this once boring pocket of BigFooty had started a renaissance (which I was sure to complete) and front and centre was pantskyle's abrasive attitude (attitude era? note to self) and a manouvering to a more banter driven competition. Finally after years we had something to bond us and bond we did, occasionally chatting before eventually joining forces once and for all at the Hawks (the terrible rebrand from the Phoenix) after he had shaken up the league as the founder of the Las Vegas Bears, our last victim.

Since then, nobody has retired more times than pantskyle. He may be retired right now. He was one delisted in season by the Wonders which is basically rock bottom. He is the only player in the league to wear white socks exclusively on field. He has been been described as the palest player the league has ever seen but to be fair there is little sustenance to be gleaned within my shadow. He is definitely strawberry blonde. He is abso-f***ing-lutely "not nice now" and don't fall for it. More than anything 150 games at one club says this, for a man that has played at 8 clubs perhaps he has finally found his home. And as weird as it is that somebody not in the Warriors life membership group is welcoming him into it, I am glad he has finally found peace. May his ghost haunt this league until the end of time (or expansion).​

I honestly can't think of anything else to add to such an eloquent summary, so please join me in congratulating pantskyle on receiving Coney Island Life Membership, one of Sweet's most exclusive accolades. Get around him!!!!

​

 

[pantskyle]

What an awkward time to announce that I am leaving.

Also the below is actually 100% true:

I don't remember the first time I met pants but I'm sure he was crying about something. I once described him as a child that used to love curling up on the toilet with a good book. He has done one night "hard time" in prison because none of his parents wanted to pick him up. He could have been an AFL footballer if he didn't stay a shorty and if he cared. He once applied for the job of CEO of Sony Australia. On that day he also applied for the job of a "must speak Chinese" Dim Sim maker. He is a man of aspirations and perspirations.

I also sat with the North Melbourne Cheer squad at a game and tried to sneak off with one of those giant flags. A gift it was to be for my lovely brother, icefreak.

 

[spudmaster]

Congrats to everybody's favourite female robotic orangutan and enjoy the many perks that no doubt come with life membership at the Wazzas. You're a beaut one mate!

Lovely writeup Bob and great tribute Filthy.

 

[pantskyle]

Congrats to everybody's favourite female robotic orangutan and enjoy the many perks that no doubt come with life membership at the Wazzas. You're a beaut one mate!

Lovely writeup Bob and great tribute Filthy.

Powering down.

 

[Wosh]

I love you pantskyle
Proper Gander and I can’t wait to play with you at the Melons next season

 

[pantskyle]

I love you pantskyle
Proper Gander and I can’t wait to play with you at the Melons next season

Can I be captain?

 

[T2B_]

I was going to say "Who?" but I literally have a pants badge so that wouldn't look good.

Congrats on your thing pantskyle !

 

[pantskyle]

I was going to say "Who?" but I literally have a pants badge so that wouldn't look good.

Congrats on your thing pantskyle !

It's not really that great so feel free to s**t on me.

 

[T2B_]

It's not really that great so feel free to s**t on me.

I am rather good at pants shitting.

Wait...

 

[Wosh]

Can I be captain?

Of my heart?

Yes.

 

[pantskyle]

Of my heart?

Yes.

Pass.

 

[Wosh]

Pass.

Is that a new tinder feature?

 

[Braklet]

I'd do my usual "big thing" schtick, but is Wazza life membership really that big a thing?

I'm just glad pantskyle is nice now...

Whatever, good on all of you miscreants for the free entertainment you provide the rest of the Sweet FA!

 

[Proper Gander]

What an awkward time to announce that I am leaving.

Also the below is actually 100% true:

I don't remember the first time I met pants but I'm sure he was crying about something. I once described him as a child that used to love curling up on the toilet with a good book. He has done one night "hard time" in prison because none of his parents wanted to pick him up. He could have been an AFL footballer if he didn't stay a shorty and if he cared. He once applied for the job of CEO of Sony Australia. On that day he also applied for the job of a "must speak Chinese" Dim Sim maker. He is a man of aspirations and perspirations.

I also sat with the North Melbourne Cheer squad at a game and tried to sneak off with one of those giant flags. A gift it was to be for my lovely brother, icefreak.

This reads like Spike Milligan only with drugs

 

[krakouers]

This reads like Spike Milligan only with drugs

So you’ve met pantskyle then?

 

[Wosh]

It's not really that great so feel free to s**t on me.

Hows these babies?

 

[Robertio]

Congrats pantskyle on becoming a Warriors lifer.

 

[TheInjuryFactory]

Wow.

Anyway, happy birthday hubby

 

[pantskyle]

Wow.

Anyway, happy birthday hubby

I've settled.

 

[Elton Johns Wig]

I've settled.

Well done on staying at one club long enough for it to happen, something I'm yet to master.

 

[pantskyle]

Well done on staying at one club long enough for it to happen, something I'm yet to master.

Comes with age and the longer you're around the less offers one receives.

 

[The Majestic]

I wish my pants would find a home, I left them somewhere and they've never been seen again.

 

[Braklet]

I wish my pants would find a home, I left them somewhere and they've never been seen again.

Must be hard to find clothing that accommodates your massive tail.

 

[krakouers]

Must be hard to find clothing that accommodates your massive tail.

I thought it’s just a further sign of getting older…
I swear I had pants in my house more often

 

[The Majestic]

Must be hard to find clothing that accommodates your massive tail.

It really is, so when they go missing I get a little angry.