Drugs Are Bad Mackay?
Moderator
- May 24, 2006
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Meeting this week between coaching staff, captain and CEO
Neil Craig: Now, just to get this absolutely clear – this is not a crisis meeting.
Stephen Trigg: No, we’ve just gathered all the key people in the football department to have an open and frank discussion about… the rest of the season.
Neil Craig: So it’s not a crisis meeting and it has nothing to do with our 0-6 start to the year.
Stephen Trigg: I know we called it immediately after the Showdown loss but if you do any media during the week you’re to say that we’ve been planning this meeting since before the season began.
Neil Craig: Yeah, that should play well. Just a routine, scheduled gathering. Nothing unusual.
Stephen Trigg: So we’re clear? We won’t use the words ‘crisis meeting,’ ‘emergency summit’ or ‘panic stations’ when we talk with the press.
Neil Craig: And don’t call it a ‘think tank’ either. Some smartarse journo always make a joke about someone drowning in it.
Stephen Trigg: What was it we decided to call it Neil?… um… oh, that’s it: ‘Short and long term strategy monitoring.’
Peter Jonas: Whose idea was the meeting?
Neil Craig and Steven Trigg: Mine.
Steven Trigg: Errr… sort of both of ours… joint idea.
Neil Craig: Yeah that’s right.
Steven Trigg: It certainly wasn’t a directive from the Board.
Neil Craig: Certainly not.
Steven Trigg: No. (long pause) So, shall we get started?
Neil Craig: Yes. What we’re going to is go around the group. I want everyone to say what’s on their mind. No secrets. A chance for us to get everything out in the open. Stephen’s going to take notes and this meeting will form the basis of our action plan for the remainder of the season. Benny, how ‘bout you kick things off?
Ben Hart: I think everything is going fine. We’re doing really well. We should go with an unchanged line up this week.
Neil Craig: Benny… I value your input. I respect what you’re saying. But you’ve said that every week now, even when we’ve had a host of forced changes to the 22. I need something more from you. What do you think we need?
Ben Hart: (long pause, thinking hard) More discipline?
Neil Craig: …ok. (to Stephen Trigg) Did you get that down?
Stephen Trigg: No.
Neil Craig: Good. Matty, what about you – any ideas?
Matthew Clarke: I could pass on some tips to Ivan and Jonathan about improving their around the ground marking.
Neil Craig: (under breath) Oh, goodie.
Simon Goodwin: Yes?
Neil Craig: Nothing Simon. (to Stephen Trigg) Don’t write that down either. Good stuff Matty. Actually, Matty? Can I get you and Ben to go and set up the cones for training?
Ben Hart: Now?
Matthew Clarke: What about the crisis meeting?
Neil Craig: I think we’re just about done here. And it’s not a crisis meeting. I thought we made that clear?
<Matthew Clarke and Ben Hart exit>
Neil Craig: How long are those guys contracted for?
Stephen Trigg: Another year after this.
Neil Craig: F___. (Neil loosens his tie and undoes top button) Ok, let’s get started for real this time. People, what I want to hear are your ideas. Constructive stuff. No ideas are going to get shot down today. I want leftfield. Give me innovative, give me fun, give me radical… let’s cast off the shackles and come away with some really exciting ideas that will energise us and the playing group.
Todd Viney: Do you mean like, maybe bringing Walker in or something?
Neil Craig: Whoa, whoa, whoa… let’s not go crazy. I said radical. Not suicidal. We will never tank for draft picks under my watch.
Mark Bickley: (looking out window) Neil, it’s Ben and Matty. They’ve got the cones but they’re heading out to Max Basheer Reserve.
Neil Craig: (rolls eyes) Are they?
Mark Bickley: We’re on the main deck today aren’t we? Should someone tell them?
Neil Craig: Righto, moving on. Schwerdty, your thoughts?
Stephen Schwerdt: Well fitness-wise, we’ve still got our tapered training to come. We’ll start increasing our workload over the next few months before easing up just before finals.
<Short silence>
Phil Harper: Finals? Do we need to change that at all?
Neil Craig: We’re still a mathematical chance to make the finals. I don’t want to be known as a club that gives up on anything.
Phil Harper: I understand that-
Stephen Trigg: Sorry, Neil - are we still giving up on drafting Irishmen?
Neil Craig: Yeah, that’s the one exception.
Phil Harper: I’m not saying give up but we’re carrying a lot of injuries and I know a lot of the boys are pretty sore and jaded. Do we need to freshen them up and lighten the workload?
Neil Craig: Phil… we’re losing matches… and you’re suggesting that we do less work?! I’m sorry, but that’s not the foundation this club has been built on. When the going gets tough… In fact, during the bye weekend the players are going to compete in the Sydney-to-Melbourne road race. There’s also the World’s Strongest Man Competition and the Kelloggs Ironman Event up at Surfers. And we’re really going to up the ante on the bikes.
Phil Harper: Should they be practicing their goal kicking instead of all this other stuff?
Neil Craig: (incredulous) Goal kicking?! Have your read the latest AMA articles about the effects excessive kicking patterns at training have on elite level athletes? If we did goal kicking at training we’d end up with an injury list a mile long.
Todd Viney: Yeah, we wouldn’t want that...
Simon Goodwin: Neil, during the last leadership group meeting-
Neil Craig: Sorry Simon – who’s in the leadership group again?
Simon Goodwin: Me, Truck, Symesy, VB, Dogga…
Neil Craig: (closes eyes and opens imaginary envelope) What is… this weeks’ list of outs!
<every laughs except Simon Goodwin>
Mark Bickley: Youdaman, Neil!
Neil Craig: Sorry Simon, only joking. You guys are going great. Not your fault. Go on.
Simon Goodwin: Well, the leadership group was wondering if we could maybe take a few more risks. You know, kick to a contest sometimes or kick the ball long.
Neil Craig: Really?
Simon Goodwin: Yeah, we’re worried that the handball-possession game isn’t really working and we’re just putting ourselves under pressure.
Neil Craig: Look… I’m just really loathe to change anything now. We’ve been working on this ball movement since November. And the leadership group was part of the steering committee that came up with the game plan! We all had input. Now you want to back away from it?
Simon Goodwin: Yeah… nah. I mean… yeah… nah.
Neil Craig: (massaging temples) I knew this player empowerment thing would come back to bite us. “Leading Teams” my arse... leading teams up the shitter.
Alan Stewart: Neil, Jonah and I have been talking with some of the younger players, and there’s a bit of a feeling around the group that you don’t really trust them.
Peter Jonas: Yeah, some of them feel that you are just waiting for the older players to come back from injury so that you can drop them.
Neil Craig: Well, that’s ridiculous. I don’t have any problem giving young players a game. Except Walker. Never trust a bloke with two last names, that’s my policy. Two first names is ok. But I’ve always been a big believer in promoting youth.
Alan Stewart: Neil, you did cry in front of everyone when Stevo said that he’d need an extra couple of weeks for his concussion.
Neil Craig: Well, who wouldn’t be upset for the lad?
Peter Jonas: Yeah but did you have to drop to your knees and scream “that means Young’s in god dammit!” and pound your fists on the ground?
Neil Craig: (angry) Look, we’ve debuted 6 kids in 6 weeks. What more do you want?!
Stephen Trigg: Neil, settle-
Neil Craig: No! I’ve had a gutful of this Neil-Craig-hates-young-players crap. Cook, Davis, Petrenko, Doughty… these kids are all getting games and have been all season.
Peter Jonas: Doughty’s not a young player.
Neil Craig: What do you mean? How old’s Dogga?
Peter Jonas: 31.
Neil Craig: Bullshit.
Phil Harper: Yeah, he is.
Neil Craig: (turns to Stephen Trigg) What happened to our no B Graders over 30 policy?
Stephen Trigg: (shrugs shoulders) Forgot I guess.
Neil Craig: All you can do is shrug your shoulders? That policy cost us Ben Hudson!
<long awkward silence>
Neil Craig: What have we come up with so far?
Stephen Trigg: Let’s see… (reading) Less handballs. More young players…
Neil Craig: That’s it?
Stephen Trigg: That’s it.
Neil Craig: Oh well, it’s a start I guess. Well done people, one of our better efforts. We’ll give it a whirl this week. And if it doesn’t work, I’ve always got my standup comedy career to branch into. Actually Triggy, I’ve been working on some new material. I’ve got a knock-knock joke for you, it’s really funny. You have to start off though.
Stephen Trigg: Knock-knock.
Neil Craig: Who’s there?
Stephen Trigg: … (confused silence)
<Neil Craig and Mark Bickley wet themselves laughing>
Mark Bickley: Zing! Got him a beauty!
Neil Craig: I’ve got a few more. Why’s it called a Press Conference? There’s no iron there.
Mark Bickley: Heeheehee!
<everyone files out except Mark Bickley and Neil Craig>
Neil Craig: Why’s it called a Coaches Box? No one’s throwing punches.
Mark Bickley: Haha-… actually I don’t get that one.
Neil Craig: Ok, how about this one. Why’s it called a White Board? Is it because the players get bored reading it?
Mark Bickley: Bwahahahahah!!
Neil Craig: I’ve got a million of these. If it’s good to finish HIGH, why is it called the BrownLOW?
Mark Bickley: (clutching sides) Stop it!!! Please!!!
Neil Craig: Now, just to get this absolutely clear – this is not a crisis meeting.
Stephen Trigg: No, we’ve just gathered all the key people in the football department to have an open and frank discussion about… the rest of the season.
Neil Craig: So it’s not a crisis meeting and it has nothing to do with our 0-6 start to the year.
Stephen Trigg: I know we called it immediately after the Showdown loss but if you do any media during the week you’re to say that we’ve been planning this meeting since before the season began.
Neil Craig: Yeah, that should play well. Just a routine, scheduled gathering. Nothing unusual.
Stephen Trigg: So we’re clear? We won’t use the words ‘crisis meeting,’ ‘emergency summit’ or ‘panic stations’ when we talk with the press.
Neil Craig: And don’t call it a ‘think tank’ either. Some smartarse journo always make a joke about someone drowning in it.
Stephen Trigg: What was it we decided to call it Neil?… um… oh, that’s it: ‘Short and long term strategy monitoring.’
Peter Jonas: Whose idea was the meeting?
Neil Craig and Steven Trigg: Mine.
Steven Trigg: Errr… sort of both of ours… joint idea.
Neil Craig: Yeah that’s right.
Steven Trigg: It certainly wasn’t a directive from the Board.
Neil Craig: Certainly not.
Steven Trigg: No. (long pause) So, shall we get started?
Neil Craig: Yes. What we’re going to is go around the group. I want everyone to say what’s on their mind. No secrets. A chance for us to get everything out in the open. Stephen’s going to take notes and this meeting will form the basis of our action plan for the remainder of the season. Benny, how ‘bout you kick things off?
Ben Hart: I think everything is going fine. We’re doing really well. We should go with an unchanged line up this week.
Neil Craig: Benny… I value your input. I respect what you’re saying. But you’ve said that every week now, even when we’ve had a host of forced changes to the 22. I need something more from you. What do you think we need?
Ben Hart: (long pause, thinking hard) More discipline?
Neil Craig: …ok. (to Stephen Trigg) Did you get that down?
Stephen Trigg: No.
Neil Craig: Good. Matty, what about you – any ideas?
Matthew Clarke: I could pass on some tips to Ivan and Jonathan about improving their around the ground marking.
Neil Craig: (under breath) Oh, goodie.
Simon Goodwin: Yes?
Neil Craig: Nothing Simon. (to Stephen Trigg) Don’t write that down either. Good stuff Matty. Actually, Matty? Can I get you and Ben to go and set up the cones for training?
Ben Hart: Now?
Matthew Clarke: What about the crisis meeting?
Neil Craig: I think we’re just about done here. And it’s not a crisis meeting. I thought we made that clear?
<Matthew Clarke and Ben Hart exit>
Neil Craig: How long are those guys contracted for?
Stephen Trigg: Another year after this.
Neil Craig: F___. (Neil loosens his tie and undoes top button) Ok, let’s get started for real this time. People, what I want to hear are your ideas. Constructive stuff. No ideas are going to get shot down today. I want leftfield. Give me innovative, give me fun, give me radical… let’s cast off the shackles and come away with some really exciting ideas that will energise us and the playing group.
Todd Viney: Do you mean like, maybe bringing Walker in or something?
Neil Craig: Whoa, whoa, whoa… let’s not go crazy. I said radical. Not suicidal. We will never tank for draft picks under my watch.
Mark Bickley: (looking out window) Neil, it’s Ben and Matty. They’ve got the cones but they’re heading out to Max Basheer Reserve.
Neil Craig: (rolls eyes) Are they?
Mark Bickley: We’re on the main deck today aren’t we? Should someone tell them?
Neil Craig: Righto, moving on. Schwerdty, your thoughts?
Stephen Schwerdt: Well fitness-wise, we’ve still got our tapered training to come. We’ll start increasing our workload over the next few months before easing up just before finals.
<Short silence>
Phil Harper: Finals? Do we need to change that at all?
Neil Craig: We’re still a mathematical chance to make the finals. I don’t want to be known as a club that gives up on anything.
Phil Harper: I understand that-
Stephen Trigg: Sorry, Neil - are we still giving up on drafting Irishmen?
Neil Craig: Yeah, that’s the one exception.
Phil Harper: I’m not saying give up but we’re carrying a lot of injuries and I know a lot of the boys are pretty sore and jaded. Do we need to freshen them up and lighten the workload?
Neil Craig: Phil… we’re losing matches… and you’re suggesting that we do less work?! I’m sorry, but that’s not the foundation this club has been built on. When the going gets tough… In fact, during the bye weekend the players are going to compete in the Sydney-to-Melbourne road race. There’s also the World’s Strongest Man Competition and the Kelloggs Ironman Event up at Surfers. And we’re really going to up the ante on the bikes.
Phil Harper: Should they be practicing their goal kicking instead of all this other stuff?
Neil Craig: (incredulous) Goal kicking?! Have your read the latest AMA articles about the effects excessive kicking patterns at training have on elite level athletes? If we did goal kicking at training we’d end up with an injury list a mile long.
Todd Viney: Yeah, we wouldn’t want that...
Simon Goodwin: Neil, during the last leadership group meeting-
Neil Craig: Sorry Simon – who’s in the leadership group again?
Simon Goodwin: Me, Truck, Symesy, VB, Dogga…
Neil Craig: (closes eyes and opens imaginary envelope) What is… this weeks’ list of outs!
<every laughs except Simon Goodwin>
Mark Bickley: Youdaman, Neil!
Neil Craig: Sorry Simon, only joking. You guys are going great. Not your fault. Go on.
Simon Goodwin: Well, the leadership group was wondering if we could maybe take a few more risks. You know, kick to a contest sometimes or kick the ball long.
Neil Craig: Really?
Simon Goodwin: Yeah, we’re worried that the handball-possession game isn’t really working and we’re just putting ourselves under pressure.
Neil Craig: Look… I’m just really loathe to change anything now. We’ve been working on this ball movement since November. And the leadership group was part of the steering committee that came up with the game plan! We all had input. Now you want to back away from it?
Simon Goodwin: Yeah… nah. I mean… yeah… nah.
Neil Craig: (massaging temples) I knew this player empowerment thing would come back to bite us. “Leading Teams” my arse... leading teams up the shitter.
Alan Stewart: Neil, Jonah and I have been talking with some of the younger players, and there’s a bit of a feeling around the group that you don’t really trust them.
Peter Jonas: Yeah, some of them feel that you are just waiting for the older players to come back from injury so that you can drop them.
Neil Craig: Well, that’s ridiculous. I don’t have any problem giving young players a game. Except Walker. Never trust a bloke with two last names, that’s my policy. Two first names is ok. But I’ve always been a big believer in promoting youth.
Alan Stewart: Neil, you did cry in front of everyone when Stevo said that he’d need an extra couple of weeks for his concussion.
Neil Craig: Well, who wouldn’t be upset for the lad?
Peter Jonas: Yeah but did you have to drop to your knees and scream “that means Young’s in god dammit!” and pound your fists on the ground?
Neil Craig: (angry) Look, we’ve debuted 6 kids in 6 weeks. What more do you want?!
Stephen Trigg: Neil, settle-
Neil Craig: No! I’ve had a gutful of this Neil-Craig-hates-young-players crap. Cook, Davis, Petrenko, Doughty… these kids are all getting games and have been all season.
Peter Jonas: Doughty’s not a young player.
Neil Craig: What do you mean? How old’s Dogga?
Peter Jonas: 31.
Neil Craig: Bullshit.
Phil Harper: Yeah, he is.
Neil Craig: (turns to Stephen Trigg) What happened to our no B Graders over 30 policy?
Stephen Trigg: (shrugs shoulders) Forgot I guess.
Neil Craig: All you can do is shrug your shoulders? That policy cost us Ben Hudson!
<long awkward silence>
Neil Craig: What have we come up with so far?
Stephen Trigg: Let’s see… (reading) Less handballs. More young players…
Neil Craig: That’s it?
Stephen Trigg: That’s it.
Neil Craig: Oh well, it’s a start I guess. Well done people, one of our better efforts. We’ll give it a whirl this week. And if it doesn’t work, I’ve always got my standup comedy career to branch into. Actually Triggy, I’ve been working on some new material. I’ve got a knock-knock joke for you, it’s really funny. You have to start off though.
Stephen Trigg: Knock-knock.
Neil Craig: Who’s there?
Stephen Trigg: … (confused silence)
<Neil Craig and Mark Bickley wet themselves laughing>
Mark Bickley: Zing! Got him a beauty!
Neil Craig: I’ve got a few more. Why’s it called a Press Conference? There’s no iron there.
Mark Bickley: Heeheehee!
<everyone files out except Mark Bickley and Neil Craig>
Neil Craig: Why’s it called a Coaches Box? No one’s throwing punches.
Mark Bickley: Haha-… actually I don’t get that one.
Neil Craig: Ok, how about this one. Why’s it called a White Board? Is it because the players get bored reading it?
Mark Bickley: Bwahahahahah!!
Neil Craig: I’ve got a million of these. If it’s good to finish HIGH, why is it called the BrownLOW?
Mark Bickley: (clutching sides) Stop it!!! Please!!!
