Curly5
Premiership Player
Keep reading, they get better...
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the French asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Jews asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." So the Jews said, "How much are they?" "They're free," the Lord replied.
"We'll take 10."
"There is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of these. It's called a window!" --Jay Leno
Q, What are you if you have a sore throat and fleas?
A. Hoarse and buggy.
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a pros.titute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a pros.titute."
"A prost.itute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise the Lord! I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
"Talk is cheap - supply exceeds demand."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." --Mark Twain
"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." --Barnett *****
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness, ey".
"What's the cure thin doc, ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
"Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the French asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Jews asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." So the Jews said, "How much are they?" "They're free," the Lord replied.
"We'll take 10."
"There is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of these. It's called a window!" --Jay Leno
Q, What are you if you have a sore throat and fleas?
A. Hoarse and buggy.
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a pros.titute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a pros.titute."
"A prost.itute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise the Lord! I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
"Talk is cheap - supply exceeds demand."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." --Mark Twain
"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." --Barnett *****
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness, ey".
"What's the cure thin doc, ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
"Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"