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My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
 
philreich said:
A class of 7 year olds has just returned to the classroom after lunch, and their teacher is going around the room, asking the kids what they did for lunch. She starts with Johnny, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Johnny says, "Mrs. Patterson: I played cars in the sandpit."

Mrs. Patterson says, "That sounds like fun, Johnny. OK - if you can spell CARS for me you can go home early."

Excitedly, Johnny says, "C-A-R-S."

The teacher says, "Well done. OK - we'll see you tomorrow."So Johnny is out the door faster than Usain Bolt.

Then the teacher asks Jenny, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Jenny says proudly, "Mrs. Patterson - I played cars in the sandpit with Johnny."

The teacher replies, "That's great, Jenny. OK: if you can spell SAND for me, you can go home early as well."

Without hesitating, the little girl says, "S-A-N-D."

Mrs. Patterson says, "Well done - see you tomorrow."

So Jenny exits the building faster than a Mitchell Starc yorker.

Then Mrs. Patterson says to Jimmy, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Jimmy puts on his sad face and says, "Mrs. Patterson: I wanted to play cars in the sandpit with Johnny and Jenny, but they wouldn't let me."

The teacher says, "OK Jimmy. If you can spell RACIAL DISCRIMINATION for me, you can go home early."
Click to expand...
I.... don't get it ?
 
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
 
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
 

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A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He walks over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming "It's your deer lady. It's your deer... just lemme get my saddle off it!!"
 
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed he calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years and says

Shirl when we started out, I tried to buy a business in the depression I went bust.
You were with me.

Oh yes I was Bruce, she says.

Then the war started, I joined up and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs.
You stayed with me.

Oh yes Bruce,I remember that.
Our whole life changed that day, she says.

Then I came home, couldn't get a job due to me disability, so I bought a farm.

Oh, yes Bruce They were bad times, she says.

Yes they were, Bruce said.
In that time the farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out.
You still stayed with me.

Oh yes Bruce, where else would I have gone?

Now here I am in excruciating pain, and I am about to die.
Totally useless and you're still with me.

Yes Bruce, until death do us part.

Shirl.

Yes, Bruce?

You're bloody bad luck.
 
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Two Paer players are in a locker room taking a shower after their team spa, when one flog notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his rear end.

'If yas domt mind me sayin,' stated the second, 'that cook looks very uncomfortataable; we were only taking a spa!!
You take it ouut now’:)

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Puffer. 'It is permanently stuck in my rectum.'

'I caart understand,' said the tarpster.

The first Puffer says, 'I was walking along Russell Street (no pun intended) and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff (pun intended) of smoke, and then a grey old man of aboriginal descent in Port Adelaide colours came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Creed, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

'I said, No s**t?'

God Bless The Crows:DAnd Geelong
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ""I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist."
 
Dating in the 60's:thumbsu:

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell...

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

'Oh yes,'she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James..

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the . . .. Twist!'
 
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