Bender_
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Hey there, my name’s Kane and I’m your host for this week’s preview.
You may remember me from sheep dogging my way to 300 AFL games purely on the back of my surname, but these days I provide the AFL media with a balanced and impartial view of the landscape as I see it. After deciding that a career as a firefighter was no where near a brave enough choice, I decided that real courage was to provide my views to the footballing public – and they’re totally not clickbait hyperbole hot takes [it’s too late you already clicked on it and I got paid SUCKER!].
Enough about me, let’s get to the preview:
Who: The REAL Pride of South Australia Port Adelaide vs (where exactly is the) West Coast Eagles
Where: The greatest sporting city in the history of the universe – Adelaide Ovary [pictured]
When: Saturday April 23rd, 14:35 AWST
Why: Coz what the * else you got to do, be a valued member of society you degenerate campaigner?!
A Tale of 2 Captains: Tom “the 4th brother” Jonas vs Luke "Adolf" Shuey
The first, probably the greatest leader since Winston Churchill. The other with legs so brittle they may have as well have been made of stale musk sticks. This truly is the polar opposites of footballing royalty. Jonas so valiant he knocked Andrew Gaff out whilst he wasn’t looking as a pre-emptive strike knowing what he’d do to teenagers in the future, he now leads world’s greatest sporting club towards interplanetary domination. A hybrid of Han Solo (the cool one, not the Disney origin turd) and James Bond, he comes up against the AFL equivalent of Jimmy Savile – such a vile, duplicitous cheat that he really should be expelled from the game altogether. My money is on Tommy boy to come out on top.
Chad vs Virgin: Hinkley the Great vs Softy Simmo
[Kenny showing the Magpies’ current win/loss ratio]
Let’s be honest, the day that Kochie gave Kenny a 7 year extension has probably been the most astute business decision ever made - I'd definitely trust him with my super! Hinks with his personable and totally relatable demeanor are something to be revered, whereas as Adam Simpson and his blatant poultry copulation should have had him fired from a cannon into the sun well before he could Bradbury his way to a flag. Kenny is a mastermind tactician, Simmo is a hack and I bet he puts honey on his pancakes instead of maple syrup – just the thought of breakfast time in his household makes me want to vomit all over my home solarium. Hinks FTW, obviously.
Old Money & The Pan Handler: David Koch (not utensil) vs Trevor Nesbitt
You know me, I shoot straight. David Koch is an Australian hero akin to the ANZACs. Trevor Nisbett eats the souls of puppies to keep his youthful appearance whilst posing for photos to attach to his weekly apology emails to West Coast members. Why are we even talking about it? Coz this is how I make my money, besides making donations to the local sperm bank. And by money I mean for fun and by bank I mean on stranger’s car windows at the local park. Kochie by the length of Rundle Mall.
The Future and The Never Was: Robbie Gray vs Liam Ryan
Robbie Gray - the young lion - is the greatest operator in his field of choice since Donald Trump – single handedly Making Adelaide Great Again. He’s basically a single testicled god amongst men. Liam Ryan is a hack who’s has a free ride since birth. I know who I’m backing, which isn’t really a surprise as one should really know that, and this is becoming far to close to a journey of introspection and all this thinking is making my head hurt.
Port Adelaide’s Second Round Pick:
sticks fingers in ears lalalalalalala I CAN’T HEAR YOU
My prediction:
Port Adelaide Magpies by a million points. Simmo to get sacked. Dark Sharks to have an aneurism. Me to make a stupidly outlandish statement the Monday morning after the game.
You may remember me from sheep dogging my way to 300 AFL games purely on the back of my surname, but these days I provide the AFL media with a balanced and impartial view of the landscape as I see it. After deciding that a career as a firefighter was no where near a brave enough choice, I decided that real courage was to provide my views to the footballing public – and they’re totally not clickbait hyperbole hot takes [it’s too late you already clicked on it and I got paid SUCKER!].
Enough about me, let’s get to the preview:
Who: The REAL Pride of South Australia Port Adelaide vs (where exactly is the) West Coast Eagles
Where: The greatest sporting city in the history of the universe – Adelaide Ovary [pictured]
When: Saturday April 23rd, 14:35 AWST
Why: Coz what the * else you got to do, be a valued member of society you degenerate campaigner?!
A Tale of 2 Captains: Tom “the 4th brother” Jonas vs Luke "Adolf" Shuey
The first, probably the greatest leader since Winston Churchill. The other with legs so brittle they may have as well have been made of stale musk sticks. This truly is the polar opposites of footballing royalty. Jonas so valiant he knocked Andrew Gaff out whilst he wasn’t looking as a pre-emptive strike knowing what he’d do to teenagers in the future, he now leads world’s greatest sporting club towards interplanetary domination. A hybrid of Han Solo (the cool one, not the Disney origin turd) and James Bond, he comes up against the AFL equivalent of Jimmy Savile – such a vile, duplicitous cheat that he really should be expelled from the game altogether. My money is on Tommy boy to come out on top.
Chad vs Virgin: Hinkley the Great vs Softy Simmo
[Kenny showing the Magpies’ current win/loss ratio]
Let’s be honest, the day that Kochie gave Kenny a 7 year extension has probably been the most astute business decision ever made - I'd definitely trust him with my super! Hinks with his personable and totally relatable demeanor are something to be revered, whereas as Adam Simpson and his blatant poultry copulation should have had him fired from a cannon into the sun well before he could Bradbury his way to a flag. Kenny is a mastermind tactician, Simmo is a hack and I bet he puts honey on his pancakes instead of maple syrup – just the thought of breakfast time in his household makes me want to vomit all over my home solarium. Hinks FTW, obviously.
Old Money & The Pan Handler: David Koch (not utensil) vs Trevor Nesbitt
You know me, I shoot straight. David Koch is an Australian hero akin to the ANZACs. Trevor Nisbett eats the souls of puppies to keep his youthful appearance whilst posing for photos to attach to his weekly apology emails to West Coast members. Why are we even talking about it? Coz this is how I make my money, besides making donations to the local sperm bank. And by money I mean for fun and by bank I mean on stranger’s car windows at the local park. Kochie by the length of Rundle Mall.
The Future and The Never Was: Robbie Gray vs Liam Ryan
Robbie Gray - the young lion - is the greatest operator in his field of choice since Donald Trump – single handedly Making Adelaide Great Again. He’s basically a single testicled god amongst men. Liam Ryan is a hack who’s has a free ride since birth. I know who I’m backing, which isn’t really a surprise as one should really know that, and this is becoming far to close to a journey of introspection and all this thinking is making my head hurt.
Port Adelaide’s Second Round Pick:
sticks fingers in ears lalalalalalala I CAN’T HEAR YOU
My prediction:
Port Adelaide Magpies by a million points. Simmo to get sacked. Dark Sharks to have an aneurism. Me to make a stupidly outlandish statement the Monday morning after the game.
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