- Joined
- Sep 7, 2005
- Posts
- 22,563
- Reaction score
- 19,697
- Location
- SA
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
- Other Teams
- LA Rams, UCLA Bruins
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don't ******** with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
11. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living ******** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
15. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
16. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
17. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
18 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
19. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don't ******** with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
11. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living ******** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
15. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
16. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
17. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
18 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
19. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
