Bar Jokes...

[raskolnikov]

A man walks into a bar and sees a blonde gulping down a martini. She then does it again and a third and a fourth time. The man walks over to the blonde and says, "Would a fifth make you dizzy?" "Yes it would" she replies,"but the name's Daisy not Dizzy".

 

[sp-mac]

An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a bar, take a stool, and each order a beer. At about the same time they each notice that the big burley guy at the end of the bar sitting all on his own doesn't have any ears.

"You guy's be careful" the bartender said noticing they were all staring in the earless man's direction. "That guy's been coming here for twenty years, and is extremely sensitive about the fact he hasn't got any ears. If he catches you looking at him, he'll tear you a new arse hole."

The three men take the barman's advice on board and make a concious effort not to look.

Sooner or later, the Englishman's curiosity gets the better of him and he can't help but take a peek at the enourmous man without any ears. The man notices immedietly, leaps off his stool, and charges straight toward the petrified Englishman.

"What do you think you're staring at!?!?!?" he screams in his face.

"I was just admiring your beautiful teeth," says the Englishman, thinking quickly. "You best be looking after those teeth or you'll end up with false ones like me...."

"Sorry", says the earless thug, "I thought you was making fun of the fact that I don't got no ears!"

"Of course not" he said nervously, as the burley man retook his seat.

Not much longer, the American finds himself making eye contact with the earless man as well.

"And what's your problem chum!?!?!" he screams into the yanks face.

"Ummm errr, I was just admiring your beautiful hair" he came up with. "I'd wash and condition that hair everyday otherwise you'll end up with a toupee just like me."

"Terribly sorry" The earless man said. "I'm rather sensitive about having no ears you see."

"Don't mention it" the American said, his heart still going a million beats a minute.

Of course, not much later on, the Irishman gives a long and hardly subtle stare in the 300lb earless man's direction.

"Are looking at what I think you're looking at!?!?!?!" the thug yelled to the Irishman, while grabbing him by the collar and lifting him a foot off the ground.

"I was just admiring your beautiful eyes!!!" he said trying to avoid the earless man's fury. "Look after those eyes as best you can or you'll end up with spectacles just like mine!!!...................



................................And that would be no good cause you've got no ears to hang em on!!!"

 

[lamby29]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

[D-F-W-F]

A bloke with a small head walks in a bar and orders a drink..The bartender cant help but notice that this bloke has a really small head and asks "Look mate ,its none of my business, but do you mind if ask, Why is your head so small?" The bloke with the small head says no worries ,i`ll tell u the story....
"One day I was walking alone on the beach and I come across this funny looking bottle.I rubbed it a couple of times and out comes this beautiful looking genie..The genie says to me I grant you one wish ,what ever you want ,so I said to her I want to **** you.She freaked out a bit and said I can grant you any wish u want except for that one,so I said ,"How about a little heady"

 

[scout]

A man carrying jumper-leads walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "hope you're not gonna start anything".

 

[Damp Squarie]

A Grass hopper walks into a bar.

The Bartend says " Hey, theres a drink named after you!"

"Yeah?" says the Grasshopper " Well, you'd better pour me a Russell"

 

[scmods]

A man walks into a bar with a small monkey sitting on his shoulder. He orders a beer and sits there drinking it. The monkey spots a man eating some nuts further up the bar, jumps off the man's shoulder, goes and grabs a handful of nuts and eats them. The owner of the nuts isn't real impressed, and the barman goes up to the monkey's owner and says "you know your monkey just ate that man's nuts".

The man says "Oh sorry, he's always pinching stuff and eating it. I'll pay for the nuts". So he does, and everbody's happy.

A couple of weeks later, the man and the monkey come back in and the man has a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey jumps off his shoulder, goes over to the pool table, grabs the 8 ball and swallows it.

The barman goes up to the man and say "Hey, your monkey just ate one of my pool balls!"

The man says "Sorry, like I told you he's always pinching stuff and eating it. I'll pay for a new set of balls for your pool table." So he does, and everyone's happy.

A few weeks later the man and the monkey come back again. While the man is having his drink, the monkey jumps over the bar, takes one of the grapes the barman is eating, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The barman is grossed out, goes up to the man and says "Did you see what your monkey just did?? He pinched one of my grapes, stuck it up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!!"

The man says, "Yeah, he still eats everything in sight, but since the incident with the pool ball he always checks the size first."

 

[evade28]

a homeless derelict walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick. the barman goes 'ok' and gives im one.

then another homeless derelict comes in and also asks for a toothpick. the barmans like 'yerrr ok'. getting a bit suspicious.

then another homeless derelict comes in and asks for a straw.
the barman is too curious. he asks the homeless derelict 'why do you want a straw?, and why did your friends want toothpicks?' the derelict replies 'someone threw up out the front, but i was too late, all the good bits are gone now'.

 

[evade28]

a man walks into a bar with an octopus sitting on his shoulder. he says to the people in the bar 'i bet anyone $50 that my octopus can play any instrument'.
so a man gets a guitar out, the octopus plays it perfectly. everyone is amazed and the man hands over $50.
another man says 'i bet he cant play my piano' (which was conveniently there). so they put the octopus at the piano and it plays that perfectly too! the man hands over the 50 bucks.
then the barman gets some bagpipes out from beind the bar. the octopus pauses and looks at them for a second. 'ha, we've got him now' says the barman.
the octopus suddenly goes wild and starts attacking the bagpipes, someone says to it 'aren't you gonna play them' and octopus replies 'PLAY THEM????, once i get these pyjamas off it im gonna ROOT THEM!!!'

 

[The Chemist]

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar and sit infront of the bartender and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[Mobbs]

A man sits down in a bar and orders a beer. While drinking, he avails himself of the bowl of peanuts on the counter. He picks up a nut, and is about to pop it into his mouth, when it suddenly says to him : “That’s a nice suit you’re wearing.”

The man looks around, wonders whether any one else heard the nut speak. Then he decides it is his imagination. He picks up a second nut and starts to eat it. This one says : “That’s a very nice tie.”

Once more the stunned man looks about him, shrugs his shoulders, eats the peanut.

The third peanut also speaks : “You’re looking well today, Sir.”

The man calls over the barman, and says “Maybe I’m crazy, or the booze is going to my head, but I’m sure these peanuts are talking to me, praising my suit and tie.”

The barman shakes his head : “No sir, you’re not crazy. These are complimentary nuts.”

 

[Mooster7]

A penguin waddles into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What's he look like?"

 

[scmods]

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man says "Line up ten shots of vodka for each of us."

The barman lines up the vodka, and the man and the giraffe start slamming them down as fast as they can. The giraffe has downed six while the man is still on his third, but then the giraffe starts to slow down, and the man is catching up.

Halfway through the tenth shot the giraffe chokes and drops dead. The man finishes his last shot, gets up and heads for the door leaving the dead giraffe slumped across the bar.

"Hey!" calls out the barman. "You can't leave that lyin' there!"

"It's not a lion," says the man. "It's a giraffe!"

 

[Rod Stroker]

A penguin waddles into a cafe to kill time while his broken down Volvo is being repaired at the mechanic in the local country town where his car had just seized.

"What can I get you ?" enquired the waitress. "A bowl of ice cream thanks" the pengiun replied rather rhetorically.
Now, being a pengiun with no hands, he does his usual trick of using his flippers to shovel the ice cream down his throat. Obviously this is not the cleanest of eating methods and consequently he returns to the mechanic with ice cream all over his face.

"All fixed" proclaims the mechanic, looking at the pengiun rather curiously.
"Great, what was wrong ?" asked the pengiun.
The mechanic replied, staring rather perplexed at the pengiun : "looks like you blew a seal".
To which the pengiun replied after gathering his thoughts and wiping his mouth :
"No.........it's just ice cream !"

 

[TheFoxhat]

3 blokes stuck on 1 side of the river,A Essendon supporter ,A carlton supporter& a Collingwood supporter,the river is full of crocs ,the bridge is 200 miles away ,& they have to get across, the first bloke go's in ,the essendon supporter ,gets half way & the croc eats him ,the next bloke go's,the carlton supporter, thinking the croc is full,& he gets 2thirds of the way & gets eaten
, the last bloke thinks,the collingwood supporter, well the croc must be full now so he thinks he'll have a go, so he puts on his collingwood jumper & go's in the river, & swims across& gets to the other side.. & the croc sticks his head up & says to him ...
"THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO STOMACH THAT"......

 

[mellowyellow]

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says where did you get that pig? The lady barks back at the drunk saying that's not a pig that's a duck!!". The drunk says I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the duck.

 

[TheFoxhat]

I like girl's with small hands.....



























Coz it make my KNOB look bigger.....

 

[scmods]

Originally posted by TheFoxhat
I like girl's with small hands.....
Coz it make my KNOB look bigger

From where I'm sitting you couldn't look a much bigger knob.

 

[X_box_X]

An Aussie, Yank and Scottish walk into a bar.

The Aussie rocks up with crutches and bandages covered over most of his body.

The American rocks up in a wheel chair.

The Scottish man rocks up in a neck brace.

Whilst chatting and drinking amoungst themselves, the Australian notices a familiar man at the opposite end of the bar. Thinking to himself for a minute, the Australian realises who this man is and, to make sure, he asks the barman, “Is that Jesus over there?”, pointing to the man at the opposite end of the bar. The barman replies, “Yes, it is.”

The three men are stunned.

The Australian asks the barman, “Can you please give Jesus a VB for me?” The barman pours a glass of VB and walks over to Jesus. “This is from the bloke over there sitting on the right”, the barman tells Jesus, pointing at the Australian.

The American asks the barman, “Can you please give Jesus a duff for me?” The barman pours a glass of duff and walks over to Jesus. “This is from the bloke over there sitting on the left”, the barman tells Jesus, pointing at the American.

The Scottish man asks the barman, “Can you please give Jesus a Guinness for me?” The barman pours a glass of Guinness and walks over to Jesus. “This is from the bloke over there sitting in the middle”, the barman tells Jesus, pointing at the Scottish.

Once Jesus had finished his three beers, he walks over to the three men and thanks them kindly for their generosity. Jesus, being the good man he is, then wanted to return the favour and perform a miracle on the three men, to return them into their normal state.

Going to the American guy first, Jesus rests his hands over him, says a little prayer and “BOOM”! The American jumps out of the wheelchair, shakes Jesus’ hand and bolts out of the bar at a million miles an hour.

Jesus then goes across to the Scottish man, rests his hands over him, says a little prayer and “BOOM”! The Scottish man rips off his neck brace, shakes Jesus’ hand and begins to do summersaults out of the bar.

Jesus then approaches the Australia guy, rests his hands over him, says a little prayer, but is stopped by the Aussie. “Jesus, no, no, no! I’m on work cover.”